Turn your face to the sun..... - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

NorCalRN · 06-12-2009, 10:53 PM

Well, I've been so deeply inspired by folks on here such as Trish29 and Aviator, that here I am starting my own Story. Where do I start? I guess I can finish the quote for you:

Turn your face to the Sun, and the shadows will fall behind you. ~Maori Proverb.

I am a lover of quotes, and this is one of my favorites. It's all about moving forward and leaving the problems behind. I'm ready for this, SO READY! I'm a 25 year old starting to feel trapped in an 80 year old body. I'm basically healthy, but over the last few months (ironically, since I decided to have WLS) my bones and joints and back have all started to ache and hurt and give out on me. Maybe it's these last, and most recent, 50 pounds I put on last year. Either way, I am now 16 days away from surgery and I'm so ready!! Did I mention how ready I am?? LOL.

I've spent my entire life as a fat kid. I started early, as the youngest of 3 and my mom's "buddy"... we would pig out together when we were sad or lonely or one of us had a bad day. Healthy, right? So clearly I have developed a seriously screwy relationship with food. In high school, I wasn't thin but I carry my weight well... You know how they say hindsight is 20/20? Boy are they right. I can look back at those pictures and I was CUTE! I weighed around 200lbs when I graduated from High School. I felt fat. Anyways, in the 7 years since, I have proceeded to put on another 90 lbs. I put on about 40-50 in the first 2 years or so, held steady and then last year I put on the rest. And it is definitely taking it's toll on my body.

So here I am. I have all my pre-op requirements mostly done. My Nutrition and Psych evals are scheduled for next week, Lab draw will be next week and then just the hospital registration and paying my fees. WOW. I am in disbelief. Sometimes it feels like this is happening to someone else. And as ready and excited as I am- I'm scared!! I'm nervous!! I've never had major surgery or been hospitalized.... which sounds funny coming out of my own brain. I'm a surgical Nurse in a Hospital.... it shouldn't be scary but I think it is the finality of it. ::Sigh::

Alright, I'll sign off for now. I feel like I am just rambling anyways. I hope that I will be able to use this thread as a way to track my own progress... I am so excited to see these pounds melt away!!

Dawnelle · 06-12-2009, 11:49 PM

Good Luck on your surgery. i know how you feel I also work in the hospital and I did not think it would scare me but YES it dd. However I knew my surgeon so well and the surgical staff I knew very well so it made it actually easier on me the day of surgery. I would never take back the last 6 months and I am so glad I had this done, almost 100 pounds lost in 6 months and I feel better than ever. You can and will do it, just remember as soon as they say you can get up and walk a little do it, no matter what try not to have to use the pain meds unless you have to, I never did. I felt great. So good luck to you cant wait to see ( read ) your progress.....

NorCalRN · 06-13-2009, 11:54 PM

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement Dawnelle! I was just saying to another TT'er that I'm actually not worried about the pain at all.... Wait, I take that back- I am NOT looking forward to the Gas Pain from the Lap. I have had sooo many lap patients at work and they tell me the gas pain is worse than anything. But, as for surgical pain, nope- not worried.

And I had the option of getting my procedure done at my place of work, and I said "HELL NO THANK YOU!" Haha. But seriously, I am keeping this very private for now, and the last thing I want is to be taken care of and lose that sense of privacy and modesty with my coworkers. So yeah.

Today we had the intention of going to the movies, so I could have my last movie treat experience without the restriction of surgery.... We went to Cheesecake Factory for lunch and I had my favorite pasta dish, a Peach Bellini (MY FAVE DRINK!) and skipped dessert. Went and saw "Hangover", which was a really funny movie..... and sadly, we were so stuffed from lunch we didn't get popcorn, or candy, not even a soda!

I guess after all it's probably a good thing since I'm "supposed" to be losing weight before my surgery date. I have been feeling this need to get in all these "Lasts" before surgery- Anyone else do this? Like I already have my final weekend before surgery planned out- my last trail ride on my horse, my last BBQ, my last junk meal (mmm....Panda Express maybe?) I know deep down this is stupid, because all that food is still going to be there, my horse will still be there, etc... Is this human nature, or simply a different face to my perverse relationship with food???

And, so far I have only told about 4 people about my surgery. My boyfriend- who is my main support and very excited for me.... I will tell more about him in another post perhaps. My Mom, because she is my best friend and lives 2 states away- I felt she deserved to be told. Although she has been sworn to secrecy under the threat of death.

lol. She can't keep a secret to save her life so we'll see how long until my entire extended family finds out. I told my closest friend, who lives in Alameda since she sees me more than anyone else and will notice very quickly! And lastly, both of my in-laws have had some form of WLS, and my bf asked his dad for input regarding my choices, etc.... He has also been sworn to secrecy so I hope my MIL doesn't know yet- she also cannot keep a secret to save her life! Haha! I seriously can't wait until I can start to see the pounds melt away.... The countdown has begun!

Oh, and speaking of horses- I am about to post a pic of mine to my profile. He is my other love!

NorCalRN · 06-14-2009, 12:02 AM

...For tonight.

