Finding the me in Mel - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

Kymel · 11-19-2008, 10:35 AM

Well, here goes…

My journey started, as most of ours do, in childhood. On my father’s side, nearly everyone is morbidly obese. On my mother’s side, many are overweight or obese. Between the both of them, even at a normal weight, I am at risk for heart disease, cancer, and diabetes. I chose to have my surgery after countless years of unsuccessful attempts to loose weight and be healthier.

I wasn’t an obese kid, but was always a bit overweight. During my teen years, I fought my weight daily. I exercised, was in sports, watched what I ate and also (unfortunately) took diet pills on occasion. Through all of those efforts, it seemed to just stabilize my weight at the time, but I was never successful in loosing.

After I got out of school and started working, the exercise dropped off and I picked up some habits with emotional eating…adding a few pounds here and there. Within a few years, I became pregnant with my daughter, and while I took excellent care of myself over those 9 months, I didn’t manage to stick with the healthy habits after I gave birth. For the first year and a half, I was a single mom holding 2-3 jobs to make ends meet financially – which left no time to take care of myself. Finances being what they were at the time, I bought what I could for my daughter’s nutrition, and went with the cheap stuff for myself.

I was 22 at the time, and had met someone that became a part of our lives and eventually moved in with us. While I was cooking healthier foods, I failed to watch the portion sizes going onto my plate. I was accustom to eating 1 dish meals, but with providing for others, that transpired into 3-4 dishes to cover all the nutrition bases. Problem was, I was eating 2-3 times the amount of food. Anyway, over the course of about 4 years, I had gained about 60-70 pounds, weighing in at around 210. We had many other problems, but a major one that he couldn’t get over was my weight gain. So, eventually we split up.

At that time my emotional roller coaster went into overdrive. I was depressed and felt like if he couldn’t accept me how I was than no one could. I had been making efforts during those years to loose, but just progressively gained instead. Exercise was nearly impossible as my back and lower legs were having some kind of circulation problem which prevented me from even moving fast enough to get my heart rate up. I would try to go on walks with my friends, or on breaks at work and would have to stop in less than 5 minutes to try and massage some feeling back into my lower legs. The more I hurt, the more frustrated I became, and that led me to stop caring about my body. And the worst part of it was that I couldn’t get out and do things with my daughter. I always sat on the sidelines, never being an active participant in her sports and activities. I felt ashamed to go places with her, worrying that other parents or her friends would judge her or tease her due to how I looked.

So, over the course of about 5 years, I had managed to inflate myself up to around 250 pounds. So, here’s the embarrassing details that should be fessed up…the low point. Just about any good habits I did have, had long ago walked out and locked the door behind them. I was eating whatever I wanted, when ever I wanted. There were times that I would sit down with a bag of chips – a regular size bag of chips meant to take to a picnic – and eat it while watching a movie. Usually, once I opened it, it would be gone by the end of the day. We ate out at fast food restaurants around 3-4 times a week, and on my hard days, everything got supersized. Pop was a regular staple for beverages, with water coming into the picture maybe once or twice a month. I took no vitamins, and had very little nutrition my body needed coming in. I remember the realization that at nearly every meal I ate, I would be “Thanksgiving full”. I would eat till it hurt – then finally stop. Of course an hour later, there would be something more to munch on.

I had heard about Lap Banding online and heard some reports in the news about some success stories and started looking into it. After doing some research on the process, I thought it might be a good idea. Sounded ‘simple’ enough. Less food going in was what I needed. If I could get the portions under control, I could do the rest of it.

It took me 3 years to decide to have the surgery. Why so long? The two main reasons – I’m stubborn with a strong need to feel pride in what I do…and the cost of the surgery. When I first started looking into it, my insurance company didn’t cover them – so that was a major hurdle. The other factor, was that I was afraid that if I used an aid, I wouldn’t be able to look at my progress with the same amount of pride in my self as if I were to accomplish it on my own. I was afraid that it might send me into a further depression because I had to have help (sounds crazy now!), and I think I was most afraid to give up my one friend that had been there for me whenever I needed it – food.

