debbio

Are you afraid to get to your goal weight?

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On 1/16/2017 at 4:27 PM, LadyFl said:

Thank you for sharing your journey.  It is often when I think of you and my husband I am inspired.  The last 18 months of my life have been well hll.  I have not used this time effectively.  When I was at my lowest weight I got so much attention. I always get attention but it was ridicules.  I professionally do presentations. So you would think, it would not have bothered me. It did.  

I did not like feeling vulnerable.  Also, I do not like thinking,  was I not just as desirable before? 

I am learning that it is okay for me to be a small person.  I am working forward too towards lossing the rest of this weight. I love me no matter what the scale reads.  I love me no matter what anyone else thinks.    I want to be healthy.  

(I am cutting & pasting this from another topic, because I inadvertently high-jacked it.)

LadyFI, 

I am so glad you posted this. Especially your not liking feeling vulnerable when you're at a smaller size. My stats are similar to yours, albeit I'm only 5 months out from surgery. I have been treading water at 185-190 for several weeks now... making poor food choices (sometimes even when it hurts my stomach)... sort of afraid to get into the 170's. That is the weight at which I start attracting attention. Keep in mind I have no fashion model face, but my family and friends will start making comments as I go down through the 170's into a normal BMI... some positive, some negative. When I have been at a lower weight I have not only wondered if I had not been just as desirable at a higher weight, but it's made me very angry because I KNOW I have not been as desirable!

The conundrum is this: I physically FEEL better when my weight is near my normal BMI; however, the increased looks from men, the catty/snide comments and looks from women, even the kind comments don't feel SAFE to me. My knee-jerk reaction to these is NOT a good one. My mind and body don't know how to accurately interpret them; therefore, they are often incorrectly internalized. I feel much more vulnerable. It's as if the extra weight is a fence ensuring my safety. When I'm heavy no one notices me... giving me the comforting feeling of being invisible. Others, on the whole, seem to be nicer to me when I'm heavier. When I'm at a healthier weight I feel as though I'm parading around naked. 

I have tried repeating to myself your words, <<<"I am learning that it is okay for me to be a small person. I am working forward too towards lossing the rest of this weight. I love me no matter what the scale reads. I love me no matter what anyone else thinks. I want to be healthy.">>>  but to no avail.

Any insight is welcome.

Thanks, again, Lady Fi. You may have opened a can of worms for me, but I needed to open it so I can keep moving forward.

Debbi 

Edited by debbio

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14 minutes ago, debbio said:

(I am cutting & pasting this from another topic, because I inadvertently high-jacked it.)

LadyFI, 

I am so glad you posted this. Especially your not liking feeling vulnerable when you're at a smaller size. My stats are similar to yours, albeit I'm only 5 months out from surgery. I have been treading water at 185-190 for several weeks now... making poor food choices (sometimes even when it hurts my stomach)... sort of afraid to get into the 170's. That is the weight at which I start attracting attention. Keep in mind I have no fashion model face, but my family and friends will start making comments as I go down through the 170's into a normal BMI... some positive, some negative. When I have been at a lower weight I have not only wondered if I had not been just as desirable at a higher weight, but it's made me very angry because I KNOW I have not been as desirable!

The conundrum is this: I physically FEEL better when my weight is near my normal BMI; however, the increased looks from men, the catty/snide comments from women, even the kind comments don't feel SAFE to me. My knee-jerk reaction to these is NOT a good one. I don't know how to internalize them. I feel much more vulverable. It's as if the extra weight is a fence ensuring my safety. When I'm heavy no one notices me... giving me the comforting feeling of being invisible. Others, on the whole, seem to be nicer to me when I'm heavier. When I'm at a healthier weight I feel as though I'm parading around naked. 

I have tried repeating to myself your words, <<<"I am learning that it is okay for me to be a small person.  I am working forward too towards lossing the rest of this weight. I love me no matter what the scale reads.  I love me no matter what anyone else thinks.    I want to be healthy.">>> to no avail.

Any insight is welcome.

Thanks, again, Lady Fi. You may have opened a can of worms for me, but I needed to open it so I can keep moving forward.

Debbi 

I re-trained myself to think I am faster and stronger in this smaller body. I can better protect myself now at 170 than I could at 310. You will learn coping skills to deal with the attention from men. When men flirt with me or ask me out I say, "no thank you, I am happily married". Or, if I am feeling a little sassy I say, "I would love to as long as you can get permission from my husband." And, whatever anyone says to you - male or female is more about them than about you. I have told a couple of friends (and my MOTHER!) my weight, size and food choices are not up for discussion. 

