BlueEyedGirl

Bad Depression

28 posts in this topic

I am one year out from my surgery and my depression is so bad. I have always had depression but since surgery it's been hard to deal with. I am working with a therapist and he helps me out a lot but I just can't seem to get past it. I am happy with my weight loss but when I look in the mirror all I see is the same girl who used to weight 400 lbs. I have an appointment with a doctor to discuss meds but I am scared of weight gain. Will I ever love myself and will this ever get better? :(

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First off, you've done amazing; don't ever forget that.

Nearly 3 years out I still see the fat man when I look in the mirror, I don't see that as abnormal as I spent so much of my life obese, the person in the mirror is still a bit of a stranger.  Its like the only me I understand is the obese one.  I think you will love who you are but in my experience it will come from acceptance.  Acceptance that you are good, that you have value, and that you've accomplished an amazing thing by losing all that weight.  I hope you can come to accept and see the strength it took to do what you've done.

Please know that everyone here understands and shares in your feelings in many ways.  We are here for you.

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Depression sucks, sorry you're going through that. Be proud of what you've already done though--no matter what you've accomplished something amazing.

Self-image takes a long time to change--but it does change. In some ways losing your fat self is like going through a death--but in reverse.

As you keep moving ahead you'll find your self image keeps moving to a better place but it takes time and some days won't be great.

Hang in there--this is something that time will help with.

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28 minutes ago, PapaG said:

First off, you've done amazing; don't ever forget that.

Nearly 3 years out I still see the fat man when I look in the mirror, I don't see that as abnormal as I spent so much of my life obese, the person in the mirror is still a bit of a stranger.  Its like the only me I understand is the obese one.  I think you will love who you are but in my experience it will come from acceptance.  Acceptance that you are good, that you have value, and that you've accomplished an amazing thing by losing all that weight.  I hope you can come to accept and see the strength it took to do what you've done.

Please know that everyone here understands and shares in your feelings in many ways.  We are here for you.

Thanks so much! It means a lot to me. My mind is still trying to catch up with all of the changes. I am working hard to accept who I am and be happy. It sure can be rough! It's nice to have support!

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23 minutes ago, MarktheNerd said:

Depression sucks, sorry you're going through that. Be proud of what you've already done though--no matter what you've accomplished something amazing.

Self-image takes a long time to change--but it does change. In some ways losing your fat self is like going through a death--but in reverse.

As you keep moving ahead you'll find your self image keeps moving to a better place but it takes time and some days won't be great.

Hang in there--this is something that time will help with.

Thank you! It really is like a death. I have to keep telling myself I am the same person just healthier. I hope in time it will pass.

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You aren't the same person though--this *is* a big change. You aren't the same person you were on 9/10/2015 and a year from now you'll be a different you again. It's a big change--this is a positive one, though, so it's good! :)

When you look in a mirror you're looking at a person no-one else sees anymore. We're often the last people to see ourselves change because we're in the middle of it.

Once your weight stabilizes it usually helps your mood because of hormonal stuff getting sorted out. Losing weight is stressful on the body.

Once things settle down you can have a great time getting to know yourself again. I bet you'll be pleasantly surprised!

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hey, do you take antidepressants? i wonder if you may need to switch it if you are? i have found that medications affect me so much differently now than before.  Just a thought.  I replied to your last post as well, i really feel for you as someone who also has depression. it's a crappy, crappy thing, and i hope it lifts for you soon.  

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20 hours ago, MarktheNerd said:

You aren't the same person though--this *is* a big change. You aren't the same person you were on 9/10/2015 and a year from now you'll be a different you again. It's a big change--this is a positive one, though, so it's good! :)

When you look in a mirror you're looking at a person no-one else sees anymore. We're often the last people to see ourselves change because we're in the middle of it.

Once your weight stabilizes it usually helps your mood because of hormonal stuff getting sorted out. Losing weight is stressful on the body.

Once things settle down you can have a great time getting to know yourself again. I bet you'll be pleasantly surprised!

As I was reading through I thought the same thing that Mark said - you aren't the same person.

