nestingdoll

Members
  • Content count

    848
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About nestingdoll

  • Rank
    Senior Member
  • Birthday

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    LA
  • Age
    37

Information

  • Surgeon
    Ganser
  • Hospital
    Renown south meadows
  • Height (ft-in)
    5-06
  • Start Weight
    268
  • Current Weight
    161
  • Goal Weight
    145
  • Body Mass Index (BMI)
    26.1
  • Surgery Date
    3/19/2012
  • Surgery Type
    Gastric Bypass
  • Surgeon
    Ganser
  1. About 6 years ago, I joined this community and became HOOKED on the fact that I could use the gastric bypass as a tool to help in the extreme battle of the bulge. I had my surgery on 3-19-12, and it was a complete success. I'll go ahead and answer the burning question: At my heaviest documented weight, I was 397lbs. When my surgery was scheduled, I was down to 268lbs. My goal weight was 145. The lowest I ever got was 147. Today, I'm weighing in at 161(and not too happy about it). Will I battle for the last 16lbs to be gone?? Of course!! What's 16 lbs when you started at 397?? Let's get real: life is messy. Gastric bypass doesn't make it any less messy. Since my last blog, I lost down to 147lbs, then gained some back. However, I survived my hubby's 2.5 year deployment, infidelity in my marriage, a long pause then restart to my math degree (I feel your cringes from here), moving across the country, complete separation from half of my family, hospitalization for viral meningitis for one month and subsequent detox from fentanyl over the span of 2 months, AND 5 years of growth for each of my girls. I decided, however, that it's important to continue my blog on thinnertimesforum. Along the way, I will post about real life, real food, and the real challenges that I face daily. I promise to document every achievement, shortfall, and swan dive off of the wagon. Last November, I started becoming frantic, frankly. I knew I was losing control, again. I started looking WAY too much like 397lb me. Here are my personal warning signs that I'm reverting: 1. Avoiding the scale or making excuses like, "That's not 'real' weight; I'm about to start my period in 2 weeks. Or, my favorite, "It must be water weight from the salt I had yesterday." No sweetie, it was the fries that the salt was on. 2. Daily decisions to "start a new lifestyle." In November, I decided to do the 5 day pouch. It was "ridiculous this far post-op." Then, I decided I would live and Atkins lifestyle. Reality check: Atkins plus carbohydrates isn't Atkins. It was "too hard while I'm in school." 3. I suddenly have a larger stack of "goal" jeans in my closet than I do of current fit jeans. That's okay, self, "you'll get back into them after the holidays. The hubby must've shrunk them in the dryer." 4. I keep telling myself that "I'm a health foodie. I wrote a wholefoods blog. I don't eat like that" as I'm eating a burger or handful of chips. 5. My house is suddenly bursting at the seams with junk food and chocolate and I lie to myself, "it's for the hubby and the kids." Yeah, honey?? Then, stop eating their food. 6. I KNOW deep down that I'm letting the food monster creep back in...nay, the food monster is here, bigger than life. But, if I cram the food into my mouth super fast, the calories somehow won't count..... There's not even any logic in that one. I'm done with that version of myself. Done. So, I've spent several weeks reflecting on my journey. This is a fork in the road, a pivotal moment in my life. Will I be a success long-term or will I become one of those people that everyone's co-worker warned you about----that lady everyone knows that had gastric bypass and ended up bigger than before. Here are the truths that I've written down to remind myself what's at stake: 1. "Living to eat" only leads to one place. Weight loss surgery is like playing a game of chutes and ladders. All it did was set me back at the beginning. If I take the same footsteps I did before, I will get to the exact same place. I used to say, "If I had it to do over again, I would have.......