Sign in to follow this  
slars04

Compliments: UGH!

Recommended Posts

I feel like a jerk. I really do want to be right-sized, but I do not want anyone to comment on it. I know I cannot control other people and that I should be flattered or whatever, but all I feel is slightly embarrassed and a little pissed off. I just mumble something and walk away. I feel the same way I did when I was pregnant and some jacka$$ felt the need to touch my belly. It took a while because I was so big to start, but now people are starting to notice. Has anyone else had trouble with the attention? I have lost a significant amount of weight several times before (hence the surgery) and each time I have gone through this. I don't want to wear clothes that fit (even when I get cool ones for free from my girlfriends as I'm dropping weight). I'm excited about being more myself in what I wear, but at the same time it's like I lost my armor. Thoughts? 

P.S. Yes, I have issues. Yes, I really want this. Yes, I see a therapist regularly.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Initially, the compliments really bugged me. I thought - did I look so bad before?! And compliments were a reminder that yes, I have the kind of problem everyone can see. If my issue weren't food and it was gambling or drinking or shopping, people wouldn't know what my issue was the moment they looked at me.

Then, I went through a stage where I really liked compliments. At this point I had trouble seeing what I really looked like so when people would comment on how much weight I'd lost or how much better I looked, I liked it - A LOT!

 

To get comfortable with the compliments I had to get comfortable in my new skin and find empathy for my former fat self. I spent decades gaining and losing weight. I was angry with myself and disappointed that I was not able to control my food intake. Once I made peace with all of that, I learned to take compliments in stride. I appreciate them but it is fine if don't get them. I am comfortable in my body now regardless of what anyone else says about it.

Have patience with yourself and the process. It takes a while for our head's to catch up to our new bodies. 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm with you, I don't like compliments.  I don't like drawing attention to myself.  I also feel I was a failure before.  I just want to be normal.  I usually steer the compliment away.  A friend of my hubby's told me I look good.  Then said I looked really different, wasn't going there-i said thank you; I've started wearing my hair long.  End of it.  I nipped it in the butt. I try to come up with something to change the subject.  I'll ask about their family or kids...4 years later and I still don't like it. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for the feedback. It's good to know I'm not alone and that it will get better the longer I stay on this journey. I hope to forgive myself sooner rather than later for treating my body so badly all these years, and being so self-absorbed in the process. I weigh less than I have in 3 years and that is a good thing. I think it's time to figure out a way to enjoy my progress and stop overthinking it. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

People compliment people for two reasons, it makes you feel good, and it makes them feel good.  People like to be positive to other people, usually.  By giving a compliment, they are really saying that they want you to know that they care about you, and that they notice changes going on in your life.

Try not to overthink compliments.  It's weird at first because, you have all these internal things going on in your head, but you should take these comments as a positive.  All you have to say is "Thank you," you don't have to go into details about how/why you are losing weight.  Just thank them and move on.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎3‎/‎20‎/‎2017 at 4:35 PM, liz4tin said:

People compliment people for two reasons, it makes you feel good, and it makes them feel good.  People like to be positive to other people, usually.  By giving a compliment, they are really saying that they want you to know that they care about you, and that they notice changes going on in your life.

Try not to overthink compliments.  It's weird at first because, you have all these internal things going on in your head, but you should take these comments as a positive.  All you have to say is "Thank you," you don't have to go into details about how/why you are losing weight.  Just thank them and move on.

I TOTALLY agree about not overthinking it, and I thank you for that. My experience has been that people compliment for other reasons as well, and that not everyone's motives are pure. I'm a little paranoid. I don't have to react. I can also trust my gut, say thank you, and keep going.

I went for my 6 week follow up with my surgeon and nutritionist yesterday and they said I was right on track weight-wise, but needed more water and exercise. My friend, Jane, keeps telling me to play the triangle. That is, I'm in the band known as Gastric Bypass and I'm not the lead singer, lead guitarist, bassist or drummer. I need to listen to my team and you guys who have gone before me, following directions and not making up my own rules. I need to remember my best thinking got me to 315 pounds at one point. It's really hard when you think you know everything. I hate the damn triangle! Lol.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

other replies have said a lot of what I would, but i have to say that now i truly love the compliments. i will even say, "thanks, I FEEL great!".  you will get there. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A bit of an update on my dealings with the public about my weight... This feels just like when I stopped drinking, only now everyone seems to want to check in with me about their eating and their alcohol consumption. Don't give a f@&%. Or better yet, they goad me to eat something I know I cannot tolerate. "C'mon! It won't hurt you. It's just one bite." "Can't you eat anything?" "I'm not stopping what I eat for you." "Just try it." OMG! This is my family. Devil spawn, to be sure. They do not understand that the word "NO!" is a full sentence.

Could they be feeling threatened because I'm smaller than them now, and it's been pretty quick? It's so much easier to point out the heaviest person in the room and focus on them than deal with my own feelings about myself. I know I did it if ever it wasn't me. What they don't know and I can't explain is that this dance with food is lifelong. This is simple, but not easy. The surgery did not fix my head; just my gut. I hate being so damn sensitive / defensive.

Or maybe they're just a$$hats.

The other end of the spectrum is my food Nazi husband. In his defense, he saw me sick (not from WLS) and in a lot of pain shortly after surgery and confided in me how scared he was. It's just the church lady eyeballs-over-the-glasses look and tone of voice I can do without: "Are you ok?" "Why aren't you eating?" "I thought you should have been eating more." "I was thinking you were starving yourself." I have to sit down with him and tell him it's okay to share these things with me as they're happening, and that he doesn't have to hold on to all of that.

