OT-More realtionship advice needed - HELP! - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

coptergirl · 08-05-2006, 07:02 PM

Hi all -

I need your help with something (beware - this is long). DH and I have been struggling for a long time. In fact I think our relationship has been in trouble for about 4 years now (we have been married for a little over 7 years), since we haven't had sex in that long. Anyways, DH has some anger issues, unforgiveness issues, bitterness issues, and generally tends to find blame in everyone around him but himself. When we married, he didn;t drink, and now he does...not that its bad, butit is when he has a bad history. This is something he needs counseling for, and that I am happy to join him in and support him through, but he refuses blaming his unhappiness on the fact that we live in Los Angeles, and he hates everything about it.

I finally turned around and agree that it is time to move, and am looking for a compromise from him because he is dead set for moving to the Buffalo area where his cousins are (his more immediate family like mom, dad, brother, and sil are 10 minutes south of us in Torrance). I have no desire to live in the Northeast because of the severe winters (no offense to those of you who live there and/or love it there). I am one of those people who HATE the snow b/c I hate being cold and wet, and I hate the depressing bleakness that the area has during the winters. I think part of him wants to go back to his childhood, but at 41, he is not realizing that things have changed, and that he will have to shovel snow (we have a gardener here b/c he can't seem to get the desire to mow our own lawn) and actually be an adult, not a kid in the severe cold. We are at an impass. I am dead set against a move there, and he is dead set a move anywhere else, and divorce has come up several times in the last week, and today he even asked which one of us should call the divorce lawyer!! There are so many other states to move to - part of my family is in Virginia Beach, but that is pricey and he wants to buy a house and 2 rental properties when we sell our house, and mom is in Colorado, but DH doesn't like my mom so he won't even consider living in the same state (it's not as if she would drop by for a cup of sugar - I don't even have sugar in the damned house!!).

I have suggested the counseling like I said, but he refuses, and I don't know what to do. After being a product of divorce myself, and due to my beliefs, I really don't want to go that route, but could I stand Buffalo?! Should I move in the hopes of saving the marriage and with the slim hope that I'll like it? Or...or...God I don't even know. Even as I write this I am in tears because I am so confused, and I didn't know where else to turn...I can't eat cookies and ice cream or I'll get sick and be even more miserable.

Sorry to ramble and make this so long - any wisdom you, my stapler sisters and brothers could offer would be greatly appreciated...thanks for listening

Mavisavis · 08-05-2006, 07:16 PM

Awwww Whitney......I'm sorry things are going that way for you. I'm not sure what the answer is since I don't know all your situation. But I'll throw out a few random thoughts on it. But I know you will have to find your own answer and clarity, but hopefully some of us can share our thoughts and feelings and maybe give you new angles to look at. I do live in the Northeast, and it does indeed get cold and bleak (for quite awhile), then before the reprieve, comes the rain and mud.

But also we have the nicest Fall with cool, comfy weather and beautiful changing leaves........and early winter and times of a slight chill and beautiful new snow on the pine trees while you play Christmas carols. But I realized recently though, that although I have fantasies about moving to warmer climates, I would really miss the seasons. So, I think in my case that it was good that I have had too many ties here to move, as I am pretty sure mine is just a grass is greener idea. I don't know how much you would have to work or how much money and freedom you have to travel, but there's nothing better than being tired of winter and jumping on a plane and heading to warmth. It's somehow much better than always being in the warmth to me.

So, if you had the chance to leave when it got to you maybe you could handle it? But honestly, I would not even think of compromising at all unless he compromises by working on the relationship. I think it would be horrible for you to be without friends and family and just be there with your absent husband.

I really hope he is able to see you and realize what he stands to lose. We love ya.

Alleusion · 08-05-2006, 07:23 PM

{{{hugs Whitney}}}
I wish I could give you advice, I can't even figure out my own mess at the moment. You and I need to go out somewhere and have a good girl chat next time I go visit my mom

sdgrrl · 08-05-2006, 08:39 PM

When I was married and we were having a tough go (everyone has a bad year or two) we would start talking about separation, and it just seemed like such a hassle to start separating our albums (dating myself there!) and dividing up our belongings. We would finally decide to stay together. (Just too hard to break up!)

