"But you have such a great personality..." - Page 27 - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

jenn75 · 07-05-2009, 08:14 PM

I do feel like perhaps I've painted the picture that I have no friends, but that is definitely not the case. I have lots of friends, but they all have kids/spouses/etc. that make it difficult for me to always have someone to do things with, and then there's the whole factor that they're not single so they have no idea how I feel. Most of them have been partnered up for years...they're not even at the just casually dating end of the spectrum.

But anyway, yes, all of the suggestions you have given me are very good ones. I have already thought about all of them before, too, and talked about them during therapy, etc. I just never bring myself to do them! I wanted to take photography classes but don't want to spend the $. I want to volunteer, but as a social worker you sort of feel like you're doing that already all day long. Helping people. I'm not saying I don't have more of myself to give/donate, but it can take its toll. Maybe if I volunteer with animals then that would be different/more rewarding. I'll have to look into that one. My boss does that.

I need to come up with a game plan of how I'm going to feel fulfilled in my life right now and how to actually TAKE ACTION with that plan, because, hell, I've had lots of great plans before that never come to fruition. And I also need to get away from thinking that the only way I'll be fulfilled is to have a man around. I really need to get out of that mindset, however as one gets older, it really is harder to avoid that topic/feeling. It was much easier to be single when I was younger.

Thanks all for your very kind words. I appreciate your input greatly. I'm trying to get over the sadness by becoming angry with myself, because that is when I finally put things into action.

Kimberly76 · 07-05-2009, 09:50 PM

iffin I were younger I could tell you what one of my parentals might have said.. haha.. Go to church.

I voulenteer all the time, I cook. Tell ya, doing something that you love to do but can no longer enjoy the fruits of said cooking, it helps release that oh, I wanna eat and entertain. It's like I entertain for 350 people once a month.

I too understand about the whole, friends with kids, family with kids.. they are totally clueless what it's like these days. It's like mommy mode is kicking in, but mister right isn't there. Yep, done felt like that too.

hey, do you have plants or pets? that could be a different route.. I'd be lost without my suga (mah long hair kitty)

Don't beat yourself up about where your life is, what direction it's going in, and the accomplishments that you want, need, or whatever .. You are growing as a person, with this tool we have, we are reinventing ourselves each and every day. We aren't the same people prior surgery, and you should embrace that and accept that. And with all great changes come great possiblities. It will take time, just trust in youself, have faith, and above all love youself and you will have love.

mucho <3, Missay.

LisaM · 07-06-2009, 12:41 PM

Jen,

I don't know if advice from me will be welcome or not... If you have seen me around, you may know that I was divorced last year and re-married last week. After I left my ex, which had been coming for a long time, I dated for about 5 months before Corey and I got together. It was disastrous to the point of hilarity, but I learned a lot out of it...

Here's the thing, though--until I knew why I got fat, I couldn't really get skinny. It was kind of a rolling set of revelations, and most of them didn't happen until I was nearly at goal. I finally figured out that I put on my fat suit to protect me from my past abuser and to give my ex the excuse I needed him to have because he didn't want me, never had, never would. I handed my fat suit to people as an excuse over and over again to beat me about the head and shoulders with that "But you have a great personality..." crap. That phrase means "you let people use you for a doormat, and we love that, we need more doormats."

When the surgery forced me to remove my protective layers, I had to face what I'd never been able to--that my father had abused me, that my husband didn't want me, and that if I didn't get strong and rational about food in a damned big hurry, I wasn't going to make it.

And I dealt with this (as we all do) without the only tool I had ever used to cope with the big things--food. Couldn't comfort myself with food, couldn't use my fat as a shield anymore. It was hard, I won't kid you. But in learning to cope without food as a crutch, I learned to value who I am, to feel like I was worth loving. The first guy I dated after I left my ex was ummmm... undecided about his own sexuality. It took me about two weeks to realize that I was just repeating the same pattern. Went from a man who was incapable of intimacy to a man who was ta-da! incapable of intimacy 'cause he couldn't decide whether he even wanted to be with a woman. That's what I told him when I said "no more." And he still came to my wedding last week.

