Thanks for the support! It really means so much!
So I have gotten a plan from the insurance rep and made an appointment to see the doctor they do cover. It isn't until November 5th, which is my birthday! Hopefully that is a good sign
I started the six month diet, met the NUT for the first time on Monday. It was interesting. For the last week, in preparation of her wanting that info, I have been recording everything that I eat - what, how much, fat, protein, fiber, and calories. She didn't even want any of it. Instead we talked for like 45 min and then for the last 15 discussed my normal breakfast and how to get more fiber into it. I don't know if I was more amused or disappointed.
However, being the person I am I have started walking everyday and while I am not trying to limit calories per se, writing stuff down does have a way of crystallizing one's choices.
Oddly, though it has been less than a week that I have been walking everyday I feel better. I can walk a lot further and without pain and am a lot less stiff in general. I'm sure I've lost some weight (first week of a diet all that water comes off as the body adjusts) so that might be part of it. At 384lbs a drop of even a little will be a relief to my poor ankles and knees.
Reading a book called "Intuitive Eating". There is more to it than I will ever follow but the premise is to help people recover a sense of when they are truly hungry, not hungry, satisfied, and full. I've realized as I have read it that it is my habit when eating to eat until I simply cannot eat any more or the food runs out, whichever comes first. So that every meal tends to be like Thanksgiving dinner. The good news with that is that unlike hormones and other factors that contribute to being 384lbs, portion control is to a large extent in my power. At least, so long as I'm willing to really truly pay attention. (That is a big if some days. But that's another issue to work on.)
I think the new anxiety drugs are helping. I've told those I trust about them, wanting their feedback as to if they thought it was helping. It is interesting to hear their responses. I wonder how much of my willingness - enthusiasm even - to undergo this life change is due to having the almost incapacitating weight of the panic attacks lifted. Not that I don't have moments when I can feel myself unraveling like before, but I no longer spend every moment of every day feeling like I am on a knife's edge between screaming, crying, or completely shutting down. My husband tells me I seem more relaxed and am handling the normal stresses of life better. My coworkers tell me I have been positively bubbly this week. (I've been dragging them along on the aforementioned walks, even insisting that people that come to chat walk with me instead of us just gabbing at my desk. It is amazing how often that gets me an extra five min walk! hehehe Evil, I know...)
My scale at home won't weigh me, but I took some measurements last night so I'll have some baseline data later. I'm always bad about 'before' data. It sucks to have to face those massive numbers. But there is no other way to have something to compare progress against. And I know from LONG dieting experience that I will have periods where I lose nothing at all, but will see sometimes significant differences in body configuration. One month some years ago I actually gained 3lbs, but lost almost 4inches on my waist. I'm not sure if maybe my body just has more water and such during times when it is rearranging the furniture. But if I hadn't been taking measurements I would have felt crushed by the failure. (How can I eat 800 calories a day and GAIN 3lbs!?!) Okay so I was still disappointed, but at least I knew I wasn't really getting fatter.
Earlier in the year I was laid off along with about 500 other associates. It was very crushing. I'd worked in the same job for the same boss (whom I love) for 10 years. A month after my last day they hired me back into a brand new role. The duties were vague and ill-understood, so it was a spot where I kinda had to carve out a niche for myself. I apparently have done so well that they have given me a second department to support! On the down side, many days are extremely stressful. But I am still very grateful to have been brought back to a company that I do love (and to have retained my tenure!)
Yesterday I was given the opportunity to spend an hour with my boss' boss discussing my new role - good and bad. We actually wound up talking for two hours and to my surprise she really really listened. I think I was really able to convey to her both my joys and frustrations and she seemed totally open to helping to fix the later where she could. I really think the anxiety meds helped there. Instead of being paralyzed by fear I was able to put together a list of my primary duties, the wins for each, the pain points, and possible solutions for the pain points. This morning she sent out an email addressing my concerns and ordering done much of what I asked for! I was so stoked I actually laughed out loud and bounced in my chair like a happy toddler.
Linear Mode
