Duckie's story - ThinnerTimes

Duckie · 01-29-2006, 02:41 AM

Well, growing up. I was the FAT one. My brother's were thin. I wasn't. I was the butt of jokes, by their friends, THEM and also my "friends". The "see you AROUND" jokes hurt (as in we have to see around you). Kids are brutal. I was called "weebles wobbles but she does fall down". Man, my brothers sure were asses. lol Anyway, I was fat.
High school years: I was a size 20 my freshman year in high school. Sophmore year a friend talked me into joining field hockey. I have NO IDEA how I made those 2 1/2 miles every day when I first started. lol I then was SKINNY! I was 5'8" and 135lbs. omg. Boys paid attention to me. I felt good about myself. I then became uh, a little tooo friendly with the boys if you know what I mean. I was just so excited that someone liked me and wasn't making fun of me. That started a long road in a bad direction. Can you say SLUT? sigh. But I sure in hell was popular! lol

College years: my weight fluctuated but I never went about a size 12, I was between a 8-12. I continued to equate sex with love. I was so damn stupid. I drank alot. I screwed around alot. My self esteen had been in the dirt since I was a child and it sure hadn't risen yet! I even became anorexic at one time during college. I wouldn't eat. Had to force myself to eat a can of tuna and two rice cakes per day. That was fun. Vomitting and I became best friends. I was down to 120 at one time. Way too thin for me. This was all over a break up. Again, low self esteem. I had no worth with out him. (dumb)

After college I fluctuated in weight. I actually was engaged at one time. That ended. We just didn't get along. lol I still continued to drink alot and have flings left and right. Still equating sex with love and needing a fix to boost that self esteem for a day or two.

Did you know cocaine suprsesses your appetite? yeah, went that route at one time too. During this time my mom became very ill. Her organs were failing. I started dating a guy. He was the one thing I THOUGHT that was keeping me sane. I continued to drink and do drugs. I was a mess. Well, my mom died. My dad had two heart attacks at the same time. I thought I was losing both of them. (he's fine now) The one thing I had left was HIM. He was what was holding me together (yeah right). I was slowly beginning to lose it though. Well, we went from one day talking about engagement rings for christmas to him breaking up with me. Over the answering machine (a-hole!). The week before christmas. I no longer had my source of strength. I couldn't take it any more. On new year's eve I tried to kill myself. I ALMOST succeeded. I took an overdose of lots of pills and was in a coma for 3 days. I cried when I woke up becuase I WAS ALIVE. I was in for a long term of therapy.

Next: therapy. I had a lot of anger. I was angry that my mom died. I was angry about everything. I decided that I was never going to do drugs again (never have) and that i wouldn't drink. My new crutch: FOOD. Part of the problem is I was mad at men. I was beautiful. I really was. I no longer wanted their damn attention. I had been raped (during college) and had had my heart broken for the last time damn it! I was going to make it so they would finally leave me alone! I ate. and ate. and ate. On top of this, my depression over my mom's death caused me to eat. I gained over 100 lbs. Guess what? The men went away. lol ( I can laugh now)

It's been over 10 years now since my mom died. I have changed in so many ways. I have dated twice in 10 years. I ended the relationships cuz they weren't the greatest. I no longer NEEDED a man to make me happy. I have actually done sooooooo many things alone and been happy doing it! I take vacations by myself and have a blast! (I'm not shy. lol) I went back to school. After my mom died I realized life was too damn short to be unhappy. I became a nurse and I LOVE my job. (that's a first!) I finally feel good about myself, for the most part. I just can't lose this damn weight. I have tried EVERYTHING.

I have been going through the program here for WLS over the past year and am so excited. I finally have my head together. I have learned how to eat. I have learned my triggers. I have learned that most of my eating was from boredom or anxiety/depression. I look forward to the future. I new future where I am HEALTHY. My surgery date is 3/30/06. I'm excited but scared. I now know that I don't need another person to prove my worth. I am ME damn it. lol

Thanks for listening.

SAMI'S GRAM · 01-29-2006, 08:10 AM

Wow! You've overcome a lot and your future looks bright! Welcome to this forum. It will be a big asset in the coming months. Everyone's surgery experience is different, but we have and go through many things the same. Whatever problem you encounter, there'll be someone there to help.

Martha

bstars42 · 01-29-2006, 08:12 AM

Hey Duckie,

Thanks for sharing your story with all of us! You will find this site really helpful. Everyone here is so supportive and full of great advice. I am also from ma, and had my surgery in done in boston this past august, i am 5 months out. Are you haveing yours done in boston also?

Bypassingme619 · 01-29-2006, 08:21 AM

Wow sweety. I am glad you are able to share such a personal time in your life. But I have always believed that the experience we have been through makes us the stronger person in the end. You have a lot of pain and experience about what is wrong and what is right. I think you picked the perfect career to be involved in. What is your speciality? We all have a past but its not about who you were then but who you are now. I commend you for picking your self back up after the storm. God has great plans for you. I wish you continued sucess in your life. I look forward to seeing you around the board keeping us posted on your progress. Welcome to the family. You will find great support here.

chrisie_92020 · 01-29-2006, 10:15 AM

double wow, congrats on where you are now, and I totally agree with bypassingme619, well put.

Duckie · 01-29-2006, 12:10 PM

Thanks for the support. I am very open about my past because it has made me who I am today. I love being a nurse. I work in a pediatric ICU.
Oh, and I'm having my surgery in Worcester. (that's where I live)

Laura@BellaBabies · 01-29-2006, 02:48 PM

Duckie-Doodles, I am so glad you came here and joined!!! Everyone here is really supportive. Luv you Duckie Doo!!!!

Duckie · 01-29-2006, 04:55 PM

Luv ya too!

botchy · 01-29-2006, 06:58 PM

Man, what you shared makes me just want to hug you. You sound like you are doing GREAT and I admire you. Good luck!
Oh and welcome. I love this site. I don't have a support group where I am, but I never have a question that goes unanswered here.

Duckie · 01-29-2006, 06:59 PM

Thanks botchy! I'll take a cyber hug! lol {{{{}}}}} I love all the support here.