GAviv

Deep thoughts...

801 posts in this topic

...well, not really. Maybe.

 

I'm struggling emotionally lately, which impacts so many areas of my life. My eating is still totally in control, but I'm definitely drinking too much. My husband had a long talk with me about it this weekend, because he is worried. Truth be told, I am too. I have this general feeling of unease, and feel like everything could easily spin out of control, which of course freaks me out. 

 

I started the 5-day pouch test yesterday, because it is a way of helping me feel more in control. I can't explain it. I am going to try to do only liquids for the entire work week though, and maybe introduce soft foods starting on Friday. Like another frustrated poster, I actually gained weight on my first day. GAINED. I had a grand total of 325 calories yesterday. I know my body really well, and I feel like something isn't right but don't know what. I am also getting my monthly cycle for the first time in 2 years s maybe that is part of it. I don't know. 

 

I'm rambling, but really have nowhere else to put all of this, and all of you have always been so open with your highs and lows. I'm in a funk.

 

But this morning, I was listening to this song on my playlist that I have listened to at least 100 times, but it really hit home this morning. The lyrics are so true and so applicable to everything. Not sure if it's well known, but it's one of my favorites. Read the lyrics, but LISTEN if you have the ability.  

 

 

Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen

 

https://youtu.be/sTJ7AzBIJoI

 

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99
Wear sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it
The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists
Whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
Than my own meandering experience, I will dispense this advice now

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh, never mind
You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth
Until they've faded but trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back
At photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now
How much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked
You are not as fat as you imagine

Don't worry about the future
Or know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind
The kind that blindsides you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday
Do one thing every day that scares you

*Sing Chorus*

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind
The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself
Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults, if you succeed in doing this, tell me how
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't
Get plenty of calcium
Be kind to your knees
You'll miss them when they're gone

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't
Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't
Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the 'Funky Chicken'
On your 75th wedding anniversary
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much
Or berate yourself either
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can
Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it
It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your own living room
Read the directions even if you don't follow them
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly

*Sing Chorus*

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good
Be nice to your siblings, they're your best link to your past
And the people most likely to stick with you in the future

Understand that friends come and go
But a precious few, who should hold on

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle
For as the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young
Live in New York City once but leave before it makes you hard
Live in northern California once but leave before it makes you soft

Travel

Accept certain inalienable truths
Prices will rise, politicians will philander, you, too, will get old
And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young
Prices were reasonable, politicians were noble
And children respected their elders

Respect your elders

Don't expect anyone else to support you
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse
But you never know when either one might run out

Don't mess too much with your hair
Or by the time you're 40 it will look 85

Be careful whose advice you buy but be patient with those who supply it
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past
From the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts
And recycling it for more than it's worth

But trust me on the sunscreen

Rich3909, Winzi, pinkswing and 7 others like this

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ooh, girl. this came at a good time.

 

i am right there with you. RIGHT THERE. and although my eating hasn't been in tip-top shape, the drinking... oh, the drinking.

 

i just emailed my bandmembers and told them i'm no longer drinking, and to stop me if i attempt to do so around them. i had a terrible weekend in baltimore when it came to that. also, i lost my wallet in atlantic city. so i had a very harsh wake-up call.

 

i've also found out the hard way that you absolutely CANNOT work out a bad diet. the weekends are what kill me. i'm great during the week, but saturday/sunday... i have to stop being so lenient.

 

good on you for doing the 5-day pouch test. after my free trial with crossfit is up this week, i'm going to do it next week and stop working out since i won't be taking in enough calories to justify it. the dreaded carb monster has been on my back, and i know for a fact that's the reason i've been stalling (although the scale did move this week, thank goodness).

you've always been so great at pushing all the rest of us. thanks for sharing that you have your moments, too.

 

you always told me that "YOU are the one who's in control". welp. same goes for you, ma'am.

PM me if you want to vent further. i'm always here.

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Hey Greer! You have been such an inspiration to so many of us! These highs and lows truly suck!

Glad you have your husband in your corner watching out for you!