(never stopped running, fallen in love with nutritious food, said no to every second helping, etc...)" I got a re-do. I'm calling my own bluff. Am I strong enough to do it differently this time? Every step counts. I will make the most of each one. 2. Maintaining my spoiled-brat food attitude means failure. Eating to live means prioritizing my health TODAY, not starting tomorrow. If there's anything we should all know, it's that being healthy is freedom and being unhealthy is a prison of flesh. So, why have I been choosing things that are unhealthy to put inside my body?? Isn't it about time that I give it what it needs instead of what I want?? Is it only in America that we whine about eating fresh fruits and veggies while other parts of the planet don't have any?? Is it only in America that we whine about how fresh food doesn't taste good enough because we don't get the taste of cheesecake with every bite? Are we a nation of fist-pounding toddlers refusing to eat our green beans and wanting to move straight to dessert? Attitude is a decision. Changing it is as easy as changing my mind. "Do or do not, there is no try--Yoda" 3. There is NO cheat code for this game. There is NO way to live a life of food splurging and NOT gain all of my weight back. There is no magical combination of foods that will allow me to "eat the foods I love and still lose weight" unless I learn to love foods that are healthy for my body. If my plate holds the same foods that it did when I was 397lbs, I should run, terrified, to the garbage bin, scrape it frantically, and start over. We all know the combination to weight loss. This is not rocket science. Eat an appropriate amount of foods that are dense in nutrients and lead an active life. LIVE. 4. I am not "cured." I will always be a food-aholic; I should never let my guard down. Food is not a reward. Using it to celebrate is dangerous. Do alcoholics give themselves a pass on their birthdays or holidays?? I sure hope not. Rewarding myself with dangerous food reinforces my food addiction and makes it easier to make excuses for the next meal...like "I've already blown "my diet" for the day, I'll start again tomorrow." I have had enough fried and sugary foods for a lifetime. Eating them did not make me happy. In fact, eating them made me miserable. I will remember that this is not my "diet," this is my life. This is not my lifestyle. This is my life. This is a life that "blowing it" with a plate of food means walking back toward being a mommy that couldn't bend over to tie her own shoes. This is a life that is worth more than trading it for a piece of cake or a slice of pizza. BACK TO MYSELF: The last 16 lbs will be reached by becoming again the best version of myself, not by further depleting my body. I'm currently on day 8 of going back her. She wrote a daily whole foods blog and was a serious health foodie. Every bite of food that went into her mouth was for one reason: TO IMPROVE THE QUALITY of her life. She believed in the power of nutrition to heal and that foods should be eaten as close to their natural state as possible. She didn't need to count calories, fat grams, carbs, etc... because when you're living the right way, your body balances itself. And, the greatest part of all.....I'm still her. I just need to remind myself of that.
  2. SIZE 8. That is all.

