Stacie's Journal (stakeda) - Page 11 - ThinnerTimes

triciaknox · 01-13-2005, 06:26 AM

Stacy....or her sister,

I can definitely understand and appreciate what you just said. I was married to an abusive husband. At the beginning (after we married) he would get violent. I didn't leave him, I threw him out. He came back promising to get help and change. Well, he did. He became more wiley and used mental and verbal abuse after that. He did it in a way though that I didn't even realize what he was doing. After 18 years he decided that he didn't want to be married anymore and moved out. The day he told me that he indeed wanted a divorce I posted my resume online (at my best friend's insistence). Two days later I had a job offer, here in California (I was in Tennessee at the time). Two weeks later I drove here from Chattanooga, TN and finally met my best friend (we had been pen pals for years). He is a great guy and has worked very hard to build my self-esteem up. I was a mess. I actually believed that I wasn't good enough for anything, not smart enough to even push a broom! Funny thing is I have a degree from an Ivy League college, my ex never went to college!

What I am trying to say is that it is hard, but you CAN overcome this. It will take time, lots of love and lots of caring. I will tell you that from the first moment that I saw you at a support meeting I thought "now there is a woman who is organized, caring, intelligent, funny, and generally an extremely great person". As I have gotten to know you more I have not found that assessment to be wrong. We see you as you are, one day you will too. If you need to chat with someone who has been there, I am here for you....and I bet that a lot of others are too.

Americanwoman397 · 01-13-2005, 07:24 AM

You know I started at an early age with someone who was not only verbally abusive but he was also physically abusive to me. Its crazy looking back now because I would be married to him or be dead by now if he hadn’t walked out on me. I was a very weak person when I met him in high school and it took him about 3 or 4 years to make me the way I was. When he started getting physical when we were still friends he would say he was playing around and pinching me and stuff. I thought that was ok. The more it went on I started hiding it from everyone even my best friend had no idea how bad it really was. We lived with my parent for about 6 months when we moved to San Diego and my mom had no idea until she walked in the bathroom to see me get out of the shower. He had just left me about a week before and I had 2 cracked ribs and little bruises every where. The whole point of talking about this was to tell you that you know this surgery and losing this weight makes you deal with your issues. We have all worked so long and hard to stuff our thoughts and feelings with food, for once in our lives we can’t do that. We have to deal with the hurt, anger and all the other emotions that came from the abuse. We not only have to deal with them but we also have to deal with the emotions and feelings that let us get ourselves in that place to begin with. I’m six months out and I’m so much more of an independent person now. I will never let anther man control me, hit me or call me names. The moment that happens my defense go up and I’m afraid of the situation. I refuse to let myself be a victim again. I deserve the world and someone who wants to give it to me.

Stacie you are a wonderful person and with all of us to help you every step of the way you are going to get through it all. Love you

Jeanie · 01-13-2005, 07:54 AM

Very well put.

Christina · 01-13-2005, 08:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stakeda

Dear All,

I know that you have been through similar situations...but being through the same situation doesnt mean that you have experienced the same things that I have. I have read your excerpts. I greatly respect the comments that you have made, although i feel that your feelings have value, I must say the following...

Feeling fat everyday is not a good feeling. Feeling worthless everyday is also not a good feeling. What does it take to feel valued? Self worth? What is it really? Does it really matter what size you are? Does it really matter what position you are in? At this time I do not know. Regardless of how I feel about myself, it doesnt seem to matter in today's society. The more I go on the more I realize that self worth comes from inside. Regardless of your size and regardless of the way you feel about yourself inside, you are worth so much more. There are so many ways to express that way that you feel...so many ways to express what you are worth...all I can say is that when it comes down to it, what you are really worth is how you feel about yourself no matter what people say, no matter what people do yuo have to have faith. It takes a big man to tell you that your nothing, it takes a big guy to tell you that your s**t, but it takes a bigger person to stand up against that and say, "No one could tell me what I am. No one can tell me what I do. No one can tell me what Im worth and only God can tell me what I am capible of and im my mind and in my heart I am worth more than anyone in this world can tell me...EVER...I AM EVERYTHING,...and nothing more than you will ever be.

