So I decided to start a personal diary/blog. I know with my upcoming surgery, I’ll be experiencing a lot of new things, changes and a new improved me. I want to keep it all contained in one thread so if I ever want to look back, it’ll be easy.
I’ve been heavy ever since I was a toddler. I never had a brief glimpse or moment where I was a normal weight. In high school I was a size 24 and 2XL in shirts. I remember then that nothing fit me (Lane Bryant nor Fashion Bug were around then) so I would wear Adidas shirts and baggy jeans. That was the norm then, since back in the 90’s everyone was in the alternative phase and Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins and Pearl Jam were everyone’s favorite music at the time (including mine). Once I graduated high school, my weight just went up and up.
I was and still am a very SHY, quiet, keep to myself girl. I’m the type that prefers to be home, or in a setting where I’m comfortable at. The main reason why is because of my ears which are broken. I was born deaf, and when I was little doctors told my mom that I shouldn’t even be talking or comprehending like a normal person because of the severity of my hearing loss. I went to a special school and had speech therapy and the works… if my mom hadn’t worked so hard with me I wouldn’t be where I am today. I was able to go to normal elementary school, middle school and high school because of all the work my mom did with me. I can’t hear AT ALL without my two hearing aids, and with them, if I’m in a crowded loud setting it can be hard to hear. If a person has an accent, it’s hard to pick up what they’re saying. If a person mumbles, I can’t understand what they’re saying. I CAN hear just fine though, I just need help sometimes.
I started my first and only job my junior year in high school and 11 years later, I’m still there. Which is a good thing and a bad thing. Good thing being that I’ve held the same job for so long, bad thing is because I feel I’m stuck there and won’t ever find anything *better*. I work in Customer Service in a grocery store. The last week of the month and first of the month are pure HELL. I love most of the people I work with, except for a few. There are 6 managers there, and I can’t stand working with three of them. I would really love a career change, but I’m stuck in a rut and feel that I’ll jeopardize my chances of having a job if I were to ever find something else and have it not pan out…
So, the fact that it’s hard to hear in a social setting and the fact that I’m so self conscious of my weight, I’ve pretty much lived my life at home. I do go out sometimes, but I’m happiest at home with my puppy. That’s where my WLS journey starts… I am tired of being a recluse. I am 28 years old and haven’t lived life the way it’s meant to be lived. I sure don’t want to be morbidly obese as I get older, so the best time to do this is NOW. I have a cousin and a friend that both had RNY and they’re both doing great. Seeing how well they did was motivation for me. But it took me well over a YEAR to decide for sure that this is what I want to do. Mind you, before I decided to do this, I had been to a doctor maybe once in the past 10 years. I have such a fear of doctors and anything to do with the medical field. It’s so bad that if I ever get sick with something, I would rather lay in bed dying instead of going to a doctor. Bad, I know.
In October of 08 I started the process… I remember my very first trip to Chicago. Shitting my pants is saying it lightly. I was a NERVOUS WRECK. Me - going to a hospital! Going to see a doctor. OMG. I got through it just fine, though. Even had my first EKG and blood work that day. I’m such a trooper! My insurance required 6 months of supervised diets. So I went in November of 08, did just fine. Then on November 5th, my mom had a heart attack. She was in the hospital for two days, had to have two stents put in…and she already had a stent put in, so that makes 3 stents total. I had to take her back a couple weeks later to have another stent put in, but when they had her in the OR, they then decided they couldn’t do it. She had to have open heart bypass. I’ll never forget that day, cause I was scared shitless. My mom is my best friend, and the thought of her possibly dying on me was too much to bear. Her surgery was scheduled for January 9th of 09, which was a Friday. She went through surgery fine…on Saturday when me and my dad went to see her, she was sitting up and eating. I thought holy shit, her chest was cracked open and she just had triple heart bypass and she’s sitting here all fine and dandy. I was so happy to see her like that, cause it made me feel like ok, the worst part is over, she’ll be home in a few days and everything will be back to normal.
Well…. I really wish that were the case. Saturday night turned into the wee hours of Sunday, and I had just fallen asleep when I felt my dad shaking me awake. I put in my HA and he said for me to hurry up and get dressed, that we had to get to the hospital ASAP because mom is having complications. Cue the shit in the pants and sob-fest. We rush up to the hospital going 70+ mph on the empty roads, I called my brother and aunt on the way there. Well, I guess when they put the new bypassed arteries in, they poke holes in the artery/vein to get rid of gas. They usually clot and block the holes. The nurse on call that night said that it was VERY unusual for it to happen when she was 2 days out of surgery. She said that my mom had lost two liters of blood and was bleeding inside her chest. They had lost her and had to use the paddles to bring her back. I asked her if she was going to be okay, and she told me she didn’t know. I felt my world was ending then, and as I type this I can feel the pain that I felt that night. She was rushed back into surgery and they stopped the bleeding. It was/is a very long and hard recovery for her. And I told her that I would go through with my surgery to make her proud.
She doesn’t remember that night. She said the night that happened, she had a dream/vision that she was looking down and saw me, my brother, my dad, and some of her family and didn’t understand what was going on. That was when she checked out… before the nurses/doctors had to use the paddles to bring her back.
Whew! Anywho, because of all of that mess, my journey got put on hold. I started back up though, and in full force. When my mom recovered enough to go to Chicago with me, we went. I had to do the 6 months over, but that wasn’t a big deal. The six months flew by, literally FLEW… I have no idea where May-October went. It’s almost NOVEMBER! Holy sheeeeeeeet!
Up next on the agenda is my two hour final pre-op class on November 10th, and on the same day I have my pre-op testing. Chest x-ray, tons of blood-work, urine sample and EKG. That’ll be a fun day. Then I start my 10 day pre-op diet on November 21st. My big day is on December 1st, and I am patiently waiting until my time in the sun, my time to shine, my time to show the world the true ME. I can’t wait to discover myself underneath the 150+ lbs of excess blubber, and start living life the way it was meant to be lived.
Wow, heh….long post, and if you guys read all the way through…MAJOR kudos to you.
The Best is Yet to Come Undone...
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