Repeating a grade---advice needed - ThinnerTimes

Eseret · 06-17-2008, 01:12 AM

As some of you may or may not know, my 10-year old granddaughter is now living with me. We moved her here from Utah in April and started her in school.

A little background....Krystal's step-mom and Dad are divorcing. My daughter and Krystal's Dad divorced when Krystal was two. She lived with her other grandma until she was 4 and her Dad married the step-mom. Originally, she attended school here in CA, but moved to Utah in the middle of the 2nd grade. Another move mid 3rd grade to yet another school. She would make friends both at school and in her neighborhood and then they'd move. Plus it seems neither the Dad or step-mom had time or would spend much time helping Krystal with school work.

Now.....Utah schools (no offense to folks from Utah) are a full year behind CA academically. What Krystal learned in 4th grade in Utah is what the 3rd graders learn here. She is way behind and my DH and I are trying to provide her with as much help as we can. She is required to attend summer school and we have her enrolled at Kumon. http://www.kumon.com A meeting was set up at school and we all agreed she would fail miserably if she continued to the 5th grade. Therefore, she'll repeat the 4th grade in the fall.

We haven't told her this yet. We plan on telling her next weekend. We have talked to her and reassured her that none of this was her fault...different states and school districts have different educational standards. The first couple of weeks of school here was very frustrating and emotional for her. She felt stupid and alone....now she's made friends and feels more secure. Plus we know for sure she will continue to live with my DH and I for the next 2 years or more (we hope!)

I've worked in education for nearly 23 years and I've never had to tell a child that he or she would have to repeat a grade. All I can think of to say to her is that it's not her fault....5th grade would be too hard...

I need some feedback from other educators on the forum as well as anyone who has experience with this or just an opinion or advice.

I love Krystal to pieces and I want her to be assured we're behind her in every way.

Thanks for reading this and any responses.

Teri

TheJOE · 06-17-2008, 01:34 AM

I am not an educator but was curious if you had concidered the option of catching her up with what she needs to learn between now and 5th grade start (during summer break) and if that would be enough so that she does not have to repeat the grade?

I have not personally repeated a grade but have moved quite a bit and know how hard it is to lose your friends.

Good luck with this tough decision.

mommyandmatt · 06-17-2008, 01:54 AM

we as military move all the time it is a tough trasition for any child my oldest child hads been to 16 diffrent schools and has always asjusted well. I do have a friend that retained her son it was the best thing she could have done for him. after talking to teachers and counslors they came to theat decision that it was best for him. was he happy apout it NO not at first but as the year progressed he was on target for his level and excelled where if he was in the higher grade her would have failed. IMO be honest with her and let her know you are there for her no matter what.

Have faith everthing always works out in the end.

MichelleND · 06-17-2008, 08:52 AM

We adopted our daughter in the middle of her first grade year. We struggled with the same decision that you are now. We chose to have her repeat the grade. I would say that it will totally matter what she thinks, as to how well it goes. On the positive side she is young for her current class now.

Another thought is could you have her tested to see if she would qualify for special services at school and would be able to stay in her current grade, but get extra help at school. From what I have heard is that they really do not like to retain kids that are that old. My prayers are with you.

Eseret · 06-17-2008, 09:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheJOE

I am not an educator but was curious if you had concidered the option of catching her up with what she needs to learn between now and 5th grade start (during summer break) and if that would be enough so that she does not have to repeat the grade?

I have not personally repeated a grade but have moved quite a bit and know how hard it is to lose your friends.

Good luck with this tough decision.

Thanks for your response. Unfortunately, Krystal can't catch up in 2 months. There's just too much for her to learn and hopefully she'll catch up a little with summer school and Kumon.

The other problems we have.... trying to undo years of bad study habits, lack of self confidence, emotional insecurities (from shattered relationships parents/friends) This is a child that while living in Utah was not motivated to do her best and instead given a tv in her room and free reign to watch it instead of doing school work.

We are slowly making progress by constantly working with her to help rebuild the bad years. Yes, she'll make it. It's just heart-breaking to see your only (and will be the only one ever) grandchild have to go through all the emotional trauma and educational setbacks.

Teri

Eseret · 06-17-2008, 09:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommyandmatt

we as military move all the time it is a tough trasition for any child my oldest child hads been to 16 diffrent schools and has always asjusted well. I do have a friend that retained her son it was the best thing she could have done for him. after talking to teachers and counslors they came to theat decision that it was best for him. was he happy apout it NO not at first but as the year progressed he was on target for his level and excelled where if he was in the higher grade her would have failed. IMO be honest with her and let her know you are there for her no matter what.

