Through Hell and back...(PTSD trigger warning) - ThinnerTimes

ezarella · 07-28-2005, 07:22 PM

I thought about writing this chronologically starting when I was a kid, but for some reason I think it'll work best if I start with the here and now. My name's Elizabeth and I'm a 26-year-old graduate student in Counselor Education. All my life I've been responsible for caring for everyone else and I've never been allowed to act my age or think about my own needs. Hey, once you're trained to think that martyrdom is ideal and attending to your own needs is selfish then it just becomes second nature to neglect yourself. I was abused in every way when I was a kid, but I still loved my abusers with all my heart and I figured that I must be an awful child if these people I love think I deserve this. So I dedicated my childhood to breaking up family fights, taking the blame for everything, absorbing the abuse, trying to be perfect, and wanting to die.

To top it all off, my family was dirt poor and I got picked on mercilessly for it at school. My only solace was academia. I've always been an excellent student and a quick learner, so I spent a lot of time on the honor roll, winning spelling bees and attending my school's gifted and talented classes. Strangely enough, these nerdly pursuits didn't make me any more popular with the other kids. :P However, my academic abilities did earn me an early ticket out of jr. high when I was skipped over the 8th grade.

Cheery, huh? Don't feel bad for me, things got better. You see, I got pregnant and married when I was 14. No, no that's a GOOD thing! It didn't seem so great at the time, but in retrospect it was the best I could've hoped for, and my daughter has been a blessing to my life. After I got married I spent a year being abused yet again, this time by my teenage husband, before I said, "To hell with THIS!" and divorced him. But after that, I was living in the projects with my baby collecting welfare. No money, no child support, no high school education (my high school that had been so eager to accept me when I skipped the 8th grade now refused to let me back in since I'd gotten pregnant), no car, and no family support. But what I did have was hope and determination. You see, I'd always known I was going to go to college and make a good life for myself. Don't ask me how I knew this because it certainly didn't make any sense. No one in my family had ever gone to college and they sure didn't have the cash to send me. That didn't matter, I was getting myself out of that nightmare of a life by building a new one and starting a new pattern of success for my daughter to learn from. There was no way she was going to go through what I had, and I knew it was all up to me.

I harrassed my welfare caseworkers and got every form of assistance I could scrape up to get child care, get my GED, and start college. I refused to take no for an answer and I found ways to work around my obstacles. I worked my ass off in menial jobs to put food on the table and to teach my kid that hard work pays off, though not very well at first. I studied hard and took out enough student loans to buy a house. Sometimes I thought I was going to drop dead from exhaustion. But all I had to do was look at my daughter and I knew it was all worth it. I walked across that stage and claimed my bachelor's degree in 2000 despite what some short-sighted people I know expected.

But in that triumph was failure. My graduation gown hid my 245 lb. body packed onto a small frame (5'2). All that time I'd been working to dig my little family out of the sucking abyss of poverty and give the best care possible to my kid, but I had neglected to care for myself. I was now heavier than my morbidly obese mother had been at my age, and it had happened without me even noticing it. Now I realize that it's easy for poor people to get fat. We can only afford the cheapest, crappiest foods when we're not subsisting on whatever scraps we can sneak home from our food service jobs. Many of us also don't have the time to cook because we're busting our humps working and going to school, so we wind up eating a lot of quickly-prepared, over-processed & non-nutritious junk.

I lived in denial for the next 4 years, not really believing I was morbidly obese. I told myself that I was just chunky and I could be happy like this. My new husband didn't seem to mind, so why should I? But then more weight came and the physical problems started. Breathlessness, severe asthma, chronic back and knee pain, fatigue. I couldn't do ANYTHING anymore without feeling like my body was rebelling against me. I couldn't even go up one flight of stairs without sweating profusely, turning purple, and gasping like a fish out of water. But I still tried to pretend I was fine. That is, until my first heart palpitations. Although the doctor found no immediate problems, I knew I had to do something fast. I was now at 270 lbs. and nothing was helping. I tried everything--Atkins, Somersizing, exercise, pills, low-cal, South Beach, anything you can think of. It only made matters worse and i felt sicker and older everyday.

