Stacie's Journal (stakeda) - Page 2 - ThinnerTimes

stakeda · 10-17-2004, 05:50 PM

Today is Sunday. Since one of my employees is on vacation I was supposed to work today, but too bad... I didn't feel like it. So, I didn't. Gosh, everyone needs a day off, right?

Anyway, I spent the day with my 14 year old daughter, Amanda. We got her hair cut, waxed her eyebrows, and shopped a little.

When we finished grocery shopping, Bridget called me. We were talking about our Halloween costumes. Bridget finished her "Wonder Woman" costume. She's excited. I'm excited for her. This is a milestone, being able to pull off a costume like that. Then we began to talk about "the guy from Stuart's party". I explained to her that I spoke with him last night. He wasn't what I expected. See, I've always dreamed of a guy that would be interested in me, as a person. Not my sexual side or interests. Don't get me wrong, I'm a VERY affectionate and sexual woman, but that's not what I want a man to focus on. I want him to focus on treating me like a "LADY". He seemed nice enough, but I felt some RED FLAGS showing up during our conversation.

Is this just my insecure side showing up? Or is this guy just looking to "hit it"? I don't know. But what I do know is that "if he's looking for the goodies, he should keep looking, cuz they're staying in the jar".

(That one was for you Bridget)

Americanwoman397 · 10-18-2004, 08:46 AM

Well guys Aaron and I had so much fun at the party on Friday. We didn't want to leave but he had to go to work.

You guys gave me such a big head that night telling me how good I looked. You know I think its actually making me see the skinny girl inside. I went home and just looked in the mirror for like 5 mins on how much I've changed.

Bridget, Stacie, Kim, Dale, Christina and Stuart you guys all looked great and thanks for the good time.

Stacie girl you look great so I bet there was more than one guy there who wanted your number.

bridgetgirl · 10-18-2004, 11:45 AM

I am glad you just posted about your thoughts n stuff, I'll try not to hijack your diary too often BUT last night I was on the phone with GB and he told me I am a control freak... I told him no way am I control freak, and what he meant, I needed an example, etc. I didnt know what he was talking about, but then I just read your post... I am a control freak! I lose it so easily when things dont go as planned, I hide it, I laugh about it, I mask it, because MY life is good... blah,blah, blah.... man.... I am so happy that I finally went to counseling... I need to tell her about this! I am ina constant state of tug o war with my emotions... when will it stop, sometimes I think I need a miracle as well as a therapist. Thanks for sharing.... I appreciate it and you you sugar pea!

brutherford · 10-18-2004, 09:11 PM

I just want to say that you're doing a great job, Stacie. I started dealing with all of my childhood/family drama about five years ago, and although I am much more happy and emotionally stable now, it took a few rough patches in order to pull through. I don't envy the work that you're starting right now - but know that you are doing exactly what you need to do in order to make this a lifetime change for yourself. I very firmly believe that the best indicator of our long-term surgery success is how emotionally honest and stable we are. Dealing with the issues of why we turn to food for comfort is essential to not being in that place again.

If you ever need someone to talk to about this, please feel free to send me an e-mail or give me a call (Bridget has my number too.) Believe me, I've probably heard it before - my family is a disaster, and I've learned over the past four years to set good boundaries and deal with the aftermath. I'm currently working on an altar for the Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) holiday, and although the altars are usually dedicated to someone in particular, I've dedicated it to child abuse and neglect. I've been putting the altar together with photos, journal entries, etc., so I'm right in the middle of all of this right now if you need a friend to talk to.

Keep up the great work, Stacie!

stakeda · 10-18-2004, 10:35 PM

Today is Monday. Monday's are so hard for me at work. I have reporting pressures to upper management, answering why we aren't hitting the numbers they are expecting, etc. Arggghhhh!

I'm having a hard time with alcohol. The first thing I want to do when I get home at night is pour a glass of wine. I've been this way for about a month now. I kept to myself about it until last week, when I finally confessed this to Bridget, Kim, and my best friend. I need to stop this insanity! If it's not one addiction, it's another. Why do I have such an addictive personality?

Well, I can give you a little family history that might explain it.

My grandmother (on my mom's side) died at the age of 44 from Serosis (sp?) of the liver. She was a full blown alcoholic. My grandfather (on my mom's side) was a full blown alcoholic until my grandmother died. He had to be put into an insitution to sober up. He hasn't had a drink since. He's over 80 years old, bless his heart.

My mother, although not a drinker, is REALLY addicted to perscription pain meds. She would adamantly deny this. But she is definitely addicted and has been since as long as I could remember. One of my main memories of my mother was that of her taking pills, closing the door to her room, which was very dark, and sleeping for hours at a time. I love my mom very much. But she was raised by two full blown alcoholics who would drop her off at the picture show and leave her there all night long to watch the movie over and over while they went to the bar. She didn't have a role model to teach her how to parent. And she has never been to therapy to resolve her childhood issues. So, I feel she just keeps numbing them. She needs to stop the insanity and heal herself.