Bluntly, I had given up on ever having a man who could value me as much as I value myself, and then I found Corey and he exceeds that expectation daily. I shed a lot of tears before that day, and quite a few since. When I left my ex after 27 years of marriage, I felt very strongly that I had failed, still do to a certain extent. But I've learned to forgive myself, too.

At work, people see me as tough-minded, strong and determined (a b*tch, in other words). I'm OK with that. And I know my bosses are OK with it, 'cause I just got a bonus and a raise. I know, I know it's a cliche, but until you learn to love yourself, you are NOT going to be truly lovable to anyone else. And when you come at love from a position of strength, rather than of accommodation, it means so much more. So instead of dating other people, how about you be good to yourself for a little while? Do what you want, go where you want, enjoy your free time doing things you love. You never know what might come of it...

Think about why you stayed heavy--being heavy worked for you in some way, or you wouldn't have stayed that way. It's a really great way to hide, as I know very well.

Good luck... I hope this helps some...

Kymel · 07-06-2009, 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kimberly76

.. haha.. Go to church.

You crack me up Kim!! U know how many times I've heard that myself...my answer in my head to that (from the parentals...of course) is always, "I'm pretty sure you can be sent to hell for attending for the sole purpose of trying to meet someone" lol. I always just smile and thank them for the idea

(but then...I'm probably going to hell anyway...might as well go first class, right??)

Bama · 07-06-2009, 10:52 PM

Go ahead Jenn. Tell them about the PM I sent you.

foxyfuzz · 07-07-2009, 05:32 PM

Jen

I know how tough it can be to be the only one without kids or the only one not attached (although I am now) really you just need to get yourself out there and start doing fun stuff you enjoy.
Take your class you were talking about, volunteer at the animal shelter, go to water classes for exercising, what ever it is, just get out there and you will start meeting people.
Do they have a 20/30 club near you? A friend of mine is involved in that and stays very active. They go all over and do all kinds of awesome activities. What about the Big Brother/Big Sister Program?

Keep your chin up lady, you are beautiful and do not need to settle for anything less that the best!!!

BIG HUGS!

jenn75 · 07-07-2009, 05:50 PM

hahaha.......Bama said that I should find a church, too! I'm not really that much into organized religion. I do feel like I could use some spiritual outlet and had looked into the Unitarian Universalist church here, and I might just go on Sunday morning - the topic is "Zen Living: A Cure for Modern Problems ", which is right up my alley...I like the Eastern philosophies. So I may just get brave and go. I already looked at the church's website and they have a crapload of groups to join.

LisaM: I would always welcome YOUR advice...any day! I admire you greatly for your own journey and decisions you've made, so I appreciate it so much that you took the time to respond! And you are absolutely 100% right. I need to focus and care about ME, develop myself and my own sense of self-worth, rather than just trying to feel whole by finding someone. I'm not going to feel whole even if I do meet somoene if I don't work on myself, and I realize that now more than ever...thanks to yours and other's words, and reflecting back on my last relationship/engagement. I don't know necessarily that I have to stop looking for a partner altogether, but I do know that no matter what, I need to focus on myself most of all.

Thanks Foxyfuzz...yes, I have looked into mentoring someone/Big Bro/Big sis thing. Again, I've always been big on ideas/plans, just not very good with the action part! I swear people who know me don't think of me as shy at all, but damnit, I just have this residual shyness still.

foxyfuzz · 07-07-2009, 05:55 PM

A good book that you may be interested in is
Choosing ME before WE: The everywomen's guide to life and love by Christine Arylo

I bought this and have been reading it, and it is fantastic! It is all about how to learn to put yourself first, and to learn who you really are as a person, before you make that jump into a relationship.