For me, I looked at this as a way to hit the reset button on my life. My world was starting to get smaller as I got bigger and older. I was more likely to say "no" to trying new things or even doing things I'd done when I was younger. Since WLS I've ridden roller coasters, been to a trampoline park, learned to scuba dive, the list goes on and on. Not only is it fun to do these things, I get an endorphin rush from them similar to the rush I used to get from food. 3 years out its still very important for me to engage in activities that give me good feelings and don't have anything to do with food. 

Keep working with your therapist and be kind to yourself. It a huge change and it takes a while for your brain to process everything.

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4 hours ago, bellamoma said:

hey, do you take antidepressants? i wonder if you may need to switch it if you are? i have found that medications affect me so much differently now than before.  Just a thought.  I replied to your last post as well, i really feel for you as someone who also has depression. it's a crappy, crappy thing, and i hope it lifts for you soon.  

No I am not on anything right now. I have an appointment on Nov 10th to see someone about meds. It's been hell and I am to the point where i can't function.

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1 hour ago, Stephtay said:

As I was reading through I thought the same thing that Mark said - you aren't the same person.

For me, I looked at this as a way to hit the reset button on my life. My world was starting to get smaller as I got bigger and older. I was more likely to say "no" to trying new things or even doing things I'd done when I was younger. Since WLS I've ridden roller coasters, been to a trampoline park, learned to scuba dive, the list goes on and on. Not only is it fun to do these things, I get an endorphin rush from them similar to the rush I used to get from food. 3 years out its still very important for me to engage in activities that give me good feelings and don't have anything to do with food. 

Keep working with your therapist and be kind to yourself. It a huge change and it takes a while for your brain to process everything.

Thanks so much! I will keep doing my best.

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10 hours ago, BlueEyedGirl said:

No I am not on anything right now. I have an appointment on Nov 10th to see someone about meds. It's been hell and I am to the point where i can't function.

I just came out of that depression/anxiety hole I fall into about every ten years. My PCP referred me to a prescribing therapist and turned over the management of my behavioral meds to her when I told him the drugs I was taking weren't working anymore. She is quite a specialist, and after a couple of months with her and a psychologist I see every 15 years or so, I'm not stuck anymore and I'm feeling happy again. I do like my PCP, and he's great at many things, just not this particular area. Get help to get unstuck, some things are just more than we can handle alone.

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2 hours ago, tmcgee said:

I just came out of that depression/anxiety hole I fall into about every ten years. My PCP referred me to a prescribing therapist and turned over the management of my behavioral meds to her when I told him the drugs I was taking weren't working anymore. She is quite a specialist, and after a couple of months with her and a psychologist I see every 15 years or so, I'm not stuck anymore and I'm feeling happy again. I do like my PCP, and he's great at many things, just not this particular area. Get help to get unstuck, some things are just more than we can handle alone.

I am set up to see a specialist in the area where my therapist works as well. I go in on Nov 10th. I am hoping they can find something that can help me out.

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antidepressants can make a world of difference.  I was on them in my 20s but was able to be off of them for a really long time.  Then a few years ago I had to abruptly wean my son due to illness and medications I had to take, and all of the sudden I found myself in an incredibly deep depression. I think the abrupt withdrawal of hormones needed to make milk plus the happy hormones that are released when you breast feed just put me into a tizzy.  Still, I fought very hard not to go back on meds, I really didn't want to.  Then Robin Williams killed himself, and I thought, huh. That's pretty smart.  I got scared that I felt that way.  I started antidepressants again the next day.  Felt SO much better. So much better, in fact, that I weaned off around this time last year.  Well, I wasn't ready. The depression came back hard.  I restarted and have been on ever since. Although I still have feelings of depression, my anxiety is way down, and my depression is more of a nuisance than a debilitating condition- like what you're describing now. I really feel for you. I hope you are feeling better soon. 

Edited by bellamoma
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4 hours ago, tmcgee said:

 I'm feeling happy again. 

So happy to hear you are feeling happy again! 

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A simple positive programming is have current pictures of you on the mirror and around your house. That way you see a skinnier you. It does help.  Hang in there and work with your therapist. 

