Emo Pickle over ettiquette - ThinnerTimes

Ruca · 07-14-2008, 09:28 PM

Ok no matter how I say this its going to sound like its about "the gift" and that I am "bitter" about "the lack of a gift"

Its not that. I am bitter yes, and hate the way I feel because I am not a materialistic person but I find myself having mixed feelings about this situation.

One of my very best friends who also happens to be engaged to DH's very best friend has mentioned on several occasions the lack of a gift for the baby, baby shower etc.

I graciously stated several times that their friendship and attendance @ Brandon's shower WAS the gift and not to worry about material things. I thought that was the end of it.

Two weeks ago the DH bestie mentioned to the DH that they realized that they "forgot" to get a baby gift. DH stated it was no big deal as the we are blessed by everything received especially such a wonderful baby.

So the DH BFF said that they were thinking since we got everything we needed for the baby they would pay for our room next time we go on vacation w/ them. (which has traditionally happened w/out a BABY and we are not in a position to take a trip any time in the future....)

DH was gracious and said thx man, not necessary.

FF to my birthday. Again, its NOT ABOUT THE GIFT. We had a small bbq with 4-5 friends since I didnt want to do anything bug w/ the baby. Couple people brought gifts which was not necessary but appreciated.

Driving the BFF and the DH BFF home after the BBQ since there was alcohol involved she pointed out to me that she again forgot to buy a gift and asked me outright what I wanted. That made me supremely uncomfortable.

I stated that her friendship and company was more than enough and a gift was unnecessary.

So the issue is this.

1) This friend is very financially capable and stable.
2) Their wedding is coming up and DH and I are both in the bridal party. This is a $300-500 investment as a couple. (Thats OK...thats what friends do.)

3) Do I get a gift? If yes which is appropriate?

Engagement party not appropriate per etiquette guides
Bridal shower?
Actual "wedding gift"

Even though we aren't in a financial position to spend extra money I would not usually question myself and would buy an appropriate but moderate gift for each occasion.

Although, we have never failed to purchase a gift for either of them in addition to hosting parties *for them* @ our personal expense I truly find myself on the fence about this one.

What would you do?

Oy Vey!!

Edit: Ok in all fairness my feelings are kinda hurt. I am not upset that they didn't buy gifts. I believe what is upsetting me is that they keep pointing it out. Let it go... cept now Im annoyed and dont know how.

Josephine · 07-15-2008, 03:24 AM

It is proper to always bring a gift, big or small, to someone who's having a birthday, baby, christmas etc if you are spending time with them. You should buy a gift no matter what. I have a friend who is just the same. She's truly my BFF since we were 5 years old. Every year, I get the kids gifts, and I get them gifts for their birthdays and christmas, etc. The gesture is never returned.

It doesn't mean she doesn't love me and it doesn't mean that they don't love you. It just means that they don't realize what a giant faux pas they're committing. Don't commit the same one out of principal sweetie. Get the gift. If it makes them feel bad, they'll not forget your gift next time. If they still 'forget', it reflects on them, not you.

Don't go out of your way tho. A bottle of wine, a book, some flowers etc are a nice enough gesture since you don't have much money to spare.

kellyMASS · 07-15-2008, 04:17 AM

I went through this exact same thing with my brother in law and his wife. They would not buy gifts, and when we would go somewhere we always get stuck paying. We chose not to give them a wedding gift because it cost us a ton of money as it was with the travel tux rental ect.... They are much more careful to pay their fair share now. However we do still buy for their daughter for every occasion because its not her fault her parents are cheap.if Its really up to you but that's what we did.

SueRN · 07-15-2008, 05:21 AM

Don't worry about what others do....you have no control over that. Do what you normally would do. IF it's normal for you to buy gifts and that's what you WANT to do...than do it. It wouldn't go overboard for people that don't reciprocate but I don't let theirlack of social graces affect mine. Next time they ask what to get you, give them an answer...like you could buy us some diapers...or whatever. They may just really be bad at ideas and have put off buying something because they don't know what to get and it gets put off again and again. It may not be that they don't want to get you something but some people are just bad gift buyers, some people are lazy, some people are cheap. I would probably get them something small and inexpensive but nice. You are after all going to have a big expense with both of you being in the wedding. Sue

THIN4TWINS · 07-15-2008, 09:14 AM

I agree with Sue. It's the proper thing to get a gift for the wedding couple - I usually do a shower gift. But since you've already spent or will spend so much I wouldn't do an expensive gift. Perhaps something small off their registry or do something way cheap but personal like a shadowbox or frame with some of your favorite pics of you and your family with the couple. A gift like that always means alot to me and it would be a great addition if they are decorating a new home together. Hope this helps!

A~

Jeanie · 07-15-2008, 09:26 AM

I wouldn't buy a shower gift you didn't get one for your baby shower so that's a trade IMHO. As far as the wedding well you have up to a year (that's etiquette) to get something, so if you can't afford it now get a little something later. I wouldn't spend a TON of money but a little something, just so that you know you are the better person. I think in the long run if you don't get them something you will feel guilty about it.