My turning point was realizing that even though I wanted to do it on my own, the only success I had seen in 8 years was to reach the end of the line on the scale. I was 4 pounds away from turning the dial back to 0 at 296 pounds. I was carrying not only a whole extra person, but amounted to 2 overweight people for my height. I was sad, and I was scared of so many things – being alone for the rest of my life, dying at an early age, missing out on so much of my daughters experiences, and so much more. So, after doing a ton of research on the different methods, and peoples good and bad stories, I made the decision that it is something that I want to pursue. When my insurance company included the surgery and related treatments into their program, I started looking even more intensely.

In November of 2007 I took the first steps on my new journey. I attended a weight loss surgery seminar at Legacy Emanuel in Portland Oregon to start the process. I chose Legacy because they seemed to have the best program in our area (that my insurance would cover), and came across as a caring group of folks – not just processing ‘yet another patient’. I filled out my patient application and had it in the mail the very next day. It took about 3 weeks, but I was approved into the program and started my lab work and initial consultations in January 2008. My blood labs came back and showed that I had high cholesterol, I was just below the borderline mark for diabetes, and several other indicators showing that if I didn’t do something soon, I was in for some real trouble down the road.

The program required me to loose 5% to show a level of commitment to the life changes I was aiming at. Funny thing was, that I thought they meant that I’d have to loose it before we progressed any further. I had 4.5 weeks till my next appointment, and worked very hard to loose 15 pounds by then. I was actually still 4 pounds away, 2 days out, so I just about stopped eating entirely to knock off the extra 4 to get there. What would be worse than being just a few pounds away from the mark and having to wait another entire month for another appointment? When I went in for my follow up appointment, I was informed that the 5% loss was between the start date and the day of surgery! Silly me!

My paperwork was forwarded on and approved for the next phase. I went in for the CPAP sleep test…which was no fun at all. I had doctors appointments early the morning prior, so I figured it should be easy for me to get to sleep that night, regardless of the all the wires attached to my head and upper body. My brain works in weird ways. After I couldn’t fall asleep on my own, I rang for the nurse and took them up on their offer of some Ambien. I laid there floating in and out of a semi-conscious state…and started wondering about things. Like, since they can tell that I’m awake, can they tell what I’m thinking? If I do math problems while I’m laying here, does it make the little lines spike on the papers? Yep, I laid there thinking of algebra problems for about a half an hour. Man, I’d hate to see what my chart looked like for the whole night. I didn’t think I had enough sleep for them to get an accurate result, but as it turns out I did. They said I had a few disturbances, but it wasn’t enough to need a CPAP during surgery.

January, February and March – I had various appointments with a nutritionist, physical therapist, psychologist, nurse practitioner and the surgeon. In March I finally made my selection for having the bypass surgery rather than the band…but only after 2 consultations with Dr. Jan. For me the decision was based on knowledge of my personal habits and the long term results of each procedure. I had initially leaned toward the band because it was less invasive, had slower rate of loss (hopefully less skin sag), and could be “shut off” or removed when all was right with the world again. BUT, research had shown me that the long term results for the band weren’t as good as the bypass, and there were more ways to ‘get around’ it…which is a problem for me. So after tons of decisions and discussions with Dr. Jan, I decided on the bypass. Dr. Jan and the shrink also pointed out something else - is that with this process...there is never a 'return to normal'. Even with the band - once you have acquired your goal weight, you can't just go have it removed and live like a normal person again. It doesn't work that way. The shrink is a band patient - and had the stomach flu at one time, caused inflamation in his pouch....so they had to go and reduce the restriction for a few weeks so he could get proper nutrition in. He said that once the restriction was gone, and he could eat a little more - his body wanted more...and it was serious about it. All the intense hunger came back, and it came back to the level of his full original stomach capacity. There is never a return to normal...it is a new way of LIFE.

