Heather's journey - ThinnerTimes

Heatherused2BAfeather · 11-19-2005, 12:57 AM

I thought I'd start a journal here of my journey. Now that I have decided that I want to go ahead with a RNY gastric bypass I can't stop thinking about it. I see my surgeon in 13 days. I have my psych eval scheduled on the 6th but its with my normal shrink that I see for my depression and I am not sure he knows what the surgeon and the insurance needs to approve me so I have to get that information from Dr. Oakley's (my surgeon) office. I also need to get copies of my medical records from the diet and exercise program I did. I need to see the dietician that the surgeon's office recomended. At least that part I don't have to micromanage. She knows what they need.

Who I am
I am 30 years old, married for 10 years and the mother of 4 beautiful kids, Jacob 9, Caitlyn 7, Hallie 5 and Olivia 3. I am a hospice nurse and I LOVE my work. I have 2 labs and a cat.

My weight history
I grew up in Maine as a skinny (sickly skinny) kid. My family had a lot of issues that I will spare you of but I will share that when I was 15 I was put in a group home. One of my issues was anorexia. At the age of 14 and 5'7" I got on the scale and (gasp!) it said 138! I began to restrict my food intake more and more until I weighed 117lbs. No I was never scary skinny but I was too thin for sure. When I went into the group home I rapidly gained weight until I was 165. I stayed there for 2 years until I moved out on my own and I lost weight. When I moved back home at the age of 17 I was in the 130s again. I again maintained that weight until I joined the army. In basic training I gained 20lbs and maintained between 140 and 150. Then I had my first two children. Both times I gained about 50lbs tipping the scale just under 200 at delivery. I lost the weight both times back to the 130s. Then I got pregnant again. I gained 70lbs to deliver at 225. I lost some weight and maintained between 180 and 190. Then I got pregnant for a 4th time. This time I was terrified of gaining another 70lbs and ended up gaining only 5lbs my whole pregnancy and delivered weighing less then I did with any of my others. After my 4th child was born I went on a weight loss diet. I got down to 117 again before I started gaining it back. That was 2 years ago this February. Since then I have gained 130 lbs up to 247 and a BMI of exactly 40 ( I am now 5'6").

I may not have the typical story, as many women I have talked to my size have been overweight most or all of their lives but I do know that I wont be able to loose this weight without surgery. I tried and DID loose the weight to a too thin weight even and it all came back at a speed that makes most doctors blink, open and close their mouths with no sound, shake their head (literally one did that) and ask me in a shocked tone if it was a typo. I am tired of weight being the issue. I no longer care what the number is, I just want to be able to live my life and if that number is 200lbs, and I feel healthy, then so be it. I know that may sound strange coming from someone that once was anorexic (seeing how many see anorexia as a vain state of being rather then an illness) but I just switched disorders, from one where I didn't eat enough to one in which I cant stop eating too much.

Gladitsme · 11-19-2005, 01:02 AM

Heather,

A study of women with anorexia showed that many of them become overweight if they don't die from starvation. Very interesting how the coin flips.

Heatherused2BAfeather · 11-19-2005, 01:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Loser2be

Heather,

A study of women with anorexia showed that many of them become overweight if they don't die from starvation. Very interesting how the coin flips.

It is, but it makes sense too. eating disorders are eating disorders plain and simple. I think that if your prone to one, your prone to another. And lets face it, eating too much is a disorder too. One Dr. I saw called it non-purging bulemia. Makes sense when you consider it.

Heatherused2BAfeather · 11-19-2005, 12:30 PM

11 days until my consultation! I can't wait to get this ball rolling.

On the other hand, I told my mom and she was pretty upset. Aparently she doesn't think I should get the surgery because I don't have any life threatening comorbids and by life threatening she means diabetes that doesn't respond to insulin ect. I tried to explain to her if your health is too compromised they wont do surgery but she wouldn't listen. Never mind my borderline blood pressure and my prediabetes (my father was diagnosed diabetic just a few years older then I am too) and the fact that my BMI is over 40... Turns out she lost a close friend 30ish years ago to WLS and I think that is fueling most of her worries. I am still going forward with it but its hard when your family isn't supportive. My husband thinks I shouldn't have told her... at all... but I know that would be unfair to her and to me. I have a close relationship with my mother and it hasn't always been that way and I wouldn't want to compromise that. She knows I will still get the surgery and she is ok with that, just worried. And fortunately this wont damage my relationship with her but I just wish she were more supportive. I am hopeing she comes around. My husband wasn't supportive 6 months ago when I proposed the idea but as he got more educated his aprehension has faded down to a small amount of healthy worry about the potential for a bad outcome. I couldn't and wouldn't do this if I didn't have his support at least.

