slars04

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About slars04

  • Rank
    Member
  • Birthday August 27

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female

Information

  • Surgeon
    Dr. Matthew Pittman
  • Hospital
    Delnor Community Hospital
  • Height (ft-in)
    5-07
  • Start Weight
    265
  • Current Weight
    215
  • Goal Weight
    145
  • Body Mass Index (BMI)
    33.7
  • Surgery Date
    02/13/2017
  • Surgery Type
    Gastric Bypass

Recent Profile Visitors

117 profile views
  1. Thank you! I remember only one time in my life that I couldn't eat. I was 22, totally heartbroken and deeply humiliated by two people who I thought cared about me. Any other time I had a feeling (or was breathing, for that matter) I was putting something in my food hole. I was feeling pretty good about my decision to go ahead with WLS until this happened. I am grateful anything slightly sweet or fatty makes me sick right now. Going down that rabbit hole scares me to death. My own best thinking got me to 315 lbs by the time I was 40. Thanks again for talking me off the ledge.
  2. So... I've been sick and isolating since I got home. So much for learning a lot. All I ever did was eat when I had a feeling. I realize I don't know how to stay in the present for more than a minute. This is the whole reason I did this: yes, it's about the weight and being right-sized, but it's also about not being so damn self-absorbed! The constant chatter in my head is really annoying.
  3. Everything tastes or smells bad to me lately. #%&# ?!? Is this all in my head? I am 8 weeks out today, and I just don't want to eat anything. I figured out a smoothie I can tolerate (a Premier banana crème shake, an Oikos Triple Zero yogurt, and 8 oz of diet Cran-some kind of fruit juice) so I at least get 45 grams of protein, but I feel like I should be learning to eat regular food, too. The weird thing is, I was doing fairly well with meat and some veg, but now everything feels or smells weird. I'm down to chili, some fish, and salad. Eggs sometimes. Should I be concerned or grateful?
  4. Our youngest son just got married! He lives in Honolulu at Fort Schafter and they wanted to be married in their church, so we forced ourselves to go to Hawaii for 9 days. Lol. It was awesome, beautiful, amazing, incredible, etc. except for the chatter in my head. I love our new daughter-in-law and we got on famously with her family. It wasn't that. I just never realized how much food buffered my feelings, or how much freaking rage I have! Also, how my family does not listen to me when I say I need something. I did prepare as best I could. I bought yogurt, protein shakes, PowerAde Zero, and diet cranberry juice when we got there. I forced them to go to two places with healthier choices and they actually liked them, but it was harder than I thought it would be to find stuff that wasn't fried. I ate eggs, fish, shredded pork, chili, and some vegetables and fruit. I had a taste of a few sweets (head hunger and also because I knew they would make me poop) and they made me sick to my stomach for a while, so now I know. Everyone there knew I had surgery and they really do not have to get it, but GEEZ! Did they really have to explain to me how it works and how best to take care of myself, then go to McDonald's and ask why I wasn't eating? They argued with me about directions (I used the damn Google!) explained to me about Germany (I lived there), and instructed me on how I SHOULD feel about whatever was happening at the moment. (For those of you who don't know me, the word "should" is a swear word in my vocabulary. It does more harm than the F word ever did.) So, anyway... It was my son and his fiancée's day, and without the distraction of food I was able to be present. HALLELUJAH! I was able to advocate for myself and get most of my needs met. WINNING! I am also learning to read my body's signals and know when I am full but not stuffed. SCORE! I started the pre-op diet on January 30th and I am down 45 pounds. WOO HOO! We made a bunch of runs while there and got the reception set up and decorated, the food prepped and the cake served up on the beach with only one outburst by me when a burger exploded on the grill and landed between my legs. BWAHAHAHAHA! The happy couple looks awesome in the photos we've seen so far. NICE! (NOTE TO SELF: Don't look at the pictures with you in them on less than 7 hours of sleep.) OMG! I almost forgot! I went to THE BEACH! Me!! I wore A BATHING SUIT, not shorts and a T-shirt, went to the beach with other people, and ACTUALLY WENT IN THE WATER! For like an hour! Twice! YAAAAAS! I'm not where I want to be but my self-esteem has gone way up as I make better decisions regarding my health. It really was a great trip. I do love those guys despite my simmering rage. Perhaps it's time to resuscitate the ol' grateful list...
  5. My mom is quite the conversationalist as well. I think she is as supportive as she is capable of, but sometimes I really want to punch her in the face. She knows I had surgery, but continues to offer me cookies and candy. She is obese and has myriad co-morbidities because of it, but only wants to take another pill (as does most of America, I might add.) She is always commenting on other people's weight and says stuff like "Look! Did you see her? She's got such a huge behind!" I recall how much her mother, my Nana, shamed her and I about our weight and I realize I have to be the one to break the shame cycle. Whoopie! She is 86, so the hope of having her change significantly has long since dissipated. As I re-read the last paragraph, I realize I am not the poster child for the compassion team either. I am trying to appreciate her for what she does bring to the table: a sharp wit, a sense of style, refreshing bluntness (when not directed at me), and a love of my children. Realizing that food is her only comfort in a pretty uncomfortable life is sad more than anything. She has been through a lot with me and my brothers, not to mention my father (that is a whole other post). AHH! I just thought of something! There are no real boundaries in our family, so I continually have to reinforce what I will and will not do with my mother and my brothers. Maybe this is the issue with your mom. I have gone so far as to say "If you continue to talk to me about, ask me about, or other wise engage in (said topic) I will have to leave or hang up." The tricky part is following through without anger. and then doing it like 20 more times until it sticks. I can't control her (Lords knows I've tried), but I can decide how and when I will interact with her. It's hard not to take things personally. I brought this up the other day while apologizing for a backhanded remark and she told me she heard herself saying things to me and thought to herself. "Why would I say that to her?" I guess if I'm keeping it about me, we can still have a breakthrough. Ha!
