Amilea's Journey - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

Amilea · 10-07-2009, 03:35 PM

Hi TT

I have been lurking for a good while, finally made an account a few days ago. Joining oddly meant taking a firmer step toward the weight loss decision, which I have been avoiding quite nicely for too long now.

Though not from lack of encouragement from doctors. I recently had to have a sleep study done and even the tech mentioned that if I lost 'a few pounds' I would likely sleep better. Somehow he managed to say it without it coming across as immediately offensive, though my first thought was... "It would take more than a 'few' pounds."

I am not even sure how much I actually weigh, as none of the doctors I have seen recently have had a scale sufficent to the task. A truly humiliating experience, somehow made worse when the little PA doing the weighing could hide in the leg of one of my pants.

All of that sounds rather negative, and is I suppose, though I am truly blessed in a great many ways. I have a terrific husband and two healthy, beautiful kids. I have both my parents yet, though their health is declining. In fact, they are a powerful motivation for me. How will I be able to take care of them when even getting in and out of the car is such work for me? I hear people say that at 40 it all goes downhill - and that is right around the corner. It is a terrifying thought that instead of being their savior I am a trip-and-fall away from being bed-ridden. I can't imagine using crutches at this weight.

It is amazing how insidious it has been. I have been heavy all my life, with intermittant bursts of extreme dieting, each time my weight rebounding to plus 1/3 of what I had lost. I can be amazingly focused, but my persistance is often limited by results. Once it isn't working and I'm not losing weight, the discouragement makes me feel the deprivation isn't worth it and I think - I'll just eat like a 'normal' person. Yeah...

I have not yet met with a WLS doctor - I have my first appointment tomorrow. I have no idea yet what insurance my cover or require. Self-pay isn't out of the question, though would be a major sacrifice.

I am very concerned that in the end the tool won't be enough, that my weight will still stall out when I am still so big that I will become discouraged as has happened so many times. I don't trust myself for the long haul. I don't trust myself to be realistic. It isn't a matter of motivation even. I have a dozen good reasons. Maybe the exercise of listing them would be good when I have the time.

*bashful and slightly ashamed wave*

LisaJo · 10-07-2009, 03:44 PM

Welcome Amilea.....I didnt find TT as early in my journey as you have but I wish I had. It sounds to me like you are looking into this for all of the right reasons....many of which were my own and Im sure many of the others here too. Im 6 months out now and after many years of the YoYo cycle you mentioned I still wait for this "tool" of mine to quit working and wake up gaining again! But Im happy to say it hasnt and it gets easier all the time....for me at least. Best of Luck there are many good folks here to give you opinions and advice but in the end the decision is yours and yours alone! Good luck with the pain in the ass doc and insurance game! LOL. Keep us posted!

Hychap2009 · 10-07-2009, 04:30 PM

Welcome Amilea to TT.

Take your time, look around, listen and learn. This site is so helpful any questions you have just put it out there, someone is bound to come up with suggestions or answers. I think you'll find there are many here with similar stories to your own, support, friendship and advice is readily here.

Good luck as you embark on this journey.

Regards,

Hyacinth

Highlandlass · 10-07-2009, 04:53 PM

Welcome to you. I have found TT to be the biggest support I have and I'm sure you will be happy here. Fire away with all sorts of questions, rant on or tell us your progress. We care and can help.

Laureate · 10-07-2009, 05:34 PM

There is no room for shame here. You are welcome as you are.

I'll bet you feel a bit lighter already having shared your burden... anyway, I hope you do. This is one heck of a journey and you are starting down the path -- whatever you choose to do.

Welcome, Amelia. We support you!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amilea

Hi TT

I have been lurking for a good while, finally made an account a few days ago. Joining oddly meant taking a firmer step toward the weight loss decision, which I have been avoiding quite nicely for too long now.

Though not from lack of encouragement from doctors. I recently had to have a sleep study done and even the tech mentioned that if I lost 'a few pounds' I would likely sleep better. Somehow he managed to say it without it coming across as immediately offensive, though my first thought was... "It would take more than a 'few' pounds."

