I think I finally understand anorexia - Page 2 - ThinnerTimes

bridgetgirl · 12-09-2005, 05:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Loser2be

Feeling our feelings is so very important to be able to get and stay healthy emotionally as well as physically.

I know, I cant speak for both Lisa and myself-but I can tell you Im crazy!

LisaP · 12-10-2005, 12:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bridgetgirl

I wonder if I could possibly be heading down that same path. I was talking to another stapler sister about how easy it is to choose not to eat at all. That I have total control of it. When I am upset I dont stuff my face like the "old days", now I chose not to eat at all.... its like I do it to myself on purpose, a total control issue. I read labels on foods too, count calories I dont want to give myself excess, does that make sense? Its like I do it on purpose to punish myself and that punishment is what numbs my emotions and my feelings. I know this is unhealthy thinking, but it is how Im thinking..... I dont think I need intervention or anything.
The tough part about WLS is is that with our life long battles with our weight we are trying to control something, mask something, hids from something. So now the weight is off, done with the battle, i cant hide 'cuz Im tall, slender and attractive now..... but Im still battling with how do I numb my feelings when Im upset...... does it make sense? Can anyone relate? I know its a problem to think like that, I have recognized it and addressed it, but how do you get out from underneath that kind of thinking.
Robin, what helped you?

That is exactly me as you describe above! My biggest fear is not that I won't lose the weight, it is that I will and my hiding place will be gone. I know my life is different now, I am married to a wonderful man and everything else in my life, Icouldn't ask for anything more. But I fear losing the ability to "hide" behind my weight, the fact that I will have to deal with things straight on...the attention....I am the biggest control freak ever!!!!
And the hardest part of this journey so far is learning how to deal with my feelings/emotions/life without the old best friend...food!!

LisaM · 12-10-2005, 01:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LisaP

That is exactly me as you describe above! My biggest fear is not that I won't lose the weight, it is that I will and my hiding place will be gone. And the hardest part of this journey so far is learning how to deal with my feelings/emotions/life without the old best friend...food!!

I totally agree that I've been scared I will lose the weight, and I am even more scared that I won't.

I'm not sharing anything that I keep a secret, so don't feel like I'm baring my soul or anything... but I was physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually abused by my father. I am very well aware that fat for me was the hiding place that kept me safe. (I read somewhere that more than 25% of morbidly obese women were sexually abused as children... can't verify it, though.)

The funny part is that he finally died a year ago, and I finally made the decision to have WLS six months later. Coincidence? Probably not, though I hadn't really thought about it until just now. So that explains why I can dismiss that fear most easily. My bug-a-boo is gone, and my world's a safer place because of it, so now I can finally shine.

My MUCH bigger fear is the one that comes from my own past behavior. I worry that I will over-control my eating because I've finally been given a tool that is effective. I don't want this journey to a size 6 to be manic-depressive...where I'm only joyful when I'm losing weight, and depressed and punishing myself when I'm not losing. I want to enjoy each step, not sweat it out like I seem to have done everything else in my life. Does this make any sense?

Gina in NY · 12-10-2005, 03:19 PM

and it has been a total pain in the bootie. My ability to even consider this surgery is a result of my growing past lots of my inner crap. There was a day I was asked, "What would happen if you lost all the weight" and my gut reaction was that I would dissappear. Good reason to hold onto the weight!

So for me it was a matter of learning to let go of things. Especially my parents' (and others') reactions to what I say. My parents are very self-absorbed and no matter how many times I speak the truth, they have no ears to hear me and I have suffered with that for years. Now I have trained (and continue to train) myself to say, outloud if need be, "That is their business, I can't control that" and work to actually let it go. I will even physically act as if I am wiping water off of myself - let it go - get rid of it - it isn't mine - it is theirs. I have had to learn to separate my business from others' business. So if I say X, and they don't even react, I used to feel horrible, now I let it go. I put it out there, they can take it or leave it, not my business. MY job is to speak the truth, the rest is up to them.

Everyone we talk to is working through their own experiences and their own issues, even our friends, families, husbands and kids. When they say things to us it is out of their minds, their work, their business - just because they say it doesn't make it our business. Does that make sense - I'm trying to sum up HOURS of emotional work into a few paragraphs.

