Tammy's Tale - ThinnerTimes

Veruca Sault · 10-19-2005, 12:33 AM

This is a work in progress BTW! Please forgive my spelling errors and potential wrong words, I type 65+ per min and thats not flawlessly!

Greetings friends, gather round as I am about to share my tale. I wasn't going to do this but I had a situation similar to Robin's last night and it made me so mad I had to just vent.

I have some talkers at my work, so basically everyone and their uncle's dog knows that I am having GBS on the 27th. I was hoping to kinda go in under the radar but there was no chance that was going to happen. One of my co-workers that should know better considering their position said to me, "That will be really helpful for you, of course you have to know to back away from the table." I went home absolutely fuming angry spitting fire and nails. How DARE he say that to me? Doesn't he know obesity is a disease?

I said this to my husband who nodded his head and agreed with me as he knows sometimes is best for him

. As the night progressed I thought OMG..wait...he WAS right. I haven't been MO my entire life, I was pretty active in HS and Jr high, right? So I sat down and I searched why I am MO and when the weight actually started to pile on.

The first thing I want to say is I blame no one but myself. I don't consider myself to be an emotional eater, i am more of a social eater. I have always eaten to be accepted, and not necessarily out of depression. Are the two related? Perhaps. However I have never claimed nor have I been diagnosed with depression.

Weight Check: 90

I had a very normal childhood with some unusual circumstances. I was adopted @ less than one year by my biological mother's half sister. They have the same mother, but different fathers. So my growing up I called my real mom my "auntie" and the person I called "mom" is technically my aunt. However, my "mom" is by all means the woman who raised me and gave me all of the wonderful opportunities I have had in my life. I am sometimes angry at both of them but I will address that below.

School was easy for me I was always active and found that I made friends really easily. However as Jr. High approached I wasn't able to maintain the same circle of friends. I don't know what happened that I became socially retarded and allowed people to pick on me so much. I was never one to fight back or stand up for myself. Seems like my friends were constantly finding the bigger better deal and moving on. In retrospect this seems to be a recurring theme in my life. I didn't really have any real friends from 7th grade to 11th grade. I recall migrating on lunch breaks trying to find someone to talk to spend time with and just hang out. I never thought I had a bad high school experience until I started to just sit down and think about all of the things that shaped those years.

Weight Check: 175

For some reason, chickies always wanted to fight me. Ok maybe not necessarily fight me per se, but threatened to fight me and beat me up. I believe the socially acceptable term was "kick your ass." I don't feel that I ever really did things to provoke these girls but on at least three occasions I can remember being stalked by one girl in particular, every single day. She would ccom looking for me after PE class with her three friends. I failed PE that year because I ditched class 5mins early just to get rid of her. Paulette never kicked my ass per se but that wasn't for lack of trying. I honestly to this day cannot possibly fathom why I managed to make people want to cause me physical harm, as I was so introverted. My parents knew very little of what was plaguing me during those years and I have never elaborated until this day on the topic. The only time I ever fought back was when Andy G spit chewed up m&m's in my water bottle. We wore water and Pnut M&M that day.

I used to blame it on my extra curricular activities, I was a pageant kid. I loved em. I did the mother goose parade pageants before you had to basically prostitute yourself for donations, and a few other misc pageants. I remember being ridiculed so hard for running for Miss Teen Lakeside. Of course I was too young and placed 4th runner up and never got the chance to try again because the pageant no longer exists.

Weight Check: 145. This was my apples and water phase.

My last two years of HS were decent. I had a steady BF and good friends finally. I poured my heart in to what was laft of the fledgling drama department and tried to make a difference there. Sadly our department lacked supervision and motivation so anything we tried to get off the ground failed miserably. I went to San Francisco as part of my obligations with the Mother Goose Pageant. I found out while I was gone that my BF cheated on me the day I left with some underclassman named Cherry. I forgave his infedility and bam got slapped again when tried to force himself on my best friend ever Jennifer. I found this out because Jefe's (her nickname) BF threw Kevin down a flight of about 30 stairs and broke his arm in two places. Keep in mind this happened at school, right in front of me so I had NO idea what was happening. I confronted Jenn naturally defending the BF and that killed my friendship with the absolute best friend to happen to me @ that point in my life.

Those two experiences were the bulding blocks of infidelity that would plague me for the next 15 yrs.

High shool was coming to a close and I submerged myself in my job. Man, I thought I was hot stuff working @ Blockbuster Video in downtown Lakeside. I eventually walked away from kevin after repetitive cheating. It was around this time that I really started to gain weight. I assumed it was because HS was over and I never exercised anymore. In HS I did swim, gymnastics and though I tried out for cheer that was a disaster. I cant keep up with all those damn dance moves! This was the beginning of my adult life and I was having fun just hanging out with the blockbuster crowd, macking the snacks sold in store and vegging on the beach. Around this time I met Wendy who was a really good friend and tried really hard to get me interested in god. I went to church with her for a few months and thats when she trusted in me enough to introduce me to a friend of hers. I met her friend Marc for realy real when he decided I was depressed after losing my job @ the ghetto fabbalas blockbuster video in beautiful downtown Lakeside.