We all go through funks and I am only a little more than 6+ months out and am already getting to know that fear of out of control...it stinks and rears its ugly head at the worst of times! My obsession is constant weighing to ensure I don't gain. Sort of like switched one obsessions for another

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I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this Greer.  Please know that I am rooting for you and you and your family are in my prayers. If there is ever anything I can do please let me know.

 

When I look at my undesirable behaviors that are increasing and I want to keep under control I always ask myself what is driving the behavior, essentially what is driving me to over due the undesirable behavior.  Not much help I know, but this process has helped me in the past.

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you know, life just sometimes sucks and you are never as much in control as you want to be.  for a control freak feeling out of control is the worst possible thing.  getting your period after two years . . . that alone would be enough to make me crazy.  if you are really worried about drinking too much check out AA.  I went for years thinking that I was a fraud because I never did drink much and could stop after one or two.  but I come from a long line of drunks and after not having a drink since super bowl sunday 1981, I realize that if I were to start drinking now it would be a problem.  I wasn't really a fraud.  I just didn't know it. 

 

it's kind of funny but drinking and being in control are pretty contradictory.  but being drunk is a great excuse for a control freak to be out of control.  the reality is you can't control everything in your life.  but feeling out of control makes you crazy.  so what the hay!  have a drink.  loosen up.  but it is a very slippery slope.  the saying in AA is if you think it might be a problem, it is. 

 

as I've said before, I am a great fan of therapy.  my job has always been to take care of everyone else in my life, starting with my mother.  a therapist is someone I don't have to take care of.  I don't have to be careful of what I say.  I don't have to think before I speak.  I can actually relax for a minute.  it's also a place where I can look at the hard stuff in my life and try to make sense of my behavior.  especially when it make no sense at all. 

 

I know I'm kind of rambling.  I hope you found something helpful in the above. 

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I appreciate all of the thoughts and advice. Lots to think about. 

lilrosie and Julie_T like this

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ooh, girl. this came at a good time.

 

i am right there with you. RIGHT THERE. and although my eating hasn't been in tip-top shape, the drinking... oh, the drinking.

 

i just emailed my bandmembers and told them i'm no longer drinking, and to stop me if i attempt to do so around them. i had a terrible weekend in baltimore when it came to that. also, i lost my wallet in atlantic city. so i had a very harsh wake-up call.

 

i've also found out the hard way that you absolutely CANNOT work out a bad diet. the weekends are what kill me. i'm great during the week, but saturday/sunday... i have to stop being so lenient.

 

good on you for doing the 5-day pouch test. after my free trial with crossfit is up this week, i'm going to do it next week and stop working out since i won't be taking in enough calories to justify it. the dreaded carb monster has been on my back, and i know for a fact that's the reason i've been stalling (although the scale did move this week, thank goodness).

you've always been so great at pushing all the rest of us. thanks for sharing that you have your moments, too.

 

you always told me that "YOU are the one who's in control". welp. same goes for you, ma'am.

PM me if you want to vent further. i'm always here.

Thanks, Meredith. We can support each other.

 

Trust me, I don't tell anyone here anything I wouldn't tell myself. In fact, I think you all get off kind of easy :)

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Sorry to hear you are struggling with this. I know you'll work it out - whichever path you decide to take. You are in my thoughts. Maybe you can put on your tennies and take the family for a walk at the time you'd normally enjoy your wine - substitute an activity that would be good for the whole family (pups too!)

Edited by cherylm321

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It's good that you can own it, there's the 1st step right there.

Thank you for being open and honest. I am pulling for you.

lilrosie, GAviv, saguaro68 and 3 others like this

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I'm sorry you're having a hard time.  I bet that period, after not having one for 2 years, is messing with your hormones big time.

 

I can relate to the too much drinking too.  I was out of control with that for a long time.  12 1/2 years ago I quit cold turkey and haven't had a sip since.  My life is much better for it.  I'm just not one that can drink casually.