Then I saw myself naked in a mirror and it was all I could do to keep from breaking down. I looked so old and deformed. I was killing myself with food, but I was so far gone there was only one reasonable solution. I got my doctor to refer me to the local bariatric surgery center. After a year of work I've finally been approved for the surgery and I'm scheduled to go under the knife on August 29th (lap RnY). I'm scared as hell, mostly for the usual reasons everyone cites when they're about to undergo major surgery, but also because this is the first thing I've done purely for myself and it's hard for me to take such a great risk for ME. I have to justify it by saying I'm doing it for my daughter and husband so they can have me around for a long time, happy and healthy. I still have to come to terms with the fact that it's OK for me to want to do this for myself.

I'm lucky to have two wonderful friends who have stuck with me through it all, one for 15 years and another for 13. I also have a husband who loves me and a wonderful group of friends I met through a discussion board who support me. Then there's my colleagues I've met through my graduate studies and counseling work. And believe it or not, I've made peace with my family and they're with me as well.

Anyway, if y'all could keep me in your thoughts on August 29th I'd appreciate it. I won't let fear get the best of me. When I walk across that stage to get my master's degree in May I will no longer be carrying around the burdens of my past, and when I get that Ph.D. I've always dreamed of I will be a new woman entirely--body and soul. I'm ready to live now. Bring it on.

lealphachienne · 07-28-2005, 08:33 PM

I hope you can learn to accept that you are doing it for yourself. The surgery is just the beginning of a new selfishness that is good and healthy. You have to take care of yourself first or you'll have nothing to offer to someone else. Many friends and family may see the new, more confident you as a bad thing and try to sabotage your success. Your relationships will change as you lose the desire to put up with anyone's crap. You'll find new priorities and desires to expand yourself in new ways. It's a rollercoaster of a journey, it's long, hard work. But the beautiful butterfly that emerges is a sight to behold.

Nichole · 07-29-2005, 07:06 AM

Wow Ezarella what a strong and powerful woman you are...You have conquered so much when others surely would have given up the fight!! AMAZING!!! Your life has only just begun and from your story I know that anything you say you are going to do you are going to DO!!! Congrats!

watergirl · 07-29-2005, 07:23 AM

Wow! From the sound of things, You are going to be more than fine. I am amazed by your strength and how you've persevered. I wish you nothing but success. I'll have you in my thoughts and prayers for an uneventful surgery and quick recovery.

bridgetgirl · 07-29-2005, 09:16 AM

Your story gave me the chills. Your phenomenal! Cant wait to get to know you! One month away until you are on the other side! fantastic!

Welcome to the best board in all the world, I look forward to your input!

LizardQueen · 07-29-2005, 09:27 AM

Thanks for sharing your story. You are truly inspirational! You will be in my thoughts and prayers on the 29th. Good luck and God bless you. I look forward to getting to know you!

JohnsWife4Life · 08-03-2005, 09:18 AM

Elizabeth,

What an awesome story. You are still very young, and to be commended for your strength. I was nearly 40 years old before I climbed out of that poverty rut. I don't regret staying home with my first three children, however I do regret that they grew up with nothing. Poverty is but doesn't have to be a tragic thing. That is what I try to pass on, that there is life after poverty, and anything you can grasp, you can go for. BRING IT ON BABY!

You are one awesome chickadee, and you have set a great example for your daughter.

pambragg · 08-03-2005, 09:35 AM

Wow, what a story. Thank you for sharing it with us. The most important person you are doing this for is YOU. It is ok to permit yourself to do this, it is not selfish, it sounds like it is long overdue. I wish you a safe, speedy recovery and will keep you in my prayers.