I am not even sure how much I actually weigh, as none of the doctors I have seen recently have had a scale sufficent to the task. A truly humiliating experience, somehow made worse when the little PA doing the weighing could hide in the leg of one of my pants.

All of that sounds rather negative, and is I suppose, though I am truly blessed in a great many ways. I have a terrific husband and two healthy, beautiful kids. I have both my parents yet, though their health is declining. In fact, they are a powerful motivation for me. How will I be able to take care of them when even getting in and out of the car is such work for me? I hear people say that at 40 it all goes downhill - and that is right around the corner. It is a terrifying thought that instead of being their savior I am a trip-and-fall away from being bed-ridden. I can't imagine using crutches at this weight.

It is amazing how insidious it has been. I have been heavy all my life, with intermittant bursts of extreme dieting, each time my weight rebounding to plus 1/3 of what I had lost. I can be amazingly focused, but my persistance is often limited by results. Once it isn't working and I'm not losing weight, the discouragement makes me feel the deprivation isn't worth it and I think - I'll just eat like a 'normal' person. Yeah...

I have not yet met with a WLS doctor - I have my first appointment tomorrow. I have no idea yet what insurance my cover or require. Self-pay isn't out of the question, though would be a major sacrifice.

I am very concerned that in the end the tool won't be enough, that my weight will still stall out when I am still so big that I will become discouraged as has happened so many times. I don't trust myself for the long haul. I don't trust myself to be realistic. It isn't a matter of motivation even. I have a dozen good reasons. Maybe the exercise of listing them would be good when I have the time.

*bashful and slightly ashamed wave*

lwilson21 · 10-07-2009, 06:23 PM

Welcome aboard Amilea. Good luck with your 1st meeting tomorrow, and I hope you come back and tell us how it went. This is thankfully a place where people do really "get" where you're coming from, and you will find a wealth of support and knowledge here.

Leah

Amilea · 10-09-2009, 07:51 AM

Thank you very much, all of you, for the support.

So I had my first meeting with Dr. Alexander. I am a bit ambivalent. He seemed nice enough, but I think I was expecting more somehow? I think I caught him at a bad time as he seemed very tired and rushed (I was the last patient of the day so...).

I am to go Monday and have an EGD and the psyche eval. Said the pyche tests should last between 2-3 hours. I should probably be more nervous about that but I am not. He has a vested interest in making sure I pass.

I also talked to my mother a bit about it. She was surprisingly encouraging despite my worries that she would be very condemning. Not sure how my father will take it, but he has a tendency to keep his feelings to himself anyway. One of those stiff upper lips sorts

Both of them developed Type 2 diabetes (my mother is now on insulin injections and it is still badly controlled), high blood pressure, and high cholesterol by time they were 50. Now my mother has to have steriod shots in her back routinely because her disks are so badly compressed (a condition not entirely because of her obesity, but certainly not helped by it). How much longer do I have before I am looking at these illnesses myself? My mother was diabetic in her early thirties.

Oh, and - I'd tell you not to laugh, but it is actually okay if you do

- but I weighed less than I feared, 'only' 384. HAHAHAHA. No, seriously. I thought I was well over 400, so had to blink at the number. I sure never expected THAT to be the part I was most pleased about walking out of that office. None of my doctors have been able to weigh me in so long that I really had no idea.

Now that the possibility of my having GB surgery seems 'real' I spent most of the evening really soul searching if this is what I want to do. Like I've read many of you write, I truly worry that once I lose the weight it will all come back (with friends) just as it has so very many times before. I really think had I never dieted I would likely still just be 'chubby' instead of super obese (Dr's word... apparently I'll have to lose weight to be 'just' morbidly obese). It really isn't the weight loss (I'm a great dieter!), it is the weight maintenance that scares me. And surgery isn't a fix for that, it is just a tool, one my manipulative little brain can abuse if I am not very careful. Can I be very careful, forever? Will having the surgery help me be more vigilant, more persistant?

I miss running, I really do.

Insurance lady is supposed to call me today after she talks to UHC. She says it will be a few weeks at least before I get a final verdict, but she should know what they require for approval today.

