Tegan

hello everyone, I haven't been here in forever

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Hey everyone, So i'm pretty sure my family has struggled with depression for generations, but I"m finding myself falling into the trap of "conventionally attractive human, you don't deserve to be sad" I always totally thought once I lost the weight my life would be perfect. I went from 312 to 155 and my brain is still super upset about my life. Is anyone out there able to explain to me how this will get better? We're supposed to be happy now right?

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It's good to see you back Tegan although I'm sorry it's under these circumstances.

 

Do you think it would be worth talking with your PCP about therapy?

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One thing I've learned in the last 20 years of on again, off again anti-depressants is that my physical appearance is not nearly as related to my mental state as I thought.

 

I've been happy fat, I've been depressed fat.

I've been happy skinny, I've been depressed skinny.

 

Currently I've accepted that in order to fully function I must remain on my anti-depressant.  I was hoping that after surgery when I didn't take it for the first month that I would be ok... I was shocked to have been able to manage that long.  But now I'm almost 6 weeks out, down 30 lbs, and I'm finding that the rage issues, emotional detachment, and lack of interest is resurfacing.  I'm physically changing, but my surrounding environment is not.  I still work in the same office, live in the same household as my parents, I'm still a single mom of 2, and I'm still excruciatingly lonely. 

 

I have a state job with good benefits and a flexible schedule... love my job, dislike most of my co-workers.  Dealing with welfare clients and inept upper management all in the same day can be beyond frustrating.

 

Living in the same house as my parents still has more benefits with regards to childcare, kid taxi service, cooking, etc than it does drawbacks.  It doesn't mitigate the power struggle between my mom and I and I hate coming home from work and having to listen to a litany of complaints about my teenager and how I'm parenting all wrong.  I don't like coming home from work and being saddled with 2 extra kids under 10 (my niece and nephew who are both ADHD) without warning.  To cope, I let my teenager get a summer job and my daughter is in dance 3 nights per week so we can get away from the house.

 

I haven't dated in 7 years and I don't see that changing right away... with a 15 yr old and a 6 yr old I stay pretty busy.

 

It's all a balancing act... and my Zoloft keeps me from tipping too far over the edge.  :-)

 

I would definitely recommend talking to a Dr or therapist about different options.

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Hey everyone, So sorry I've been MIA for so long. My newest update is that I'm 160 lbs, was lucky enough to have SO MUCH skin removal surgery, am now on prozac and drinking wayyy too much wine. I feel so guilty and awful because I know I look more amazing than I ever could have hoped, but I still hate my life. I turn down every date cause it seems scary and I just want to stay home with my dog. I'm so upset because I thought being fat was my problem, but I really think I just don't like being alive

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Tegan, you must talk with your PCP - you need help.  Please don't let this carry on.

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Definitely talk to your doc... Prozac might not be the right med, the dosage might be off, or you might need an additional med.

I took prozac for migraines as a teen, stopped, then started again in my mid-20s. The second time around it didn't quite have the same effect.

3 yrs ago I was prescribed celexa which was great until I had a fainting episode and an irregular ekg. I was switched to Zoloft a year ago and finally got the correct dosage 6 mo ago.

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Hey everyone, So sorry I've been MIA for so long. My newest update is that I'm 160 lbs, was lucky enough to have SO MUCH skin removal surgery, am now on prozac and drinking wayyy too much wine. I feel so guilty and awful because I know I look more amazing than I ever could have hoped, but I still hate my life. I turn down every date cause it seems scary and I just want to stay home with my dog. I'm so upset because I thought being fat was my problem, but I really think I just don't like being alive

Please see someone ASAP.

 

I'm not trying to be dramatic, but your last statement is extremely concerning. I hope it gets better soon.

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Hey everyone, So sorry I've been MIA for so long. My newest update is that I'm 160 lbs, was lucky enough to have SO MUCH skin removal surgery, am now on prozac and drinking wayyy too much wine. I feel so guilty and awful because I know I look more amazing than I ever could have hoped, but I still hate my life. I turn down every date cause it seems scary and I just want to stay home with my dog. I'm so upset because I thought being fat was my problem, but I really think I just don't like being alive

 

Please seek help right away.   If you see a psychiatrist call and tell them its an emergency - otherwise make the call to your pcp.   The prozac isn't doing it's job...you may need a higher dose or a new medication.   Just understand that you CAN be helped, and you can start to feel normal again.   I'm very sorry you are going through this, but reach out for support here if you need to.  We are all pulling for you. 

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Hi Teagan,

You may not even need to go through your PCP to get help.  Lots of folks have a number for their therapy providers on the back of their insurance card.  It's worth giving that number a call.  Also know that sometimes antidepressants can cause the feelings you're having.  It's really, really important to talk to the prescriber (whoever it was- primary doctor, psychiatrist, nurse practitioner...) to let them know how you're feeling.  Antidepressants are like blue jeans.  You sometimes have to try on a bunch before you get the right fit.  The right medication is out there for you! Don't give up on us! Please call your prescriber and also the number to mental health services on the back of your insurance card.  If you're really feeling bad and actually feel like hurting yourself, there's a lifeline you can call: 1-800-273-8255.  You can also go to your nearest emergency room and tell them what you're feeling.  They can also help.  

