My First Shameful Moment - ThinnerTimes

ryker · 06-30-2007, 04:23 PM

I have finally realized how dependent I've been on food for the 24 years that I've been on this earth. I only just had surgery this last week (June 25th, Monday) and I already feel like I'm failing.

I'll start by saying that since bowel prep (last Saturday) I have barely eaten anything. I can't even eat an entire cup of the sugar free jello. I don't have an appetite at all, and if I do, I probably mistake it for soreness. Over the last 5 days since surgery, I have eaten maybe a grand total of 1000 calories (strained gazpacho, strained French onion soup, maybe a cup and a half total of the SF jello, strained vegetable soup, a few sips of the hospital broth, unsweetened chocolate soy milk, and a SF popcicle) and lost NINE POUNDS. Everything I've eaten has gone down fine. I haven't been nauseous with anything. Absolutely nothing.

However, my family has been here this last week. I love my family dearly, and I never get to see them so I am treasuring the time I have with them here. They mean the world to me. The only problem is, they've been eating out. Constantly. For all of their meals.

They've been coming home with leftover steak from Outback, baked potatoes and leftover pizza from Olive Garden.. I was fine for the first few days. I was even okay when I went out with them to UNO's Pizza for dinner a couple of nights ago. But today, I snapped.

Today, my sister and I went to visit some friends of hers and her husband's who live in the area. There were many people there. At least 7 adults and 5 children. Food. Galore.

Roast chicken sandwiches, sliced tomatoes, baked beans, pork ribs, beef brisket with BBQ sauce, whole wheat rolls, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, black beans, BBQ chips... and for dessert? Graham cracker brownies and double fudge brownies.

I feel really ashamed admitting this... but I actually started to cry while I was sitting at the table with all of this food in front of me that I couldn't eat. I don't know if I felt left out or if it finally hit me that I won't be eating normal food again for several months. But it hit me hard.

Is that normal? Did anyone else go through this? Is food withdrawal SUPPOSED to make you break down in tears? I was so upset, that I told my sister I didn't feel well and had her drive me the 16 miles back to my apartment.

I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself that not being able to eat this delicious food in front of me actually made me cry. So, so ashamed. Ashamed enough that I'm actually crying while I'm writing this post. I know I can do it. I know I can suck it up and say, "You know what? I don't need that." But I had no idea that sitting in front of a banquet of food would affect me so much. And I feel like such a loser because of it.

Am I alone?

Dyann · 06-30-2007, 04:49 PM

Things get so much better and easier when you can take in what resembles normal food. Don't feel bad as it is totally normal. Does your family know that it bothers you?? Your emotions are going crazy right now and that is par for the course. Don't beat yourself up, you are perfectly normal. I promise you will look back and this will be a distant memory soon.

MiladyB · 06-30-2007, 05:18 PM

Ryker, like Dyann said what you are feeling is totally normal. Most of us go through a time that we mourn food. That isn't abnormal or even unhealthy. Food has played a huge part in our lives and we need to go through a time when we mourn it so that we can develop a more healthy relationship with it. The other thing going on here is that initially post-op our emotions are all over the place. When our bodies break down fat it releases a lot of hormones into our blood stream. Think of it as major PMS. You know I remember a day when I was one week post-op that I just broke down and started crying. I don't even remember what set it off but I do remember it was something pretty insignificant. My family looked at me so strange. I just told them through the tears it wasn't them or anything in particular. I just felt a need to cry. So go ahead and cry away if you need to my dear. It's okay...you know what? It's even healthy. Things will eventually level out but in the mean time just realize that all of those emotions are totally normal.

pegasus · 06-30-2007, 05:29 PM

my heart goes out to you.....!!! I haven't had that experience yet, but I'm sure it's gonna be a battle for me, too...!!! this is just one of our missions--to stay on track.. and in the long run, it will all be worth it...!!! don't punish yourself for your feelings.... I'm sure everyone has this at one time or another...!!! hanger in there... we can do it...!!!!

LQQkn · 06-30-2007, 05:49 PM

that about day 7 I was sitting in my recliner and I just started to cry. I think it's normal. I freak even to this day if I have to have a lot of food in front of me, because I can't eat it. I have to use small plates, cups etc for putting just small amounts to eat. Try not to go down the shame spiral.. it's not healthy. I am sending you a big hug. Janie

LyndasRoom · 06-30-2007, 05:50 PM

Ahhh, sorry you had a lil post op meltdown. guess what? It's TOTALLY NORMAL to feel the way you're feeling. Food has been a friend all these years that never let you down...a source of comfort, never judging, never rejecting...
You've made a change for good health. It may have been too soon to put yourself in the situation you were in today. Most likely your family is eating out so you won't have to have the cooking smells around the house. Take comfort in knowing that it will get easier as time goes by...and even easier to pass up the tempting treats as your weight drops and you starting feeling soooo great! I've never heard of graham cracker brownies...I guess I'll never know them...to me it's not worth a potential dump! Hey CONGRATS on the 9 POUNDS...let's focus on the good....isn't it nice to know you'll NEVER see them again?

sdgrrl · 06-30-2007, 08:48 PM

Everyone is exactly right on the food mourning and hormone eruption stuff. It will pass, and I think you're lucky that you have been able to consume what you have! I wasn't able to eat (!) like that at 1 week out.

I wanted to tell you that Doc Potts told me that they considered losing a pound a day for the first month or so to be normal and healthy. So at -9 lbs, you are ahead of the game and doing great!

It's hell week, Sweetheart. They don't call it that because it's fun. It's okay, it's ooooooo-kay. It won't be long till the thought of all that food will disgust you, and you will find yourself craving a nice piece of broiled fish. (Honest! And I "don't like" fish!)

Be kind and easy with yourself--you've just had your plumbing rerouted.

ryker · 07-01-2007, 04:52 AM

Thanks you guys. I feel much better after sleeping a little. I still can't believe I actually cried, but I feel much better knowing I'm still normal lol. You guys are fantastic and incredibly supportive. I really appreciate all of you.

Thanks.

Hunnyblonde · 07-01-2007, 11:53 AM

This is a very tough time to be put in to food heavy situations. Like Dyann said, once you get a little further out and can eat more normal foods you won't feel so left out of the celebrations. However, that will be the time to exercise moderation and healthy choices.

Yesterday I was at a bridal shower and they had fruit, veggies, potato and corn chips, dips and a cake with more frosting than cake. I had some fruit and veggies, one potato and one corn chip (no dips). I also took a huge hunk of cake home for Lee. When I got home, after eating a healthy, protein packed lunch I had a half a forkful of the cake. Just like the one chip each. I wanted to taste it, but exercised moderation. I felt really good about my choices. You will too, it just takes time!

One more thing, it's not shameful to face your enemy and win.

AlabamaChick · 07-01-2007, 01:38 PM

Ryker, I even cried when food commercials came on TV. My whole family got to where when they would watch TV with me that the min. a commerical came on, the remote was in hand and ready to flip the channel because I had some major outbreaks of crying and then I would get angry and screwm at myself, at nobody, just scream! It was pretty bad. I had MAJOR food withdrawals. I got mad at myself because I couldn't control the feelings either. My family was very good and just handled it. I tried to explain to them how it was. I was "in mourning" as if someone in my life had died. I think we have to go through that and let that relationship with food that we know and love so much die so that we can form a new and healthy relationship with food. You will be fine sweetie. Just remember where it's coming from and don't be so hard on yourself. You will make it through. Just recognize it for what it is.