April 8, 2008 – the big day. I weighed in at 268 that morning at the hospital. The wait prior to surgery was agonizing. We arrived at the hospital around 10 am, did some tests, and tons of paperwork. I stared getting a bit nervous and realizing the enormity of what I was about to do. I’ve had one other surgery in my life (besides going through the process of childbirth), but there wasn’t much time to sit around and debate what was going on. The hospital had recommended bringing something to read, which I did…but I couldn’t focus on the words. I had re-read the same paragraph probably 15 times before I finally gave up on it. I had my step-mom and a good friend there with me too. So they tried to ease my nerves and keep it light. Around 4:00, the nurses came to get me…and man was that a long ride to the OR. Honestly, I almost asked her to stop and let me off. We entered the OR – which was freezing. Everyone introduced themselves, they gassed me up and started in.

My stay in the hospital was 3 days, most went smoothly, other than the last nurse I had…oh well, you can’t win them all. I had done really well on the whole sipping thing while in the hospital, but then I got in the car to go home and the first drink I took out of a bottle freaked me out. I wound up taking a swig of water, rather than a sip – and tried to catch it half way down my esophagus. Luckily it didn’t hurt (probably had something to do with all the pain meds I was on!), but I came to the stark realization that yes, indeed life was going to be different from here on out.

My recovery time was right around 3 weeks in regard to movement and pain. And I returned to work at the 4 week mark after the follow up with the surgeon. The weeks previous to my appointment I had a painful tugging sensation just below my ribs on the left side, which stopped about 2 days before my appointment. Dr. Jan explained that there were some internal stitches holding some things in place for support and that the tugging was normal. It had stopped abruptly probably because the stitches had dissolved and were no longer pulling.

Between my return to work and now…seems like an entirely different world. I have grown accustom to my new way of life, and even though sometimes I miss some of the old stuff – it’s never enough to want to go back. I remain vigilant on what does and doesn’t go into my mouth. Even though I’ve been cleared for months to eat some things – I still choose not to, simply because I don’t need to. My theology is that there’s no sense in going through all of this just to screw it up again. This is a second chance at a good (and hopefully long) life.

I’ve had several great “WOW” moments over the last 7 months, but one of the best ones yet was running into my ex (who has gained ‘some’ weight himself) and him telling me that I look great. Know what? Yeah, I do. And even better? I feel really good too…mind, body and spirit. I’m finally finding the me that’s been tucked away in all those layers of fat and depression. I’m happier, I’m more confident, and I don’t feel twice as old as I am anymore. And the best part about it? My daughter is finally getting to see me too. I always felt horrible that the entire time she was growing up (she’s 13 now), she’s never seen the fun or active side of me. Now we can get out and have fun TOGETHER instead of me just taking her to have fun.

Currently, as of November 2008, I have lost 109 pounds, weighing in at 187 - 7.5 months post-op. All my docs say I'm doing great and on target. At my last appointment (earlier this month) the nurse practitioner said that I should be at 190 by 1.5 to 2 years out from my surgery (I was at 198 at the time). I have some minor sagging skin, but not too bad so far...other than my boobs, which sounds very common. I've never thought of having a boob job before (ther than a reduction), but now I'm leaning toward maybe a lift in a year or two...just to keep from scaring anyone out there who may have the occasion to look at them some day.

. And I was just told for the first time today that my butt seems to have gone missing!

Well, that’s it for me (for now). I absolutely love my new life, and have zero regrets on my decision to have the surgery. I hope to get to know some of you out there a little better and be an active part of this forum.

My guidelines I keep to:
60 oz of water a day
60g or more of Protein a day
Single digit fat content per serving
Less than 12g of sugar per serving
10-20g of protein or more per serving
Look for fiber content
NO trans fats
Very low saturated fats - if not 0
NO hydrogenated oils
NO high fructose corn syrup
NO carbonation
Try to keep things as natural and organic as possible
3 meals and 2 snacks – no grazing
TAKE SUPPLIMENTS!

