Lisa Esposito

Clueless things people say after major weight loss

37 posts in this topic

For another possible U.S. News story: for the last one on emotional issues after surgery, forum members mentioned clueless things they heard from acquaintance. I'd like to list some things readers should not say when someone loses a lot of weight -- and good ways to respond. Contact me here or at [email protected]  

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I am sure we've all heard some derivation of this one:

"YOU TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT" in regard to any weight loss surgery. The fact is, bariatric surgery is a tool, not a magic bullet for weight loss, that when combined with rigorous lifestyle changes that span mind, body, and spirit, yield permanent weight loss that then ends one's personal battle with comorbid diseases such as diabetes and hypertension. 

<applause>

Thank you very much. You love me. You really love me. 

hahaha. 

Edited by My Bariatric Life
edited for grammar and typos

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I am sure we've all heard some derivation of this one:

"YOU TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT" in regard to any weight loss surgery. The fact is, bariatric surgery is a tool, not a magic bullet for weight loss, that when combined with rigorous lifestyle changes that span mind, body, and spirit, yield permanent weight loss that then ends one's personal battle with comorbid diseases such as diabetes and hypertension. 

<applause>

Thank you very much. You love me. You really love me. 

hahaha. 

There isn't one damn thing that's easy about this. The people who say otherwise obviously do not have first hand experience. I struggle every single day -- no, it is NOT easy, yet I don't want to go back to the way it used to be.

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"How much did you lose?"   I'd never ask anyone without weightloss surgery what they weighed, got paid or anything so personal. 

I think when I admit what I lost in weight, I admit how much I gained. Hard for me personally.

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My personal favorite clueless statement:  "Why didn't you just eat less and lose the weight that way?"

What a stupid and clueless question.  Of course if it was that simple I would have lost the weight by eating less.  Do I look stupid?  But for me, simply eating less resulted in losing some weight and then gaining it (and often more) back.  Only through weight loss surgery was significant long term weight loss possible for me.

Snippets, Nutin2it, Raddy and 5 others like this

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"You'll look so pretty when you lose more weight" Implies that I am ugly.

"how much weight have you lost now"  I don't always like saying how much I've lost, and then if you haven't lost what they think is enough you get "looks"

 

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"You'll look so pretty when you lose more weight" Implies that I am ugly.

"how much weight have you lost now"  I don't always like saying how much I've lost, and then if you haven't lost what they think is enough you get "looks"

 

Personally, I've never cared what anyone else thinks, except for my family. We're all different when it comes to this, some folks are very sensitive and some (like me) don't give a hoot!   :)

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I have a friend who tells me I took the easy way out.  That she is losing weight the hard way.  I've distanced myself from her.  I have been on every diet known to man and failed them all.  I was taking 18 pills a day for medical reasons, many of those made losing weight impossible.  I had to do something different or I wasn't going to live to see my grandchildren grow up.  

I don't share my WLS with people I'm not close too as I don't want to be judged.  I have been judged my entire life for being overweight, I wasn't going to be judged for this as well.

I also don't like hearing how someone knows someone who had surgery and gained it all back.  If you can't say something positive, don't say anything at all!

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My wife gained almost all of it back, I try to encourage her without being a jerk about it, but  it isn't working. She has many other health problems and I try to be supportive. It is NOT easy.

Bigfuzzy and LeeC like this

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Recently a friend said she was thinking about WLS and asked on Facebook what others thought about it, and what their personal experiences have been. Boy, what an eye opener...people spoke very freely about what they thought! It mostly boiled down to.....

1. Have you tried diet and exercise? With those two things you CAN overcome your weight problem.

2. I know someone (who knows someone, who knows someone's mom...) who gained it ALL back and then some. Have you tried diet and exercise?

and

3. I know people who had it and had serious health issues after (forget whether they are WLS related problems). Have you tried diet and exercise?

Seriously, they ALL acted like my friend had never thought of eating healthy and exercising! It was insulting just reading their replies and they weren't even aimed at me! I probably won't tell anyone outside of my close circle just for that reason... I really don't want all eyes on me, hedging their bets on how big I will fail. Also, I know a LOT of people who have tried "traditional diet and exercise" and gained it all back and then some. No one seems to discount it out because they see others fail at it. 

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Aubrey 

if you do not want to be the subject of gossip, keep your surgery to yourself. Once you ring a bell, you cannot unring it.