I also think I am less conspicuous now because I'm not the fat kid in the crowd. Most places I went and in nearly everything I did, I was always the fat one. I would catch people looking at me and then they would avert their eyes once they saw me looking at them.

It takes a while for our heads to catch up to with the changes to our bodies. Be patient with yourself. 

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Working out is helping me feel less vulnerable.  Debbi this is a journey.  You will get through this just keep pushing forward.  This gift "our tool" is for a lifetime.  We get to use it or abuse it.  Like you, I am using this tool to improve my health.  We can do this! 

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I don't think of myself as a small person but as a normal person.  Height/weight proportionate.  I feel so much better at my 24-25 BMI that I don't care about the comments or the looks. I did this for my health and I have my health back and I'm loving it.  I didn't focus on what I weighed other than using it to compute my BMI.  I've been getting the "you're to skinny" comments lately and the "oh, you've lost half yourself".  My response - I have a normal BMI and I'm healthy and I'm very happy.  You did this surgery to get healthy - keep heading that way.  Over time they either shut up or you get good at ignoring them.

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I'm only anxious about getting to goal weight because it means having to deal with plastics and all the hassles that comes with it (may I say "insurance"?).

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this was a fear of mine- afraid to fail and afraid to succeed.  my therapist chuckled and said, ah, anxiety.  isn't it grand?.   now i'm terrified of regain. it's a struggle. 

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Thanks for your suggestions and words of encouragement and empathy. I will return to them when I am feeling unsure during my journey toward strong and healthy living. Debbi

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17 hours ago, bellamoma said:

this was a fear of mine- afraid to fail and afraid to succeed.  my therapist chuckled and said, ah, anxiety.  isn't it grand?.   now i'm terrified of regain. it's a struggle. 

Absolutely. I'm not at my personal goal weight yet (goal weights the surgeons give you seem to be always a bit mediocre if you ask me) and yet I'm afraid that I have gained when I step on the scales. I wonder if that will subsist with time but somehow I have the feeling it won't.

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summerset, same here. i am a little nervous every morning. goes to show how much of this is mental. i have a new scale arriving today and i'm afraid it will be off by a lot from my current scale.  it's tough but we must press on....

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I think where a lot of my fear lies is in the unknown for me. I've been overweight my ENTIRE life. I absolutely do not have memories of being normal-weight. What is it going to be like? How am I going to be different? Will my friendships fall apart? How will my relationship with my family be different? My husband? Myself?

 I feel pretty confident about who I am and like myself now--other than being obese. I'm used to this body. Am I now going to be ultra self conscious when I'm thin? Will I not like who I become? 

These are the things I'm afraid of. Oh, and of course, me getting just a small taste of it and regaining everything back like I have time and time again. You know, nothing major.

Edited by amandr
Fixed grammar and worded things better.

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Expect changes, Amanda.  You will be treated differently by just about everyone and it will affect you.  I have been thin many times in my life (then fat, fatter, even fatter, OMG stop this fat thereafter).  It is astounding the different experience you will have in just going to the store, walking down the street, going to a restaurant.

I have seen some people become overly sexual in response to the new found attention.  Others have become kind of snotty and mean with an air of entitlement.  Still others retreat from it and start to gain weight again. And others are the same old, same old.

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12 hours ago, TentativeMe said:

Expect changes, Amanda.  You will be treated differently by just about everyone and it will affect you.  I have been thin many times in my life (then fat, fatter, even fatter, OMG stop this fat thereafter).  It is astounding the different experience you will have in just going to the store, walking down the street, going to a restaurant.

I have seen some people become overly sexual in response to the new found attention.  Others have become kind of snotty and mean with an air of entitlement.  Still others retreat from it and start to gain weight again. And others are the same old, same old.

Thank you. I usually can roll with things pretty easily, I think me being overweight is really the only constant thing about me--so I don't want to say I'm clinging to that, it's just....disturbingly familiar and comfortable, I don't want to end up with transfer addiction or be a failure. I guess I just have to continue being honest with myself and trust my family and friends to keep me in check. It's exciting and scary at the same time.

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It really is different being a (more) normal weight. You suddenly start to blend in. People don't stare at you. I think it's quite nice to be invisible if I want to.

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