  6. I TOTALLY agree about not overthinking it, and I thank you for that. My experience has been that people compliment for other reasons as well, and that not everyone's motives are pure. I'm a little paranoid. I don't have to react. I can also trust my gut, say thank you, and keep going. I went for my 6 week follow up with my surgeon and nutritionist yesterday and they said I was right on track weight-wise, but needed more water and exercise. My friend, Jane, keeps telling me to play the triangle. That is, I'm in the band known as Gastric Bypass and I'm not the lead singer, lead guitarist, bassist or drummer. I need to listen to my team and you guys who have gone before me, following directions and not making up my own rules. I need to remember my best thinking got me to 315 pounds at one point. It's really hard when you think you know everything. I hate the damn triangle! Lol.
  7. Thanks for the feedback. It's good to know I'm not alone and that it will get better the longer I stay on this journey. I hope to forgive myself sooner rather than later for treating my body so badly all these years, and being so self-absorbed in the process. I weigh less than I have in 3 years and that is a good thing. I think it's time to figure out a way to enjoy my progress and stop overthinking it.
  8. I feel like a jerk. I really do want to be right-sized, but I do not want anyone to comment on it. I know I cannot control other people and that I should be flattered or whatever, but all I feel is slightly embarrassed and a little pissed off. I just mumble something and walk away. I feel the same way I did when I was pregnant and some jacka$$ felt the need to touch my belly. It took a while because I was so big to start, but now people are starting to notice. Has anyone else had trouble with the attention? I have lost a significant amount of weight several times before (hence the surgery) and each time I have gone through this. I don't want to wear clothes that fit (even when I get cool ones for free from my girlfriends as I'm dropping weight). I'm excited about being more myself in what I wear, but at the same time it's like I lost my armor. Thoughts? P.S. Yes, I have issues. Yes, I really want this. Yes, I see a therapist regularly.
  9. Thank you! I did talk with my husband over the weekend and you were right. I am responsible for my own comfort and this is an area that was lacking prior to the surgery. I am pretty raw, and the other stuff in my life seems magnified looking through this early recovery lens. I'm getting more accustomed to my new way of eating, but there have been a lot of changes for both of us and I need to acknowledge the effects of that on my husband. We have been moving my 85 year old mom into assisted living from multiple hospitalizations this year, I'm in my 3rd semester of nursing school, our youngest is getting married on April 1st, and we both have commitments in the recovery community. There is never a good time to have surgery, at least for me, and I didn't want to wait any longer. That is something I need to cop to: I wanted this. NO ONE made me do it but me. My husband has been a real trooper; doing ALL the physical stuff of moving my mother to her new place and I realized that I have been lax in acknowledging him for how much he has done, on his own without prompting, to help her. I also came to the conclusion that our communication skills have sucked up until this point, and I am 50% of that equation. This is such an amazing opportunity to form new habits, but Geez! It's all I can do to get out there in the world sometimes. So much shame is coming up around how I used to eat! I am scared that I will let everyone down. Again. I am doing well with protein, and the vitamins have become routine, but the fluids are stumping me. I can't tolerate cold beverages very well now and that was my go-to. Decaf coffee seems to be ok, and room temp water, along with my 1 glass of V8 fusion light per day, but I keep forgetting to drink. I guess it's all a process. The support of the group is very helpful. Prayer is helping also. I just have to walk through the fear like a grown-up. Yikes!
  10. I appreciate the support. I have noticed my husband seems to have picked up where I left off with the snacking. I have recorded any TV I watch so I can fast forward through the commercials and that is really helping, but I wonder if anyone else's family has had this reaction. I don't think my husband means any harm. In fact, I don't even think he's aware of it. In so many other ways he has been supportive. I know this is my journey and I am responsible for what I do (or don't) put into my mouth, but I'd like to talk to him about it and ask him to go to a different room or tell me if he's going to snack at night, so I can remove myself. I don't think it will bother me so much once I get good habits in place. I'm just so aware that I have a chance to form new, healthier habits right now while I have to think about all my intake. Any suggestions? Am I being overly sensitive?
  11. I am totally cool with the word addiction: not feeling hungry at all but feeling like I NEED to eat has got to be the head hunger my nutritionist is referring to. The hardest thing to do when I'm in it is to take a second to breath and realize it's just feelings. They will pass. I do have an established relationship with a counselor, thank goodness, but I realize now I need more support, as in a group of people to talk to who know what I'm talking about. I cannot believe how much time I spent fantasizing about food, travelling long distances to eat, spending so much money on junk food, etc. to keep feelings at bay. The truth is, it never really worked in the long run. Short-term, Yes. but the shame involved in being obese has far outweighed (no pun intended) the relief of numbing my feelings. I am grateful you all are here.
  12. I am so glad I found this sight! What a wealth of experience! I'm 2 weeks post op and I must say, nothing has thrown me as much as all the feelings coming up without the food to keep them at bay. Last week I had a full-blown anxiety attack - had to cancel an appointment because I knew driving would not be a good idea in that frame of mind. I am normally pretty adventurous and this really threw me for a loop. I do have a lot going on in addition to surgical recovery, but I was not prepared for this kind of reaction. I guess I should have been... Several days into the pre-op diet I thought my husband was going to have to relocate to a safe house. I'm also starting to not want to eat at all. Still trying to get in my protein, vitamins, and liquids, but I really have to force myself sometimes. Is this normal? Has anyone else had these experiences.