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. CassMoxie

      CassMoxie

      WOoooOOo! That is awesome! Fantastic Job!

    3. mommytyree

      mommytyree

      Whoop whoop!!! Yay for you!!

    4. SkeleTON
  3. Below 160 today....this morning's weigh in was 159.0! My size 10's are now loose, and the "head hunger" has now disappeared. Thank you, God.

    1. WeightAndSeeTheNewMe

      WeightAndSeeTheNewMe

      That is so amazing...size 10's are loose? Woo Hoo!! I'm looking forward to being that skinny and having the "head hunger" disappear.

    2. madlucmom

      madlucmom

      That is AWESOME! You must be estatic!

    3. SkeleTON

      SkeleTON

      Yay!!! Great job!! Skinny mini :)

  4. Where are you nestingdoll? Miss you around here. Hope you are well : )

  5. I don't know about you guys, but my family is used to me being on some random diet during the holidays. I honestly don't remember the last time I had a "normal" over-indulging Thanksgiving or Christmas. But, I do have a game plan. Turkey is safe so no major drama there. Then, instead of the southern green bean casserole, I'm making fresh green beans tossed in a tiny dab of real butter and sprinkled with almond slivers and a squeeze of lemon juice. (the new love of my life) And, I'm stocking up on sugar free apple cider for my dessert. I'm also doing a spicy white cheese ball to eat with carrot sticks/crackers, etc... My Louisiana family always does tons of seafood, so no major hurdles, there. Just going with fresh over processed goodies, saying no to gravies and sauces, and having my cider while everyone else has dessert. (Let's face it, it's no fun to eat sweets by yourself and we can't eat and drink at the same time....so, I'm using it to my advantage)
  6. LOL! ME TOO! My theory is that there is more distance to cover between the table top and the mouth hole.....and, therefore, many more miles of lap, tummy, and boobage before that morsel gets to the lips. It isn't a matter of being a slob....it's the statistics in food spillage per average inch to the mouth. The major flaw to my theory, though is: why does it always seem to be the left boob??? There really is no logical explanation for that one.
  7. This morning, my 7 year old daughter woke up, ran to a little pink jewelry box, flew open the lid, and gasped. Instead of the tiny, little baby tooth that she hid there the night before, she found a silver dollar. Magic. She instantaneously donned the cap of the town crier and floated about the house, excitedly explaining to my 3 year old daughter the steps with which to attain this magical tooth-alchemy. The look on her face was contagious. My three year old was wearing it moments after her first glimpse of the "doubloon." (She's into pirates in a big way.) As a matter of fact, it's the same look they get when Santa Claus has left their presents under the tree or the Easter Bunny has left goodies in baskets outside of their bedroom doors. Want to know a secret?...grown ups get it, too. I wore the exact same expression last night. It all started with my realization that I really wasn't going to do my homework until the last minute on Sunday night...so, I gave up clock-watching and went to the bathroom to draw myself a bath. The kids were snugly nestled in bed and a cup of post-bath sugar free Apple Cider was calling my name. So, I stripped down, threw my clothes in the laundry basket and all but sprinted to the tub (the house was unusually cold). When I reclined in the water to warm up, I reached for a bar of the hubby's soap (he's gone again, so I use his soap to keep that smell alive in the house). I placed it on my thighs to wet my hair with both hands....and....it....fell....through. Thinking to myself that I didn't remember spreading my legs apart, I fished the bar of soap out of the water and repeated. Again, it fell through. Ladies and gentlemen, for my first act, I will now make soap disappear??? Have I become some wicked thigh magician? No. But, there is evidence of a magical being that is sadly left out of every fairy tale and folk lore book I've ever read.....in fact, I don't know her name. In the middle of the night, she graciously took some of my thigh cellulite and left, in its place......a SPACE! You can see through them.....WITH MY KNEES TOUCHING!!!!!! Yes, I called it a "she"...I'm convinced it's a female creature...after all, who else would understand the agony of thigh cellulite?? That, or the Sand Man has some sort of leg fetish and is now using his powers for much more good?? Either way, I'm positive that my usually pessimistic/realistic expression was traded, if only momentarily, for the starry-eyed, jaw dropped expression of a child looking at tooth fairy doubloons. Magic....pure magic! Remember the day after you got your engagement ring? When you couldn't stop looking at your hand, twisting it in the sunlight and almost wrecking the car? Yes? Then, you can imagine what today has been.....so far, I have proven that a remote control, my deodorant bottle, and my skinniest coffee mug can all occupy that new mystical thigh space with my knees miraculously together! So, whether its name is the Midnight Thigh Bandit, Leg Slimming Gnome, or the Cellulite Vampire........THANK YOU!!!!! (and PLEASE tell me that you have a buddy called the Panni-poofer, Tummy-Tucker, or Lipo-Leprechaun!) I know, I know.....it might be silly to believe in the panni-poofer.....but on the day after your thighs no longer touch.....anything will become possible to you, too.
  8. I secretly worried that I would be drawn to the candy bags. But, when I opened the door after class, the sweet stench of the candy was so overpowering that I put them in an old Wal Mart bag and tied it. Just the smell made me want to yak. Bleh. VERY thankful about it!