Have faith everthing always works out in the end.

Thank you Kathy for your response. Yes, prayers are always being sent upwards...raising a 10-year old at my age has it's challenges, but I wouldn't have it any other way!

Teri

I_love_Hello Kitty · 06-17-2008, 09:12 AM

Teri,
I think the best thing you can do is go ahead and put her in 4th grade.

The initial news may be upsetting to her, but in the end she will be able to keep up with the work and slowly will regain all her confidence. Leaving her in 5th grade, she may never feel caught up and it would be a lot of pressure.

Most of the kids do not know her...so repeating the grade socially I do not think will be too bad. She will make new friends and I'll bet two months into the new school year she will feel so much better. Any kids who she met at the end of this last year she will still see, and will still be friends with them.

I would make it real simple....tell her that 5th grade in Utah is like 4th Grade in California as far as what is learned. Tell her that her teachers and you realize how smart she is, but that since the subject matter is different between what she learned and what she needs to know, she needs to begin in California in 4th grade. I would express it is not a reflection of her ability at all, but simply a difference in how the grades are treated between states. Tell her she can still keep friends she made, and also will make tons of new friends in 4th grade.

I would encourage friendships by facilitating playdates, and if you can manage it get her involved in activities such as Girl Scouts or a sport like AYSO soccer...something where she can make more friends. The more socially she is involved with all different friends from different places, the less the grade she is in will matter.

Even over the summer I might set up some playdates with friends she began to make at the end of last year....anything you can do to make her feel comfortable with her new situation. At school they can play at recess etc...the grade doesn't need to be the focus.

Hope that helps. Thats' how I would handle it.

Eseret · 06-17-2008, 09:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MichelleND

We adopted our daughter in the middle of her first grade year. We struggled with the same decision that you are now. We chose to have her repeat the grade. I would say that it will totally matter what she thinks, as to how well it goes. On the positive side she is young for her current class now.

Another thought is could you have her tested to see if she would qualify for special services at school and would be able to stay in her current grade, but get extra help at school. From what I have heard is that they really do not like to retain kids that are that old. My prayers are with you.

Krystal will get additional help in math, reading comprehension, and written expression at school next year in the resources room with a resource specialist. The RSP program is a part of the special education services and have agreed to step in to help even though she's not a special ed student.

Teri

fisher1000 · 06-17-2008, 09:19 AM

Teri,

Holding her back now would be a blessing. Catching her up will further frustrate her and you want her to have positive experiences with school. The more positive her experience, the better her grades are going to be and the more likely it will be that she will be successful as she gets older. Frustration breeds further frustration, and eventually apathy.

Yours is truly a no fault situation, unless you want to lay the blame on schools for inconsistency. If parents and caregivers really want to do what's best for their kids, then decisions like this sometimes must be made. At her age, there is less chance of repeating a grade being detrimental to her, especially socially, as it would be if she were older.

If you are confident when you tell her that you are doing this to ensure her success, and paint it in as positive a light as possible, then that will also be her frame and she will embrace it. Kids are resilient, and she will prove this to you as you put her back on a successful track. This time next year, her happiness and achievement will tell you for certain that you are making the right decision today. I'll be glad to talk to you about further, or if I can be of any other help at all-just PM me and I'll send you my phone number.

Also--if she's repeating, why summer school? There are a lot of academic camps and summer programs that emphasize fun with learning that might be a better choice for her. Again--positivity breeds achievement. (Emotions and Long Term Memory are both in the same place in the brain. When learning occurs in tandem with positive emotions, it sticks much better. )

Good luck, and let me know if there's anything else I can do! You are making a logical, caring decision. This is NOT a bad thing.

-Mike

Eseret · 06-17-2008, 09:25 AM

Simone my dear friend....thank you for you advice and wisdom. Telling her she must repeat the 4th grade has been on my mind constantly and keeps me awake at night. I know what you're saying is true...she'll be okay after she gets back into school. We're hoping she'll have the same teacher as she enjoyed being in her class. I do plan on arranging play dates for her and perhaps scouting.

She wants to learn how to play the piano so we will move my mother-in-laws piano here for her. Her room here was our den and my office is a former bedroom. I'm in the process of switching those rooms so she has a bedroom of her own. (Talk about exercise! Whew!!!)

Anyway, thanks again and we need to get together this summer!

Teri