Stacie's Journal (stakeda) - Page 5 - ThinnerTimes

Jeanie · 12-07-2004, 09:00 AM

Hi Pam,
How are you doing? How is the weight loss going. I have lost about 70 pounds. Not to bad huh??
I will be at the X-mas party at Dr. C on the 16th. Also good luck with the hang over.
On Thanksgiving I had two sips of wine for our toast, and I was drunk. So one drink should put you over the edge. Have a great time at your party, and I look forward to seeing you on the 16th.

stakeda · 12-07-2004, 09:02 PM

Well, I've really been so busy lately. I traveled Wednesday through Sunday last week. I worked straight through. I'm pooped.

I really miss my friends on the forum. It seems that I have disconnected a bit.

Jeanie,

Thanks for your note. I didn't realize that there was a party on Saturday. I'd love to go. Where is it??? Let me know. I think I've lost about 70 lbs just like you. Seems like we're in the same boat. I'm so glad to hear from you Podmate. You are often on my mind.

So anyway...I have an issue that has to be dealt with right now. I'd really appreciate some feedback from my members of the forum.

I have not received any child support for my kids for most of the 11 years that I've been divorced. Recently, I found out that my drug addicted ex-husband has sobered up and moved in with his brother & wife in Oahu, HI. He now has 3 jobs and is contributing to society. Well, "good" I say. But, then I received a letter from the District Attorney's office. They explained that I will start receiving child support in about 4 to 6 weeks. Well, needless to say, this SHOCKED me!

Well, I want you to know that, in history, I would have GLADLY taken the money, without remorse. But, for some reason, I felt compelled to make an alternative decision. I really felt that I didn't want to kick my ex when he was down. But, my best friend and my sister were REALLY upset with my decision. They felt that I need to collect all that I can for now. They feel that "he owes me". PERIOD. I spoke with my mom, whom I thought was going to agree with my sister and my best friend. But, to my surprise, she agreed with me. She felt that the benefits I receive will be "short lived". I would possibly be "investing in my kids future" by not taking his money. My sister & my best friend have VERY FAIR ARGUMENTS in regards to this subject. But, I feel that my mom and my dad have VERY FAIR ARGUMENTS in regards to this situation.

I would really appreciate any feedback on this subject. I feel torn.

My kids feel that 6 months of me sending the money back to him to help him get back on his feet would be acceptable.

By the way, I have asked him to send my kids an envelope monthly with money in it. Not only to help my kids see that their dad really loves them enough to contribute to their livleyhood, but also to contribute to his own self-esteem. He agreed.

How do ya'll feel about this?

Blueyz · 12-07-2004, 10:03 PM

Stacie,
That is a very tough decision. My ex-husband has been in prison and never paid a penny of child support. I know that I would make him pay only because he will not give up the 1% custody that he has. If he gave it up, I wouldn't have the district attorney after him. My kids want nothing to do with him and it is absurd for the courts to give him 1%. He doesn't even have visitation rights.

What I think is if you give your ex an inch, he may take a mile. He may be sobered up now, but what about in 6 months?

Whenever my ex gets out, he goes right back in. He always claims he will straighten up, but never does. I don't know your ex so, it is hard to tell. You are very smart and it is your decision. I know you will do what is right for you.

Butterfly · 12-07-2004, 11:01 PM

Well Stacie, I have to tell you that I have accepted the money that I can get from my ex-husband. He always vowed to be there for the kids even though we're divorced. In June of 2002, he remarried the wicked witch of the South, East and West. She along with their drinking problem, convinced him to move away from California and they now live in Colorado. He let the kids know that he was leaving and moving out of state in about a 45-minute visit. That was the last time they ever saw him or heard from him.

Basically, he ran away from his responsibilities, so with the help of my WONDERFUL husband, we located him in Colorado and gave all of the information to Family Services. He did not work for one year, but was receiving letters from the courts of San Diego as well as the Federal government. Bill and I want to adopt each other's kids, so Bill played private detective and drove to Colorado to find him to have him sign papers over to Bill. My ex refused to sign them and ended up getting a job as soon as Bill returned home. As soon as his social security number got into the system for Federal and State taxes, Family Services proceeded to take money away from his paycheck to start paying me the arrearages he owes. I don't feel sorry for him or his "wife" that he's not getting the measley $230 taken away from his paycheck. To this day, he still hasn't contacted the kids and it's been a year and a half. We're still pursuing adoption procedures and hopefully that will be done in the beginning of next year. At the time that Bill becomes the kids' legal dad, my ex won't have to pay child support but he will be responsible for paying me the $10,000 + in arrearages.

Stacie, every situation is different. If he had not acted in the manner that he acted towards his own children, I would have probably done the same thing that you are considering doing. But because he is married and has a wife that works and because he chose to "run away and hide" from us, I will take what I can get from that you know what.

All I can say, is pray about it Stacie. You will know the right thing to do.

Jeanie · 12-07-2004, 11:38 PM

Bridget knows more of the details on the X-mas party. I am pretty sure that her and I are going to ride together. Hopefully you can make it I would love to see you.

watergirl · 12-08-2004, 07:41 AM

My initial thought was, what is in the kids best interest. I can see both sides of this issue.