There is also the possibility, however remote, that I may or may not be a bit on edge, i.e. prickly, and he did not want to poke the bear, so to speak. I probably was rocking myself in a corner at some point, crying about not having any pants to wear, or about missing coffee, or he witnessed some other brand of crazy that's made it difficult to approach me without Kevlar, a helmet, and shield.

Fortunately, I have changed my playground and found a couple of locals who don't feel the need to control my WLS recovery or try to sabotage my health so they aren't the most dysfunctional person in the room. I am realizing that I can change the subject, walk away, or not engage to begin with. Freedom.

Not yet at detaching with love, but it'll come. lol

Still not a huge fan of people telling me how much better I look, but they aren't wrong. It just seems weird that some of the people saying stuff wouldn't give me the time of day before.

Edited by slars04

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's definitely a wild ride. It doesn't help that, while you're losing, your mood might be especially volatile. I didn't even out until I hit goal and even after that I don't feel like I'm as "nice" as a was pre-surgery.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎5‎/‎4‎/‎2017 at 6:12 PM, MarktheNerd said:

It's definitely a wild ride. It doesn't help that, while you're losing, your mood might be especially volatile. I didn't even out until I hit goal and even after that I don't feel like I'm as "nice" as a was pre-surgery.

Oh, boy! I had a minimally functioning filter going in. This oughta be good...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

dear slars04,

So many comments just reveal things about the person offering them. I'm trying to just remain passive when people offer a complement that seems slanted.

I'm ashamed to admit that I got prickly (e.g. inappropriately yelled) at my wife recently when she made a comment I misinterpreted. I'll ask her if she would like some Kevlar protection too, great line. 

The data on needing to avoid caffeine is really really weak. A small number of people have gotten into trouble early after surgery by drinking 10 cups a day and getting dehydrated. No Nutritionist I have spoken to will defend a prohibition of coffee. If a cup of coffee makes you mellow with a placid mood I would go for it. I'm about 7 weeks out and couldn't start my day without several cups of strong coffee. It helps me focus, helps me move my bowels, and I'm sure makes me easier to tolerate. 

Grrrrrrr. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@slars04 Have you thought about writing as a profession? :D

@BurgundyBoy I never did understand the big deal about not drinking coffee after WLS. (Assuming it doesn't irritate one's stomach, that is.) I notice some people I know are really hyper about it. I just drink it, as it doesn't bother my stomach. I do notice that I prefer a milder-tasting blend now, though.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was told to limit my caffeine intake until I had my liquids down, around 3 months. I drink several cups of coffee a day, but coffee is a diuretic, so I understand why some programs limit it. (Meaning it makes you pee, so if you take it that way, it's understandable that some programs want to make sure you are getting enough liquids in before giving you something that makes you pee). 

 

In regards to compliments, I have little to say about that. I like compliments, and I don't take them wrong, so I don't have your experience with them. Backhanded compliments on the other hand, are always painful. But those are not for people that are trying to be nice, those are for catty people who cannot celebrate in your success, and thus are not worth it. I try to only surround myself with people that give me warmth, love, or knowledge, no one else matters to me. No one elses opinion is worth it to me. 

 

However, the one thing that does kind of get to me, is people telling me "Don't lose any more, you're perfect" well, I had surgery, it's not like I can tell my body, Hey.. You've lost weight, time to stop. Oh well!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So about the rocking in the corner... In my case, I had to get off caffeine per my surgeon or he would not do the procedure. He said I had to stay off it for a year afterward in order to fully adjust to my new plumbing. I was told to be careful with caffeine because it interferes with calcium absorption and creates an acid environment in the stomach. My doc said I might not notice symptoms of marginal ulcers until I was in a pretty precarious situation, so I thought I would go with decaf (the good stuff, not the stuff that tastes like someone washed their underwear out it in) if I want coffee now. I don't think a cup a day would hurt me later on; I just don't know if I would stay at a cup.

 My dietician was all about it because I was guzzling espresso by the tankard.  It was not hard to get off caffeine this time, which shocked me because it has been awful in the past. Other body systems were rebelling at that point, and I had really bad GERD as well. Maybe I felt so $hi++y prior to surgery that the sweats and a measly caffeine headache were nothing. In any event, I do not want any more stomach issues, unnecessary mineral deficiencies, osteoporosis, ulcers, or withdrawal symptoms, so I am on the "oops" plan. The "oops" plan is having a sip, then remembering to ask for decaf, or drinking water so I don't have to worry about it.

I thought about a cup of regular in the morning but I've never been one for moderation, so why I would I think I would be now? My cup would start out at 8 oz, then 12, then I'd be back at two 20's before I knew it. I also started thinking about how important I've made different foods in my life. My best friends: Johnny Walker, Ronald McDonald, Colonel Sanders, Otis Spunkmeyer, Orville Redenbacher, et al. Geez! I wouldn't even consider surgery for years because I didn't want to live without diet Coke. That kind of thinking scares the crap out of me now, so I didn't want to start mulling over the caffeine thing. I can rationalize the health benefits of a deep-fried Twinkie if given enough time.

The truth is, I can eat whatever I want. No one is putting a gun to my head telling me to follow the guidelines or else. I really want to be thin, but (and this is NEW) I also want to feel as good as I can in the process. Whatever works, right? B)

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

Sign in to follow this