bellamoma

You're too thin!

18 posts in this topic

How do you guys handle this? 

My mother is on my @#$! about my weight and it's bugging me more than I can say. I have a long history with her with food/weight power struggles. I recently had a stomach virus and lost a couple of pounds. I don't care much if it stays off or comes back to 130-132, which is my usual range. I don't think it's made a huge difference in anything, but she's on me. She's been on me since I went below 150.  I should note she is obese herself and has struggled her entire life with her weight. She started very gradually losing weight about 9 years ago- has lost and kept off about 100lb. She could lose another 80, probably, and would really benefit from having her massive apron of skin removed. 

It makes me really angry and triggers lots of bad memories and feelings.  Any tips on how to handle this without involving me clocking her? KIDDING! 

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My wife is mildly disapproving, not nearly to the extend of your situation. I don't have an answer, I think this happens to many of us.

bellamoma, vsgguy and Spunkycat like this

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I would tell her my doctor is fine with my weight loss.  That my weight loss is not open for discussion.  That if she doesn't comment on your weight, you won't comment on hers.  There are several people I just turn and walk away from when weight comes up.  My mother in law is one.

it takes people a while to adjust to the new you and I'm sure it's out of concern.  But certain things are taboo for me...

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I get this comment on a fairly regular basis. Like Cheesehead said, usually Ill say "I get regular medical care and my doctors all agree that I am a healthy weight". Sometimes, though, I get caught at the wrong time on the wrong day and will say something like "with the majority of the population being overweight and obese, people no longer know what healthy looks like."

LeeC, Aussie H, Res Ipsa and 5 others like this

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9 hours ago, Dunndeal said:

 "with the majority of the population being overweight and obese, people no longer know what healthy looks like."

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. They certainly don't know what healthy looks like on people they've formally known as obese. They also see the wrinkles and assume that you've gone too far. Annoys me no end.

I'll have exactly the same battle with my family when the time comes. I had it before when I got my BMI to 29.8 I don't even want to think about what they'll be like if I ever get into the healthy BMI range. In my experience others are never happy with someone else's weight. You're either too heavy or too skinny. You just have to find a place where you're happy and maintain it. 

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Once upon a time about 50-60 years ago the insurances actually had a hwp list. 

Women were "allowed" 5# for every inch over 5 feet so if you are 5'2" 110# was the acceptable weight.

Men were allowed 10# for every inch over 5 feet so at 5'10" 200# was the acceptable weight.

Be polite the first time and be firm the rest of the time that you're healthy.

bellamoma and Dunndeal like this

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"too thin for what exactly? To not make you feel bad about your own weight?" 

bellamoma likes this

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Through time and therapy, I realize that I cannot change her, I can only change myself and how I react to her. Sometimes I feel like screaming at her. She doesn't know I had surgery but she knows I no longer eat sweets. I have explained to her that it's no different than alcoholism for me, so I choose to abstain completely. Still, she offers me sweets all the time. She baked up a storm for Christmas and just asked me if I tried the cookies she made, they are a new recipe blah blah blah. I just answered that I'm sure they're delicious. I don't eat sweets. Like, how many #%^+ times do I have to say it? If I was an alcoholic, would she ask me if I tried the wine she brought my husband? GAH.  Venting. Sorry. 

Caspian, Res Ipsa, tmcgee and 5 others like this

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In most cultures food=love, respect or something other belief passed down through generations. My mother felt food fixed every problem. That is on my top 5 of why I got fat. Not denying responsibility, but that was how many of us were raised. I also think that for some people cooking elaborate meals makes them feel better emotionally. You also need to consider demographics. My mother was raised in the depression, so things like cakes and cookies were very rare.

I do also think that she probably is concerned about your health, because most Mom's do that.

i would encourage you to consider that it is unlikely she will drastically change. That means you will need to change your reaction to her. You might consider taking a small bite of one cookie and ask if you can bring them to work to share. My church has a social hour after worship and you might share that way. Soup kitchens will also accept home baked goods.

Is it possible that you might bake together? It would be a bonding experience and you will also let her see how much homeless / hungry people enjoy a treat like home baked something. Oreos are good, but home baked cc cookies are so much better because each cookie lets people know you care.

Noneof these thoughts may work for you, but it is what comes into my head this morning.

