Thank you SO MUCH everyone. You all have truly touched this lady's heart.
I've been sitting here all morning trying to find the words for what I am feeling right now. Last night it had me in tears...because I just couldn't FIND the words.
I kept asking myself last night, "Why was it so important to me to reach my goal? And why is it so important to me to be able to find the words?" Well, with the morning has come some clarity for me an understanding of this layer that has been peeled back and revealed. Just like the skin of an onion, there are many layers of my life...of me....who I am and with each pound that came off another layer was peeled back.
It's been exciting for me to be able to discover the person buried below all the layers of skin. Scary at times, wondering if I could "trust" the person that I saw emerging. It wasn't a person that I knew...it was the person that 'I always wanted to be' but it wasn't a person I have ever known! She was very much a stranger to me.
Over the years of diets I recognize now that I always felt a sense of panic as I lost the weight. The more I lost, the more vulnerable I felt. I was always scared to allow myself to embrace that person because I had convinced myself that I was never quite 'good enough'...that I was ALWAYS going to fail so what was the use in trying. So I always gave up. I never reached my goals. I didn't dare to allow myself to dream because it just hurt too much to fail. This is the first time EVER that I have reached my goal and it was important to me to prove that I could do it.
Though I feel each pound gone, each layer exposed, has been a success, in and of itself and I honestly would have been happy 25 pounds ago, it was this need of 'completion' that has made getting to my goal weight important. The need to feel the completion of this part of my journey. I'm not sure if that makes any sense but it does to me. *L*
I picked my own goal weight. It was the weight that I had dieted down to for my wedding. It was the last time and pretty much the only time that I felt good about myself. It was the time that I LOVED the person that I was and the only time I felt totally complete and beautiful.
My surgeon is one of those physicians that refuses to set a 'goal weight'. My PCP is the same type of physician. They both fear, and with good reason, that if someone doesn't imake it to that goal weight, you run the risk of that person being sent into a spiral....swirling down the toilet. It made sense to me. I saw that in myself over and over again EVERY single time I had dieted. I pushed them both to set a goal for me, without success *L* but I was able to pin down a soft hearted PA enough to say...."Beth, I really don't think you will see that goal. I can't see you getting below 155." It was like dangling the carrot in front of the horse and even though he never realized it...and still doesn't...those were the words I needed to hear to drive me to keep trying.
So looking back, I have to wonder, why the change? Why were his words an impetus to not give up? In the past they would have crushed me. They would have fed right into my feelings of always just missing the mark. They would have given me reason to tell myself to just give up. If I can't make it, why even bother to try?
I think the difference is, is that even before I took the step of surgery I had found the 'words' within myself to come to peace with the person that I am. To love and embrace every single pound...every single painful layer because each layer helped to form me into the beautiful inward person that I am. I learned not to hate myself through my written word.
For those who know me, you know what an important place my poetry has played in my healing. It was what brought me to a point of understanding myself and to a place of forgiveness. Throughout my life, I have always felt this sense that the reason I couldn't make those in my life understand me was because I just couldn't find the right words. Surely, if I could find the right words, my Mother would understand how so many of her comments cut and hurt so deep. I mean she was a gentle, loving person...a person with a good heart who I knew loved me....but over and over again her actions and words made me feel as if I was a disappointment to her and I blamed myself for just not being able to explain well enough, not being able to tell her that it hurt. It had to be my fault...it just had to be, because she wasn't the type of person that would ever want to hurt those in her life that she loved.
With my poetry I realized that I really didn't need to find the words for my Mother, I needed to find them for me. For me, words mean understanding. Without the words I can't totally understand....I can't close the circle. Thus the reason for all of these words.
I really don't expect many of you to understand all of this ramble. *L* But it was just important for me to write it...to close the circle.
Thank you ALL so much for the support you give me....the unconditional love. For making me feel that I do have something good to offer others on this journey. For making me feel that I can make a difference in someone's life. That's important to me.
It is important to me to help others heal. I honestly believe it is why I was placed on this earth....and it is why I went through all the trials of morbid obesity. Through the trials of life can come good. We learn, we grow...and it is important to me to be able to embrace ALL that I am, every single layer of me, love myself and then turn around and give that love back to others who are hurting.
...forgive the book....I really just needed to 'find the words'...
__________________
Beth
Little Victories; Grand Rapids, MI
Bariatric Support Group
CherishedTeddyBear-(TT Bear Lover)
The Poetry of Milady
New Beginnings: My Journey to LIFE
359(BMI:
57.9)/
143(BMI:
23.1)
Highest/Current
Diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, high cholesterol,
peripheral vein disease, joint pain and 216 lbs
GONE!!
Century Club: July 3, 2006
ONE-derland: Dec. 22, 2006
Double Century: May 29, 2007
Goal: June 15, 2008
Lap RNY: 1/30/06-Dr Randal Baker
TT/BL: 09/21/07-Dr Ronald Ford
PS Revisions: 04/29/08-Dr Ronald Ford
Gallbadder removal: 06/09/08-Dr Randal Baker
"...if we pay attention to the fact that we can move,
breathe, feel, laugh, cry and notice sunsets,
there is cause for joy."
-Geneen Roth
/424/244
/220
DYANN
googoobear
Linear Mode