My father is addicted to food and religion. God bless him. I love him, but I think he's going senile. Drives me nuts sometimes. I'm worried he may be suffering from the beginning stages of Alzheimer's Disease because every time he talks to me, he tells me the same story.

My sister, Leeanne, is an alcoholic. She drinks every day, even in the morning. She denies this also, but I've seen it with my own two eyes and when she talks to me in the morning she is slurring in her speech. Either she is still drunk from the night before, or she's already been drinking in the morning. I guess the later due to my whitnessing her do so. I love this sister so much. I have asked her to go to therapy at the same time as me in order to get to the bottom of it. I have also asked her to go back to church and go to AA. She hasn't done any of it yet. I hope she will come around.

My little brother, Matt, is a major drug addict. He hasn't been consistently clean since Jr High, I don't think. He lies, steals, etc. just to get what he needs to buy his drugs. I love him, but I've had to cut him off financially and in some ways emotionally. I'm sorry Matt, I love you but I can't enable any longer.

Okay, so you all know my family history of addiction. I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically. I don't want to be an addict of anything. I just want this all to stop. All of the cravings to cover up whatever it is that we are all trying to cover up. Help me!!!

watergirl · 10-19-2004, 08:00 AM

Your honesty and pain came through the computer and really touched me, I'm in tears. Bridget, you and I had very similar situations growing up, maybe there are more among us that can also relate.

Know that you can rise above your family drama through therapy and better yourself. Next time you want to pour yourself that glass of wine, you call me. We'll virtual walk together, or talk, or I'll teach you how to knit to pass the time. What's important, is that you figure out what's triggering the need, just like with eating when we're not hungry. This is what takes time to figure out. It's hard work.

Stay strong, hold your course, and lean on us when you feel the need.

Americanwoman397 · 10-19-2004, 08:11 AM

Yes stacie you may come from all of that but you are a better person. I mean I know for a fact you are a better parent than your mom ever tried to be. When you get home from work and want the wine have you ever thought about giving one of us a call to let us talk to you. Maybe we can see something you don't on why you want the wine. If you ever need to talk remember we are here. You can pick that phone up night or day and call me. I would be glad to help in any way I can.

Just remember stay strong and this to shall pass.

stakeda · 10-19-2004, 11:34 PM

Today was a productive day at work. I'm feeling quite accomplished.

Then, instead of drinking wine, for the third night in a row, I went to work out at the gym. It feels good to work out all of my stress. Those endorphins are a great natural high.

I spoke with my sister, Leeanne, tonight. I have invited her, once again, to share this emotional discovery with me. She says she'll come on to the forum tomorrow. I told her to be prepared. She may not like what she reads. But these entries are just my perspective. This isn't about her, my mom, my dad, my brother, etc. It's about me and my journey. Whoever doesn't like it, I'm sorry.

So she explained to me what she remembers about being a child. She remembers my mom shut up in that dark bedroom of hers ALOT. She remembers receiving the "Pig Of The Week" award from my parents, every week. She wasn't very tidy. But, in my opinion, they humiliated her weekly with this award. For that, I am angry with them. This could have been handled in a much more productive fashion. I feel it affected her self esteem. Not to mention the fact that my mother always introduced the two of us to strangers as the "pretty one" (me) and the "smart one" (Leeanne). What kind of $hit is that? Hell, she was a beautiful girl and I was very smart. Why did my mom have to label us like that? Do I do that to my kids? I need to check myself because if I do, I need to stop! That can really screw someone up. She reminded me of some of our good times with our parents, like our family vacations. But, you know what I remember about those family vacations? I remember playing with my siblings and friends. I barely even remember spending time with my parents on them. Hummmmmm....

Well, enough for tonight. It just started to rain again. I really love the rain.

pambragg · 10-20-2004, 08:49 AM

Stacie,
You are an incredible lady. I am in tears after reading your posts. That you can see all this and are taking steps to rectify things is wonderful. I have a lot of family issues that I have not examined too closely but I know the time is coming when I will have to. My mom, who is also my best friend, was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease last week. This is something we suspected, but having it confirmed officially has been really hard for me. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need anythng please let me know. Big hugs. I love you Podmate

MaryClipper · 10-20-2004, 09:25 AM

Stacie,
You are very brave to enter into this period of self discovery and to share it with others. One thing we all share is screwed up families, all to different extents. The thing that is important is to examine your past, deal with it, learn from it so that you break the cycle with yourself and your children and then most importantly let it go. This is the hardest part of the process. You have to forgive those that we less than perfect (your parents) and move on with your life not allowing the past to rule it. Again this is the hardest part.

Good luck on the rest of your journey. I am proud of you for putting that wine glass down. You are using it to numb your feelings like food used to. You will never heal until you feel the feelings and learn to deal with them. I know easier said than done. Keep up the fight and get help if you need it.

I know of what I speak, I am a recovering MO, who was sexually abused as a child. I am married to a recovering alcoholic who was emotionally and physically abused by two alcoholic parents. So we have done a lot of healing and recovering over the last few years and are breaking the cycle in our lives as to not continue it with our children. Isn't that the whole point?

Much Love,
Mary