(I am cutting & pasting this from another topic, because I inadvertently high-jacked it.)
I am so glad you posted this. Especially your not liking feeling vulnerable when you're at a smaller size. My stats are similar to yours, albeit I'm only 5 months out from surgery. I have been treading water at 185-190 for several weeks now... making poor food choices (sometimes even when it hurts my stomach)... sort of afraid to get into the 170's. That is the weight at which I start attracting attention. Keep in mind I have no fashion model face, but my family and friends will start making comments as I go down through the 170's into a normal BMI... some positive, some negative. When I have been at a lower weight I have not only wondered if I had not been just as desirable at a higher weight, but it's made me very angry because I KNOW I have not been as desirable!
The conundrum is this: I physically FEEL better when my weight is near my normal BMI; however, the increased looks from men, the catty/snide comments and looks from women, even the kind comments don't feel SAFE to me. My knee-jerk reaction to these is NOT a good one. My mind and body don't know how to accurately interpret them; therefore, they are often incorrectly internalized. I feel much more vulnerable. It's as if the extra weight is a fence ensuring my safety. When I'm heavy no one notices me... giving me the comforting feeling of being invisible. Others, on the whole, seem to be nicer to me when I'm heavier. When I'm at a healthier weight I feel as though I'm parading around naked.
I have tried repeating to myself your words, <<<"I am learning that it is okay for me to be a small person. I am working forward too towards lossing the rest of this weight. I love me no matter what the scale reads. I love me no matter what anyone else thinks. I want to be healthy.">>> but to no avail.
Any insight is welcome.
Thanks, again, Lady Fi. You may have opened a can of worms for me, but I needed to open it so I can keep moving forward.