Stacie's Journal (stakeda) - Page 3 - ThinnerTimes

Christina · 10-20-2004, 08:40 AM

Stacie,

Your post was so honest and sincere. Your thoughts and tribulations made me cry. I feel so much pride for you when I realized that you are asking for help instead of hiding from everyone. That means that you have identified there is a problem and that you don't want to even go there. You are going to be fine my friend.. just keep working out or whatever it takes to keep from taking that drink. We love and care about you too much to allow you to go on like that. You are a wonderful Mother don't even worry about that. You adore your children and they know it. Sometimes you give them much more then they need and that may be your way of compensating for what you lacked as a child?? It's ok though... they only grow up once and I think you are doing a great job with them. I cannot relate to your post as my Dad is just the greatest man in the world.. however, I'm not even going to get into a post about my Mom. My brother as well is a heavy drug addict and has been since he was in Jr. High. He is currently 23 or 24 years old and waiting to go back to Prison. He nearly killed himself and another person while driving under the influence of methamphatamine.. and of course My MOM blames the court system for not being FAIR TO HIM!!!!!!! Grrrrrr sorry wasn't going to go into that.. lol Either way Stacie, know that you are not alone girlfriend.. and we are all here for you. I will take you to those AA meetings if you want or need to go yourself.. I love you girl.

Pam,
I am so sorry to hear about your Mom. (((((((((Big hugs)))))))))) and know that you are not alone either.. we are here for you to lean on any time you need us.. Love you girl..

watergirl · 10-20-2004, 08:48 AM

I think we all need a big (((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))

stakeda · 10-21-2004, 08:15 AM

Why do I have so much drama around me? Why do I get involved in the drama? Why did I have a glass of wine last night? What's going on with me?

I just got off the phone with my brother's ex wife, whom has been clean and sober for about 7 years. Well, I think she was drunk. This is the second time in about a month that I have suspected it from her. The first time, I thought maybe I was mistaken. But, this time I'm almost sure I'm right. There are too many signs. I'm so upset and disappointed. I was so proud of her.

So what did I do? I called my sister, whom was obviously recovering from her binge last night. What does she say to me? "I thought you were going to not worry about everyone else anymore?" Translation: Stay out of our lives and let us stay drunk for God's sake!

Okay. So, the "writing is on the wall". I need to separate myself from all of these people for a while. Because I'm never going to heal properly until I get away from the chaos.

I then called my mom. She, although has issues of her own, I feel has the best advise, which is what I just said. Separate myself from al of the drama and concentrate on me.

I think all of my friends on the forum are the healthiest people I know. I am thankful that God placed all of them into my life. Never have I been so honest before. Never have I felt so non-judged. Never have I felt so safe.

Well, I fell off the wagon last night. But, I got up this morning and worked out for an hour. I feel good. I'm going to pick myself up by my boot straps and start over again. I'm not a quitter.

Christina · 10-21-2004, 08:45 AM

Stacie,

Everything you do to better or change yourself can only happen one small step at a time. Speaking out was a HUGE step all at once.. you just focus on you and do what you knew you had to do.. step away from all of the drama and focus on Stacie!!!

We're all human, we will make mistakes, we will fail at times.. but the failures are not what matter.. what matters is what we do after we fail.. if we pick ourselves up and get back on track we have not failed at all then.. only stumbled.. just remember you are not alone. We do love you and your utter and complete honesty.. you are such a valuable person to me.. and I know others feel the same..

Take care Stacie.. we're here.

pambragg · 10-21-2004, 08:51 AM

Hey Podmate
YOU are the most important person in your life. You have made sacrifices and put others first in the past. It is time for you to put you first. You are a very special and deserving woman. As a parent and a daughter I know what it is like to place others before yourself. But we both need to learn to let others help themselves. Anything worth having is worth working for. If you ever need a shoulder please call me. You are very special to me and I hate to see you hurting. I love you podmate, big hugs.

stakeda · 10-22-2004, 05:58 PM

So, I went and saw my therapist this morning. We really got down to the nitty gritty today. After speaking with my siblings, many memories have begun to fly through my head.