I have to say- I am SOO dang inspired by all you ladies and gents who have traveled this road before me!! I'm seeing all these numbers and I am floored! I have so much to look forward to, and you all are proving it can be done!

As a fat person, we feel so ALONE in this world; judged, scorned, teased and left out constantly! And yet- here is this entire community of like-minded people sharing openly what they have endured and where they hope to venture... It makes me smile and feel so good inside. Yay for new beginnings and all that the future holds!

Dawnelle · 06-14-2009, 08:31 PM

Hey go for it, reach for those skinny stars and do not stop until you reachthe goals you have in life......
As for gas pains I did not have any at all, so I think it all depends upon the person and their body.
I told minimal people also, however my surgical team knew but patient privacy is the utmost importance so good for you.
Keep me informed and if you ever need anything I am here for you

NorCalRN · 06-15-2009, 03:49 AM

First, let me say Thanks so much Dawnelle. I'm reaching as far as I can and just hope I can get my self under control to get me there!

I spent tonight alone. My bf spent the night at Stanford. Thankfully, he is fine- just went in for a sleep study. I've been telling him for years that he occasionally stops breathing in his sleep- which totally freaks me out. FINALLY someone ordered him a sleep study. So, I decided to have my LAST fast food meal (yes, I openly admit to loving fast food, although it never tastes as good the "last" time) of McDonalds. Trashy, perhaps but now I'm done. And I rented the third season of Sex and the City to watch while my honey is gone. And it really hit me in the last episode- just what I am striving for with my weight loss. And sorry guys- this may only apply to the women here. But Carrie is dating Aiden, and he is walking out of her apt after fixing her this really romantic bath. She is all curled up in the tub, looks at him and says, "Big tub, little person...."

And that just kills me!! I've been overweight for so long, nearly my entire life and I can't relate to those statements!! Arrgggh!
For instance, our neighbors had 3 kids our ages when we were growing up. I'm the youngest of 3, and their oldest is 1 year younger than I am. And I can remember spending time with them and those two girls would always crawl into their daddy's lap and cuddle with him. I was SO jealous. Granted, I have other family issues, my parents were divorced when I was 3 so I never really had that kind of a father in my life. But being overweight, I never felt like I had the OPTION to crawl in someone's lap for comfort or hugs or to fall asleep. I think my ability and comfort level (or childish oblivion) ended that when I was about 4 or 5. Or for another example, my older sister. She is 5 years older, about 3 inches shorter and even now, after having 2 kids she weighs about 110lbs, soaking wet. She was a bikini model and a Hooter's girl. But that's beside the point. When we were kids, my older brother's friends were like extended family. And I can remember them always picking my sister up and laughing about how little she was. Or my mom's boyfriend picking my sister up to throw her in the pool in the summer, etc. Lastly, my boyfriend has 3 brothers. They all have wives who are stick-figures and that is no exaggeration. NO- I do NOT want to be a stick figure. I'll be thrilled to keep my curves and feel womanly when this is all said and done (if it's ever done?) But they can joke and play and be picked up and when they playfully "punch" their husbands, everyone laughs at how girly they are. (I was never taught to hit like a girl- apparently I missed that lesson. When I punch someone, they definitely feel it. Which does not make me feel like a lady. at. all.)

So back to it and enough of my lamenting. Carrie's comment in that episode really hit home for me. I hate that I feel uncomfortable sitting in my bf's lap. I hate that I am Bigger than he is! I hate not feeling feminine or sexy because I am too damn big and awkward. ..............

Tomorrow I start my liquid diet. Or today, I guess technically. I haven't done a liquid diet since Feb/March of last year and I am not looking forward to it. But it does mean that I am 15 days away from surgery. How Surreal that feels!! Indescribable. My checklist this week is loooong as far as personal tasks to complete, but for pre-op it goes like this:

Start (& stick to!) Liquid Diet
Lose 10 lbs prior to June 30th.
Nutrition Eval (phone)
Psych Eval (phone)
Fax in Informed Consent
Register @ Hospital
Blood Work.

Sorry for all the angst here tonight. Despite all the support I know I have, sometimes it can be so dang lonely on this journey. Especially when old dirt surfaces and I don't always feel equipped to deal with that dirt! Thanks for listening/reading/tolerating.... May today be a great day and my spirits be lifted!
Wish me luck and God Speed as I make my way towards the Losers Bench!!

Vikkator · 06-15-2009, 07:50 AM

I really am enjoying this thread and your story. You WILL be small like your sister. My younger sister was always a twig. Just a little bit of a thing. I should have been too, dammit! My parents were thin and so were my brothers. Well, my sister is still small, but I'm probably smaller, for the first time in my life. My brothers are both obese now, one I would consider to be morbidly obese and he has a lot of health problems.

Well, the other day I had a family party. To me, it was my 'coming out' party because much of my family hadn't seen me either since Christmas or before I had my surgery. When my aunt walked in the door she practically screamed: "Oh My God, look at you--you're just a little bit of a thing!"