 

So glad your eating is still on point.  Sorry about the gain on the first day of liquids...but I bet you will start seeing losses soon.  My birthday weekend found me indulging in a few bites of desert....but I just have to pick myself up, not beat myself up over it and move on back to what I know I need to do.

 

I'm also hear if you ever need an ear.

GAviv, saguaro68, Clickin and 1 other like this

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Sorry to hear you are going through this right now. I wish I had some advice or words of wisdom for you, I dont. I can offer support though and I feel that you are a driven, succesful person that will find her way. I can tell you that I have been making a habit of drinking on the weekends. I am Irish, like to drink and be social. I justify, by drinking Vodka with Crystal light. Those of you that are friends of mine on Facebook can see the weekend pictures of me having fun and raising cain, to the point that comments weremade by coworkers about me getting drunk every weekend. This is not about me, just want you to know that you are not alone, and I know that you will get yourself on track Greer!

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Again, thanks. I read and take all of your comments to heart. This is my home away from home, so to speak.

 

I just want to clarify a bit, I don't think my drinking has become a "problem" but I think I use it as an excuse to escape a lot of stress I am dealing with. That sounds lame, even to me, but I know I have it under control and really appreciated my husband's concern, even if it was a heated conversation initially. I have been using it as a crutch lately. It's been a really bad 18 months emotionally, with a lot of family stuff. I'm trying to move past, but having a hard time letting go of being hurt.

 

I WILL be ok, just need to work through this funk. I don't like how I look or feel lately, but I think that's more mental than anything else. If the liquids don't have any result, I am going to consult my surgeon. The way my body is behaving is very similar to the lead up to the last surgery, which scares me a bit. I am very in tune with myself. God, that sounds cliche.

 

And yes, getting my period could also be throwing me off, though I think that's minor. And I misspoke, this will be my second consecutive cycle in 2 years as I had my IUD removed two months ago. Oy.

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oh, for sure. i don't think that you have a huge issue, i don't think you're borderline alcoholic or anything of the sort. but - the good thing is that you recognize the emotional drinking, and that it's time to reel it in. pot calling the kettle black, i know. it CAN become an issue if you don't do anything about it. but obviously, you know that.

 

also a good idea to consult with your surgeon. i also like cheryl's idea of going for a walk, or trying to do something else to distract your mind from a drink. write in a journal about what's going on. play with the kids. something than that wine.

 

i'm sorry you haven't been feeling good about yourself recently. if it's all the same, i think you're gorgeous. just my 2 cents.

saguaro68, duffman27, GAviv and 3 others like this

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I didn't mean to incinuate that you had a drinking problem, I was just saying for me, personally, it was a way to numb out to personal problems and was WAY out of control.  I'm better off without because I don't have that switch that says when to stop ;) 

 

You look great though!

 

I need to have my IUD taken out and replaced...get this, I've had it for over a year, maybe almost 2 years.  Anyway, I have my period EVERY SINGLE EFFIN month!  Not just a little spotting here and there either, full blown!  WTH???  THey told me it isn't placed properly and hopefully having it redone will save me from this monthly thing.

saguaro68 and GAviv like this

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Hello Greer, I have noticed ( way later) that when I get like you describe. It is just about when something is about to change. We sense the shifting or transition and we or rather I feel I need to do something. Anything!!! In your case it is drinking, mine is mindless shopping. But I think it is a time to pull up a chair and see the opening credits of the next chapter of my life.

Your post helped me too. I am having a tummy tuck tomorrow! And so freaked, I calmed myself by going to ROSS. Stupid stupid stupid. Funny what happens when food is no longer an option as a coping strategy.

I am having a change right now too. I think I am going into it kicking and bitching. But here I go !!!!

shar8676, GAviv, lilrosie and 1 other like this

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I think you're beautiful, amazing and have done an outstanding job!  I hope you can find peace in whatever is going on in your life sweetie!

saguaro68, lilrosie, Lindy and 1 other like this

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I've said this to a lot of pre-op people, and thanks for giving me the opportunity to say it to you ... be kind to yourself. You are one tough lady, Greer. It takes courage to post the things you post (always), but it's something different to open yourself up and be vulnerable like you just did. I have no doubt that you will find your way, I trust you and I know that your life is in good hands. If I can do anything, you know I'm always here :)

saguaro68, WendyH, lilrosie and 3 others like this

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It's amazing to have you all in my life. I am truly lucky.