Other WOW moments and milestones:
• Riding roller coasters this summer
• Removing the band extension on my watch
• Shopping in the Misses clothing sizes instead of plus sizes (way more selection!)
• Needing to get new shoes because all my old ones are stretched out
• Sitting down at restaurant tables and not have my belly and boobs resting on the table
• Putting on clothes tucked away in the closet that are now too big
• Trying on ‘little black dresses’ for a party, and not hating the image in the mirror. I haven’t even worn a dress in 6 years.
• Being able to walk until I get tired instead of stopping because of pain

Vim&Vigour · 11-19-2008, 12:54 PM

Welcome Mel!
I give your thread 5* - you have worded so well what most of us have experienced and no doubt we all recognise ourselves in your lines.
I am really happy for you to have found your way in life - you sound genuinely on the right path! Congratulations on your recovered sense of being and wellness! May all continue to move smoothly along from here. And importantly, enjoy your daughter! What a support and encouragement you must be for her now, now that her world of disruptive hormones lurks! I bet your experience will be supportive and helpful to others too!
Best wishes and I for one am really glad to have you on board!
Cheers,
Vim

tygrysku · 11-19-2008, 01:48 PM

wow... i see so many similarities. Someone close to me last night asked why i was feeling depressed. i have been working hard on my weight pre op since oct 9th. and even more so since 11/11. i tried to put into words what my relationship with food has been for the past 50 years.

it has been my friend, my consoler, my cohort. It was up with me when i was happy, it was down with me when i was depressed. When i was lost, scared, or feeling alone it comforted me. It has been there with me through personal triumps and failures, it is the one thing in my life that never let me down. and now, well.. now it is like saying good bye to that old friend.

the emotional attatchment i have formed with food, albeit unhealthy is none the less real. i know i am not in for a picnic, i also know i may require counseling at some point. i am open and accepting of that.

admitting, to my friend last night my relationship with food, was a real eye opener. as he knew it would be. i now strive, and have done so since i started this journey to take control of my own life, and no longer be a slave to my old friend food.

i can do this. i will do this. i am empowered.

Kymel · 01-07-2009, 09:02 AM

Well, I figured I'd drop a note and give an update to my progress. I'm currently down 120 pounds from the start of this whole process, which was approximately 1 year ago. I had the profound realization yesterday that I've reached the 1 year mark since my first appointments at the Obesity Institute at Legacy. One year since I've had a pop. One year since I've ate a fast food hamburger or deep fried chicken anything. One year since I've written so many nutritionally bad things out of my life. And I don't miss them at all. I was really scared in the beginning that I wouldn't be able to last. Maybe a month or so, but then slip back. I've been so proud of myself looking over the past year and seeing the remarkable changes not only in my body, but in my health, my character, attitude and emotional well being. Little bumps in the road don't trip me up anymore. AND, I realized this morning that I'm only 27 mere pounds away from my first goal. I never EVER thought I'd be able to say that again. It's just a fraction from what I've accomplished so far.

So what have I been up to the past couple months? Everything!

Mid November I decided that I need to start getting my rear out there and be more active, so I started going to a track near our house. I started out with a brisk walk and worked up to about 2.5 miles a day. Then I started getting bored and hated that it took so long to get the mileage in...so I got curious to see if I could handle jogging yet. Turns out, I could. Just before it started getting bitter cold, I was up to doing a 1/4 mile lap at a time blending walking and jogging and covering about 3 miles. I even tried an all out run for 100 meters, and was rather impressed that my legs remembered how to sprint...seeing as I haven't even remotely tried in nearly 20 years. When the weather started getting too cold, I finally broke down and signed up at the local gym. It's really small, so I wasn't too sure how it would work out, but it's been just the right size for now. I would like to see more strength training equipment, but oh well...I can make do. Currently I go about 3-4 times a week - spend 20-30 minutes on an eliptical runner; then move to ab, arm and leg weight machines for about 30 minutes; and finish off with a stationary bike for about 20-30 minutes (when it's available...which is only half the time I'm there).

I've found myself loosening up on my food rules some here and there. Sometimes with the welcome reprucussions (little reminders to keep me in line), and sometimes not. I try to not look at it as failure...as we're supposed to be learning to eat normally without going over limits. Up till now, I've been a real hard-ass on myself about not going anywhere near anything I shouldn't have. I'm still loosing, so I guess it's not all bad - as long as I don't loose sight of my goals and what I need to do to ultimately reach them.

