Late night...new to site... and feeling depressed - Page 3 - ThinnerTimes

triciaknox · 04-21-2005, 06:27 AM

Hi Kim, and all the other newbies,

I know where you are coming from. Even though I was a HUGE person I was very healthy and had few co-morbidities. I was really scared that they would say that I didn't need the surgery. Then I have died 3 times on the operating table in the past, so did I REALLY want to go through that??? Should I tempt fate again? Then the emotional issues were there too, abuse galore in my life, plus I really loved food. I loved making it, I loved serving it, I loved eating it. Then I took a REALLY good look at my body in the mirror, opened my eyes and made myself see me. Not a pretty sight, let me tell you. And I stood there and I said "If this is what food has done to me, well it is no friend of mine, cause a friend would not do this to another friend." You know, that has helped me so much. I am not 6-1/2 months out, down 130 pounds, and I feel GREATTTTTTTTTTTTTT! I am at the point where depression seems to hit, but I have been lucky so far and it hasn't. I can now eat just about anything I want to eat, with the exception of those things that I just can't tolerate now. I am able to do more, and I am getting a LOT of notice.........and I am still a big gal! The attention is hard to deal with, but I am making myself deal with it. Yeah, maybe I need a professional too, but I doubt I will ever go to one. I have a very low tolerance for "bull" and that is what most of them seem to dish out. Been there, wouldn't put up with it. Keep hanging in there Kim, talk to us, and, well, I would say stop worrying, but that would be ridiculous to say. Soon enough though you will be on my side and then watch out world!

Barbarajo · 04-21-2005, 07:48 AM

Jenna And Kimmy,

Past, present and future. I am dealing with the same stuff. I didn't want to have my surgery and still have the fear of losing weight. I was afraid and did self sabatoge for most of my life. Afraid of being raped again, afraid of having men look at me like property again like I was as a child, afraid of my old high school and 20's and 30's sexual desires to act out. Afraid of who I would be as a thin person. Afraid I would cheat on my husband if I lost weight. All of it.

I teach a Chirst centered 12 step program. I go there to deal with my weight loss issues. But I also have 20 years clean off of Crystal (which I used for many years and even dealt) (I originally used crystal to get my weight off as did many women that I know).

Anyway, last year while leading a great group of women through the 12 steps which is a process of looking at the past, everthing and learning to forgive and let go of it. I learned I be ok with myself. I learned to let go of my past molestation, rape, beatings on me, verbal abuses and many other things. I am not saying that it is ok that it happened. It is never ok to hurt another person. But I now have peace about it happening to me. I am done with it controlling my life. Most of this stuff happened to me a child. I am not a child any more. I am a strong 43 year old women. I am strong because of what happened to me. But I am also weak because of what happened to me. I want to work on my strengths. Today I chose a life of freedom and not fear.

It is a miricle that I have been faithful to one man for 13 years. God blessed me with a fantastic husband who loves me unconditionaly. I am so grateful for him. But we had times in our 13 years when I didn't like him cuz of what he represented to me as a sexual person. We worked through it. I am still mean to him some times and he is still mean to me some times. I notice I am the meanist to him when I am hurting physically (I have Rhemotiod Arthritis and fibromyalgia) and I am mean to him when I feel unsafe with myself.

Yesterday my husband and I were at lunch Barona buffet of all places, I have lost 46 pounds and I had on a cute sun dress on. I was looking good and felt great. I noticed that 3 guys were looking at me. Flirting a little. The usual me would have unknowingly gone and did a self sabatoge because of the attention. But this time I went back to my seat and told my husband that these guys were looking at me and flirting. He joked with me and said tell me were they are at so I can go and tell them to stop looking at my wife. I said no Dan what a great compliment it is to have them looking at your wife for the first time in a long time. This is first time I actually took the looks as a compliment. It was a great feeling.

During this weight lose so many people have been coming up to me and telling me how great I look. Men and women. My pastor knows how much this can lead me down a path of destruction. So I asked him to keep me in his prayers. I also asked many people around be to keep me in there prayers about this very issue. Prayer works. I am learning to take a compliment as just what it is.

I have learned over the past 3 years to set safe boundaries with me and men. I never put myself in a situation were I am alone with a man besides my husband. I dont' share intimate stuff with a man unless someone else it there. I even go so far as not to have a man pray for me in a one on one situation. I dont' want anything to start on my part or theirs, so I have to fight for that saftey in my life.. Not out of fear but out of respect for myself and them.

Kimmy you shared that you didn't want this surgery for vanity reasons. I am the same way. I didn't have the surgery to lose weight, I had the surgery to gain a healthy life. I was in so much pain with my arthritis and fibro that I was and still am on disability. I wanted my life back. I have many many days pre surgery that I could not leave my house because of pain and swelling. I could even go for a walk because of the pain. Now the pain is not gone, but it is much less. I walk for 1 hour almost every day, I still have some days that I can not leave the house. But they are few and far between. This past week has been a real struggle physically for me. But I know that I will only get better and better.

I also had Gerd so bad that I had the Gerd surgery about 5 years ago. Dr Potts had to undo my Gerd surgery to do the Gastric bypass and when he was done he redid the Gerd surgery to the new stomache. I was so worried that I would have to go back to life of gerd again. But so far so good. Praise God!

Anyway I just wanted to let you two know that you are not alone. There are many many women and men dealing with same past, present and future stuff. We all have fears and dreams and demons. But what you do with what happened to you from this day forward is a choice that only you can make. For me I chose to be free from my past and to no longer let it control me any more. It destroyed enough of my life already. No more. I chose to be happy from now on.

Koren · 04-21-2005, 08:30 AM

Barbara,
I too am working a Christ centered 12-step program, this one through my church. We are having trouble keeping enough people in the group to continue our studies. Is your group open to new people? I live at the edge of El Cajon/Santee/San Diego so Lakeside is not too far to travel. Tell me more, please.

Barbarajo · 04-21-2005, 12:44 PM

Korean,

I go friday night at 6:30 at Journey Community Church Celebrate Recovery in La Mesa oposite hill from Grossmont Shopping Center next to dixiline Lumber. This is our open night. I am the worship leader for the Friday nights and this Friday I am giving my testimony. We also have 12 steps that meet on Monday nights. The one womens 12 step we have on Monday is closed we are in our 4th step. But we will be opeing a new one. We would love to have you or anyone else that is interested come to our Friday night groups. We do have an open group and we talk about all kinds of issues in that group including all eating disorders.

As far as I know right now I will going to the general support meeting tonight. I dont' know if you are going but I could bring my card and we could talk if you want. Or you can email me privatly and I will give you my phone number.

CJ Skinner · 04-21-2005, 04:21 PM

well i got through the therypy and it wasnt easy ands now i am cleared for the surgury. So was it worth it"ys in the long run". It brought back a lot of memories that I have spent all me life trying to forget but i am back stable again. good luck with your journey. dont give up on yourself. remember the surgury is for you. no one else. cj