Chili, Gas & possible lawsuit... - ThinnerTimes

Dave T in SD · 05-10-2008, 01:42 PM

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to Shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'.
Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the odorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering he senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Big Mistake!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Owww', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.
It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take Care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next day I went to shop at Albertson's.
I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store...

Andie · 05-10-2008, 01:58 PM

OMG I am in tears over here...seriously....OMG I know the feeling oh too much!!! You are a hoot!!! Thanks for making my day!

mello mom · 05-10-2008, 02:13 PM

I loved it.

Godsblessedme · 05-10-2008, 02:26 PM

OMG Dave i was cracking up because i SO know how you felt! I had an accident at my grocery store about 3 months ago and swore i'd never return but last week i finally returned hoping and praying no one there remembered the "clean up on isle 7" !!!

Dave did they seriously escort you out or are you kidding? Yeah i'd say lawsuit!

'thann · 05-10-2008, 02:41 PM

This is HILARIOUS! And I have a bunch of hot peppers on my counter right now preparing to make my "Thermonuclear Chili" -- but no habaneros (I left them out thinking they may be a wee bit TOO hot this time around).

Thanks for having the - er - GUTS to share your story! Imagine the stories that were told when those folks returned home that evening!

'thann

shereeks · 05-10-2008, 02:50 PM

OMG! Seriously Dave, you are killing me here! I haven't laughed this hard in years. Actually the last time I laughed like this was when a guy ran into a lamp post on his bike right in front of me (whilst checkin out a blonde bit of skirt walking past).

Seriously I think I'm gonna wet myself!

MiladyB · 05-10-2008, 03:02 PM

*LOL*....you are back in your rare form, Dave!!!! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. I had the same problem the other day in the dressing room of a store.

I was SO glad the store was almost empty!!

Thanks for bursting forth with your story, Dave...it was priceless!

Corrine · 05-10-2008, 04:52 PM

That had me in fits!

You have a way with words Dave and if I hadn't of been through a similar (although no way near dramatic a situation), I would not have appreciated your predicament.

Dawn Crippen · 05-10-2008, 05:26 PM

OMG I have never laughed so hard! I actually couldnt breath for a while.

Dawn surgery 2-12-08 35 lbs gone

mistymee · 05-10-2008, 07:21 PM

O.M.G.... I thought I was going to pee my pants.. I read this out loud to my daughter, and had trouble seeing through the tears that were streaming down my face!

You have a gift!