Just A Personal Problem.. - Page 3 - ThinnerTimes

holly1885 · 08-15-2005, 09:37 PM

Thank you so much for your story. That helps so much. Its weird becaues Im so incredibly happy with Keith, but then in the back of my mind there is a feeling of feeling bad because of my parents. Its bittersweet. Ive never been happier with anyone in my entire life, he makes me feel like I matter. Im so happy, and kinda sad at the same time... how weird.

sdgrrl · 08-15-2005, 10:08 PM

I think I can relate to your situation--I myself make it a practice not to date outside my gender.... ;-)

Once the 'rents realize that he's not going away anytime soon, they may learn to trust him. But it won't be easy or overnight. They should be more concerned with how does he treat you? Your mom? HIS mom? Does he have an honest-to-goodness job or some way he can be fiscally responsible in a couple? I'm sure part of it has to do with how young you still are, but I know that meeting the problem head on, and showing them that this is something real, something that will last, and something that is not being done to be rebellious will either bring them around or show them to be the kind of cold hearted people you don't want to imitate...

holly1885 · 08-15-2005, 10:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sdgrrl

I think I can relate to your situation--I myself make it a practice not to date outside my gender.... ;-)

Once the 'rents realize that he's not going away anytime soon, they may learn to trust him. But it won't be easy or overnight. They should be more concerned with how does he treat you? Your mom? HIS mom? Does he have an honest-to-goodness job or some way he can be fiscally responsible in a couple? I'm sure part of it has to do with how young you still are, but I know that meeting the problem head on, and showing them that this is something real, something that will last, and something that is not being done to be rebellious will either bring them around or show them to be the kind of cold hearted people you don't want to imitate...

He has 3 jobs, hes a DJ (and has DJ'd for like EVERYONE everwhere!), he works at the airport in orlando, and he does promotions for insomniac magazine. hes hoping to get a job working at so so def records or a radio station in atlanta so he can move here and be closer to me, hes applied to several music companies in atl. Hes really responsible and has all of his stuff together... probablly because hes 30. Yeah we have a big age difference too... thats another factor that my parents wouldnt like... but he treats me WONDERFUL and Im happy, so I guess it doesnt matter... but it does to them.
Thanks

JohnsWife4Life · 08-16-2005, 06:30 AM

Okay, I gotta put in my two cents worth. My first child is half black and half white. My parents disowned me, and my mom had a heart attack when she found out and spent ten days in ICU.

I was in love. I didn't care. Tiffani Autumn was my pride and joy. But I am going to tell you this. She has been messed up all her life because of it. I am not sorry for having my baby, but I am sorry what she went through. I don't care what anyone says here or any where, being bi racial and I do mean bi racial has been a terrible burden on my daughter. She wouldn't even say the word Black until she was 17. Black kids hit her hard for "trying to be white" White kids hit her hard for "trying to be black" She is one fucked up young woman today because of this. She still doesn't say shes black, and she speaks flulent Spanish, and hangs with Spanish, and dates only Spanish. She used to cry and rub her arms at two saying "I don't want to be bwoun mommy, I want to be white like you." It was heart breaking. When she was in sixth grade, her first journal assignment was "what two things would you change about yourself if yoiu could" Her entry. " I would be white and skinny". Nope, I would not ever have a mixed baby again. EVER! I truly believe God gave me 3 boys to follow because Tiffani would be my special "only" baby. Yes it is sad, but my thoughts. I had twins with my last one, and I lost that baby very early, they were in separate sacs, and I believe she was a girl. In my pregnancy last time, the Lord spoke to me, and assured me that this was yet another boy I was carrying, and there would never be another girl.

I don't want to burst anyone's bubble, but biracial kids have a hard time. Did my parents love her? Oh yes they did. My daddy still spoils her, and she was the last thing my mama's lips ever touched, and the last one my mama ever held in her arms. Did I love her? My God yes. I prayed so hard to get pregnant with her. Does that change the fact that she is fucked up? Nope.

Today she called me crying, "mommy, I am hurt really bad," I was up here in Lancaster and only minutes from her house. I went. We did not say sorry for our fight, but I took care of my little girl, no matter what she did to me, because she is mine. I love her with all my heart, but I brought her into this wicked selfish world, because I wanted her. I am in pain every day of "HER" life, watching her struggle with her own identity, and self worth. She is becoming obese, and I know that it is this issue, deep rooted. I don't know what to do to help her, but I would never place this type of burden on another child of mine.

Am I white? No, I am Indian, and have full blooded relatives, cherokee and choctaw, great grandfathers on either side. I look white. I married two Italians, do they look white? Yes.

Loving a man of different race is one thing, bringing children into the world is another.

MaryClipper · 08-16-2005, 06:38 AM

Holly,

I am married to a black man and have two beautiful boys. My father used to be against inter-racial marraige because of the problems he had seen in his lifetime (He has seen a lot) but he loves my husband and is thrille with our children. It is a decision that only you as an adult can make. If you still need your parents approval you probably aren't ready for marraige. It can put more pressure on the relationship. Depending on where you live and your social circles you will experience more or less racism. You are in Georgia, most of us are in southern California. These are two totally different cultures. My husband and I have had very little problems, don't think racism only comes from white people, you will experience it from the other side as well.

