OT-More realtionship advice needed - HELP! - Page 3 - ThinnerTimes

Gladitsme · 08-07-2006, 05:51 PM

Whitney, I'm praying for you for wisdom and strength. {{{{{Whitney}}}}}}

SPICYEYES99 · 08-07-2006, 06:14 PM

Hey Hunny, I know how you feel and if I can find my thread I posted last year I will send to you about the similiar situation but here is what I just received and I passed along to my friends but I think it's very fitting for you. I have not read all 3 pages of comments so forgive me if it's a repeat.~

Leadership That Frees

1 Peter 3:1-2
Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

"I am having a real problem with something that I need input from you guys," said the lady in our fellowship group. "My husband wants to make a major purchase that I am opposed to. We cannot afford it right now. I understand what the Bible says about headship in the home, but what do I do when I totally disagree with his decision?" The men in the group looked at each other, realizing the sensitive nature of such a question, especially in today's society.

Then someone said, "You really only have a few options if you adhere to the principle that God has entrusted the man as the leader in the home. God has placed you under the umbrella of His protection as well as your husband. There are times when he will not make the right decision. Does that mean God is not protecting you? No. There may be several things working here. God may be testing your own obedience to this principle. He may use you to open up your husband's spiritual life due to your obedience and submissive spirit. Your obedience may cost your family something, but it will be beneficial in the long term. Your alternative is to rebel and pay him back for his decision by withholding your love from him, which is often what a wife does in this situation. It becomes a vicious circle of paybacks. My suggestion is to tell your husband how you feel about his decision and the impact you feel it will have on you and your family. If he still wants to make the purchase, you must let him do it and support him. What happens next will rest in God's hand as your ultimate protector."

A few weeks later our sister in Christ came to our meeting. "I have some wonderful news. We did make the purchase. However, we were able to make it in such a way that we did not go into debt and I was able to support my husband. I have already seen a change in his attitude toward me by the way I responded to him in this. It has been a real lesson for me. I see him much more open to spiritual things since I made this decision and supported him, even though I disagreed with it."

God has made man and woman equal in His sight. Yet He has given each a different role to play in marriage. Husbands must answer to God for their leadership in the home. They will be judged for that leadership. When a wife submits to that leadership, God protects her from wrong decisions of that husband, although sometimes it may not appear that way at first.

You can trust God to protect you in your decisions that are made in obedience to His Word.

The one who calls you is faithful and He will do it (1 Thessalonians 5:24).

Love you girl!! I am always available if you need a person to talk to. PM for my cell if you want it
:-)

LisaM · 08-07-2006, 09:06 PM

Whitney, darlin'

I'm so sorry this has come up for you. This isn't exactly advice, but I hope it can be of some help.

It ain't about Buffalo -- Someone else said "escape" and that's probably part of it, but he also picked some place he knows you don't want to live. I'm sure you have mentioned more than once how much you hate long winters. If he faces you with a choice he knows you won't take, then he is not at fault when you don't go.

I'm not saying my marriage is all that--we have our ups and downs. But, due to my husband's Air Force career, we have lived snowbound for months (Montana), in desert heat up to 130 degrees (Las Vegas), in a country with seven sunny days all summer long (England), and throw in Denver for good measure. Now we live in Northeast Texas (and it's tornado season... I'm so thrilled...) It didn't, and doesn't, matter where we live, because home is each other, not a place.

So, what I'm saying is that it ain't about Buffalo for you, either.

Take comfort where you can, whether it be through us, your faith, your family, or other friends. You will make the right decision, whatever that may be. I have faith in you.

sdgrrl · 08-07-2006, 09:54 PM

If DH puts his foot down and swears he will not go to couples therapy, you go anyway--if only to get clarity on the "distribution" of compromises.

You don't say where you work,but I bet it's a good company. Make sure they have a policy that if you come back to work there within the 12 month period after leaving, they have to find a place for you at the same rate or better, even if it has to be in another department.You keep your original start date, on and on. What I'm trying to suggest that if you decide to go with DH to Buffalo and it doesn't work out (which honestly is very possible--reality rarely lives up to our dreams) you can come back to the job you had. It may not be the job you want, but it is something that will keep you above water until you settle in a permanent environment.