Well, eventually it got to the point where we didn't care who got the albums, stereo, and TV. That's when our marriage was over.

That's one thing--the "belongings test." Then there is the thought of your partner being sexual with someone else--do you feel your stomach lurch, or are you just glad it isn't you?

Whitney, it sounds like your husband has a whole lot of stuff to work on, like why is he so depressed? Why have you two not been sexual for more than half your marriage? And if he even hints that it's because you were heavy, hit him with a big book or a tire iron--that is a nonacceptable answer.

It seems like you are willing to do just about anything--leave your job, your friends, your home, your climate--all to follow a floundering guy trying to get back to easy by moving to the last place he felt good. Does he have a job there? Access to support: medically, physically, emotionally? To quote the movie the Graduate--"this plan of yours sounds a little half baked, Benjamin." "No ma'am, it's completely baked."

Don't cut a hole in your security net to make room for him to join you. He has to have his own. And believe someone who has tried to create safety nets for 2 different adults, it will not work. Everyone has to be able to carry their own baggage. They don't have to be baggage free (no one is that healthy), but they HAVE to be able to carry their own. It isn't fair or right or healthy to be in a relationship where the partner has so much baggage that you have to carry a couple of their suitcases worth everywhere you go.

Good luck to you, Whit--where you are is very hard. If DH goes to Buffalo and realizes that it is not the answer, you are going to have a very disappointed DH on your hands. Sounds like he has put an awful lot of apples into that basket.

And one more thing, as far as the snow goes? It doesn't just waft lazily down to a tidy pile in Buffalo--it snows and snows and snows, and snows some more. Google "lake effect snowfall." Buffalo sometimes gets over 4' of snow at a time!! Having lived in Minneapolis for over 20 years, I know what that's like, and we bowed to Buffalo's snow superiority.

hoo boy, Whit, I sure am sorry you're going through this. My thoughts are with you--this is way hard. Good luck, and maybe when you're on vacation your DH will remember why he fell in love with you and why he should stay with you. I hope so.

Grauntie · 08-05-2006, 08:43 PM

Oh Whitney...I feel bad for you. Having the surgery earlier this year and dealing with marriage issues at the same time must be very challenging

You are always so upbeat, positive and encouraging to others. Nice to know his unhappiness hasnt turned you into someone negative.

I totally agree with Marty, if you two are (and have been) having troubles, moving will not change that. It sounds like its your marriage that is in trouble, not where you live. He needs to recognize that. All his unhappiness/issues will not magically go away if he lives in Buffalo. Just the idea of having to compromise where you live sounds like trouble. You two should agree happily (I think) where you would like to move. I would not 'give in' believing the move will change him/you/your marriage. It wont. Even though he wont go to counseling (which is a red flag too) I think you should go and sort through your feelings. This sounds like a very serious matter that needs to be resolved sooner than later. This kind of stuff in our lives is so stressful and affects every aspect in one way or another.

I wish you the best. He doesnt know what he has---a wife who is caring, thoughtful, encouraging---willing to make a difference in her marriage, even though it sounds like he wont. Marriage is not one sided. It takes two.

My thoughts and prayers are with you Whitney. God Bless You.

coptergirl · 08-05-2006, 09:09 PM

Thank you all - you are my lifeline right now. Yes, I have pointed out to him that he may be happy for a time in Buffalo, but that where he goes, there he is. His problems will always follow until they are dealt with. I have the EAP brochure from work, and I was going to call them tomorrow after church so I am not at work or around him when I call. Perhaps they can point me in the direction of a marriage counselor as I do think we need help,and I am willing to start. The poor guy doesn't see that there is a difference between happiness and joy - happiness is the circumstances around you, and joy comes from within like a wellspring.

Marty - I think you are right that I need to see a compromise from him and a willingness on his part. Right now with his refusal of counselling, it feels like he doesn't give a darn about the relationship.