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35 minutes ago, Spunkycat said:

Aubrey 

if you do not want to be the subject of gossip, keep your surgery to yourself. Once you ring a bell, you cannot unring it.

Very true! That's why I do not share at this time. Maybe some day but not now.

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I was judged in the past because I was obese... not by anyone who truly mattered to me, of course. My family always loved me no matter what. And for that I am truly blessed. Here is the kicker, though. When I had the plastic surgery, I was judged by WLS patients... "not everyone has the money to have all that surgery" is akin to being told that I took the easy way out. 

Coming through this makes one a whole lot stronger, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. And for that I am very grateful! Love comes from the divinity with ourselves, and we each have to find that. For me, it took having the plastic surgery a decade after my gastric bypass, to realize that I hadn't loved myself, that I had been ashamed of my obesity and my surgery. I am not ashamed of it anymore and I share my story and my very revealing photos freely online for all to see. That's because I grew to love myself, grew secure in who I am, and simply wanted to share and help others.

Usually when we are out of love -- say for example, and this is just one example of many so apply this to yourself as appropriate, if we see an obese person and feel a moment of disgust, it's really not about that person, rather it is about how we feel about ourselves -- that person is just a mirror for what we dislike about ourselves, a self-recrimination of our former obesity. I would hazard a guess that people who are telling us that we took the easy way out with bariatric surgery are afraid to get the surgery themselves (for any number of reasons) or may not be able to afford it or have insurance coverage for it. If we look at it another way, it is an opportunity for us to educate them about the surgery and perhaps meet their needs rather than take offense at what they're saying. It truly is not about us.

Gosh, I feel like a group hug right now. hahaha

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I don't understand why people get bent out of shape by anyone taking the "easy way out". Even if it WERE the easy way, why do others find it more virtuous to do things the hard way? If it were more virtuous to do things the hard way, why aren't these judgemental people walking to work, cooking on a campfire, hunting their food and clothing, making their tools from stones, bones and sticks? Apparently easy is ok for anyone but those who need to lose weight. I haven't had my surgery yet (June 7) but I am already aware that this is going to take just as much work as those who do it without surgery....in otherwords, NOT easy, but IF it were why would anyone say no "No, I must do it the hard way"? It boggles the mind!  This is my main reason for keeping this to a very tiny (3 people) group of people I trust. NO ONE else has any need to know!!

T

Jabsie, Velli, Raddy and 17 others like this

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On 4/8/2016 at 5:46 PM, ShrinkMe said:

I don't understand why people get bent out of shape by anyone taking the "easy way out". Even if it WERE the easy way, why do others find it more virtuous to do things the hard way? If it were more virtuous to do things the hard way, why aren't these judgemental people walking to work, cooking on a campfire, hunting their food and clothing, making their tools from stones, bones and sticks? Apparently easy is ok for anyone but those who need to lose weight. I haven't had my surgery yet (June 7) but I am already aware that this is going to take just as much work as those who do it without surgery....in otherwords, NOT easy, but IF it were why would anyone say no "No, I must do it the hard way"? It boggles the mind!  This is my main reason for keeping this to a very tiny (3 people) group of people I trust. NO ONE else has any need to know!!

T

I have felt this way for a long time. Let's say for the sake of argument that WLS is the easy way out....so what?!?! The entire evolution of our species is the result of humans consistently finding an easier way to do things!

Edited by Jabsie

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12 hours ago, ShrinkMe said:

I don't understand why people get bent out of shape by anyone taking the "easy way out". Even if it WERE the easy way, why do others find it more virtuous to do things the hard way? If it were more virtuous to do things the hard way, why aren't these judgemental people walking to work, cooking on a campfire, hunting their food and clothing, making their tools from stones, bones and sticks? Apparently easy is ok for anyone but those who need to lose weight. I haven't had my surgery yet (June 7) but I am already aware that this is going to take just as much work as those who do it without surgery....in otherwords, NOT easy, but IF it were why would anyone say no "No, I must do it the hard way"? It boggles the mind!  This is my main reason for keeping this to a very tiny (3 people) group of people I trust. NO ONE else has any need to know!!

T

I LIKE YOUR THINKING! VERY WELL STATED!