In December we had our Christmas party for work - which I wore my very first little black dress to. There were several people there that hadn't seen me in several months - and completely didn't recognize me. They had talked to me and done the plesantries thing then walked off...only to come back over (after talking to someone else and asking who I was - thinking I was one of the other employees wives) and say "oh my God! I can't believe that's you! What a transformation..." Really it's quite funny. I'm still way happier to hear that, than to have run into someone I haven't seen for a while and have them not recognize me under all that fat.

My daugher and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch. I really wish I would have done this sooner and had a chance to bond with her better before she hit her teenage years. Now she's become sullen and starting to withdraw in their normal way. It doesn't make it any easier with me needing time for the gym and the new social life I'm acquiring...there just doesn't seem to be enough time in the week. She told me last week that she feels like I've changed since the surgery. It's such a difficult time right now. She's pulling away some (and needs to), and it feels like I'm pulling away some too, but really, it would be a normal amount of space if I hadn't been such a hermit the last 9 years. We'll be ok, it's just an adjustment, and a little bit of a rocky road for now till we get it figured out.

I have started going out and mingling again. Even been on a few dates lately. It's a very strange and surreal world out there now. I still don't see myself as a size 12 yet, so it always suprises me when I'm approached or someone buys me a drink. I've spent so many years being completely invisible when out in public, so it's a little overwhelming at times. For those with the alcohol tollerance questions - yes, it hits me faster than it used to, but I've found that I'm able to drink more (a lot more) than I thought I would be able to. This may be a bit TMI, but along the dating lines, I have ventured a little back into the world of sex...and have found it more difficult than before. Mostly just my insecurities over my body. The old insecurities about how I look and feel to the touch have been replaced by worrying about my skin flopping around too much and the wonderful new slapping sounds that come from the floppy skin...mucho embarassing for me, but the distraction seemed to be only one sided (thank God!). Hopefully all the time I'm spending in the gym will help with the loose skin over time.

So that brings up another typical question for those looking for info...As of tomorrow (by real birthday!), I will be 9 months post-op. I have lost 120 pounds altogether, so that's 95 since the day of surgery. My boobs have shrunk from a DD to a C - they're kinda hanging low, but are still filled out some, so I haven't quite hit the dreaded tube sock look yet. Although I do find it extremly funny that I've been lifting weights to streghthen up my pecks to hopefully pull the girls back up a bit, but instead I'm getting muscle tone bumps above my boobs, so I've just about effectively got 4 boobs now. Not quite the effect I was going for, but hopefully it will come in time. The back of my upper arms started to get the bat-wing look, but that area is actually improving with lifting weights. My inner thighs are a mess - loose, saggy and do this weird lumpy, blobby, bulge thing when I stand with my feet together. My belly area is a little droopy, but it's still manage to be the last holdout on the fat reduction war, so for my new body size, I still look 6 months pregnant. My butt, back, lower legs, lower arms, hands, ankles and feet all look fabulous. Well maybe not my butt and back - they're just ok and not sagging so far, but I'm working on the fabulous part.

Right now, I'm really looking forward to spring and summer. I bought a bike last summer, and got a local hiking book for us for Christmas, so I intend on putting both of them to good use this year. I spent a lot of time on the local trails as a kid, but my daughter hasn't hardly seen any of them - so I'm excited to start sharing them with her.

Kymel · 05-06-2009, 04:14 PM

Not much has changed since my post in January, but I wanted to make a post at this milestone anyway. I've read many of your stories, and surgiversary announcements and noted things that I've noticed in my own journey. Maybe this post will be more for me - to come back to later...but hopefully it will be informational for others also.

First of all, I really wish I would have kept up on this journal a little better. Documented some of the smaller things, more often. I'm already starting into that fuzzy state of not really remembering the path I've taken to get here. I love being here - but I feel that its really important for me to remember the journey.

