"But you have such a great personality..." - Page 25 - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

scoman187 · 06-28-2009, 08:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baja Big Dog

I can have my "Man Card" pulled for this post, but here goes...

Isnt it nice to be in the drivers seat for a change? Have you made your "getting into the pants rule" yet? That is the amount of time of dating prior to intimacy, yes "getting into your pants" is a little harsh, but it is reality!!

This is the time that YOU decide it takes to move to the "closing of the deal", Im ashamed that I could talk about this, since I am a MAN..and closing the deal on the first date is cool, but not if your looking for anything serious, or long term, even if its just as a good friend, or even a "friend with benefits", the main line is that YOU have control, of when, where, and how you make the move, and its kinda nice aint it??

Accept it or not, (it is hard for many of us former fatties) YOU ARE ONE GOOD LOOKING GIRL!! You are also in the drivers seat, take your time with these guys, but most important, even if the guy is not the perfect guy you dream of, give it time, and stay on control of the dating situation.

Side note, dont be afraid to tell these guys what you want, like and dislike, make it easy for them to understand who you are, and if the topic of conversation is sex within the first few dates, move on, his intentions are not what you need for a relationship, but again, tell them,men are basically stupid, and mostly clueless, so tell them...if you want to be kissed on the first date, move that into conversation, but let him know that a kiss is good, making out and spittin all over each other is not good...until the second date!! lol(damn, I cant believe Im saying this!!

Yeah.........what he said...

jenn75 · 06-28-2009, 08:42 PM

Today's second date was ok - it started at 9:30 am! We went to breakfast which was delish and I had chosen this place on a whim b/c I just realized it existed yesterday. Then we went to the museum ...started off in the history part but didn't finish and then migrated to the modern art/paintings. We got along fine. Then he drops a bomb...he lives with his parents. He actually owns a couple places (and rents them out) but he lives with his parents b/c he said he can't afford to live on his own right now b/c he owes a lot of money due to the child custody stuff last year. Until he told me that, I was really digging him. He's totally embarrassed by it, and I realized I had made fun of my other friend Matt for living in his mom's basement to Brandon last time we went out so I mentioned that I was sorry for that (Matt has no reason - financial or otherwise, to still be living with his mom...he moved in after he got divorced several years ago). Anyway, he kept saying that I'm such a great woman that surely I could do better than him or my past relationships (when they were being discussed). He really wanted to know what I've had some really shitty choices in men. So I had to sum it all up that I had low self-esteem, depression, and didn't think anyone else would come along. Plus, I'm just the kind of person that stays in relationships and tries to make them work even though the other person doesn't. Then he was hungry again around 3 pm so we left and I suggested another local restaurant my friend told me about. He mentioned that he thought I was "serious & stern" and wondered how I would appreciate the fact that he was goofy a lot. Well, I told him I don't like being embarrassed or attention drawn to myself, so that's why the goofiness may not be good for me, but he claims he doesn't like to draw attention to himself. I said, "wow, you're using the words serious and stern to describe me, that can't be good". He claims it wasn't meant to be negative. I was imagining myself drafting a "sorry, we're not compatible" email to him. He took me home and on the way home he said that he wanted to let me know that he takes things really slow. I said that was fine, I wasn't in a hurry. He mentioned that his expectations are rarely met when he first meets someone. I agreed and said it takes a few dates to determine whether you even want it to turn into something or not. I thought he meant that I did not meet all of his expectations, and so I agreed with him and said that in general most guys don't meet mine. But then after clarification he meant that I had EXCEEDED his expectations. At that point I felt stuck, confused, but also flattered. Other than living with his parents, I also still don't find that there's tons of chemistry, but then again, after what he said it does sound like he's holding that part back for a while. He definitely does seem like a decent guy, I like that he likes art and stuff like that. I guess at this point I'm undecided. Ugh. I'm trying to give it a chance to grow. But of course part of me thinks it's going to be hard to date someone who lives with their parents. Then he texted me later to say he had a good time with me. The truth is, I did enjoy his company and spending time with him, even though I was exhausted from a very busy weekend.

Kymel · 06-29-2009, 02:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baja Big Dog

Well give the dam card back...Ive been asked for it a few times, and I have to make excuses!!!

Not to hi-jack...but this is the only place I've seen Baja post something of this nature and I'd like to defend his man-card. He can keep it in his wallet. I'd like to say thanks for the post you risked your man card on. As women trying to field our way through all the, um, for lack of a better term - crap - out there...In my opinion it's nice to have your take on it, and we can use all the help we can get! Info from someone that does play the field, and does have friends with benifits around - real situations we're potentiall dealing with out there - is priceless. When we're involved with a situation like that, it's not like we can ask the guy that's in the situation - hey, what's going on in your head? Granted you can't speak for your entire gender or anything, but the insight you gave is huge. For me personally, it really helped to see that even though you're open to certain things, it doesn't nececarily change the rules. I'm speaking in ambiguous terms, and I'm sorry...