  9. In honor of losing 101 lbs as of this morning, after being stalled for 2 weeks at the -98 lb mark, I have to do it... Prepare yourself for the mandatory (though perhaps trite) listing of random things that weigh 100 lbs. 15 Random Things that weigh 100 lbs: 1. 1 baby hippo 2. The average 13 year old child 3. 50 large tubs Country Crock 4. A 2-month old foal 5. A hellfire missle (HAL-3) 6. 10 bags of flour 7. 10 medium sized bowling balls 8. 12 gallons of drinking water 9. 50 pairs of shoes 10. 5 giant Thanksgiving turkeys 11. 5 average car tires 12. 1 semi-truck tire 13. 3 cinderblocks 14. $45,359 in single dollar bills 15. Miley Cyrus Today, another goal has been met, and it feels FANTASTIC! Sure, I'll strut with a little more attitude. My chin will be in the upright and locked position, and I might even wear that Vera Wang size 10 tunic I found at a vintage shop for $5. BUT---today is also the day that I reconfirm my commitment to the process and not let myself forget where exactly I came from and how easy it is to go back there. I'm choosing not to wake up from the fairytale.... and in doing so, I'm choosing to obey the pouch so that baby hippo doesn't conveniently come back home to settle in around my midsection.
  10. OH, no! I will mourn the loss of the booty bump!
  11. With the drastic changes that have kept my life in quicksand since the surgery.....Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you change number 4,589,222 and a half. We will be heading to Louisiana mid-December, instead of February. This means, mind you, that the Army has siphoned another couple of months away from me....thanks, Uncle Sam. And, the clincher.....my finals will be the Wednesday before our weekend move. YIKES! CALGON!!!!!!!! "They" warn that life goes on after WLS.....and "they" are, alas, correct! In fact....I'd kinda like to take Mr. Murphy de la Murphy's Law out back and smack him around a little bit. That being said, this change is yet another reminder of how important it is to make food a routine instead of a reaction. Can I claim a little NSV.....I didn't have a food response to the news. (Nor, I might add, did I have a cigarette behavior.) The stress continues, but my resolve remains. I WILL be successful. I WILL meet my goals. I WILL continue to redefine food until I eat to live. And, I WILL NOT give in to the stresses of life that have caused me to abandon hope in the past. Louisiana, here we come! So, here's hoping that the pace of life down there is as slow as I remember. I could use some porch swinging, fire-fly catching, music-listening, friend gathering, family hugging time.
  12. Amazing day! Congrats on the hard work!
  13. I love to cook, so sparkpeople works well for me. You can use the recipe builder to input your dish and assign it a very small portion size (post-WLS size like 1 1-inch turkey meatball)...it generates the nutritional info based on the ingredients you used and the portion size. Then, you can use your own cooking in your food log, instead of listing estimates of ingredients in the log. (You can query your own recipes or the entire site's recipe nutritional info.) SP also tracks exercise, fitness, allows you to change your food ranges (good for WLS patients), it will generate fitness routines if you want it to, it will generate menus if you want it to, shopping lists, and you can add trackers for vitamins, too. I've been on SP for years and years (on computer, ipad, and iphone), so I'm a little biased.
  14. I completely get you! 98lbs down and I still go to the size 28's and XXXL tops, even though the jeans I wore into the store are a very loose size 11/12. Crazy.
  15. This week, I was assigned a self-portrait as my end of year project. It's a daunting proposition for anyone, I suppose. BUT, for me and those like me, it's a bit terrifying for a couple of reasons: First, the assignment is to draw myself "with the aid of a mirror, not a picture." Don't get me wrong.....I often look at my body in the mirror....but this assignment is a head shot. It's odd, but the idea of making eye contact with myself in the mirror makes me a little nervous....it makes me wonder who that girl is that's staring back. Second, as the self-portrait progresses, we must display it and stand beside it for critique. My first critique was, shall we say, telling. I can't stop my hand from giving myself chipmunk cheeks, double-chins, and quarterback shoulders. My classmates actually thought it was hilarious that I "made myself fat." It was the closest I've come to utter humiliation since I can remember. The biggest challenge, I think, is going to be actually seeing what's in front of me, instead of allowing my insecurities to end up on my page. And, the biggest problem with this is that I have no idea when I'm doing it. I draw, thinking that I've finally accomplished the task....and I get feedback like, "that girl weighs 300 lbs." My first instinct, to be honest, is to say, "yeah? so do I." On Wednesdays, I weigh in and tell the hubby the weekly verdict.....but the majority of the time, I slip up and report my weight as 270 instead of 170. I'm foreign to me. I still see myself as clay, if you know what I mean. I'm not "done," yet. I'm not finished. I'm cake batter, not a cake.... The only way I can think of to word my feelings is, "I'm not ME in the mirror, yet," as weird as that sounds. I'm not familiar with that person I look at in the mirror....I'm strangely taken aback by her. Like looking at the funny mirrors at the circus. Her eyes look like mine. She's not real, yet. I don't think of her as permanent, yet. She's a "could be," a "wish," a "mirage." Strange, isn't it, that I don't recognize myself? I remember catching a glimpse of myself in a random reflection in the mall when I weighed my heaviest....I was horrified that I actually looked like that. Reality hits hard. I hardly recognized myself, then. Seems like I'm pretty good at hiding myself from myself. It's kinda scary to be forced to peel back those protective layers and try to figure out what I really look like. What if I don't like what I see? After all of this?