OT-More realtionship advice needed - HELP! - Page 2 - ThinnerTimes

notsosmall619 · 08-06-2006, 01:48 AM

Have you guys tired the lord?? Talk to a pastor maybe sometimes what we need is just to realize what we have..The lord gives us so much everyday and it is hard at times and when the doors are open the enemy strikes hard, I know that first hand..You are right no matter where you guys go your not going be happy you will just be unhappy and in buffalo...we will pray for you guys..

AlabamaChick · 08-06-2006, 04:09 AM

Awwwww Whitney, I'm so, so sorry you are having these problems. You are such a wonderful person and have so much to give. You make me smile so much on these forums when I need it the most. Please don't let this get you down too much. I have been through a divorce after 17 yrs of marriage and I might as well had an arm or a leg cut off instead, because it feels that bad, but I did make it through and so will you, whatever happens. I don't really know what to tell you except always remember......you can't force your husband to make the choices he makes, you just have to decide whether you can live with his choices or not. It's okay to love someone and not be able to live with them any longer. My heart aches for you sweetie.....please take care of yourself emotionally and physically while you endure this.

Dyann · 08-06-2006, 06:42 AM

Whitney,

I am so sorry you are going through this. There are so many overlapping issues. First and foremost is his drinking. Nothing will be healed until the unhealthy drinking ceases, and that won't happen until he is ready for that. He will probably be resistant to any marriage counseling etc.. as everyone will tell him the drinking needs to stop. I could never tell anyone to stay or leave someone. You never know what it is really like unless you are in the relationship. If you feel he is the one you love (in the healthiest sense of the word), than I support you in doing what you need to do to help him and the marriage. Really look at your own feelings and decide if he is who you want to be with and go through this with. If you have any dependency issues of your own on him, or want to stay out of insecurity on your own part, then you need to address those as well in a location where you have support. Isolating yourself with him will make those items worse. I used to have a professor that would say, "the only good thing about Buffalo was leaving it".

I know nothing will be solved quickly. Really try to be as objective as possible so you don't chase a bad situation with decisions that make you even more unhappy.

Mavisavis · 08-06-2006, 06:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sdgrrl

Everyone has to be able to carry their own baggage. They don't have to be baggage free (no one is that healthy), but they HAVE to be able to carry their own. It isn't fair or right or healthy to be in a relationship where the partner has so much baggage that you have to carry a couple of their suitcases worth everywhere you go.

I absolutely love this analogy. I hope you don't mind me adopting it.

I too had an ex that not only handed me his suitcases, but eventually ran me over with the dump truck carrying the rest of the baggage/garbage.

This was great Donna!

Cinerbelle · 08-06-2006, 08:37 AM

Hi Whit,

I can't add better advice then has already been given. I just wanted to say I am thinking about you.

Gina in NY · 08-06-2006, 04:32 PM

You deserve to be treated like a queen darling, but I know, every marriage has its rough times. There has to be balance between you though, that there doesn't seem to be. If your heels are dug in about Buffalo and his are dug in about counceling, its not good. But if you're willing to talk about Buffalo, he needs to be willing to go to counceling - or something like that - you know what I mean? If he refuses to change anything and is suggesting a divorce lawyer, he may be telling you all you need to know. My bet is that your growth is too challenging for him - he does not want to deal with it. And I have to ask you my dear, what are you getting out of the relationship at this point? Sounds like you are doing all the work and trying so hard and he is giving you nothing. I don't know the answer, but you do.

And you are right about Buffalo - I mean I live in NY, but I wouldn't move to Western NY for ANY salary!! (Well, it would have to be close to 7 figures...)

I think the whole Buffalo thing is a distraction. Does he really think he'll be happy there? I think he's trying to escape something else - not LA...

Keep writing, I know this is terribly painful - but we're here for you and will support you in any decision you make and we'll be here every step of the way!

HUGS!!

Bypassingme619 · 08-06-2006, 05:34 PM

My Dear Whitney. I wish I had the magical answer for you sweety. Sit down and do some serious praying. Ask God to show you the answer. My opinion would be to at least give it a "try" in Buffalo, so in the end you can say you did try it his way to make the marriage work. Whitney if the love is still there work it out but if the two of you are so unhappy that the two of you are just making eachother misareable, GO YOUR SEPERATE WAYS. Life is too short and being married is a team effort. Not just one of you can be working on it to make it right, your husband is going to have to step up and show you that he is ready to make this right. Whitney my prayers are with you and I hope you find some peace when it is all said and done. BIG HUGS.

Ryn · 08-06-2006, 06:51 PM

Whitney,
I cannot add much as I have never been married, just a long and tiring relationship, besides others have said things better than I. My prayers are with you. I hope things work out for the best (it may not seem like the best at the time, but after times passes you will see) whichever way it turns out.

pambragg · 08-06-2006, 07:19 PM

Whitney,
There has been some awesome advice given here and a lot for you to think about. I know you are a spiritual person and right now you may want to give this over to Him. My thoughts and prayers are with you sweetie. Loving hugs coming your way. (((((Whitney)))))

Stugots · 08-07-2006, 05:35 PM

Whitney,

I have some advise for you. First off I usto be from Buffalo NY. I lived there for 25 years and as soon as I had the opportunity to get the heck out I packed my bags and ran as fast as I could. Buffalo is dying or maybe dead already. There isn't alot to do there (like cali.). Your hubby dosen't know what he is getting into out there. I was there through the blizzared of 77 and 85 talk about horrible. He dosen't know what all intails in being a buffalo person. winter is from Sept.- March and then it becomes summer and the summer is muggy and hot. There is no in between...During the winter you get up in the morning start your car and prush it off for like 15 min. Then you have to dig yourself out of where the plow packed you in. You are now freezing and you get into your car to go to work. After work you must repeat all the steps I just told you because it is still snowing. Now the summer is better but instead of snow you have rain and you can't plan anything to do outside.

I can go on and on about buffalo. But you tell your husband that there are many different cities in many different states you 2 need to compromise. Also from my own experience people won't change until they are ready to and it sounds like hubby isn't. Good luck