Marital Problems after GBS - ThinnerTimes

jefrach · 07-11-2007, 07:29 AM

I just wondered how common it is for post-GBS patients to have marital problems when there were no problems prior to GBS.

I have lost 75 pounds since surgery April 2. I am getting alot of attention that I didn't use to get, and I love it.. I crave that attention. This is causing strain on my marriage.

My question is.. does this attention-craving pass?

Thanks,

Rachel

eyesthatkissu · 07-11-2007, 07:37 AM

Statistics vary but around 65% of post GB marriages end in divorce. It's very difficult to overcome, because we change so greatly. My suggestion would be counseling, either jointly or just for yourself. And trying to find a way to get the attention you crave from your spouse. My husband and I almost didn't make it through. We were some of the lucky ones.

For us what it boiled down to, I was finally unwilling to accept being treated in a way that was not the best for me. I can't blame him for being confused. For all those years, he had learned certain things were acceptable, then all the sudden I changed it all up on him. He was willing to change along with me and we survived stronger and better.

I say again, counseling would probably help you greatly.

Dyann · 07-11-2007, 07:57 AM

My hubby and I had a good relationship going into this.

I was the one that changed and needed new things. Some of those things were the need to be complimented and for him to be a little territorial over me. We have always been told how nice, smart, funny etc... we are, now I need to hear compliments of how I looked and how it made him feel. He was one not to get on me about my weight on the way up, so he didn't really lavish the praise on the way down. I needed it and looked for attention from others that meant something to me (not the random person). After explaining it multiple times that I know it is vain and immature, but it is something I need right now, he has learned to play along. I in turn, don't need it that much any more as I have swung from one extreme to the other and now settled in a normal middleground.

I think if your spouse will tollerate the swings, and work with you, your marriage can survive. Yes, the need for all the attention passes. It is a new toy that you want to play with all the time, but eventually it isn't as necessary. You still like it, but not need it.

cnvh · 07-11-2007, 09:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jefrach

I just wondered how common it is for post-GBS patients to have marital problems when there were no problems prior to GBS.

If a marriage is having problems post-WLS, I think you can bet there were problems there BEFORE surgery, too-- they just might have not been so obvious before. Psychologically, there's a huge issue of "I can't do any better than this; who else would take me if I'm fat" that changes after surgery-- so if you "settled" for your partner when you were at your big size, this will obviously become an issue when you are at a normal (supposedly more attractive) size.

Some of these marriages can work, some can't... as others have said, it depends on how committed the BOTH of you are to making it work, because you will BOTH need to change-- not just you, and not just him.

As for me, I'm 7 months out, and so far-so good with the marriage... If anything, it has improved quite a bit-- we're much more active together, the sex is so much better, and I'm not as miserable as I was pre-op, so I'm sure I'm much easier to live with. My husband has done his part by continuing to compliment me a lot, and he hasn't gotten at all jealous/controlling... but I'm not behaving like a single girl, either-- I'm not suddenly going out to bars with my girlfriends, wearing slutty outfits, etc. And I make a point of telling my husband on a regular basis how much I'm attracted to him, just so he knows he's still the one for me.

The whole process is a two-way street, and it requires effort, just like any marriage. I really believe that if both parties truly WANT to make it work, then it can work, but it takes two, you know?

Claire-in-Texas · 07-11-2007, 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eyesthatkissu

For us what it boiled down to, I was finally unwilling to accept being treated in a way that was not the best for me. I can't blame him for being confused. For all those years, he had learned certain things were acceptable, then all the sudden I changed it all up on him. He was willing to change along with me and we survived stronger and better.

This describes my experience exactly. I am 3 months post op, and for us it isn't so much the craving of attention, it's that I feel so much better about myself now that I feel that I have every right to stand up to what I feel has been totally not right for 10 years. Lots of things, general attitude mostly (a bit arrogant).

I brought it up when I saw the opportunity, shortly before the surgery. And I said it again, shortly after surgery. Fortunately for me, my husband "got" it. I think he is just one that pushes the envelope, and kept pushing (basically not giving me the attention that I felt I deserved - instead, he gave the attention to his laptop, and our male neighbor for ranching activities).

Now, except for minor things that come up from time to time, he knows my position on things and has become the thoughtful person I knew in my heart he could be. We laugh and joke, and always fall asleep holding hands. He was totally supportive of wls from a health perspective, and is delighted with my progress.

Just one side note. When I brought these issues up, I was careful to take the *I* position. I told him how I felt when he did this or that. And I spoke in a soft voice - the only kind of sound that I knew he would actually HEAR. And he did.

I am shocked at the percentage of divorces. What does that say about marriage, in general? When a person betters him/herself, becomes healthier and more attractive, THIS is a threat to the spouse? WHAT? It is totally illogical, but marriage is not logical, for sure.