Dating/seeing/FWB/etc rules seem to have changed a lot since I was last in the dating scene - and I've been confused on some of the expectations out there, and what's acceptable anymore...and closing the deal on the first date is cool, but not if your looking for anything serious, or long term, even if its just as a good friend, or even a "friend with benefits", the main line is that YOU have control, of when, where, and how you make the move, and its kinda nice aint it?? I guess I want to say that it's refreshing to hear this, and a wake up call for me personally. I'm not sure how else to say what is really in my head about it, but Baja - thanks for writing this...it's empowering - and there's nothing wrong with that.

Ok back to Jen...

Bama · 06-30-2009, 08:33 AM

Jenn,

My $.02 worth on this would be- Don't try to define it. Just let it happen naturally. If you guys end up getting married and having 10 kids- great. If you just end up being friends-great. Let it run its course naturally.

jenn75 · 06-30-2009, 10:06 AM

Thanks, Bama. I do appreciate your two cents, because, well, it's easy to try to analyze everything/everyone, at least for me it is. I have a problem with just enjoying the ride...always gotta be looking in too deeply. I'm trying not to, I really am! I haven't written him off yet. I will play it by ear.

I have put myself back out there on some dating sites, and let's just say there are suddenly tons of men contacting me. Not all fabulous, but there are some gems I think. I'm talking to one guy who's really active with the outdoors, camping, repelling, etc. Sounds adventurous and fun to me. On some sites, you can add people as your favorites (but they can see that you added them as such, so I've never done it). I decided to favorite this one guy b/c he was simply adorable and had a lot going for him. Well, he contacted me. How lovely. I'm starting to enjoy the idea of trying out different guys. That never really appealed to me before.

Kimberly76 · 06-30-2009, 10:17 AM

jenn, mah darling...

I love-love the new avi! you look smashing darling..

are you like me these days and find yourself snapping your picture just to snap it?

I never had pics of me taken, and now it's like strike a pose everytime I get a chance.

jenn75 · 06-30-2009, 11:12 AM

Thanks my dear. I was taking some pics for my dating profile...hence the avi pic. Yes, it is a pleasure to have lots of good photos to choose from rather than finding the one that makes me look "less fat". It's a good feeling!

trish29 · 06-30-2009, 04:41 PM

Funny, funny how all of us single ladies are navigating the dating world and having similar experiences.

I agree with Bama - don't try to define it, just try to enjoy it. That is my mantra right now. I have a cutie, going on two months, we act like bf/gf, but haven't had the talk and I just feel like I need to let go of the idea that I need the talk.. ya know?

Anyways Jenn, I was also going to say give the guy a break about living with parents. SO many people are doing that lately..I did it for awhile. If that is the ONLY negative so far, thats a pretty good deal.

Also, I did lots of online dating. I'm sure you are already weeding out the people who are just on there for casual sex??? It gets pretty obvious.

Good luck! WE all deserve good men :-)

jenn75 · 06-30-2009, 07:36 PM

Trish, thanks for your input! I know, I don't blame him at all for living with his parents...do you know how many times I fantasize about it so I can pay off my debt...lots and lots of debt? I just thought it might put a slight damper on things.

Anyway, I have ended things with Brandon. I just sent him an email telling him I just didn't feel the whole dating vibe and that I didn't think there was potential for more so I didn't want to waste his time. He wanted me to spend pretty much the whole day with him on the 4th. I have to go to a family picnic anyway. I just don't want to put up with feeling "iffy" about someone. I was never really enthused about him...my co-worker even said to me today ...Jenn, you're not feeling this one. I agreed.

I really don't care at this point what happens with any of the other guys. I hate feeling like I'm on a roller coaster ride - self-inflicted mostly. I just beat myself up over and over for taking the risks, then I say I don't want to meet anyone, then I'm bored and lonely b/c all of my friends are married/with someone, then I start to look again. Ugh. Vicious cycle. I really just want a best friend. I guess that's too much to ask for.

Bama · 06-30-2009, 09:32 PM

Jenn,

I was once told you should live your life wide open. Your on the right path. Once your living your life and not enduring it, look around to see who's running the same direction you are and the same pace. Then invite them to come and navigate with you. So finding a friend first isn't too far off base. It's easier to become intimate and passionate about someone who you have already fallen in love with. I have seen it makes things much harder to fall in love with someone who you only have a physical attraction to.

Just enjoy your new life. Don't rush it. When you least expect it, it will drop in your lap. Good luck, friend.