My best advise is this...regardless of race, don't get married until you have accomplished the following:

1. finished college...yes, finished! If the relationship is going to work you will still be together when you finish.

2. You have had your surgery and lost your weight. We go through major emotional changes with this surgery and new body image. See how the relationship weathers the storm.

3. You have lived together for 2 years... You don't really know someone until you have lived under the same roof for a few years. People can hide a lot while your dating. You want to see the good, the bad, and the ugly and then decide if it will work. In that time you will also see how it will affect the other relationships in your life, including your parents.

Good Luck

Julez · 08-16-2005, 09:37 AM

My parents were a "Bi-Racial" couple.They have incountered several problems in their thirty years of marriage.My mothers parents disowned her in the beginning.They got married, her family wasnt there.But years later her family realized my father was the BEST thing for my mother.Her family actually treated us like "outsiders" due to being mixed.
Other than my own relatives, I have NEVER had a problem with being "Bi-Racial".Now that my mother has passed away her family is now trying to build a relationship with me to fix the past.
Basically girlie FOLLOW YOUR HEART!!!!
If you follow your heart and end up marrying him you will end up happy.When the time is right for you it will happen.

bridgetgirl · 08-16-2005, 09:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Julez

My parents were a "Bi-Racial" couple.They have incountered several problems in their thirty years of marriage.My mothers parents disowned her in the beginning.They got married, her family wasnt there.But years later her family realized my father was the BEST thing for my mother.Her family actually treated us like "outsiders" due to being mixed.
Other than my own relatives, I have NEVER had a problem with being "Bi-Racial".Now that my mother has passed away her family is now trying to build a relationship with me to fix the past.
Basically girlie FOLLOW YOUR HEART!!!!
If you follow your heart and end up marrying him you will end up happy.When the time is right for you it will happen.

Im with you on this girl. I hate that term bi racial, ther is only one friggin race, the human race!!!!!!!
My kids, are kids. People have expectations for people all the time based on our own experiences.. being MO folks thought I would be lazy, eat like crap and stink... boy was that a misjudgement.
"Mixed" kids dont wind up "messed up" its a cope out in my opinion. I have plenty of "mixed" friends who had a stable home, a strong sense of self and who have had greater successes than myself.. I beleives it all stems from the home. The stronger and healthier the roots, the stronger and taller the tree.
Your strong chicken! Love ya Julez.....

holly1885 · 08-16-2005, 02:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaryClipper

Holly,

I am married to a black man and have two beautiful boys. My father used to be against inter-racial marraige because of the problems he had seen in his lifetime (He has seen a lot) but he loves my husband and is thrille with our children. It is a decision that only you as an adult can make. If you still need your parents approval you probably aren't ready for marraige. It can put more pressure on the relationship. Depending on where you live and your social circles you will experience more or less racism. You are in Georgia, most of us are in southern California. These are two totally different cultures. My husband and I have had very little problems, don't think racism only comes from white people, you will experience it from the other side as well.

My best advise is this...regardless of race, don't get married until you have accomplished the following:

1. finished college...yes, finished! If the relationship is going to work you will still be together when you finish.

2. You have had your surgery and lost your weight. We go through major emotional changes with this surgery and new body image. See how the relationship weathers the storm.

3. You have lived together for 2 years... You don't really know someone until you have lived under the same roof for a few years. People can hide a lot while your dating. You want to see the good, the bad, and the ugly and then decide if it will work. In that time you will also see how it will affect the other relationships in your life, including your parents.

Good Luck

Ive always said I would never get married before I was finished with school. I agree.. if we're supposed to work out then we'll still be together when Im done. And yes of course this will be after I lose my weight and go through all that, I still have a couple more years left. So far we've been together for a little over a year and I figure that if we can last through: long distance (him in orlando, me in georgia), college, me losing weight, the race thing... well the its pretty much meant to be! So if things are still how they should be when I graduate then we'll take it from there. Im not in a hurry. I had just posted this because it was weighing on my mind because Im happier than Ive ever been, but at the same time kind of sad because I know what I'll be losing if I chose to be this happy. Ya know? I dont know if thatmakes sense... but it does to me. Thanks

Thanks yall for all your support and thoughts. It helps more than you could ever know!

Blueyz · 08-16-2005, 07:16 PM

My marriage is inter-racial. Me white, husband Mexican and I have to say that my husband is a true gem!!! I get the wierd comments and looks, but I don't care because I am the luckiest girl around.

Dara · 08-16-2005, 07:34 PM

Holly:

I have one daughter and I've always told her that all I care about is that she finds a soulmate who will unconditionally love her and be a great life partner. During our conversations, I've said that even if she fell in love with another woman, it wouldn't matter to me. (Although I would be a little disappointed that she probably wouldn't get pregnant, as I've always hoped that she'll have the joy of experiencing pregnancy and childbirth.) However, nothing really matters except her happiness. I think that even if your parents are initially upset by your choice, they will come around when they see that you're truly happy and content. You'd be surprised how a hardened heart softens.

Congratulations on your happiness with your boyfriend and the best of wishes with your parents.