I like so many others am now a new person. A combination of who I was prior to being super-big, some fat-woman...and a whole new character thats blooming out of the ashes. Do I like who I am now? I think I can say that I like some parts of me better, but I have also discovered that I still have some old demons to deal with. I like that I'm not physically limited anymore. I love that I haven't found my physical limitations yet! This summer my goal is to keep going until I can't...just to see where I'm at, and how far I've come. I like that I no longer feel ashamed to be out in public - especially that I don't feel like I may be an embarassment to my daughter. She never would have said anything of the sort, but I felt it so often in the past. I like that I'm no longer invisible to everyone, including myself. I like that others are taking the time to see the potential I know I have. I like that I know my body is healthier than it was, and that I have added precious years back onto my ultimate calendar. I like not having to find or figure out adjustments for size realted issues (seat belts, chairs, etc).

Do I know who I am now? Not yet. Being in my mid-30's I guess this is about the time that should normally happen anyway - but now I've got all these changes added in. So...maybe some day. I'm on my way there, and I hope that whatever I encounter along the way that I don't like - I will have the courage to face it, fix it and make it something I can be proud of.

Not that everyone wants to know my laundry, but...well, admitting it is half the battle right? The past few months I've been trying to battle some of my bigger inner-demons and so far I'm finding that without talking about them...I'm continuing to tuck them away. I need to deal with this stuff. So, read with a grain of salt, or comment if you like...

I've been what most would consider fairly successful in my weight loss journey. To me, it's relative. Yes, in the first year I've lost around 130 pounds...but it's still early, I'm still a toddler and have a long road ahead. As Pheonix has mentioned many times relating to addition transference and other subjects - if we don't deal with the underlying issues, we are sure to be doomed to repeat them. My last few months have shown me that I have some major work to do if I want to keep this new body and life I've worked so hard for. I was, and apparently still am, an emotional eater. It wasn't my only eating habit, but a major contributor. In February, I had my heart broken for the first time in years. While I didn't grab a tub of Ben & Jerry's...I did stumble and turn to food a few times. I try to focus on the fact that half of the urges I fought off...but the other half scare me. That fear is good, but I need to put it into better practice. Since then, I have found myself at least a few times a week, eating out of boredom. This too I need to reign in NOW. Again, it's not unhealthy foods...but it's re-instilling the habit, and it's a habit I don't want. I have also started sneaking in bites of 'normal' food. Some out there would say that this is fine. I know the process is supposed to teach us to eat normally, in moderation. For me though, those 'normal' foods are like whiskey to an alcoholic. Once stopped, there's no "safe sip". I don't trust myself. I've tried the self psychology of convincing myself that if I allow a nibble and then stop - I'll have one more thing to be proud of. One more tick on my list of successes. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The times it doesn't, are when that one taste brings on cravings. Maybe I fight the cravings, maybe I take another bite. So far I haven't fallen so far off the wagon that I take more than 2 or 3 bites...but I find myself with thoughts that - if I wait a half an hour, my body won't reject 3 more. Danger zone!

Outside the food addiction issues, the weight loss and added confidence has opened me back up to the potential of dating and relationships. I've mentioned some it in prior posts, but I've left out the hurdle. When I was younger and previously dating, I never took the time to figure out who I was and what I wanted. I based my worth on what others thought about me, whether I was attactive or not, whether I was wanted, or could be wanted. During the times of rejection - whether it be a guy, a close friend or a family member - I would slip into a depression, feel worthless and not take care of myself (bad eating, no exercize, drinking, promescuity, etc). After I started really gaining weight, I pulled myself out of the public eye - so really the only thing I had to deal with was family and friends on occasion. Through that process, I really just tucked the issue away. I felt horrible about myself and felt even more worthless and unwanted. My daughter loved me unconditionally and that was my one saving grace. Now that the layers are being peeled, I'm finding just how important it is for me to work on this part of my life. I've found myself tripping over small hurdles worse than I thought I would. Little things still cause me to withdraw and want to quit. Although it isn't as bad as it was, as I mentioned, I'm still occasionally turning to food (already). I've turned to drinking also - with the excuse that it's social, and I can loosen up around people better. People like me better after a few, I'm not so uptight. Which leads to the next problem...I've found that I still have a problem with other limits, after I've had more than a few. I don't know how to say this. Its' personal, very personal for me, and very embarassing for me. I read in a post a few weeks ago (by Ani, aka health4life) something that finally puts into words my past, and unfortuantely my present at times: "I made pretty poor choices, letting anyone who wanted me, to take me out...and take advantage of me too". *DING* I don't accept anything that I really don't want, BUT, honestly...the attention from a half-decently appealing guy is intoxicating for me. (On top of being intoxicated, it's not a good mix.) I stay level headed when not drinking...but introduce the alcohol and I nearly always come away with some kind of regret. Not only the health ramifications of my actions are scary to me...but the regret is my living nightmare. Those choices and the ensuing regret are chipping away at my newly reconstructed self confidence, pride, and emotional stability that are the foundation of my success. Still being a toddler in this process, it wouldn't take much chipping to crumble into failure.