Laureate · 10-09-2009, 08:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amilea

And surgery isn't a fix for that, it is just a tool, one my manipulative little brain can abuse if I am not very careful. Can I be very careful, forever? Will having the surgery help me be more vigilant, more persistant?

I miss running, I really do.

There are doctors for your manipulitve brain, too. I'm seeing a therapist who I think, will help keep me on track. We talk about these same fears (will I keep it off?) and that helps validate them. She also helps hold me accountable. Don't be afraid to seek this kind of help.

Funny you should mention the running thing. A year or so ago, in a moment of self-reflection, I was soul-searching on what I might want if I could have anything. And my answer was to able to run -- not jog, not race, run -- just for the joy and freedom of it.

Highlandlass · 10-09-2009, 08:12 AM

Great to hear that you saw the doctor and that the ball is rolling and that your mom surprised you by being encouraging. You will do a lot of soul searching during the next months and that is normal. This is a huge step you are taking, and its towards a healthy lifestyle which will also include weight loss. Yes, the surgery is a tool and you could choose to manipulate it, but somehow I believe you will resign yourself to the fact that if you want to run and live a healthy life, you will do the work you need to do to make the tool useful and maintenance successful. I am only 3.5 months out and am still finding my way through the eating maze, which is limiting drastically what I consume. In the back of my mind I am always thinking the same as you - will I be able to keep on this path. I've already had a few bumps in my road but the little pouch has told me, very loudly, when I've eaten the wrong things. With the support and advice you will get from members of T.T., I have a feeling you'll do very well. Remember, these people here have been in exactly the same position as you and can offer all sorts of ideas - just ask! This is a wonderful journey.....keep us posted kid!

Amilea · 10-09-2009, 08:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laureate

There are doctors for your manipulitve brain, too. I'm seeing a therapist who I think, will help keep me on track. We talk about these same fears (will I keep it off?) and that helps validate them. She also helps hold me accountable. Don't be afraid to seek this kind of help.

Funny you should mention the running thing. A year or so ago, in a moment of self-reflection, I was soul-searching on what I might want if I could have anything. And my answer was to able to run -- not jog, not race, run -- just for the joy and freedom of it.

I am glad you mentioned it. I actually have my first appointment with my new anxiety doctor tomorrow, because I am going to need help with that. My adrenal glands are kicking on 10 cylindars and I have the adrenaline of 3.5 people my size. My endrocrinologist just doesn't know if my anxiety is causing my adrenaline surges or if the adrenaline surges are causing my anxiety. I can be horribly impatient and irritable at times, weepy and overwhelmed at others. A lot of it he says could be the sleep apnea. I am not sleeping well or long enough and often wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I am having a panic attack: gasping, with the blood pounding in my ears and throat like my heart might explode. Fortunately my cardiologist says my heart is fine. My blood pressure is even fine. So, I am to see an anxiety doctor. The nurse said they have therapists on staff if I wish counseling, so I probably will do just that. The issue is about more than *just* my weight.

Running... when my diets got me under 200 lbs I used to run a lot. I truly love the freedom of it, though there were lots of mornings it was really hard to keep going. Some mornings I would feel so light and easy and free and some mornings I would feel like I had cement in my lungs. lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by Highlandlass

I am only 3.5 months out and am still finding my way through the eating maze, which is limiting drastically what I consume. In the back of my mind I am always thinking the same as you - will I be able to keep on this path. I've already had a few bumps in my road but the little pouch has told me, very loudly, when I've eaten the wrong things.

And yes, this is why I am even willing to entertain surgery as an option because I am counting on the pouch being strong when I am weak. The doctor told me most of his patients that don't dump feel cheated of a tool.

3.5 months from surgery - how do you feel? Are you mostly back to normal life as far as what you can do? I am rather worried as my work is sometimes very active (have to be able to lift 50lbs and walk 1 mile) though there are days I am chained to my desk. I planned on being off work 2 weeks for surgery and on restriction for a few weeks after. Does four weeks sound reasonable to be able to return to normal function? I should have asked the Dr. that yesterday but forgot.