Today was not a red-banner day for weight loss and I'm going to confess that just for today, I didn't care. Today was day two of two ER visits for my father with stage IV colon cancer. After watching him throw up buckets and buckets of brown bile, hiccup uncontrollably for days in end, have his stomach pumped, and then hearing the nurse tell us an obstruction meant his prognosis was even poorer than before, I stole away and ate...and ate. And I didn't care whether it affected my weight loss.
There is no pretty way to mourn or say goodbye to a parent who adopted you when he married your mother and loved you ever since. There was no warning seven months ago before his diagnosis. Yet his grace and humility in the face of his rapid decline are truly, truly remarkable. Not one word of protest, self-pity, or complaint. The words that broke my heart came today after he finally had hydration and was better aware of his surroundings. He asked, "Are we out of time?" I couldn't bring myself to reply, "Yes, Daddy. I think so." Could NOT. After all, God is in control of our days.
So, weight loss??? Nope. But you know what? He sat with me before I was wheeled in for WLS seven months ago. He has supported all my major decisions, and I know he wants me to succeed at this. So tomorrow I put on my big girl panties, and I will work to live by his example to make him proud. I will work at being a more compassionate, gentle human being, period. Just like him. He showed me the way.
I'm sorry. I had to vent. I had nowhere else to do so. I'll be contacting a counselor soon to help me navigate this time. But you know what else? I don't feel bitter or angry. God gave me His best. I am blessed. And deeply thankful.
Thank you for listening.