So where am I going with this? (besides airing my laundry to the world??). For those struggling, you aren't alone. I feel that way, but inside I know I can't be. I know I'm harder on myself and hold myself more accountable than necessary for normal human standards. For those starting the process - follow the advice given here so many times...get your emotions and mind straight and in a good place as much as you can before entering. For those that have been there, done that...I only ask for a kick in the ass...cause I need it

.

I've been procrastinating writing this, because I haven't been in a great place. So I'm actually at nearly 13 months now. Something else I've procrastinated about doing...which I am going to start on tonight...is re-evaluating my goals. I'm a new person now, and need a new set of goals to go along with it. I've reached many of them I set last year, and I think in doing that I've put myself on cruise control for a bit without new benchmarks to reach for. So...off I go to work on that list. Hopefully I'll get around to documenting them here. I've meant to share my original list of reasons I wanted to have the surgery too. Maybe in the next few days, you'll all get a good laugh, and a shared trip down memory lane?

So back to the beginning comment of this diatribe - have I been successful so far? With loosing 82% of my excess body weight? Yes, that is success. With knowing that I'm going to keep it off? Working on it, but still feeling the fear that I may falter if I don't shape up. With getting my head straight? Not yet. Still have a ways to go with success on that one. But I'm hopefull. So as I said - it's relative. If I make it 10 years out, and get all of these on track, I'll be closer to saying that I'm successful. If I die an old, happy, healthy woman...then I've made it.

Don't get me wrong, I love my new life. I'm working on loving my new body (all parts the parts of it, not just the tone ones). And I love the potential I can now see in myself. I love that there's a light at the end of the tunnel again, but I'm being honest with myself too about the underlying issues to my food addiction. I don't want to ever go back, and the only way to do that is to get through it. No more pushing it off. No more hiding it.

I'll try and post some new pics soon too...love you guys. And thanks to everyone for their kind words, encouragement and advice over the past year.

Kymel · 05-06-2009, 04:38 PM

Shoot! All that personal junk coming off my chest made me forget the other important stuff!

My one year follow-up appointments went well. Nutritionist, physical therapist, psychologist, nurse practioner and the surgeon were all happy with my loss progress, food choices, and exercize program. My bloodwork came in good, although I didn't get a copy of it to compare to the original numbers. So, I don't know yet how much any conditions have improved.

Being in the northwest and our lack of sun, the surgeon opted to keep me on the 50,000 IU of vitamin D instead of taking me off -as I guess they usually do at 1 year.

My bone density test did some back a little low though, which I expected. I didn't really start taking any calcicum until a few months ago after reading the posts on flintstone vs. bariatric vitamin issues (thanks Corrine, Marella, Kel, Kristin and everyone else who contributed to that informational thread!). I ordered Celebrate's full line, as it just made finding things easier. Although I'd started taking my calcium, I was still only taking about half of it...until those test results came in. I'm at -1.2 on my lower back, and -1 on my hip. So, not to osteoperosis yet, but I've droped below the normal level for my age. I have a long way to go with these bones, and as they say - it's the only set I've got. I'd rather drop $10k on a new set of boobs than a hip replacement! So...yes, I'm now much more proactive about those 6 horse pills.

For those out there that haven't had the test yet...0 and up is 'normal/healthy'; 0 to -3 is (a mid range that I can't remember the name to, but starts with "osteo" and ends in "a"); below -3 is osteoperosis.