I NEVER thought anyone would call me little. Later my son who only sees me every other week, mentioned that I get smaller every time he sees me. My other son was walking behind me and he mentioned that I look tiny compared to the way I used to look. My daughter is starting to hide her clothes and I find a few of my own missing from time to time.

I pointed out to everyone that I am small boned. I should have been a thin/small person, but have always been this large person. I've always struggled with my weight. And when I told everyone that I have about another 25 pounds that I want to lose, they looked at me like I was crazy. I told them I'm not crazy. I'm still not at a healthy weight for my size.

I now feel feminine and sexy. I no longer groan when I climb the stairs (well, unless I'm carrying something heavy up them). I can sit in a chair without my big ass and thighs sticking out the sides. You are so lucky to have this done at such a young age. You will be amazed at how this changes your life. Good luck to you!

ragazzarosa · 06-15-2009, 09:08 AM

Hey Chicka! Welcome, great blog so far.

I love SATC. I liked Aiden, but Carrie was very bad to him. They weren't meant to be. I sort of remember that episode you are talking about. I can hear him saying in my head "big tub, little person."

At any rate, I like Mr. Big better.

So, I totally identify with your need to have all your "last meals." And I'll tell you what, because Dr. Jossart wasn't super strict with me - he was like "oh sure, we can do surgery on you right now without a diet because you fall into a weight category that we are comfortable with." He made me feel smaller than usual, even though I was over 300 lbs. I was like - hey, I'm not that big. Ha.

But, I was saying - I wish I hadn't had all those last meals. I gained weight before surgery and now I am wishing that I hadn't because I'd be that much further ahead in the game. The last meals are tempting though - but you can still eat after your surgery. Just not as much. You have to learn to not comfort yourself with tons of food. Or not to comfort yourself with food at all.

However, if you still want to eat, I won't judge because lord knows I've been there and food is my favorite way to make myself feel better. And you will lose the weight.

Dr.s Cirangle and Jossart are so freaking good at what they do. They cost $$, but I justified it as saving myself $$ in the long run. As of right now, I spend way less on just food - but I'm also making myself healthier in the long run. Don't have to worry about diabetes anymore (runs in my family and I was petrified), don't have to worry about high blood pressure as long as I keep going to the gym - and damn do I feel great!

I'm glad you decided to do this. I've been bigger than most others since I was about 8 - it's hard. When I look at myself in 8th/9th grade, I see the same thing. Darn, I was cute....but no one let me think so. So I just ate more because it comforted me.

Anyway - glad you are here. Glad to have someone else from LapSF.

GOOD LUCK and keep us posted on how you are doing!

XOXOXOXOX

NorCalRN · 06-15-2009, 03:17 PM

Vicki & Suzanne- thank you so much for the comforting words!

It definitely means a lot to know there are other women who relate to what I've been through. And to also get affirmation that this really is the right thing to do for myself!

I've stopped the "last meals" for now. I am starting my liquid diet and not too thrilled about it, but I am determined to lose some weight before surgery. I just finished filling out my official consent forms, and I have to admit all the possible complications scare the willies out of me!! I know they are super uncommon and not very likely and I am just being warned about the possibility for legal reasons, etc, etc, etc but it does scare me. I found myself praying in my head as I was signing my initials, the date and "I understand and agree" (20 million times!) "please God, don't let any of this happen to me- I just want to be skinny!"

I dreamed last night of all the people (& ex's, ahem) that I saw again as the "skinny" me.... and their reactions. Is this healthy? I'm with the only man I want to ever be with, but I certainly want those reactions from certain people. Like, I can remember my 4th grade crush, who I thought liked me at the time.... call me a fat cow in front of the whole class. Amazing how that sticks with us, right?

On another note, I just filled out some paperwork for my Psych eval on Wednesday, specifically the Quality of Life Evaluation form. How depressing. On a scale of 1-10, apparently my quality of life on most things right now is between a 2 & 4. Two items I rated over 5- first being my boyfriend, as he is the best thing that has happened to me in this life, and every day I'm reminded of why.

Second was finances. Which is strange, because I just quit my job. :-/ Probably a dumb move, but the stress, anxiety and almost-panic-attacks it was giving me just weren't worth it to me. So money is ok- but this surgery and my time off will def be making things tight. And my other half is a major panic/worrier about money and risk. So. Hmm...

I've got to be off now, picking up that final paycheck and running errands. I will say being unemployed has its perks as far as having time to do the things I need to get done before surgery. Oh, and I am awake during the day now! Yay!

foxyfuzz · 06-16-2009, 04:03 PM

I am also hooked on your story...and am finally getting the time to post on it.

You are doing amazing, and you will be that small lady who sits on her man's lap and sooner than you think!

I was never taught how to hit like a girl, my parents raised me to be tough and stand up for myself, and to hit like a boy, play sports like a boy and to not take any crap off anyone.

I didn't do too much of the "lasts". I mean I did snack on things, but really tried to stick to my liquid diet stuff. If I wanted a few bites of some cake I did, and then I quit. I didn't want to have to much and then end up having to have an open surgery instead of lap.

You are doing great, and I am certainly moving over on the Loser Bench to make room for you!