Heatherused2BAfeather · 11-19-2005, 06:25 PM

I had an embarrassing weight related incident today. I have a professional relationship with someone on the phone and today I met them. It was so embarrassing because I know that I sound young and cheerie and like a normal person but in person all I could feel was that I was fat and old looking. He said, "So your the face behind the voice." I wished I could remain just a voice right then. Normally this stuff doesn't bother me but maybe it was the circumstances of just knowing this person as a voice and the contrast of him meeting me in real life or maybe its because its because I have been envisioning life as a smaller person again because I am considering WLS. Or probably both. Either way it was terrible and depressing. I can't wait to be able to start doing something about this. Sigh...

LizardQueen · 11-19-2005, 07:46 PM

Heather,
nice to have you on board and thanks for sharing your life with us. I, too, had a prior eating disorder and got down to 118 lbs after two kids. I was obsessed with what I ate and exercised like a fool. i, too, ended up morbidly obese. I don't think our situation is that uncommon. Food issues are food issues. We jsut went from one extreme to another. Please keep this journal updated! I really wish I had done this in the pre op stages and after wls. I think it will be great for you to be able to go back and look at where you were.

Heatherused2BAfeather · 11-22-2005, 04:29 PM

I talked to HR and my boss at work today about getting surgery. They were really supportive. My HR lady actually had the surgery a few years ago. She looks AMAZING! I would have never guessed! Its very encourageing to find out someone you always just thought of as "normal" is actually a success story of WLS. My boss said, "Heather! Your not that big!" Now granted, she is bigger then me but it was sort of humiliating and frustrating to hear that. Like I was making a vain decision because I am not XXX weight or whatever. Anyway, she asked me to wait until the middle of January so that is what I am going to do. Its only a few weeks later then I wanted but every day I have to wait now feels like torture! I haven't even had my consultation appointment and I am counting the days until that happens!

I did talke to Jennifer in my surgeon's office today to see if I needed to get documentation of my many diet attempts. We went over my insurance requirements and I don't have to. I just have to tell Dr. Oakley about them. She also told me that I can just get a letter from my psychiatrist and don't have to go through a separate consultation. Yay!

You know, I go back and forth wondering if this is the right decision, considering the life long results, wondering if it will work for me - if my love/hate relationship with food is finally coming to an end... But everything is falling into place so perfectly. The insurance, my work, my husband, the lack of road bumps. I sort of take it as a sign that this IS the right decision. Don't get me wrong, I am not basing my choice soley off of that but it sure does help me when I have my moments of doubt.

Heatherused2BAfeather · 11-22-2005, 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LizardQueen

Heather,
nice to have you on board and thanks for sharing your life with us. I, too, had a prior eating disorder and got down to 118 lbs after two kids. I was obsessed with what I ate and exercised like a fool. i, too, ended up morbidly obese. I don't think our situation is that uncommon. Food issues are food issues. We jsut went from one extreme to another. Please keep this journal updated! I really wish I had done this in the pre op stages and after wls. I think it will be great for you to be able to go back and look at where you were.

Amber,

Thank you for your kind words. Its nice to know that I am not alone in my polar extremes. I bet there are a lot more of us out there...

Heatherused2BAfeather · 11-24-2005, 12:06 PM

I told my dad about getting surgery today (my parents are divorced). He was cautious about giving his support because he also lost the same friend to WLS in 1976. I tried my best to reasure him that it was different now then it used to be but I don't know how much he trusts that. He did give me his support though as long as I was doing it for my health and it wasn't something I was persueing on my own (as if you could). My dad is a little weird about health care anyway though. He thinks he got a fever from laying on his arm until it fell asleep. LOL... Anyway, I am cooking my sweet potatoes for candied sweet potatoes right now but I wanted to update this while it was fresh in my mind.

Heatherused2BAfeather · 11-25-2005, 07:17 PM

Well I'm having a down spell thinking about WLS. It just doesn't seem fair that I even have to consider this. The life style changes, the possible complications etc are really making me second guess things. But when I think about being this weight much longer or even gaining I can't imagine life! I can hardly stand up in one spot for too long, today I went shopping. Black Friday. And I was so happy to get a cart. I notice that I switch feet back and forth when I have to stand because its easier then trying to ballance on what feels like tiny feet for my body. And I'm not really THAT big. Just barely a BMI of 40! Well, I guess that is pretty big but I read on here about people that are 300+ pounds and how they have lived this big for 20 years and I just don't know how they do it! I must be weak because I can hardly manage to live a basic life as big as I am now. When I think about that I don't see how I have a choice. I have to have this surgery. The lifestyle changes are something I will have to live with and the possibility of complications are something I will just have to face. I dunno, I am happy when its time to go to bed because then I can lay down without feeling lazy. Then I feel like I can't breath because my weight is compressing my lungs. When I lay on my tummy its the worst. I guess we all go through these moments of frustration and confusion when faced with WLS. Its not something you just get up one day and decide to do.