"But you have such a great personality..." - Page 26 - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

GTR-Mark · 07-01-2009, 07:36 AM

Any advice I could give would be stale since I've been with the same wonderful woman for 12 years now, but we did meet online. It was probably a more innocent time for meeting online - back when it was rare and people gasped when you told them.

We did not meet on a dating site (if they even existed yet) - we meet on a local chat channel (IRC for those who remember). We talked like instant friends and met up the next day. There wasn't that dating pressure and that wasn't even the point.

I guess what I'm getting it is, it seems like you are putting too much pressure on yourself to find Mr Right and it is taking the fun out of the process. I'm way too far out of the scene to recommend how you might change up your thinking though.

jenn75 · 07-01-2009, 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GTR-Mark

Any advice I could give would be stale since I've been with the same wonderful woman for 12 years now, but we did meet online. It was probably a more innocent time for meeting online - back when it was rare and people gasped when you told them. And yes, it was downright scandalous to meet someone from the internet then!

We did not meet on a dating site (if they even existed yet) - we meet on a local chat channel (IRC for those who remember). We talked like instant friends and met up the next day. There wasn't that dating pressure and that wasn't even the point.

I guess what I'm getting it is, it seems like you are putting too much pressure on yourself to find Mr Right and it is taking the fun out of the process. I'm way too far out of the scene to recommend how you might change up your thinking though.

Mark,

Yes, I remember IRC. That is how I met my first guy...on a "talker" through telnet...old school! Not a dating site, which didn't really exist then.

I think that me putting too much pressure on myself is an understatement! I need to reframe the way I view dating. I would like to have a more casual attitude towards it all, and just let men "fit in" to my schedule and not place the focus on fitting my life around them. I think I'm starting to do that with the latest few guys that have been talking to me online. But once it gets real and in person, that's when I start to put the pressure on. It's hard because you don't want to not put any effort into it because men need to be pursued and feel that we're interested, but I'd love to just let them do all of the planning, suggestions, etc. and just let me go along for the ride. But my fear is if I take that stance I will be viewed as disinterested.

jenn75 · 07-03-2009, 03:05 PM

Some things I wanted to "log", just so I won't forget these moments:

- feeling the bone in my butt, feeling my hip bone, collar bone is definitely more defined than ever

- still can't get over the excitement of shopping in regular clothing stores...bought my first item at Ann Taylor Loft...i was always jealous when i would buy gifts for my SIL in that store. i love the clothes they have (but not the prices!).

- went swimming for the first time this summer and since surgery last week. i felt so...normal, not self-conscious, and i was even comparing my legs to my SIL's and they weren't that much bigger. also enjoyed that you could see my new tattoo.

jenn75 · 07-03-2009, 09:19 PM

Let's just say tonight that I don't like myself very much. I wish it were easier to apply the lessons I've learned but no, I rationalize and rationalize until I convince myself I'm doing the right thing...for now. I don't feel like getting into the details, but I'm seriously just not happy. I need some sort of revelation or some sort of help. I guess I will just have to go back to my therapist (who I thought I just said "see ya if I need ya" to just a week or so ago). I can't stand myself sometimes. It's so hard when you think you're this new person and that you can do things differently and get different results, yet I'm still getting the same results, I'm just 64 lbs lighter. I always feel like I'm on top of the world and nothing can go wrong, but then it does and I'm right back to where I was before surgery...down on myself, depressed, and feeling like an unlovable loser. Well, I guess I was due for a good cry.

NorCalRN · 07-04-2009, 12:18 AM

I know we have all had days like this before. Just remember that tomorrow is a new day, and you have worked so hard to get to today! And sometimes, the goal is simply just to keep on keeping on. I hope you feel better about it all soon.... and there is nothing wrong with needing to go back to your therapist! Thats what they are there for!

ardita · 07-04-2009, 07:30 AM

Whatever decisins you are weighing, they are clearly causing you pain. You don't want that pain to send you back in to old habits. That could create a spiral that would end with much more of you that you have worked so hard to get down to. See your therapist, and if that is not a productive relationship, find a new one, but find good support. The WLS experience is a metaphor as well as a reality we each live with. If you do bad one day, forgive yourself and do right the next day. While you are at it, try the same about you and about life. Be kind to yourself and take care...