Marc oh Marc. He deserves 10 pages alone in this mind clearing pre-op ventana of all autobiographies. Because it is so damn difficult to describe all the hell of this relationship I will break it down in bullet point format:

*Marcs dad committed suicide in front of him and the fam so he was pretty much fubared from the get go
*his mother is from el salvador and thinks her childrens sole purpose in life is to serve her
*the family is extremely over indulgant and they over spend on every thing
*they burned one house to the ground
*they let another house rot to the grond (300K house in New orleans=800K house here..condemned)
*marcs mother thought I was trying to poison her
*they embezzled money daily from their own company
*the mom is suing the bro and daughter who is suing the other bro, the mom and marc, and marc is suing everyone but the mom.
*marc was in medical school when I met him but he dropped out because his mother wanted him to run her business which he hates.
*mamalacita moved out of one house and built another sending over 800K leaving the other one to rot.
*marcs mom was convinced that I was after him for dollars so she had a private investigator follow me for 2yrs.

Ok so I lost my job @ blockbuster and marc decided I was depressed. I should have ran. He invited me to come to New Orleans (henceforth to be known as NOLA) for Mardi Gras. I didn't even know where New Orleans WAS let alone what MG was! I gracefully declined. However I got a fed-ex the next day with a non refundable ticket and a note that said please dont make me lose $600. I should have ran away, but I did go to MG. Looking back, we hit it off because he spoiled me. Not liking my CA style at all (too casual) he dropped over $1200 @ Lane Bryant for me in one day for a new and improved NOLA wardrobe. I liked it. We went out with his rich social friends for over a week straight and by the time I left I had literally gained 20lbs. the new slacks he bought be were too tight to button. Marc and I remained friends and I moved to NOLA in like 1993'ish. It was all good for a while until I got stir crazy sitting in the house @ 18yrs old living with a miserly manic depressive. (Did I mention the age gap? He was 11yrs my senior)

I had to get a job! First I worked for blockbuster as a manager, but he didnt like my DM so I had to quit. Then it was Disney and he didn't like that you could see my butt throught the cheerleader skirt. So I had to quit. Have you seen the movie with julia Roberts, Sleeping with the Enemy? That was my cycle of abuse minus the physical. The kitchen was an issue. if the cans were crooked he took them all down and I had to rearrange them. If the towels were crooked I had to re wash them. He never abused me physically but the emotional was enough. I justified it too. I convinced myself he was just controlling the things in his household because he had lost control over his will. (He was managing the fam business @ this time because mamalaloco fired his sister) Yet through all this I stayed.

I don't know WHY I stayed

My parents didnt have a relationship like this, I never saw this pattern of abuse growing up but I accepted it, I embraced it. I wanted to do better, I wanted to be noticed. I liked the rewards. Marc would feel guilty and the rewards were always grand. 2 weeks @ walt Disney world. A week in Panama City Beach Florida. We even traveled with the Campbell's Soup Tour of world Figure Skating chamos for 4 months because his friend was a professional photographer. I indulged in this world of the rich, I ate, I ate and I drank. I can remember one night in Hattiesburg, MS. There was nothing else to do so I hammered back about 15 shots with Oksana Baiul, Rene Roca and Rudy Galindo. I don't know whose room I woke up in that night or what happened but I do know that Marc acted like I was the biggest whore in the world. And he had been there! he just left me in a bad situation and blamed me for it. (It was my fault for drinking that much but I trusted him to have my back because he was paying!) During this time, I isolated myself more and more and truly had no friends. I found solace in learning the internet and online gaming (still a passion to this day) One time he even went so far as to sneak out of my parents house in the middle of the night when we were visiting CA and drove all the way back to NOLA leaving me in CA with only the stuff we had brought on vacation. I Shouldnt have gone back

Weight Check: 240

Through out this time Marc threatened to move out and back in to Palacio de Doris which is I kid you not what she named her house that she built with her childrens inheritance. The locals called it the smurf house though because here in the bayou, she built a mediterranian house with a blue tile roof and all her neighbors had classic Acadian style. /Boggle. Anyway, I justified these abuses. I went to therapy with Marc, and I tried to be patient because I thought he could be helped, I thought he could heal. It was at this time that I decided that I did indeed need to get another job. I started working for a hotel and I absolutely loved it. I was supposed to be a reservation agent but I was actually able to do it all. The only problem I had is that their uniform manufacturer didnt make a uniform big enough to fit me. I had to wait over 6 months for the hotel seamstress to custom make my uniforms it was embarrasing. In NOLA BTW< its not professional for women to wear pants and at this time I was cut off. No more fancy outfits for me. I was being punished for wanting to be productive and active and work. Gosh what I would pay to have that veg time back!

