OctoberKissez

Is it fair?

13 posts in this topic

Hello everyone! My name is Fran and I am getting "sleeved" on 8/15/16. 

Not sure how many of you out there have a similar story.  Through various diets over a few years, I was able to take off 130 pounds.  I swore up-and-down I would never get that heavy again. But unfortunately, not only did I gain back what I lost, I am even heavier now than I was at my heaviest before. So here I am turning to surgery for help. I feel like a failure. That being said, I don't look down on others who have bariatric surgery. It's just, I feel like a failure. But wait, if someone has a defected heart, surely they would seek out a way to get better. And maybe have heart surgery.  How is that any different from having surgery to help me lose weight? Bah...whatever.

Anyway, my question is: is it fair of me to ask my husband to keep out the junk food that he wants? Like, why can't I control myself? I'm an addict...and I feel weak. He should be able to have the food he wants and not have to worry that I will mess up and eat it. So is it fair to ask him this?

Edited by OctoberKissez
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I'd be honest with him about your addiction to junk food. If he's a considerate husband, he'll put two and two together and will OFFER to stop bringing junk food into your home. If not, you've got something to talk about with your therapist. :)

Welcome to the forums.

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I love to bake.  We have 5 grown kids.  I bake when they come over and send it home.  I hubby is picky with sweets.  I bake cookies and freeze them for him (I don't like frozen cookies:).  If there is something I can't handle being in the house, I take it to work or send it with hubby to keep in his office and eat.  Chips are not my weakness:).  

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46 minutes ago, Northchild said:

I'd be honest with him about your addiction to junk food. If he's a considerate husband, he'll put two and two together and will OFFER to stop bringing junk food into your home. If not, you've got something to talk about with your therapist. :)

Welcome to the forums.

Oh he knows...but hasn't offered because he might feel that it's unfair.

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I think it's totally fair to ask him. Think of it this way: is it fair for a recovering alcoholic to ask that you don't bring alcohol into their home? 

Also, are there any foods that he likes that you're not interested in? Maybe it could be a compromise that he just doesn't bring certain foods that are temptations for you into the house. That's been my approach (as I have 4 kids and a husband who did not have surgery) and it's worked well for me. 

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On 7/9/2016 at 5:05 PM, OctoberKissez said:

Hello everyone! My name is Fran and I am getting "sleeved" on 8/15/16. 

Not sure how many of you out there have a similar story.  Through various diets over a few years, I was able to take off 130 pounds.  I swore up-and-down I would never get that heavy again. But unfortunately, not only did I gain back what I lost, I am even heavier now than I was at my heaviest before. So here I am turning to surgery for help. I feel like a failure. That being said, I don't look down on others who have bariatric surgery. It's just, I feel like a failure. But wait, if someone has a defected heart, surely they would seek out a way to get better. And maybe have heart surgery.  How is that any different from having surgery to help me lose weight? Bah...whatever.

Anyway, my question is: is it fair of me to ask my husband to keep out the junk food that he wants? Like, why can't I control myself? I'm an addict...and I feel weak. He should be able to have the food he wants and not have to worry that I will mess up and eat it. So is it fair to ask him this?

I am a food addict. For decades I made horrible decisions about food. When I was pre-op I knew I couldn't have my kryptonite in the house (ice cream, carrot cake, doritos.) I asked him to keep it either in his work car - to which I don't have keys. Hidden deep in his man cave or just not bring it in the house at all. He didn't bring any junk in the house for several months. Now, we have stuff on occasion. It if starts to bother me I ask him to put it out of sight. 

Ask him to keep the junk food out of the house! As someone else said -  if you quit drinking would you feel guilty to ask him to keep the booze out of the house? Probably not. Who cares if he feels its unfair? Not much in life is fair and part of being a couple is on occasion making the decision to do what's right for the other person even if its not really what you want to do. He'll cope just fine. And if he doesn't, that's his problem and stays on him unless you make it yours as well. 

You aren't a failure. Weight loss and food addiction is REALLY hard. 

You've made a great decision! I cannot tell you how much better my life is now post-op and I was happy person pre-op. Good Luck - I am rooting for you!

Clickin, WendyH, Raeme and 3 others like this

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I don't know. I'm a food addict too. I'm especially addicted to bread pasta and sugar. I live with my husband and my 4 grown children. I can't ask them to keep bread and pasta out of the house. Even sugary treats. No it's not fair. I can't ask them to drastically change the way they eat. We don't buy junk. Our meals are all home cooked. Where would they go to eat? Yes I know once an addict always an addict. And I'm definitely one of those. I struggled for years. But after surgery, the sleeve has helped a lot. I still crave things but it's also a mental process. I just decided no more! So I watch them all eat my favorite foods but won' t indulge. It's a decision that can vary from household to household. There is no right or wrong way of tackling this problem. It's just my personal experience.

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I think it's fair to ask. I also think it's fair for him to say no. Hopefully you can get to a point where you can say no to something when it's around you! Good luck.

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This is a tough one.  I would ask. After all, he's your husband and presumably would do whatever he could to help you.  An alternative can be that if he brings it in the house, it's somewhere hidden that you'd never look, and he doesn't tell you it's around.  I pretty much control what is in our house, and my husband isn't sweets person- so he doesn't bring anything home that's tempting to me anyway.  

Many moons ago when I lived at home with my parents, I begged my mom to not bring sweets home.  She refused, and told me to pretend it wasn't there.  She would bring 4 packs of cinnabons and cakes and pastries, even the bread she brought home was some sort of apple crumb thing that she would by at the farmer's market. It was pure torture for me and I swear sometimes it felt like she did it more the more I begged her not to.  It's a very painful memory for me.  Maybe that's why my first reaction was "this is a tough one".

anyway, i wouldn't get too wrapped up in what is fair and what is not.  it just is.  you are a food addict (i am too).  it's ok to reach out for help. 

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It doesn't bother me now but early out, I did not think I had the right to impose my new way of life on anyone so to that end, I didn't ask my husband not to buy junk, candy etc, just not eat it in front of me.  So I gave him a large cookie tin and asked him to keep his stash in that, hidden from me.  And he did as I asked.

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My parents live with me. They keep things I don't eat in a cabinet I stay out of, but they're eating healthier and buying less junk since I'm eating healthier.  The junk doesn't appeal to me post-surgery.

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I also didn't feel it was fair to impose my new way of eating on my boyfriend so I only asked him to do a few small things that would make it easier for me. For example, if he wants to eat pizza, pasta or take out I ask that he do it the nights I have class and we eat dinner separately. I asked him to eat mostly high protein, low carb dinners with me the other nights. Since he has at least two days a week he can eat whatever he wants for dinner, he was open to eating healthy the other days.

I also ask him not to keep a ton of cookies or other sweets around. He usually will buy one package of cookies or a pint of ice cream for himself each week. That's when I put my willpower to use and resist from eating it (most of the time - I've had a few bites here and there. I'm not perfect!) But it's helpful for me to not have gobs of it in the cabinets - something about a smaller package makes me feel like oh, this is just barely enough for him so I don't want to take any. It works for me.

My boyfriend has been very supportive of my journey with the surgery and was definitely open to working on some compromises so he could support me. I think the key is not saying he can't eat sweets or carbs ever again - it's just asking that he not do it in front of you!

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