 

Keli - I know you didn't mean anything by it, and your story was very important for me to read. I had my IUD placed 3 months after RNY and never had a period until it was just removed. Best thing ever. I am not replacing mine, which is also probably another source of anxiety, and goes to what Karen so rightly pointed out.  There could be a big change in my life, if I get pregnant again (intended) and that that is both frightening and scary. At the same time, I am scared about what if I don't get pregnant again, this is my last chance. Lots rolling around my little head. Unfortunately, wine distracts me from that sometimes.

 

Karen - if I shopped anymore than I do now, someone would have to lock me up and throw away the key. 

 

Gayle - thanks ♥

 

Sleeve - that means so much, especially coming from such a strong woman like you!!

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<3

GAviv likes this

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Just know that I'm thinking of you Greer.

 

I've never walked in your shoes but knowing what I do about you, you will get through this and come out the other side a stronger person.

Lennie likes this

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yup.  sounds like change is in the wind.  I have a hard time with change.  no matter it's something that is good for me.  no matter it is something I chose.  CHANGE!  OMG!  I go into change kicking and screaming the whole way pretty much every time. 

 

I imagine your hormones are having a field day with your emotions.  I remember when I decided to have a child.  I had been tracking my temperature for, like, three years.  I knew to the minute when I ovulated.  we were using artificial insemination.  we decided in January to try.  it didn't take.  my cycle went crazy and I couldn't tell for the next three months when I was ovulating.  we tried again in april and voila the most beautiful Christmas present ever.  the point is your head may decide something but your body ultimately makes it's own decision.  I wasn't really ready to be pregnant in January but I was really ready in april. 

 

deciding to try for another child is enough to throw anyone into a tizzy.  that on top of the last year and a half you have had would knock a lesser person out for the count.  you are an amazingly strong person.  I have no doubt you will come through this with all your strength intact. 

lilrosie, GAviv, 2bubbly and 3 others like this

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I don't have a lot of insight to offer... except that I get it. My emotions have been all over the place lately, too. Sometimes I feel like a hot mess, others I feel great. Who knows.... 

 

Anyway, more than anything I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. Lots of hugs lady!!

GAviv likes this

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Thinking of you Greer.  You are aware of what is going on and as they say that is the first step.  It sounds like you are feeling conflicted about some things in your life and there are big decisions to be made.  Be kind and patient with yourself during these times.  Even positive change can be uncomfortable.  Thanks for sharing so openly.  I hope it helps to know that we are all connected.  I also know your post just helped someone else including me.  

Lindy, PapaG and GAviv like this

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It's very heartwarming to read everyone's comments. Thank you all so much.

My head is back in the game. I'm focused and determined. That's good news.

However, I think I'm pregnant. Which is also a good thing, but I'm freaking out because I took two tests and one came positive, the other negative. Freaking weird. I'm trying not to get excited so as to avoid disappointment, but it's hard after seeing a positive. I have an appointment for a physical on Tuesday, completely unrelated to this development. I'm sure I will take a number of tests between now and then. :)

I really want to buckle down and have the healthiest pregnancy if we are lucky enough to be pregnant. We had decided we wouldn't tell anyone til 3 months, but I figure my secret (and confusion and anxiety) is safe here.

If we could bottle this, we'd be rich. My husband barely has to look at me and I get pregnant. Every time.

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Greer, 

 

I've admired your determination and insight and perserverence since I first found this board ten months ago.  I will be interested to watch your progress with the "healthiest pregnancy" possible because I am sure YOU can make that happen.  I'm hoping your positive test was the right one.  If not, then you get to keep trying…. I would think that's a win-win.  

:D

Julie_T and GAviv like this

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