I worked myself up to a concierge position and let me tell you, that is the devil! this is where I gained, and gained. What is NOLA famous for? Indulgance! As a hotel concierge I had comped meals everywhere. Free drinks, free food, free everything. My witht skyrocketed to 275 but I carried it well. It was during this time that I forged some of what I thoguht were good friendships. I found myself slipping further and further in to underground NOLA. A world of drag queens, wanna be vampires and people that believe they are pagans. Although I have never taken drugs of any kind (ok cept alcohol) I saw some pretty bad things in my day. I knew that I was losing grasp of reality when I stumbled home after a 5 day party binge. I loved my job though, loved the managers, the owners and the guests. As punishment for the partying Marc lashed out at what was dear to me. I took LaLa Chops, my baby Westie Terror with me eveywhere. He was so jealous of her! He actually threw my lala chops across the room and broke her 2 front paws. The apology? The prize for putting up with that? Welcome to my world, Duncan McCleod, my new 8 week old male Westie Terrier! Although I was tired of the extravagant apologies I do love my Dunkster and still have him to this day.

I decided enough was enough I HAD to leave, I HAD TO get out! I moved back to California reluctantly leaving my job, and my friends behind. I started over, my parents welcoming me home and allowing me to stay with them. I missed Marc though and eventually he would lure me back in with a new Jeep Grand Cherokee and a promise to move to California. I didnt believe him but he started making arrangements to get his life back on track and force his mother out of his decision making processes. I do think its fair to state that during all thise time I didnt realize HOW much abuse there was and the extent. For all of the bad times, there were definately good times. I was even planning on marrying this man because I believed in my heart of hearts that he would be different away from his own demons, his own family.

Continued...

Like I mentioned before with Marc for all bad there was good too. His episodes of control and overall weirdness were becoming less frequent. He applied to UCSD medical school and he got his life back on track. he stood up to his mother and left the family business and to me that was promising. I gave him another chance. It was around this time that he proposed to me and although I didn't say yes I began considering preperations. I wanted to see how much he could have changed while we were apart so I never wore the ring although he did leave it in my posession. I flew back to Nola, Westies in tow to help him pack up our house. wow in 6yrs we sure did accumulate a lot of stuff! We were 5 days out from registration for UCSD Med School and you can't miss reg. So unbeknownst to me, the family decided that it was in his best interest to fly to SD and send me with all the furniture and stuff to CA with some random employee that had worked for them for like 3 months. I went ballistic. I was mad pissed off but what could I do? I didn't have enough money to drive myself back and we were towing my jeep behind the furniture truck. Marc wouldnt give me my money to drive myself and the Dogs so I was stuck. It wasn't so bad, it was very creepy at first though being pawned on to a total stranger. Thank god for headphones!

This is where it gets juicy and where I really started to figure things out. Ya''ll arent gonna believe this. First off Marc didn't apply for student housing fast enough so he had to rent from a private complex. The area around Ucsd is super expensive, and its not unusual for the apartment complex to ask for 6 months rent in advance. He went ballistic! He had the money but decided that he was too socially offended and decided to rent from this old greek lady instead. Now bear in mind renting up near the Nobel/Genessee area you can def ride your bike to and from class. Where he decided to rent, at the base of Torrey Pines there was no way he ws going to get his expanded booty up that hill. Although he wouldn't let me live with him full time he would lt me stay occasionally. Man, this place was ghetto! The house itself was nice but this lady thought that a half sized refrigerator, microwave and small utility sink was more than enough for a student. Oh! There was a rubbermaid cabinet for food too. The best part? This house was spanish style so the rooms all connected in a square. The cabinet, microwave, etc were all OUTSIDE! And it wasnt a clean outside, it was like hi spiderwebs, no preppable food surface etc! I laugh my tail off in retrospect because this lady, as nice as she was was JUST like his mother!! She would knock on his door in the middle of study time with honey dos. She would leave notes. "I noticed that Tammy didn't leave until 1am, this is not acceptable.' Omg! /ROFL! In her defense she had just lost her 600 lb son to a massive heart attack and her husband a few years prior to that. She was really smart, and experienced and has even published several books but she was mamaloco.