Also - this may sound trivial, but yoga has changed my life too. The meditation, just sitting and not thinking, planning, filling your mind with "Stuff". All that "Stuff" keeps us from being close to ourselves and what is true to our heart. When I let go of others' crap, I realized that I got along with myself quite well and didn't need to be 300 pounds for people to see me. I became comfortable with me so that it became okay if no one saw me - I see me.

This is VERY hard to explain...

How does it relate to eating? For me it was a pity party. Poor Gina, no one listens, understands, loves or cares for her like she deserves, but this cake sure makes me feel better.

My guess is that if you are controlling food, you might be making up for all the things out there you can't control but wish you could. Could be the same need to "let go" - maybe not - I have no idea. Just wanted to share my experience.

coptergirl · 12-10-2005, 03:41 PM

OMG. I am not sure how to react right now - I think I am speechless (not for long though).

Lisa P.: "My biggest fear is not that I won't lose the weight, it is that I will and my hiding place will be gone. But I fear losing the ability to "hide" behind my weight, the fact that I will have to deal with things straight on...the attention....I am the biggest control freak ever!!!!
And the hardest part of this journey so far is learning how to deal with my feelings/emotions/life without the old best friend...food!!" BINGO! Ding ding!!

And Gina in NY: "if you are controlling food, you might be making up for all the things out there you can't control but wish you could. Could be the same need to "let go" EXACTAMUNDO!

I am the type who generally feels feelings (unless I am numb), but cannot articulate them effectively to save my life - drives my husband insane. You ladies summed up very nicely my control issues and fears. THANK YOU!

Gina in NY · 12-10-2005, 06:50 PM

Sometimes I think some of us get this surgery to force us to deal with our "issues" just becasue we are ready to. I think it is very healthy, but we need LOTS of support when the feeling come in and we haven't dealt with them before.

For myself, I am sure that the things I fear will turn out to be much less dramatic than I imagine they will be. I mean, I'm 37 years old and I've been through plenty in my life, good and bad, so what are the chances I can't deal with my feelings, really? My guess is that they'll feel new, but what could happen? I'll feel it and find a new way to cope - healthiest thing I've ever done I bet. It is more the fear of feeling new things than the feelings at this point. Part of me is like, "Bring it on! Do your worst! After all the Heck I've survived..." I know we've all been through all kinds of poop - we'll lean on eachother and be FINE! Heck, we'll be better than ever!

bridgetgirl · 12-12-2005, 01:23 PM

Gina, I love the avatar-what a great pic.

I dont miss food at all, I never felt it was my best friend... I hated it, it was my enemy it was what I used to numb myself. Shortly after I had PS (9 months after WLS) I turned to vicodin to numb my feelings, then I got to the last pill0had a short panic and then realized, "What are you doing?" and stopped taking the pills.

Now its about NOT esting to punish and numb myself... its really weird. Food has nothing to do with it, fodd is non comforting, but punishing myself is. I think I do need intervention, this kind of thinking sucks BIG TIME! I realize now after WLS food has everything to do with my obesity, I use to abuse myself with food. Now food is no big deal to me so I find other ways to abuse myself. Vicodin, alcohol, now sometimes anorexia... switching addictions is very likely post WLS, today I realize I do need therapy. OA, NA, AA where do you go to address all those things that we can become?
Its amazing all of the emotion around obesity... no I dont think its about food, I think thats the affordable, non illegal abuse we could find for ourselves to "escape" our pain and issues.

Hey when I have the answer, I will share

alikat · 12-12-2005, 02:05 PM

I think many of us suffer from an addictive personality issue. For me, I was addicted to a lot of things in life, control, cleaning, food, smoking, coffee, and believe it or not at one point before the fatness, the gym. Now I am trying to sublimate those addictive urges with healthy things, but i have to say, for me, it is not an easy journey. For example, I have replaced coke light with crystal light, potato chips with sugar free ice pops and beef jerky and sex (my poor husband...)with the walking on the tredmill.

Life is strange.