This is a hard time, I remember bursting into tears when the lawyer asking if my wedding nthe papers was correctand I couldn't remember it. People used to tell me, "don't worry, it will get better." Well intentioned and a lovely attempt at encouragement. I would always answer, "well of course it will--it's just the here and now that sucks AND swallows."

Please know that I am here, pm me or not, and that I will do whatever I can to make this transitional time as easy as possible for you.

Are you on antidepressants? Talk to your doc--this is a really good idea at least it will buy you a little time to line up your ducks. Kid's birth certificates, basically the things you will need to establish a new life without him. It's hard at first, but is really a wonderful thing. And just when you're getting a little self esteem back, he will hone in on it and try to get you back again. Antidepressants during this transitional time work wonders with being able to sort through the crap, important crap, important non-crab...I think you get it.

I have total confidence in you, Whitney, and I think you will find life easier without worrying about taking care of a grown man who needs to find his own personal power. Hopefully you two will be able to work things out, and there are lots of us out here who will support you. Love yourself just as much as you would care for your best friend if she was going through the same pain.

I hate self help books and think they are generally full of hooey that we can figure out for ourselves. There is however, one book that I strongly endorse--whether it's DH or just you. It gives insights into repetetive issues, and just an excellent, readable book. It is called "Getting the Love You Want" by Harvill Hendrix. Check it out--I really learned a lot of stuff about myself reading this book.

In the meantime, hang on, we're running to get underneath you so you can fall safely to the land of "Taking Care of Ourselves"

rainrain · 08-07-2006, 10:20 PM

Hey Whitney,
I just saw the post and after meeting both of you last weekend it really saddens me to think there is trouble in your brew.
I can not add much to what has been said except that you are loved and if you need anything at all do not hesitate to call.

One more thing, while I am a woman of faith, I read Sherri's post and I love what it said. It is not easy I have been married almost 25 years, I know it ain't easy!! But there is a lot of ways to allow the man to be the leader of the household. Remeber you can always influence your husband.
A line in a great movie once said " the man may be the head of the family but the wife is the neck, and the head doesn't go anywhere the neck doesn't let it." (My Big Fat Greek Wedding)

Good luck!
Rain

bloomer001 · 08-08-2006, 06:37 AM

Whitney, I'm so sorry I can't help you. I'm not married and have no advise for marriage. But I will be thinking good thoughts for you and praying. If you need me, send me a message. But you are the only one who can decide if you can move. I will tell you if you are in Buffalo the outlet malls are only about 2 hours away

(sorry had to throw that in there)

Remember, everyone here is here for you!!

Jennifer

coptergirl · 08-08-2006, 11:40 AM

I wrote a long thank you this morning befroe I left the house, and apparently it never posted

So THANK YOU to all of you who responded - you have given me much to think about. I am reading and re-reading the posts almost daily for the love and encouragement and fantastic advice from all over. I love you all...my family away from family

Duckie · 08-09-2006, 06:10 AM

we wuv you too! {{{{{{{{{{{Whit}}}}}}}}}}}

SPICYEYES99 · 08-11-2006, 12:59 PM

Here was the Devotional I read today and OMG it hit home for me and maybe it'll help you...

Remember when you want something you have never had, you have to be wiling to do something you have never done.

Everything is difficult at first.

“Now the Lord had said something to Abram, get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy fathers house, unto a land that I will shew thee; and I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing.”
Genesis 12:1, 2

Thousands will fail in life because they are unwilling to make changes.

They refuse to change jobs, towns, or friendships. They stay in comfort zones, yet thousands move up the ladder of happiness because they are willing to go through a little discomfort to experience a new level in life.

Jesus always gave people something to do and it was always something they had never done before. He knew their obedience was the only proof of their faith in Him.
Jesus knew how to stretch people’s faith. He motivated them. He helped them do things they had never done before in order to create things they had never had.
Jesus did new things.

Prayer-
“Father, help me move out of my comfort zone, and realize that in order to achieve something I have never had, I must do something I have never done before. In Jesus’ Name, Amen”.

Ryn · 08-11-2006, 01:33 PM

I know it was not intended for me, but it touched home with me as well, thank you.