We're here for you!!!!

xo

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Therapy...and if you cant afford it, books!  We can self teach, there are great books out there.  Good luck, it's so hard to find happiness.  For me, I started to be sad that people thought I looked soooo great skinny it made me feel I must have been hideous before!!  I know this isnt true, but it took that a long time to sink in.

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hi everyone, thank you so much for all your replies. I actually forgot I even posted this and I'm in tears realizing how long I've been depressed. I have an appointment with a doctor on Dec 17th and I'm hoping for new meds and therapy. I've been drinking more than anyone should and last weekend my family and friends surprised me with an intervention because they all see me making horrible choices. I was so embarrassed and uncomfortable but I know they love me and I agree with their concerns. It seems like after my vertical sleeve it's so easy to drink and end up blacking out before I realize what is even happening. And I still feel so unhappy even though I have this whole new chance at life. I know I need to cut back on the drinking (and I have been, for two days) but I still feel so guilty for being small and not being happy. 

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Hugs! I just want to suggest, gently, that instead of cutting back on the drinking you just cut it out. Just like we were not capable before surgery of cutting back on say, cookies or whatever , you probably aren't going to do well cutting back on alcohol. And unlike food, you don't need alcohol. At all. And not only is it a dangerous thing to be blacking out, but it's also stripping your body of the nutrients you need. Vitmain deficiencies are very common in alcoholics, add in your weight loss surgery and you are playing a dangerous game with your body. Just cut it out entirely for now, maybe until th new year at least? Plus, alcohol is a depressant, so it's actively making your depression worse. Just give it up for now, okay? 

And can you get to an AA meeting this week? Maybe you don't identify as an alcoholic, but there would be people there who get the urge to drink away depression, and will get how you are feeling. 

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Also, why do you feel guilty for not being happy while small? Did you think every thin person on the planet was happy all the time? Heck, flip through a tabloid magazine sometime...plenty of stick thin actresses and models living miserable lives. Being thin doesn't fix your life, it just fixes your body. And before you could self medicate your depression with food. Now you are trying alcohol. Neither is a real fix, but you know that. But you will figure this out. You are strong. Dump the alcohol, get it out of your house, avoid social situations with alcohol for a bit. If you have family gatherings where people will be drinking just say that your doctor wants you to avoid alcohol or something. You can do it. 

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hi everyone, thank you so much for all your replies. I actually forgot I even posted this and I'm in tears realizing how long I've been depressed. I have an appointment with a doctor on Dec 17th and I'm hoping for new meds and therapy. ... I still feel so unhappy even though I have this whole new chance at life.

I'm so glad you have an appointment to see your doctor on the 17th. You've  probably been depressed much, much longer than the past several months. In your original post, you commented that you anticipated that WLS would make your life better, which it hasn't. You also mentioned that your family has likely struggled with depression for generations.

You've been self medicating for years, first with food, and once the ability to do that was taken away, you moved to alcohol. But it's all the same misguided, self-destructive coping. You're seeking to fill a void that you simply can't fill on your own.

Depression is often a family affair. Just like some families have more problems with blood sugar and some have higher cholesterol, some families have a serotonin or other brain chemical imbalance. Look at the Hemmingways. Ernest Hemingway killed himself, as did his father, as did his granddaughter.

It's not your fault, but it's up to you to manage it, and it CAN be managed. Life can be so much better, and I'm thrilled that you're seeing the doctor about it soon.

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thank you so much for your response. I think you're totally right as I know my grandma was very depressed and I see it in my mom. I want to get better, but I mostly wish my parents had stopped at 2 kids so I wouldn't have to bother with any of this

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I'm sorry you are going thru this. I know exactly what you are feeliing. Lucky there is real help available. I'm glad you are taking it seriously and are willing to switch meds.

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Tegan

genetics can play a big part in having the illness of depression.

Depression runs in my family. My mother committed suicide at age 47, my half sister and half brother committed suicide in their 20's ( we all share the same mother). There are 4 of us left, all suffering from depression.

it is important in your recovery to not beat yourself up about what you did or didn't do. You can wipe the slate clean, find the right antidepressants and therapist and lead a happier life.

best wishes on your new journey.

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Thanks everyone, I met with a nurse practitioner today and she is setting me up with alcohol management/ recovery resources for the meantime before I see my PCP who can hopefully change my meds. I'm still drinking, but drinking less and feeling somewhat hopeful. Thanks again everybody

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Tegan, Welcome back. I have missed you. I am so sorry you are struggling! We are here for you. Big HUGS!

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Tegan,

How is it going?  We are a community and are here to help and support you. 

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