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenn75

Let's just say tonight that I don't like myself very much. I wish it were easier to apply the lessons I've learned but no, I rationalize and rationalize until I convince myself I'm doing the right thing...for now. I don't feel like getting into the details, but I'm seriously just not happy. I need some sort of revelation or some sort of help. I guess I will just have to go back to my therapist (who I thought I just said "see ya if I need ya" to just a week or so ago). I can't stand myself sometimes. It's so hard when you think you're this new person and that you can do things differently and get different results, yet I'm still getting the same results, I'm just 64 lbs lighter. I always feel like I'm on top of the world and nothing can go wrong, but then it does and I'm right back to where I was before surgery...down on myself, depressed, and feeling like an unlovable loser. Well, I guess I was due for a good cry.

jenn75 · 07-04-2009, 08:31 AM

Thanks. I just realize that there still is some dissatisfaction within myself that I can't quite harness and conquer. I'm trying to use some avenues to help with that but they are probably the wrong ones because I just end up disappointed. I don't know how I'm going to make my life more peaceful and fulfilling, but I really don't feel happy about how empty I feel inside. I spend money and try to look for men...both of which just make me disappointed in the end. I don't know what I'm doing at this point. I lost weight, I'm losing weight, and I still feel like I'm somehow missing out on life. My perpetual shyness keeps me from getting involved socially with new things/ideas I've had...mainly because I'd have to do them/go to them alone. That's why I keep searching for a partner. I've never been good at doing things by myself. I thought maybe I'd get past that after losing weight, but it's still here with me. So I don't do anything or go anywhere when my friends are all busy (except shop and spend more money, I do that alone all too well.) I need hobbies, I need a life. I'm still not living fully. Last year was the worst of it...being my heaviest, withdrawing from friends, etc. I thought I'd be different but I'm not. I thought of volunteering, taking a class, etc., yet I never do any of it. I just recently thought about joining a gym so that I'm "out there" more...but that of course involves spending more $.

Kimberly76 · 07-04-2009, 11:15 AM

I understand doing whatever adventure alone. Heh, I was the fat girl with NO friends. But! I always went and did. Perhaps find a social group and voulenteer? In those types of situations, you give back to your community, you don't end up spending money you don't have, and they have single people that do it too. Plus you fill a void in your heart. There isn't anything more enjoyable than giving unselfishly of yourself.

I do pray you feel better about yourself, you look wonderful and i lovers yous.

mad mucho <3,

NorCalRN · 07-05-2009, 01:21 AM

This may be coming a little late to the game...

But here in Northern California, there are a ton of "adventure groups" for singles, where once a week or however often, they plan something fun. No pressure on "dating" or hooking up- just everyone trying new things together and making friends with likeminded folks. Might be rockclimbing one week, surfing another, hiking trails.... kayaking, etc. So it's active, you get to meet all diff people and maybe even just make some good "Girl friends", since there is no pressure to date on these events.

If I were single- I think thats what I would want to be doing. Learning and experiencing new things, (NOT alone), meeting new people in a fairly laid back, no pressure situation and making friends. You should look into it and allow yourself to take the pressure off. Try and really tap into and enjoy being "alone"/single and make it yours. You just might surprise yourself.

GTR-Mark · 07-05-2009, 07:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kimberly76

I understand doing whatever adventure alone. Heh, I was the fat girl with NO friends. But! I always went and did. Perhaps find a social group and voulenteer? In those types of situations, you give back to your community, you don't end up spending money you don't have, and they have single people that do it too. Plus you fill a void in your heart. There isn't anything more enjoyable than giving unselfishly of yourself.

I do pray you feel better about yourself, you look wonderful and i lovers yous.

mad mucho <3,

This is a great idea and I would also suggest thinking about hobbies you do or may enjoy that get you out. Photography could be one as you mentioned that you really like art.