Jenny - (((HUGS))) right back atcha. I am totally up for girl time, sweetie

Donna - Oh wise one

I was hoping you would lend your wisdom here. We haven't ventured so far as to do the belongings test yet...just the fact that the "D" word even came up is a big deal.

Karen - Thank you for your prayers - I covet them right now!!

I will read and re-read your posts here - you are all so dear to me...this is the first place I came. Dang I want a cookie so bad (hehehe!!)

I just hate this depressing stuff and this negativity so much! I need to go to my happy place wherever that is...oh yeah...SHOE SHOPPING!!!!

sdgrrl · 08-05-2006, 09:26 PM

Regarding the cookie thing? If you are used to eating stuff like that for emotional comfort, something I have discovered is--EAT the damm thing. Cram it in as fast as you can, chewing big bites and making yourself totally nauseous! Works really well for me. (I've only used it 3 times in 9 months, during really hard stuff.) And it vividly points out to me that that is about the stupidest thing I can do with my emotional pain. Doesn't get rid of that pain, and also makes me feel horrible physically, so I don't want to go there again. Aversion therapy works well for me. Each time I have done it I have done it intentionally, and each time it has been a smaller "naughty" thing. I feel pretty confident that I will be able to let go of this coping mannerism since it has shown me that it doesn't change the problem; it doesn't make me have any earth shattering revelations that solve the problem; and it makes me feel really crappy, and I'm smart enough to learn to stay away from stuff that makes me feel crappy. (Go Pavlov!!)

Just a suggestion...

Duckie · 08-05-2006, 10:02 PM

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Whitney}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I've never been married so I can't offer advice on divorce, separation, etc. I do agree that he especially needs some counselling.
As for Buffalo, Donna is right. I am from the N.E. and I couldn't live in Buffalo. It's too freaking cold and they get WAAAY too much snow. AND I lived in Wisconsin for two years. lol It would be a major shock to your now smaller system. Think long and hard. It sounds like he doesn't want to give an inch.

Blueyz · 08-06-2006, 01:09 AM

I just got home from my sister in laws house and I am so sorry I wasn't here to respond to you. I went through a terrible 7 year marriage and an awful divorce. It isn't fun and I couldn't possibly change my ex-husband. He was abusive, on heroin, any other drug he could get his hands on, and always unemployed. I basically stayed 7 years hoping I could change him and I couldn't do it. I worked 3 jobs raising 2 kids...well 3 if you counted him and bailed him out every day. What I am trying to get at is...if you can save your marraige with counseling and you still have love for your husband, then insist. If he doesn't want to then maybe it is time to separate and let him sort things out. I know from personal experience that everything happens for a reason and you must do what is right for you. Don't sacrifice if it isn't going to do any good. You know that you have to listen to your heart. Don't feel sorry for him and move unless you know it will definately save your marriage and you really want to save it. Sometimes, we know that we have to move on and we don't want to do it because we are afraid. I don't really know how you feel about moving on and letting time take it's course, but I do know that not having an intimate relationship is rough. That alone tells you something and the drinking thing surely doesn't help. I want you to know that my door is always open if you need to go somewhere to stay. I know that we don't have much room, but I can say if things get rough, there is space here for you. Communication is key and I hope that you can work things out. Your happiness is what matters and moving may make you more unhappy.

Like Donna said....if you eat the cookies it will make you sick and you may not do it again. I eat when I am stressed and the same thing happens to me, so I go shopping instead. Hey, I know of some Parklane parties coming up..LOL

Whit...please pm me if you would like to call me. I am having surgery Monday, but after or before that I am all ears. I would love to help you through this. I am not a counselor of any kind, but I have experience with the whole divorce/ separation thing. It is very emotional and you need your friends especially now.

I am praying for your strength....take care of you...that is what really matters...YOU.

Blueyz · 08-06-2006, 01:12 AM

I forgot to tell you that I am sorry that you have to go through this and it takes a lot for you to have to post...it is very brave of you to have to share with everyone what is going on. It is not your fault at all for what is going on..just remember to keep that pretty chin up of yours.

Hugs, hugs, hugs....you are a very lovely lady.