Water intake has been at 60-80 oz. I worked up a bunch of numbers based on online recommendations, what my nut gave me and what seems to be working for my body...based on those the following is my current daily intake goals for continuing loss: Calories 1200-1300, Fat 43-46g max, Sat Fat 10-10.5g max, Carb 81-87g max, Protein 100-140g. I had been monitoring my calories for 2 weeks and found that my body was maintaining at 1500...so even though the online calculators said that 1200 is my absolute rock bottom that I should go for my height, weight and activity level - my body knows othewise.

Lately I've only been making it to the gym once a week, but have been out digging in the yard and doing other active things on 2-3 other days. It's not as strenuous as when I go to the gym, but I've got to get things done around my place. I do still spend 1 to 1.5 hours at the gym, so I'm hoping that it will count to my body as 2 workouts. As soon as the yard is caught up and ready, I'll be returning to my 3 days a week in the gym.

ok...enough from me...blah, blah, blah! Quite the rambler, aren't I???

foxyfuzz · 05-06-2009, 06:56 PM

I really enjoyed reading your post/story.

You are not alone, and as I am sure you have heard, many of us have the same issues.

You have done amazing so far! And it will only GET BETTER!

Crimson Kittie · 05-06-2009, 08:29 PM

You've come a long way Baby!!

Kymel · 05-07-2009, 09:03 AM

As promised...I wrote this list about a month prior to surgery as a way for me to reflect back later and remember what it was to be morbidly obese and why I don't want to return to that state. I'm glad I did it. As I suspected, the small things fade over time...and a lot of those small things add up quickly into larger things. Anyway, here goes. Some are funny, and some - well, only other morbidly obese people would understand. These are of course, over and above the health and mortality related reasons. These are the little daily things...

* To lay on the couch without fighting with the cushions and feeling like I'm going to fall off
* To walk through an antique store without knocking things over (hips and belly)
* To ride on roller coasters with Kyla, instead of her having to go alone, or somone else filling in for me when she wants to go but is scared.
* To feel comfortable having a portrait or any picture taken with Kyla (or alone)
* To go bike riding
* To not have to look at the maximum weight restrictions on furniture, exercise equipment, etc prior to buying or using in fear of breaking it
* To use a normal bathroom stall without having to stand over the toilet just to open and close the door; or to have to contort my body around to be able to wipe
* To be able to sit in a restaurant booth and not have my belly overhang on the table
* To be able to stand up for more than 2-3 minutes without having to lean on something to ease the pain in my back and legs
* To be able to reach the parts of my body that I need to reach for good hygene
* To not get winded from walking less than a block
* To not have my belly turn on the burners of the stove when reaching over to get a cookbook
* To not have to expend so much energy lugging around an entire additional overweight person all day and not have energy to do much of anything else
* To only need to move the seat back in a car because of my leg length, not to accomodate my belly
* To not feel off balance when going down stairs
* To not have to wonder every time I go to the doctor if they are going to find a positive for diabetes
* To reduce the pain in my lower legs
* To sleep through the night without waking up from the pain in my arms, hands, back and hips
* To be able to plan for an hour or so activity or work and not have to pop 800mg of pain medicine before starting just to LIMIT the pain during the activity
* To stop, or at least limit urine leaks
* To be able to see my reflection in a mirror or glass window and not feel so disgusted and ashamed
* To not have the sores around my waistband
* To not have painful heat rashes under my breasts in the summer
* To be able to soak in a tub and have the water cover the top of more than just my hands and feet
* To be able to scratch my back without using some kind of aid
* To know, without a doubt, that if a toilet seat breaks - it's because it's old...not because I'm too heavy
* To be able to fit in theater seats
* To not have to pass up on training (that could lead to a promotion) because of having to buy an extra seat on a plane
* To be able to wrap a towel around me and have it not only reach end to end, but be able to tuck it in and cover me up
* To be able to have Kyla give me a real hug - arms wrapped around, not just from side to side

Kymel · 05-07-2009, 10:19 AM

Thanks Ladies...you're doing an outstanding job too!