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19 hours ago, ShrinkMe said:

I don't understand why people get bent out of shape by anyone taking the "easy way out". Even if it WERE the easy way, why do others find it more virtuous to do things the hard way? If it were more virtuous to do things the hard way, why aren't these judgemental people walking to work, cooking on a campfire, hunting their food and clothing, making their tools from stones, bones and sticks? Apparently easy is ok for anyone but those who need to lose weight. I haven't had my surgery yet (June 7) but I am already aware that this is going to take just as much work as those who do it without surgery....in otherwords, NOT easy, but IF it were why would anyone say no "No, I must do it the hard way"? It boggles the mind!  This is my main reason for keeping this to a very tiny (3 people) group of people I trust. NO ONE else has any need to know!!

T

I am giving you a standing ovation for this!  I will be quoting you if anyone ever says the easy way out comments to me about WLS.  Too bad you can't collect royalties :D

Smallbites2015, ShrinkMe and WendyH like this

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On Saturday, April 09, 2016 at 4:40 PM, garnet dreams said:

I am giving you a standing ovation for this!  I will be quoting you if anyone ever says the easy way out comments to me about WLS.  Too bad you can't collect royalties :D

 

ShrinkMe likes this

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Thank you so much for the feedback! Even without the royalties I'm happy to accept the standing ovation. :)

 

Readytotransform likes this

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On April 9, 2016 at 8:46 PM, ShrinkMe said:

I don't understand why people get bent out of shape by anyone taking the "easy way out". Even if it WERE the easy way, why do others find it more virtuous to do things the hard way? If it were more virtuous to do things the hard way, why aren't these judgemental people walking to work, cooking on a campfire, hunting their food and clothing, making their tools from stones, bones and sticks? Apparently easy is ok for anyone but those who need to lose weight. I haven't had my surgery yet (June 7) but I am already aware that this is going to take just as much work as those who do it without surgery....in otherwords, NOT easy, but IF it were why would anyone say no "No, I must do it the hard way"? It boggles the mind!  This is my main reason for keeping this to a very tiny (3 people) group of people I trust. NO ONE else has any need to know!!

T

I re-read your post to keep your wisdom top of mind! Thank you for helping me to look at this another way!!!

Edited by My Bariatric Life
Res Ipsa and ShrinkMe like this

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OK so I had a clueless person say something to me recently and I totally thought of this thread! We were at a spiritual retreat and serving ourselves at the buffet -- me just taking the salad (BTW) and she asked, "You could not lose the weight on your own?" I yelled out, "HELL NO!" And that was the end of the conversation. 

#%&#036;? Do you think I permanently rerouted the anatomy of my body for any other reason??? 

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14 hours ago, My Bariatric Life said:

OK so I had a clueless person say something to me recently and I totally thought of this thread! We were at a spiritual retreat and serving ourselves at the buffet -- me just taking the salad (BTW) and she asked, "You could not lose the weight on your own?" I yelled out, "HELL NO!" And that was the end of the conversation. 

#%&#036;? Do you think I permanently rerouted the anatomy of my body for any other reason??? 

YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!! Why would anyone reroute their anatomy if they hadn't already tried EVERY. SINGLE. THING. under the sun to lose weight?!!! I'm sure there are a few people who get surgery without much thought to what is going to be done to their insides, but I'm also sure MOST of us past the age of 18 (way past for me) have thought and rethought and rethought again before making such a drastic change. If we could have lost weight on our own, we would have. If it were that simple there would be NO fat people in the world!!

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On May 6, 2016 at 10:44 PM, My Bariatric Life said:

OK so I had a clueless person say something to me recently and I totally thought of this thread! We were at a spiritual retreat and serving ourselves at the buffet -- me just taking the salad (BTW) and she asked, "You could not lose the weight on your own?" I yelled out, "HELL NO!" And that was the end of the conversation. 

#%&#036;? Do you think I permanently rerouted the anatomy of my body for any other reason??? 

U go girl see that's what I'm not yet prepared for because this is serious business not just something u did because u were bored 

LeeC and My Bariatric Life like this

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15 hours ago, Readytotransform said:

U go girl see that's what I'm not yet prepared for because this is serious business not just something u did because u were bored 

Have you perhaps considered gastric band if this is the way that you feel?

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On February 1, 2016 at 4:58 PM, Spunkycat said:

Aubrey 

if you do not want to be the subject of gossip, keep your surgery to yourself. Once you ring a bell, you cannot unring it.

Amen!  Keep the circle small....tell the truth, hard work, food plan that is forever and as much exercise as I find beneficial.  Really, it is about what you put in you mouth.  

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