Okay ya'll, if you don't want to hear graphic truth, just click off now. Because I'm going to tell you all the truth about some of my past that I have been in denial about.

I was very little. Maybe between five and ten years old. I remember laying on a couch. Actually, I remember being forced to lay on a couch. I was crying. I remember a lady and a man holding a paddle or a belt, threatening to spank me. I remember that it's Joe & Jean, long term family friends of my parents. I remember where everything sat. The T.V., the sofa, the dining room table, the plants, etc. I almost remember the smell in their house. I don't know if I was being forced to take a nap. Or, if it was something MUCH worse! So, I called my mom and reminded her of a story she told me. She had told me that "Joe" had been molesting his daughter since she was twelve years old!

"Oh", but my mom said, "you don't understand.....Cathy liked it. She was all over Joe. You should have seen how she would climb up into his lap. It was disgusting!". WHAT?????? What the Hell are you talking about MOM? How could you blame an innocent child? My God! WTF? So MOM, if he molested his own daughter, what makes you think he wouldn't molest me?????? Oh my GOD....was I molested?

I don't know what to think. My therapist feels that it's funny that I don't remember very much from my childhood, but I remember these incidents vividly. I'm confused. And I can't cry. I don't know why. Put a "Lifetime" movie in front of me and I'll cry my eyes out. But talk about this kind of stuff and I don't shead a tear? WHY??????

Butterfly · 10-23-2004, 07:18 AM

Stacie,
I'm feeling your pain right now. I'm sorry about your childhood memories. No child should have to go through that. I'm so glad that you decided to talk about it though because you're one step closer to understanding why it is that you can't cry about it. We love you Stacie and are here for you whenever you need us. So what if you had a glass of wine? You recognized what you did was not something you want to continue to do. Don't beat yourself up for it. If you need an ear to listen to, call me! Send me an email and I'll give you my phone number friend.

Blueyz · 10-23-2004, 09:27 AM

We are all here for you girlfriend. I am so glad you are able to go to therapy and discuss what you are thinking. I just want to let you know you can call me or email me anytime. I will be here for you. We can chat and eat chili lime almonds together....a few that is! Take care of yourself my friend and remember you have a huge group of friends that are here for you.

stakeda · 10-24-2004, 07:08 PM

Okay, so today was the worst day in the history of man.

See, my niece came to visit me. This was the daughter of my drug addict brother and my sister in law that I suspected of drinking again. Well, my WORST suspicions came true. I finally convinced my niece to tell me the truth. YES, my sister in law and her husband were using again. Yes, they are drunk and addicted again. Keep in mind that my niece had to come live with me when she was five years old because my sis in law and my bro were using and way out of their minds. My niece, awefully troubled, was dropped on my door step at the age of five. My sis in law, whom I LOVE, was in prison. My bro, whom I have no respect for, dropped her off on my door step, for a family visitation, and never came back. So, I kept her for a while, then her grandma took her, then she ended up with my sis in law's family. These people mistreated her. I feel so guilty for this.

Anyway, Nicole (my niece) is back into the same situation again. It's not her fault. She didn't ask for this.

I called her mom & step dad. The step dad admitted to everything. Her mom remained in denial, kinda. She admitted guilt, then she denied, then she admitted, then she denied. I don't know what to think. Except for the TRUTH. She's drinking again. She can deny it all she wants, but she's drinking again.

So, they came to get Nicole tonight. Her mom looked like $hit. She is bloated and tired looking. She's drinking again...No denying it. There is nothing that CPS can do to help me. There is nothing the Police Dept will do to help me. There are no bruises or obvious signs of neglect or abuse. So, there is nothing I can do.

I love her. I feel defeated.

Butterfly · 10-24-2004, 10:27 PM

Stacie,
I will keep you, your niece and your family in my prayers. If nothing else can be done, maybe the power of prayer from all of us will help during this difficult time. You know...they say you should always go with your first instinct and you were right! Don't let this get you down though. Know that things will get better. Remember that we're here for you Stacie.