Best....

bellamoma, Raeme and Aussie H like this

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Oh, she doesn't know that you had surgery? Well that could be a big part of it. She is probably really confused. I understand why you didn't want to tell her, I really do. I didn't tell some people too because I just knew that I was going to be bombarded with questions and judgements and constant comments about what I was or wasn't eating and how much I lost, and I just am not the type of person who can deal with that. 

What would she do if you did tell her that you had surgery? Or I hate to say it, but can you fake type II diabetes? I don't know enough about it, I guess. But I think something like a disease where you aren't allowed to have sugary might be something? Maybe that's horrible! 

I just think that with alcoholism, it can directly kill someone, it directly affects everything so severely, it makes the person a different person. With food, it's more subtle so people don't see it. And if you have other dysfunction in your family system like other addiction, abuse, depression, etc, when one person changes and doesn't fit in with the roles they are "supposed" to play it can upset other people who are used to the status quo. I'm sorry she is doing this. 

bellamoma likes this

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Posted (edited)

Bella, I don't know if you were full blown diabetic pre surgery but to jump onto Lightenup's train of thought, you were probably at least pre-diabetic. Maybe use that? 

"Between not eating your goodies mom and losing weight- my numbers look great and my doctor couldn't be more pleased"????? :ph34r:

Edited by Clickin
bellamoma likes this

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With alcoholics the saying goes "one drink is too many and one thousand drinks are too few".  My mother was an alcoholic but a sober one until I was 13 (then life got interesting).  It would have made more sense for her to be Catholic or Baptist and have avoided the communion wine even once a month. Don't feel you need to have a taste of cookies if cookies are your Achilles heel.  Just be polite and be redundant.  The cookies I got for Christmas went to the grandkids and to work.  I would have put them in a Blessings Bag but it's been so cold nobody is out panhandling.

GAviv, Fitz and bellamoma like this

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I wouldn't be lying about something as serious as diabetes. Just tell her you've decided to follow the trend of quitting sugar for the sake of your long term health. It's true afterall and lots of non-surgery dieters are doing it.

Spunkycat, I totally agree with the cultural need to feed. I met my partner after my first WLS. Even though he knew about it, his big thing was always that if a man can't feed his family then he isn't much of a man. It didn't matter how much I tried to drum into him that his portion sizes were far to much, he was happiest when our kids, myself and the pets were fat. It was a battle I waged (and could never win) our entire life together. Whenever he worked away from home we all ate healthily and dropped weight, but once he'd get home it would be massive feed ups for one and all. Even our dogs were yo-yo dieters. The humans in my household just gave up, the dogs on the other hand couldn't wait for daddy to come home.

LeeC and bellamoma like this

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Thanks so much to everyone for your replies.  I wouldn't bake or partake in any of the sweets she makes because I have chosen to abstain from sweets, as I lose control with them and I don't need them to live. I guess that's where my frustration comes in. I do understand the cultural aspect of it, yes in my culture food is love- i just want to know when will it be my turn to have some understanding sent MY way, you know? When will she say to HERself, "well, she's lost a lot of weight and says that sweets are an addiction to her. I'll do my best not to temp her, that must be hard".

But I know that day will never come, hence the rant, hence therapy. It's the hard part of truly understanding that life just isn't fair. 

Thanks y'all again. You know you're all the bees knees. 

Res Ipsa, Clickin, msmarymac and 1 other like this

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I'd probably quit trying to explain myself or defend my "skinniness" and just smile and say, "I love you too, Mama".  But then, I'm a little passive aggressive so there's that.  You really don't owe anyone a justification though, especially if you've already given an explanation. 

Stephtay, Clickin, bellamoma and 1 other like this

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haha msmary, if i said that to her she'd take my temperature to see if i was sick. we don't have that kind of relationship, for sure. but that gave me a chuckle.  also i am *so* passive aggressive. i'm trying not to be anymore. but i do love some good passive aggression. it's my weapon of choice. i'm working on it! 

Res Ipsa, Clickin and msmarymac like this

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I would say

'I am sooo bored with talking about food and weight so this is my last word on the topic. But let's talk about..holidays...the weather or whatever floats your boat.'

 

Good luck and love the amazing body you must now have. :lol:

Edited by Suky
bellamoma and like_rain_to_sea like this

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thank you suky!

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