changing - ThinnerTimes

lmayfield · 11-05-2006, 08:43 AM

Hello, I don't really post on the website but I do spend a lot of time reading everyone elses postings so here goes - I have been married 7 years, before I had the surgery my husband was very supportive - stayed with me the whole time in the hospital and never left my side - now here I am 15 months out from sugery, healthy and have lost 148 pounds - should be happy right? Now having to deal with insecurites as he wants his old wife back - I know its not that he wants me to be heavy, but I have found this new confidence and am getting noticed more by other men and he doesn't like it - I recently told him that I will never be his old wife again and I feel like this surgery may end up costing me my marriage. Anyone else out there struggle with their marriage after the surgery?

MiladyB · 11-07-2006, 06:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lmayfield

Hello, I don't really post on the website but I do spend a lot of time reading everyone elses postings so here goes - I have been married 7 years, before I had the surgery my husband was very supportive - stayed with me the whole time in the hospital and never left my side - now here I am 15 months out from sugery, healthy and have lost 148 pounds - should be happy right? Now having to deal with insecurites as he wants his old wife back - I know its not that he wants me to be heavy, but I have found this new confidence and am getting noticed more by other men and he doesn't like it - I recently told him that I will never be his old wife again and I feel like this surgery may end up costing me my marriage. Anyone else out there struggle with their marriage after the surgery?

Hi, I'm not struggling with my marriage but I am struggling with desiring change in my life. I think that is something many of us go through. We have had several discussions about this on the forum recently. I think the important thing is to have open communication with your husband. We do change outside and inside with this surgery and our spouses are sometimes threatened by that change. But with open communication I firmly believe that things can be worked out as long as the marriage was good before the surgery. And that the marriage is something that is important to both of you.

You both need to learn how to live with this new person that is emerging after surgery.

fitbefore40 · 11-08-2006, 08:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lmayfield

Hello, I don't really post on the website but I do spend a lot of time reading everyone elses postings so here goes - I have been married 7 years, before I had the surgery my husband was very supportive - stayed with me the whole time in the hospital and never left my side - now here I am 15 months out from sugery, healthy and have lost 148 pounds - should be happy right? Now having to deal with insecurites as he wants his old wife back - I know its not that he wants me to be heavy, but I have found this new confidence and am getting noticed more by other men and he doesn't like it - I recently told him that I will never be his old wife again and I feel like this surgery may end up costing me my marriage. Anyone else out there struggle with their marriage after the surgery?

My struggles with our marriage post surgery have mainly been because I was a great eating and drinking buddy with my husband and he just doesn't think I'm that much fun anymore in that department. But, at least, he admited it and we talked about it and he is better - I had some post op problems and during that time, he admitted that he thought it was a mistake to have the surgery - that upset me for a long time. But, it's been a change for him too.

And I hate to admit this . . . my hubby thinks I'm quite a bit more vain now (ok, I said it). It bothers him that I would NEVER wear 3 inch heels when I was heavy and I said that I'd NEVER wear them if I were skinny . . . Yeah, I lied about that . . . I love my heels. And I dress better for work, I'm not a sloppy person anymore . . . Not that he wants me to be sloppy, it's just that I think he is bothered at times that I get so much attention from EVERYONE . . . our friends comment on my weight loss, our families, his work people . . . I think he is a bit jealous of the attention.

I'm rambling - but you are not alone - keep everything out in the open - don't hold back and it will help!

Dyann · 11-08-2006, 10:04 AM

You can't help but change some. I think the dissatisfaction comes when you think there are certain problems that your weight is causing, and when the weight is gone, those problems are still there. They had nothing to do with the weight. The new confidence is great and like I have said in prior posts, we are sort of like a pendulum that is swinging from one extreme to the other, but we will settle somewhere in the middle when all the dust settles.

NewMel06 · 11-08-2006, 11:35 AM

I think that in the changes we go through post op (emotionally) we are just finally getting to our true selves. This is what I am finding about me. Before, I would tollerate things because I felt I had to. I had low self esteem like everone else, and was a more miserable person. I am finally shedding my poor self esteem along with the pounds and for the first time feel real. This cause some ruffled feathers in my marriage at first, but with lots of communication, it has smoothed itself out. Many people have a hard time with change, but give it a little time and maybe counseling if need be to work these issues out. If they are that huge and can't be worked out, then isn't it better to find this out and be the real you then to live a life being someone you're not to satisfy your husband? I wish you the best of luck!