The End of the Honeymoon - ThinnerTimes

brutherford · 01-14-2005, 09:21 PM

I think I've mentioned on here in the past month or so that I find I can eat more now. I'm realizing that this is the true test of what I've been learning and unlearning in the past few years of therapy, surgery, and drastic weight loss. I noticed over the holidays that I could eat more in quantity and I still record all of my foods on fitday.com so I also know that my calorie intake has gone up. Now that the dust has settled from both the holidays and my move, I am realizing the full impact of where I now find myself and it's scary and overwhelming.

I've been snacking a lot more over the past few weeks, primarily since I moved into my own place. It's not even real snacks, but I'll have a cup of soup in between breakfast or lunch and I almost always eat something when I get home from work, which is about 11pm. I'm becoming increasingly aware of the fact that I'm eating because I'm either bored or lonely (or both), and yet that isn't stopping me either.

Part of the reason why it's not stopping me is because I also know that I consume an average of 1200 calories per day, which is a paltry amount when considering how active I am. My day starts at 6:30am with either a jog, yoga, or weight training, 6 days per week; I paint or run errands until I go to work at 12:30; I run around the school all day until 10pm. It's rare for me to watch more than an hour of tv per day, and even more rare for me to have a weekend day in which I just hang out at home. I know that the calories I'm consuming are consistent with a "regular person" who is as active as I am and who is on a strict diet and that this is why I continue to lose weight. I know that I'm actually going to have to force myself to eat more to try and stop the weightloss - I'm only 13 lbs from goal and I have at least 15 lbs of loose skin, so I'm right on the edge.

However,

I'm scared - I think I'll pass out if I ever start actually gaining weight, even if it's a paltry couple of pounds. I'm sick and tired of being obsessed with food. I'm pissed - why am I still self-sabotaging after all of the work I've done over the past 4 years?!

I'm struggling with this right now. I'm compassionate enough with myself to realize that I've made progress simply by being able to articulate all of this and to work through it without being depressed or even more self-destructive. Today's my 14th day without cigarettes, I drink my water and take my vitamins every day, I don't eat fatty or sugary foods, and I'm getting almost 100 grams of protein each day. I know I'm doing a good job... but of course, it's not good enough.

cedesigns · 01-14-2005, 10:24 PM

[QUOTE=brutherford Today's my 14th day without cigarettes, I drink my water and take my vitamins every day, I don't eat fatty or sugary foods, and I'm getting almost 100 grams of protein each day. I know I'm doing a good job... but of course, it's not good enough.

It sounds like you are going through some withdrawal symptoms. Getting off of nicotene can do some funky things, it can make you want to eat, and it can make you a bit paranoid and edgy. I don't know how long you smoked but if it was long it will take your body quite a while to adjust to not having it in your system. Nicotene is a natural appetite suppressent, it's also a stimulant (much like cocaine) when you come down off it you can really feel strange for a while. I hope you can get through this OK, because you are not really doing this to yourself. It can take a long time to get all of that stuff out of your system, especially your cells.
Carol / 5wks post-op laproscopic bypass

Suzanne-photog4fun · 01-15-2005, 07:44 AM

Be gentle with yourself.... YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, BABY!

brutherford · 01-18-2005, 07:17 PM

Carol - as silly as this sounds, your post was the first time that I thought about quitting smoking as a cause of the current stress. Duh!! It didn't occur to me before because everytime I quit in the past (usually for 4-6 months each time), I had food as a crutch. I'm trying to use the same crutch, but between the surgery and all of the new attention I'm paying to my eating habits, it's just not working.

Suzanne - of course, you're right!

I realize today that I just need to take it easy on myself. I'm battling through the smoking urges, not giving into them, and if I eat a few extra calories here and there for the next week or so, then the world won't collapse. I just need to make it through the end of the month without a cigarette and I should be okay. Thanks to both of you for making me step back and really look at the situation.

brutherford · 01-18-2005, 10:54 PM

Okay, so now I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum - I would much rather be a smoker than overweight again! I just counted my calories over the long weekend, and I went into uncharted territories. Over 2000 calories on Friday (because I went drinking on Friday night), 1600 calories on Saturday, 1700 on Sunday, and 1400 yesterday. No wonder my weight's not moving... But I feel that I have to choose between the two!

HELP!

watergirl · 01-19-2005, 08:27 AM

First off...a big ((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))

You're fears are my fears. I'm so thankful that you are brave enough to articulate your feelings for our benefit.

Gosh! Quitting smoking is the hardest thing I ever quit. It's so stressful. When I quit using the patch, I also started Fen-Phen so I wouldn't gain weight. Well, we know where that went after the Government pulled the first part. I was a mess. Trust me, the further you get from this day the easier it gets to remain smoke free.

You can't sabatoge your health (choosing to smoke) because smoking will kill you. Substituting one addiction for another is not the right road to go down (smoke virsus food). You can choose to make better snack choices during this time of nicotine withdrawal. It's a demon for sure.

Occupying your hands is a good way to avoid snacking. Want to join us for the knitting bee?

I've got nothing but love for you Barbara! I wish you much success in this battle!

Americanwoman397 · 01-19-2005, 08:28 AM

Barbara
Honey I don't know what to tell you to fix it. I can tell you from my point of view I've been doing the same thing with drinking the last month now. I've replaced the food with drinking. I've gotten my therapy up to once a week to try to deal with the things that make me drink or want food. I would say make sure you have someone to talk to about this because you are going through so much right now with your new life its a lot to take on right now. Take it one day at a time and give yourself a break you'll be fine honey.

brutherford · 01-19-2005, 10:15 AM

Thank you so much. I didn't buy cigarettes and I didn't smoke yesterday, despite being a total fiend!

I went home, had half a glass of wine and went to bed after work. I'm still battling the "which is worse" in my head, but it's just going to have to be one day at a time.

I do have a therapist and our next appointment is on Monday, so I'm going to try and stay strong through the weekend and hopefully she can give me some good advice and tools next week.

Smooches, B