Living on Tulsa Time
It's hotter than hades here, so I decided to take some time out today to tell my little story. It feels good to be able to share with people who understand.
I have not always been fat. Prior to age 25 or so, I was able to eat anything and everything... and I pretty much did. I had terrible eating habits and never exercised. Granted, I wasn't buff or anything, but I was always considered "thin". I didn't realize how great I had it though. I took it all for granted and actually remember telling my highschool friends that I thought I was fat. 5'5 and 110 lbs and I thought I was heavy... crazy, I know. A teenager's perspective on life can really miss the mark!
My weight gain started after I had my second child and found a job where I had absolutely no need to move. I sit in a chair all day and type at a PC. The only time I get up is to go to lunch or the bathroom... and to leave.
Over the course of about 15 years, I gained about 100 lbs. I would gain some and lose some... only to gain back even more. The pounds came on seemingly slowly. I just stopped caring about my health or how I looked. For a variety of reasons (which I won't go into here since your attention span would understandably give out), I turned to food. Excluding the mental reasons, suffice to say, I still had my terrible eating habits and didn't exercise, which took it's toll on a slow metabolism. All of these people I work with along with my family and friends watched me gain this weight. Everyone seemed okay with it... except me. I don't think they realized that I was truly "obese". I tried to make excuses and tell myself I was okay... that it didn't matter if I was fat... that I should be accepted anyway. It wasn't easy, but I learned to smile and ignore the rude comments... or the people who refused to interact with me. I internalized a lot of it... or walked away from it. I kept telling myself that I could be happy with myself anyway.
Over the past few years, I've taken trips with my girlfriends... they are all beautiful and fit. The guys would flock around and we had a good time. It took me a while to figure out I was getting stuck with the "wingmen". You know, the guys who are sent in to talk it up with the fat friend so the other guys can swoop in and get it on with the good looking girlfriends. Once I figured it out, it hurt... and I closed up. I ended up dancing by myself and then sitting at the table watching the purses and drinks, while the others partied all night. I wanted so badly to be in the middle of all of it, and I was until I gave up trying to find my friends. I didn't want to be the fat friend anymore, but what could I do. I would diet and lose a little... just to gain it all back, plus more. I was miserable. Honestly, after years of this, the mental issues ended up far worse than the physical ones. This only aggravated my weight problem.
I went on a business trip to the east coast in late 2004 and we ended up going to the beach. I was not aware that a co-worker was taking pics of my backside as I was looking at the ocean. I wouldn't wear a bathing suit that day, but standing there with my hands on my hips, jeans shorts (which were baggy because I didn't want anyone to see my shape) and a white shirt... I hardly recognized myself when I saw the photo later. I was completely mortified and vowed to do something about my size. I had to! My girth scared me into a crying jag that lasted seemingly longer than it took for me to gain all the weight in the first place.
I never really knew how vain I was until I got fat.
In early 2005, a close friend of mine told me she was going to have gastric bypass surgery. We were the same height and within 5 lbs of one another. (I had considered the surgery over the years, but kept thinking I needed to continue trying to lose the weight on my own.) I decided then that maybe it was time to ask for help. I went to the doctor's seminar here in Tulsa and the insurance paperwork was turned in. Within a month, I was approved and my surgery date was March 30, 2005. My family was not happy with the fact that I was going through with the surgery (which was the hardest part of the decision for me), but I went ahead anyway... deciding it was something I HAD to do.
During the process, and still today, I am shocked and amazed that it's actually working. I knew it worked for other people, but I figured I'd be the exception to the rule. I am currently down 67 lbs and have about 33 more to go before I'm at a more comfortable weight. Dropping weight and seeing my real shape come back is absolutely amazing. I still have a ways to go, but I am so much happier... and healthier. I can walk without my ankles giving out on me. I can actually exercise and enjoy it (for the most part). I no longer need to shop in the plus sizes. I am giving old clothes away because I know I won't need them anymore. My kids, who have always been kind and sweet about my size, say nice things to me (and we all know how teenage boys can be). I am excited and hopeful about what the future might bring. I am more comfortable with myself than I've been in years and it really feels wonderful.
In a couple of months, I am going to Vegas with my girlfriends. Although I don't expect the activities to end up much different than before, I do feel better about myself. I can hold my head up and not feel intimidated. If the girls end up dancing the night away while I watch the purses, that will be my choice... not the fact that I was knocked out of the way by the legions of men vying for one of my friends. Before surgery, I would have found a way to get out of going on the trip, but now I am actually looking forward to it.
Thanks for letting me share some of my story with you. The support and information on this website has been a real God-send and I just wanted to take the time to tell you a little about myself... since I've been reading about all of you for months now!
Traci
LAP GBS 3/30/05
244/177/140
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