Your ex-husband is sober, making money, making the attempt. He needs some responsibility for his children. "By the way, I have asked him to send my kids an envelope monthly with money in it. Not only to help my kids see that their dad really loves them enough to contribute to their livleyhood, but also to contribute to his own self-esteem. He agreed." I think this is a great way of doing this.

You have done a wonderful job raising your kids, they are good kids! Never loose sight of that accomplishment Girlfriend! You now make 6 figures, Congratulations again! I understand that you don't need his money now. By allowing him to give the kids something from him monthly is a great idea.

You are very intellegent and I trust that you will come up with the right solution for your family. My thoughts are with you!

Christina · 12-08-2004, 09:02 AM

Stacie,

I completely understand where you are coming from. The matter of the money is the principle not the monetary value. I think having him send money to the kids each month is a great idea. Your heart is in the right place. However, as you know a lot of people don't really change forever. Before I lost my twins, John and I had many discussions over this. Him being a cop and all was all afraid that I was going to have him pay through the nose. However, I told him that I would love nothing more than for him to sign his rights over to me and be done with him once and for all. He of course wouldn't go for that knowing that twin girls would be a chick magnet. So his briliant idea was to split the girls up and each of us take one for a year at a time or he have them half of the year and I have them the other half. First of all, I would never have considered letting him have my girls in another state by himself. With all the women that walk through his door I didn't need my children getting confused. I just know that he was a complete jerk off and even though I would have had the right to take him to the bank, I decided I didn't want to. The main reason I didn't want to was because if I made him pay child support, I knew he would make me allow him visitation rights. He works 12 hour shifts, which one of his "hoe's" would be watching my kids then?? Ya know?? I know that isn't your situation but what I am saying is that if you feel it will benefit your children and him then do what you need to do. However, you should make this contingent on the fact that he write the kids or call them as well, so that he is communicating with them other than monetarily. Also make it contingent on the fact that he stay clean and sober and if he messes up, he loses his "free reign" does that make sense?

I am just glad I am not in your situation. Good luck to you girlfriend.. let us know if there is anything we can do to help.. love ya!!

bridgetgirl · 12-08-2004, 02:40 PM

such a touchy issue girlie...... this is what I do... Elijah's dad is here in town and working as a security guard at a bank... he cant be making more than $12.00 an hour. He has his bills and rent, etc.. I know his bills are not my monkey

BUT when I had Elijah full time I never asked for child support. Vinny for the most part is a fantastic father, and I knew taking any money away from him would directly effect the things he was able to do for Elijah, ie taking him on trips, renting jet ski's, going to the movies, shopping... whatever and to me that was priceless, Vinny sacrificed alot to be a dad to Elijah... giving up his carrer in the Navy and avoid being sent over seas, and I appreciated that...... but what kind of relationship does your ex have with the kids? can you put a price on it? I bet you can.... but I can totally feel the other side of what is going on in your mind. Isaiah's dad does not live here and abdonded us when I w as 8 months pregnant..... fair enough, shame on me and my poor judgement, right? I have mixed feelings regarding support with this situation because I enjoy not having to be accountable to his dad, I raise him they way I want to... and so far I have to say I have done a great job, he's a great kid without a dad or child support, but then the scorned part of me wants to rake him over the coals for hiding out and thinking he could just ignore his responsibilities... so far he has done a pretty good job of it... he is still MIA!

I wish I could guide you on this my friend, but maybe sharing my thought processes may help. I do think that your obligation is to your kids, not helping your ex get on his feet.. he's a grown man that is his responsibilty not the kids. Perhaps keeping the courts out of it, and just having him promise to send out XXX amount of dollars to the kids each month would mean so much more to them... and you. Good luck sugar pea!

Dara · 12-08-2004, 04:49 PM

Stacie:

Child support is never a black-and-white issue...it's all gray. It sounds like your idea for your ex to send envelopes with money every month is a GREAT solution. However, a word of caution. If you haven't already done so, please make certain that you still follow through with a court order. This will ensure that if your ex decides to stop contributing, you can legally protect your children's rights to support.

In my case, I was stupid enough to let my daughter's father talk me out of filing for support for 11 years! He knew I was vulnerable and used my feelings for him to escape a court order until Megan was 11. I always thought that I could file for back child support at any time and get it. WRONG. I found out the hard way that you cannot collect child support and arrears until there is a court order in place. I gave up 11 years of support that Megan could be using right now for college expenses.

Please don't forget that your children deserve that money and may need it in the future.

Anyway, it sounds like you have everything in control. Good luck.

stakeda · 12-08-2004, 06:35 PM

Well, I really appreciate the feedback from all of my friends on the Forum. I really love ya'll. It helps to see other's prospectives.

I do have a court order and have since my divorce. He was ordered to pay a measley $323 per month for BOTH kids. He never has. He owes me a lot of money.

I'm still weighing the pros & cons. Right now I'm feeling like I need to keep this money for my kids. It's their money, not his. My son completely changed his view on this. He's decided that his father needs to step up to the plate now. My daughter totally disagrees. She feels that we shouldn't kick a man when he's down. So, the house is divided in this subject. I don't know.

I'm going to see my therapist on Friday at 4:00 pm. I'm going to hear what she has to say about this.

Everyone had really excellent points. All of them make perfect sense in their own way.

I'm so confused.