overwhelmed and mortified - ThinnerTimes

XJESSPX · 05-12-2008, 10:54 AM

Hi everyone,
I am new here, my name is Jessica. I am schedule for Lap RNY on 6/3. (It cannot come fast enough) Anyway, now that my surgery is getting closer I am becoming an emotional overwhelmed mess. I am not sure if it is just me but I feel like now that everyone knows I am having WLS, they think they can say the things they have been thinking of my weight since they met me. Normally, I do not really care what anyone thinks of me, but through this entire process I have tried to keep it quiet because I wanted to make sure having this surgery was my choice and not based on what anyone else thought. I know I am sensitive, but its not like tomorrow I am going wake up and be skinny or have this surgery and be skinny, or ever forget how heavy I was. It takes some time to lose weight, surgery or not. And then when I do lose weight how am I supposed to act towards these people now that I know what really think of me. It seems like everything is so focused on how much I weigh lately and I can't stand it. I am on edge with this, trying to just laugh along but inside I feel like dying.

any suggestions?

fisher1000 · 05-12-2008, 11:25 AM

Oh, I have some suggestions, but most involve weapons and the "F" word. How much duct tape do you own?

Perhaps the following prayer will help: (It's a favorite of mine!)

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off!

Seriously, it's very difficult not to feel humiliated when people talk to you the way they do. One of the problems that many of us have (pre-op) is this NEED to please people, for fear of losing even one friend. Post-op, you are going to feel SO much more worthy and deserving of the good life, that these people who treated you a certain way will no longer be valued. You'll want to surround yourself with those that are full of life and laughter, and you won't have room for anyone else and their attitudes and problems.

One of the things that you'll learn through this process is that when others treat you in a demeaning way or talk down to you or patronize you, it's because they believe that they can. They think they are being honest, blunt, truthful, whatever, but what they are being are gigantic assholes. Truly nice people don't treat others in a controlling or manipulative way. They don't have to sugarcoat things, but they don't have to be mean either. The way something is worded and the tone in which it is said goes a long way.

My plan, if I were you, would be to start distancing myself from those people who don't treat you the way you deserve to be treated. As you lose weight, their controlling and manipulative behaviors are going to turn to jealousy or anger because you are living out a dream when they don't have the guts to pursue their own.

In this next 3 weeks, as you work up to your surgery date, you need to remain as positive as you can. Tell yourself that you are worthy, tell yourself that you matter, tell yourself that you deserve nothing less than the best. You are about to be reborn, and the butterfly you'll soon become will take flight, leaving the old you behind, including anyone attached to the old you that held you back.

You don't have to wait for the surgery to fly---your heart and mind are ready now...

Good luck,

-Mike

Nyn · 05-12-2008, 12:02 PM

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this with the people in your life. This surgery is already very difficult and emotionally draining, so it's not like you need the added stress. I think you are very, very brave for telling everyone in the first place. I was too much of a chicken, so only my family and one or two other people in my life know that I had surgery. I'm sure some of them have guessed, but at least they haven't said so to my face.

Please listen to Mike's wise words. It is very true. Though the surgery journey is hard, you will grow stronger as time passes, and I sincerely suspect and hope that the opinions of those dolts will cease to matter so much to you. Plus, you have us here at the Forum now. Who knows better what this all is like than hundreds of people who have been in your place already??

Best wishes to you as you prepare in the next few weeks. My suggestion is to plug your ears with cotton and spend all your energy focusing on YOU. Take the time you might've spent worrying about others, and do nice things for yourself like cleaning out your kitchen, buying soft jammies, slippers, and blankets, practicing keeping a food log, spending time with REAL friends and family, etc.

Debz · 05-12-2008, 01:49 PM

It's funny how the decision to have surgery loosens everyone's tongues. The insensitive comments abound! People just can't seem to not show their ass. That being said, try to separate the curious from the moronic. Some people are really just inquisitive about this surgery they've heard so much about...and some people are just assholes.

I've posted many times on these "what does everyone else think" threads, so if I repeat myself please forgive me.

You are making this decision to improve both your health and your appearance. It has nothing to do with anyone else. Period. No one has to live with the consequences of your choice, but you. No one else has to live with the consequences of your obesity but you. So no one else really has the right to an opinion. (Except of course, your significant other and kids, but that's another subject entirely.)

The people that are talking about you having surgery have likely talked about your obesity. People talk. Let them...but if there gonna talk...give 'em something to talk about that's positive for you.

I've had to develop a bit of a tough shell about this. Everyone that knows me knows I had surgery...and everyone has something to say. But, I'll tell you that what they say now, 103 pounds later is a whole lot different than what they said when I first decided to do it.

But, you still have to live in the right now. You have to deal with what people think it's OK to say to you now. I think my favorite asinine comment pre-op was "You're not fat enough for that surgery". As in, you're fat, just not fat enough. Yeah, thanks. The fact is that people are going to have something to say. So you have to think about what your response will be before they say it.

When people said the "you're not fat enough" comment, I replied with just what I wrote above. It shut people right up. When people said something about mutilating my body, I asked them what about being morbidly obese wasn't mutilating my body. When people asked me why I was taking the easy way, I came back with (and still do), "Explain to me how having major surgery, having my entire guts re-routed and changing the way I eat for life is the easy way". To me, WLS wasn't the easy way out, it was my only way out.

You just need to sit down with yourself and come up with some responses to the common things you're hearing that you're comfortable with. And there's always the option of telling people, "You know, my surgery is coming up pretty quickly, and I really don't like talking about it. Let's change the subject."

My rule was I explained my reasons for having the surgery once to the important people in my life. After that, I refused to hear any negativity. You have every right to let people know what you're willing to listen to. Good luck to you!

P.S. You're getting ready for the ride of your life! Screw 'em! And just enjoy that fact that you were able to make a life changing decision. Good for you!

Godsblessedme · 05-12-2008, 02:49 PM

i agree you know what you need to point blank let them know your still in your current habitus and you'd appreciate keeping rude comments about your weight to themselves. I cant stand ignorant people. And let them know you didnt gain all the weight overnight and dont expect it to come off over night either. I'm sorry your facing that problem

splendifor · 05-12-2008, 02:56 PM

Everything the others have said is right on!!! some people are just the biggest jerks and it reminds me of a comeback I learned wayyyy back - "I may be fat but you're a jerk and I'm going to lose weight!!"

BE KIND TO YOURSELF!!! This is an extremely emotional time and as one very wonderful (poke-Mike-poke) person said to me, which proved to be true, AFTER the surgery is soooo much better than the emotional roller coaster leading up to it!!!

(((hug))) if you want it girl... be extra gentle with yourself these next 3 weeks, you deserve it and it is totally NORMAL to be very emotional right now!!!