Jessdawn

Almost 5 years out...skinny..but..

7 posts in this topic

That but is a big but.  Let me preface it with my story...and even before that, I'll say hello to people I haven't seen in a while...as I haven't been on here in nearly two years. I had the name Jdawnie or Jessidawn or something like that before.  So hello again, old friends.  

Before I had GB I weighed 330lbs.  I was 30 years old. I had a 10 year old daughter. And I was severely depressed. I rarely left my house. I lived on my computer. I neglected my daughter. I lived in a fantasy world. And I had attempted suicide several times, a few which landed me in the hospital, and two that landed me in a psychiatric hospital. Also... Ever seen catfish? If that show had been made 6 years ago, you may have caught me on it. 

Then in 2011, my mother DID commit suicide. And that was perhaps the darkest time of my entire life...The day I found out, was the worst day of my life. She was my ONLY friend. My biggest supporter.  She always believed in me. And always believed I could change my life.  Losing her, and the way I lost her, was a huge wake up call. It made me realize that I had to change. My life had to change.  So I started school, and at the same time, started trying to get approved for surgery. Very easy to do in my case as I had 2 co-morbidities. 

Fast forward nearly 5 years.  180ish lbs later, 1 abdominoplasty(tummy tuck) 1 breast lift, and 1 new baby (now 14 months old). I have been in a relationship for three years now (Ironically with someone that I "catfished" during my dark days) We just bought a home, are engaged, have a baby together.  I was so so terrified to have a baby, because my weight increased so dramatically after my first, and I had JUST had a tummy tuck, and did not want to gain any weight back. I still wanted to lose weight, though I was fairly happy with where I was.  After he was born, it was a struggle...but now I am finally where I was again, which is my lowest weight ever, 145lbs.  And am I happy? Yes. Deliriously so...my life has changed. So so much. For the better. But...(as so many of you know...there are BUTS)

But, I probably have an eating disorder now. I won't admit it to my fiance, though he suspects.  I don't eat much. Maybe 700 calories a day. And when I feel Im eating too much, I chew my food, and then spit it out. Sounds gross I know.  But anytime, and I do mean anytime, I put something in my mouth that isn't healthy, I suffer a severe bout of guilt. This has been there since the beginning. It doesn't matter if Ive eaten nothing but lettuce for a week, if I eat 1 piece of candy, I feel heavy guilt. 

But...now I have reactive hypoglycemia.  If any of you deal with this, you know it can be really awful.  For the most part, it is under control.  But if I eat carbs, or sugars, it crashes. And fast. The lowest I've tested myself at was around 28.  Scary. Another reason I try to avoid most carbs and sugars completely. I find the episodes are less frequent when I stay away from those. 

But...I am afraid. Of getting fat again. Of being that girl I used to be again. I weight myself every morning. And even going up half a lb, or a quarter of a lb, upsets me. I take medication for anxiety, and it's mostly due to my fear of going backwards. 

I never had any physical complications due to the surgery (Except the hypoglycemia, and during pregnancy, a few issues that resolved after) but what I never expected was the mental side of surgery.

Did it make me happier? Yes.

Am I healthier? Yes.

Did if fix everything? No.

Did it add problems? Yes.

Is it easy? Never. 

I should probably talk to a therapist, because I don't think I've ever worked through a lot of the issues in my life that probably led to my obesity. But, that's another problem to be addressed perhaps.  But, with all those buts...I still do NOT regret my surgery.  It saved my life. 100%. I AM happier. I AM healthier. I have a beautiful life now. My daughter is happier. Her life changed too. She got a mom she deserved. Not one wallowing in depression and practically agoraphobic.  I would never change having it.  I wish I had done it sooner. I wish it hadn't taken the death of my mother to knock me out of the downward spiral I was in.  She'll never see the person I am today.  Though I'm confident she knew that person was inside me.  

 

So if you are reading this and havent had surgery...I always think it's the right choice, if you have tried and need a little help.  Just know that it isn't a fix all. There will be buts. 

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shmooshy, LadyFl, AdrianVV and 6 others like this

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Sorry to hear about your struggles but it's true that WLS can't and won't "fix" everything. It sounds as though you have made some pretty significant and positive changes in your life and that's to be commended. And you look fabulous. I'd definitely start seeing a therapist to help you in that area and and other areas of your life you struggle with. And so sorry you lost your mom. Best of luck to you...glad you're back on TT. As you know, there's a lot of support here.   

Res Ipsa likes this

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valuable post for pre-oppers.  it most certainly isn't a fix all, it's an important message for folks to hear.  I'm so sorry to hear you lost your mother.  suicide is a particularly painful loss.  i hope you are able to find a good therapist to support you in finding your way.  for sure, food can be abused, and when our ability to abuse it for comfort is taken away, we can find other (unhealthy) ways to cope with stressors.  I have found therapy invaluable for me in this regard, I hope you can too. xo

Stephtay likes this

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Would love to hear the story on how you cat fished your way into a good relationship....sounds like it would make a good mini series!

 

  

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God bless you. You have been through A LOT. But you are a survivor, a strong woman that your daughter can look up to. I understand your relationship to food, and you are the first person I've heard of that chews food and spits it out--like I have. I truly struggle with my relationship to food, the sugar withdrawal is ongoing.  I understand the fear of regaining after pregnancy. The constant thinking about what is going in my mouth is very obsessive to me also. I have done counceling for marital issues but was surprised how much of it has to do with self worth. I'm forgiving myself for not being perfect and  hating myself for eating a cookie is just wrong. You look beautiful in both pictures, your inner beauty radiates! You have a lot you can share with others experiencing similar issues, and have already inspired me on my slow weight loss 'journey'. :-)

pammieanne likes this

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Thank you all!  

Baby - that is kind of a long long story, but with a happy ending! lol I always watch catfish and think how lucky I am mine turned out okay! (I was the catfisher)

And pilotswife...it's tough...I hate doing that, but sometimes, I literally HAVE to taste that reece's lol. And I can't deal with the guilt after.  

Thank you all for the supporting comments. Life is a work in progress for us all.  Knowing people out there understand helps.

 

 

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Good for you, congrats! 

I think definitely working with a therapist who knows a lot about WLS and eating disorders is going to be great for you. 

I've heard this referred to as a medically supervised eating disorder. Lol. Maybe it is. I don't care. 

I think it's good that you are so ardent and aware about not gaining it back but you need to come to a healthy balance mentally. Maybe if you address the reasons why you gained in the first place and know you have healed those it will make you more secure. If you know your patterns and triggers it can help a great deal because you have control over them now once you work through them. 

 

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