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On 10/26/2016 at 11:33 AM, bellamoma said:

antidepressants can make a world of difference.  I was on them in my 20s but was able to be off of them for a really long time.  Then a few years ago I had to abruptly wean my son due to illness and medications I had to take, and all of the sudden I found myself in an incredibly deep depression. I think the abrupt withdrawal of hormones needed to make milk plus the happy hormones that are released when you breast feed just put me into a tizzy.  Still, I fought very hard not to go back on meds, I really didn't want to.  Then Robin Williams killed himself, and I thought, huh. That's pretty smart.  I got scared that I felt that way.  I started antidepressants again the next day.  Felt SO much better. So much better, in fact, that I weaned off around this time last year.  Well, I wasn't ready. The depression came back hard.  I restarted and have been on ever since. Although I still have feelings of depression, my anxiety is way down, and my depression is more of a nuisance than a debilitating condition- like what you're describing now. I really feel for you. I hope you are feeling better soon. 

It's so tough because it can just hit me so hard out of no where. I used to be on meds years ago and got off of them due to weight gain and bad side effects. This whole change in my body is messing with me. I hope meds will help because I am sooooo sick of feeling like this.

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I hope things get better for you!  

Im with Papa!  More often than not I look in the mirror but don't see the new me.  Catching a glimpse of my reflection in windows throws me for a loop.  I don't identify with pictures of the old me and I don't identify with pictures of the new me, either.  I may be stuck in the twilight zone;).  But I'm still the same me deep down.  But then again I've tried to step out of my comfort zone.

life changes daily and that makes us who we are.... 

 

Edited by Cheesehead
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On 10/27/2016 at 2:46 PM, LeeC said:

A simple positive programming is have current pictures of you on the mirror and around your house. That way you see a skinnier you. It does help.  Hang in there and work with your therapist. 

Two of the key things my psychologist told me were to keep a gratitude journal, lots of apps for that, and to start thinking about what went well and why. Those things definitely worked and continue to work for me.

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Blue eyes-are you up north?  There's a group of us who get together about once a month in the twin city area if you are nearby..

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1 hour ago, Cheesehead said:

Blue eyes-are you up north?  There's a group of us who get together about once a month in the twin city area if you are nearby..

Yes I am up by duluth. :) It would be nice to meet others from Mn!

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Jolls is up your way!

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Your appointment with your therapist is in a couple of days. Afterward, definitely let us know how it went. Doctors will typically reach for an SSRI first, many of which cause weight gain and tend to kill the libido (which you may want back once you're feeling better ;) ). Make sure you discuss which drug is right for you rather than letting the doctor prescribe his or her "go to" antidepressant. There are options.

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Please research any drug they want to put on.  Find out what the side effects are starting it and also what they are coming off it.  I'm on an SSRI (prescribed 10+ years ago) and my new psychiatrist says my SSRI is one of the worst for awful withdrawal effects, even with just weaning off.

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9 hours ago, MaggienScout said:

Please research any drug they want to put on.  Find out what the side effects are starting it and also what they are coming off it.  I'm on an SSRI (prescribed 10+ years ago) and my new psychiatrist says my SSRI is one of the worst for awful withdrawal effects, even with just weaning off.

I was on a SSRI before surgery as well and I went off it cold turkey and have been off for about 8 years. We are going through some very hard trauma talking from my past. It is causing me a lot of depression and panic. My regular Dr doesn't want me on anything and my therapist has me seeing someone tomorrow in his department to see if they can get me on something to help with my post traumatic stress disorder. I am scared of the effects as well but i can't keep living like this. I am hoping whatever they can find for me will help. I really do trust my therapist as he has been so great! :)

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11 hours ago, WendyH said:

Your appointment with your therapist is in a couple of days. Afterward, definitely let us know how it went. Doctors will typically reach for an SSRI first, many of which cause weight gain and tend to kill the libido (which you may want back once you're feeling better ;) ). Make sure you discuss which drug is right for you rather than letting the doctor prescribe his or her "go to" antidepressant. There are options.

I sure will! I will be very careful and let them know what I want and do not want. Hopefully it will be successful! :)

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