Stacie,

That was one of the best posts I have read in a long time!! You hit the nail on the head with that one. Self worth is called SELF worth for a reason right? Men and women can be so devistating to your self esteem and feelings of self worth especially when you are in a relationship with them and you think the world of them (for what reason I don't know) Most of us have been there, in relationships where we have been made to feel miniscule and worthless. I know myself personally, I have lived with two separate guys who were verbally and physically abusive. I have the old scars to prove it too.. emotional and physical. However, my self esteem and self worth seemed to suffer more than broken bones. Why did I allow that to go on for so long?? Well, I could say "I loved him" but I know I didn't. I didn't enjoy it at all, however I didn't know another way. I was scared and felt that I didn't deserve better. Now look at me, I have Mr. Stuart who treats me like a princess.. and that scares me more than physical abuse. It feels like this is too good to be true and so many times I have told him that I didn't deserve him and let me tell you that ticks him off. He tells me that I do deserve to be treated good and not be afraid of him. I am slowly getting it, but why is it so hard to believe? Why do I fight the fact that I deserve true happiness with someone who treats me good and keeps me safe? Stacie I don't have any answers.. your post gave me more questions and more to think about.. thanks for posting it. Nobody has walked in the shoes of the other person, we may have had similar experiences, but none are the same. Everyone is unique and special.. and we are all worth more than we give ourselves credit for.

You're beautiful Stacie, and the feeling fat thing sticks around for a long time.. I still feel fat because of the extra skin.. will we ever be happy with ourselves? Who knows.. I hope so. Chin up girl.. your laugh and smile are two of my favorite things about you.. not to mention your heart.. keep on keepin on.. we'll all get through this.. I know it. I really admire and look up to you, you know. You have so much talent and you are successful in your own right, you have and are still raising two gorgeous children who adore you which is a feat in itself.. most teenagers can't stand their parents.. your daughter looks to you as her best friend.. that right there is more than most parents can say. See you have accomplished so much in your life so far and you are still going the distance. I admire that!!!

bridgetgirl · 01-13-2005, 10:20 AM

To Stacie's sis: I read it and I understand it. We are responsible for how we feel and we are responsible for how we treat others. I get it. (( HUGS ))

Dara · 01-13-2005, 10:30 AM

Stacie's Sister:

Thank you for your soul-baring post. You have great insight.

The evolution from abuse, to self-abuse, to self-respect and worth is both agonizingly horrendous and almost painfully beautiful. Look to the thorny rose bush--it blooms an exquisite rose.

The road to success is filled with many obstacles and potholes.

We are like butterflies, straining to be released from our cocoons.

I wish you hope and strength in your journey.

stakeda · 01-18-2005, 08:02 PM

Well, I went to the Doctor yesterday. I can't see out of my right eye. It's all cloudy and stuff.

So, the Optomologist did a full eye exam and says that I have a cataract (sp?) in that eye. He says that I really need surgery. So, I asked him..."Isn't a cataract something that old people get?" He told me that it is very rare that someone my age would be diagnosed with such a problem. He asked me if I have ever experienced "blunt force trama" to that right eye. Well, of course I had to inform him of my abusive relationship with my ex husband. Once he heard that, he knew that that was the cause of this medical problem.

So, I'm scheduled for surgery on February 16th. Geez, back in surgery again! This sucks! Oh, well. Life goes on. I'm a trooper! I'll make it through this.

So, work is busy as usual. I wish I could participate on the forum more often. I realize that I'm missing the support group meetings as well. This sucks! Oh, well. Life is good. I'm a trooper! I miss all of my friends on the forum.

Butterfly · 01-18-2005, 11:04 PM

Stacie,
I know that you'll do fine in surgery. My father in law had this done to his eye and it really is much better. I'm so proud of you for going to the doctor, instead of just thinking it would pass. It could have gotten worse. Good for you!

I will continue to pray for you and add this to the prayers. Your positive attitude will help in your recovery. Please let me know if I can help you with anything! I mean it!

watergirl · 01-19-2005, 07:09 AM

I've got you in my thoughts and prayers for your cataract surgery. My sister had it and she was much better afterwards (being able to see clearly). She was also in an abusive relationship when she was younger and that may as well be the cause for her too. She had this done when she was 32, 20 years ago.

I've got all good thoughts coming your way. If there is anything that I can do for you, I hope you'll call me. And I mean it too!

pambragg · 01-19-2005, 07:14 AM

Hey Sweetie,
I am sorry to hear about the cataract, that sucks. Fine pair we are, eh? I have my "henry" and you with cataracts. I know you will come thru with flying colors and feel and see so much better afterwards. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Love you girlie!