This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent
to American company
Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine
products. She really gets
rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC
Magazine's 2007 editors' choice
for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads
for over 20 years and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the
LeakGuard Core or
Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go
horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up
and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to
be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't
tell you how safe and
secure I feel each month knowing there's a little
F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting
right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be
transformed into what my
husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills.' Isn't the
human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division,
you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens
during your customer's
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must
know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
intense mood swings, crying
jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely
realize it's a tough time for
most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize
that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...
Which brings me to the
reason for my letter. Last month, while in the
throes of cramping so painful
I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my
uterus, I opened an Always
maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
backing, were these words:
'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any
part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual
smiling, laughing
happiness, is possible during a menstrual period?
Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it,
James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never
be anything 'happy'
about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and
lock yourself in your house just so you don't march
down to the local
Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy
plan to end your life in
a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you
have to slap a moronic
message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense
to say something that's
actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is
Wrong',
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,
effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I
have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending
bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
Lol I got this one at work today.. made me smile, I hope it does the same for you
Message on Maxi Pads
Please do NOT make me laugh anymore, or I think my incisions will pop open. 
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