This gross living situation continued for a while. So he thought he was too good to pay $950 s6 in advance but had no problem paying this lady $800/month to live in her spare room. Again I was left with no money and nothing to do. By this time I was ready to hunker down with a career. The thought of going back to school just made my stomach churn so I apped to GEICO. They hired me the same day. I loved that company at first, found that I was spending sometimes 12+ hours working every day just for the extra money. With nothing to spend it on I acquired quite the wardrobe. I should have been saving for a house = (

Weight check: Phen Fen Phase: 210

Marc eventually got in to student housing so he no longer needed me to truck him back and forth to school and stuff. Our visists became fewer and far between and I always felt like I was intruding on his private time. It was like May of 1998ish and I went to visit him. It was someones birthday! Oh, the student housing required you to have a room mate. I will keep the room mates name private to protect the almost innocent. I knocked on the door on his Bday and there was no answer. The screen was open, and there was never a problem with me letting myself in so I did. I turned the corner to the bedroom and what did I see? There on my grandmothers antique sleigh bed Marc was standing. At first I was confused. Then I got it, really fast. It was SUCH a shock I literally almost peed my pants. The room mate whom we will call J was going down on Marc. The twisted look of pain, fear and embarrasment shrouded his face in the 3.2 seconds it took me to walk out the front door. He tried to stop me. He tried to explain. I threw myself in to my work and just didnt talk to him for days. Eventually I would confront him and we would hash it out over what happened. Sure my family had said in the past that he was gay and that he wasnt meant to be with me but I blew it off. I mean goodness I was his first sexual relationship when he was 28!

This is where it gets really funny. Marc knew that I was leaving him for good so he tried sucking me back in. I felt so hurt and betrayed i allowed the material apologies to resume. Few trips to Disneyland, San Fran, etc. New clothes. New watches, jewelery, you name it he bought it. This is where the REAL proposal came in. We were driving back from LA and he said I have a proposition for you. Are you out of your mind? The proposal: Let's continue to "date" you do your thing, I do mine. You come to NOLA with me occasionally to visit my family, and go out with us socially when they come to visit. You keep the jeep and the dogs. (damn right ima keep those with or without your blessing, thanks!) In return, I will pay you $1500/per month to keep up this facade. I completely kid you not, that is 100% what he had the audacity to say to me. I never even considered it. My self worth was waaay to valuable to me. So I told him that I couldn't I had recently met someone else and that I had been trying to figure out a way to tell him this entire trip. He was hurt, and I was glad. Thats how easy it was to walk away from that relationship at last. I never once looked back. So that was cheater #2.

My weight changed a lot during this time from phenfen going, up down etc. This is when I exploded out of my introverted shell and just became me. People noticed! I started chillin with Joe. Awe man I thought Joe was all that and a back of chips. He liked my weight, he loved the Padres and he would always flirt with me at work making me feel great. He always brought me roses, brought me bagels and cream cheese for breakfast @ work every other morning. We had a great relationship and although we werent dating exclusively the consideration was there. I broke my I dont date divorced men with kids rules for him and eventually he let me meet his daughter Ari. We were good together. This innocent relationship continued off and on for about 18 months. I lose track of time during this GEICO phase because I was there for 6yrs. I usually recall events in my life by determining where I worked. I dont recall where I went, but it was out of town. When I came back I bounced in to work to see Joe. It was December 10th, I can remember that and he told me rather bluntly that he and his ex wife had gotten back together over the weekend. I was like, NP. She will leave you again, and you will come running back to me. He told me that they had gotten remarried. Shock, ouch. Hurt. Ok move on! I was numb to it, and I do feel like Joe cheated on me. Although we werent dating exclusively It felt that way. He did try to come back, he did try to get the physical relationship back although he didnt want the emotional because Emily was his "soulmate"

Weight Check: So here I had 2 men wanting to have a relationship with me. 1 physical, one emotional. What about me? Hello 300lbs!
...continued

trying to think where to go from here!

eyesthatkissu · 10-19-2005, 07:28 AM

*waiting for the rest with baited breath*

LizardQueen · 10-19-2005, 08:05 AM

I'm waiting for the rest. VEry intersting so far!

bridgetgirl · 10-19-2005, 08:52 AM

Damn chicken! I cant believe this was the same High School I went to

lol! Poor thing..... again, I too am waiting to read the rest! How exciting!

Gladitsme · 10-19-2005, 09:23 AM

Tammy,
Have you thought about writing a biography? Please continue, I want to hear the rest!

Veruca Sault · 10-19-2005, 10:14 AM

haha I know its really long but man it feels good to type it all out and figure out what went wrong!

Realtor Linda · 10-19-2005, 10:43 AM

It's like Harry Potter books.....cannot wait for the next chapter!

buttercup74 · 10-19-2005, 08:20 PM

Dang Girl, you are an English majors dream autobiography!!!! I feel you on the abuse though. I understand why you stayed cause I did too.... 3 times.... knowledge is power.... that and stun guns and freeze spray...lol hurry up... I need more story time...