Hershey Squirts! (A true Bear moment!) - ThinnerTimes

bigbearjeff · 11-01-2007, 01:28 PM

!!WARNING!!

This posting has graphic detail about a man, a toilet, and bad timing. You have been warned!

So things are still going well. I am sucking down a protien shake as I write this. For some reason it tastes better today. Go figure. So, some of you may recall my friend Joyce who suffered a stroke. Either way, we decided to go out for lunch today (Like I could eat anything). They had white chili on the menu, and I thought I could pretend to eat a little of that. I mean after all, Wendy's chili went down fine.

So she told me all about things with her. Good news she is going on a date. I am so excited for her. She needs this!

We talked about the surgery, how I feel, walking, etc. I picked a little at the white chili. It was like white beans, and chicken, reminded me of what people in the south call "Soup Beans". I ordered a cup of it because we all know there is no way on earth I could eat a cup of anything.. but well I thought I would pick at it. It was delish!

Meanwhile Joyce ate fried green tomatoes, cream corn, backed potato, cole slaw, and a piece of corn bread. I looked at her plate. She looked at me, and I looked at her and we both bursts out laughing. She said, "Do you want some?" I laughed so hard and said, "Where would I put it!" Well I made it through about 1/4 of the cup and was full.

So we drove around a bit. It was a beautiful day. Visited with some people etc and decided we would hit the new Good Will store on the way back to her place.

Those places amaze me, and you really can find some great clothes. Even for the big bear!

So I am cruising down this aisle and it started. I heard a little voice in my head whisper.."restroom..."

I thought, "Oh look. I am going to have a bowel movement. I remember when I used to go all the time.."

Then the voice again, "Must.. find.. restroom."

I started to scan the room when I heard my guts make that special sound that informs you that "He's about to blow!"

I immediately found a little hallway that had a door with a Men's sign over it. Of course I locked the door. After all, this is going to be a bad moment. I can tell. I open the stall and some pig has pissed all over the seat. Man I hate that! Either way, I had to make the crucial split second decision: Try and find toilet paper in the dispencer (that looked empty) or wipe it with my jacket(ewww). Well, I heard the final message "Warning! WARNING! SIT! SIT!". So I performed a gymnastic move where my jacket swung off to one arm which continued sweeping until I wiped off pee from all over the toilet. In that same motion the pants dropped and at about 4 inches form landing.. KABOOM! Splish splash! The Hershey Squirts have arrived!

There is nothing like spray painting a toilet. (Yeah yeah I know this is gross, but most of us know this is real life). So after "Peeing out my rear end" for 5 minutes (Not pretty), I decided it was time to find out if there really was toilet paper. I heard you all gasp!

I reached up inside the toilet paper dispenser and thank GOD there was paper. So I pulled out about 3 feet of it. What idiot designed the toilet paper for commercial use? That stuff is a joke. A spider web would be more productive.

Either way, I do what we all do. I wiped and well.. now my hands and arms are covered with... well muddy waters... I wiped like 3 times and then realized the reason I have to keep wiping is because while performing that incredible gymnastic maneuver I decorated the toilet seat before landing. Oh yeah.. it was that bad.

So let's just say that after spending 15 minutes cleaning up myself and the destruction I caused to the toilet I just wanted to get home and take a shower.

I leave the bathroom with my pretend dignity and find Joyce. I tell her it is time to go. Of course she lives in the opposite direction, so there I am driving with the windows down hoping not to share that "not so fresh" moment with her.

The good news. I made it home safely, and well.... I am clean.

You have to laugh at this shi.. err stuff because life really is funny =)

All the best,

Jeff

Toony · 11-01-2007, 01:45 PM

Heheheeeheee... Jeff... you can make anything sound FUNNY...

You probably lost another 5 pounds... new meaning to "water weight!"

--toony

fisher1000 · 11-01-2007, 02:31 PM

Hysterical!

Good talking to you yesterday!

Take care,

Mike

crzymom04 · 11-01-2007, 03:11 PM

i am laughing so hard at work know they all think I am crazy that just made my day. YOu are so funny

Corrine · 11-01-2007, 03:17 PM

I've had an iffy tummy for a couple of days - kidney beans

But somehow, after reading of your harrowing experience, I'm feeling much better!

Jeff - you are a total delight - I love you to bits.

I've printed off a copy of your post and I'm taking it into the bathroom with me........that was superb!

LyndasRoom · 11-01-2007, 03:32 PM

O M G!!!
I was readin along, thinking..."Oh I just MADE, Homemade white chili, (from Paula Deen's recipe on foodnetwork.com)--It was really good!)...then it hit the fan! I hope it wasn't the chili that put you under! So sorry for the embarassing situation...we told you it is a WILD ride!

VanessaSFL · 11-01-2007, 03:41 PM

ok Jeff...Umm yes it was funny but now I have to go edit my last post on what I ate today...I have to remove the Angus Burger...funny...I just can't stomach it now

Very...funny...graphic....disgusting....

FYI....Some loser chicks pee ALL OVER our seats too.

Robin W · 11-01-2007, 05:32 PM

Thank you for the smile on my face as I ROFLMAO!!!! What a perfect end to a not so good work day. I know it wasn't funny for you at the time, but by the time you sat down to post this, you must have been cracking up. Have you ever thought of being a humor columnist? You'd be great!

kit60 · 11-01-2007, 08:26 PM

I love your posts. They are so funny.

coptergirl · 11-02-2007, 02:20 AM

Is it wrong to crack up this early in the morning?! Dang - I found myself covering my face reading your story!!!