Finding the me in Mel - Page 2 - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

foxyfuzz · 05-08-2009, 01:03 PM

As mentioned before I can relate and see myself in many of your reasons.

This is a good thing to do. I may do it myself as a reminder.

cassandra · 05-20-2009, 01:25 PM

Thank you so much for sharing this. This was so well written. Thanks for being so open and honest, and being someone that I look at and say "Wow, I hope I have success like that." Congratulations on your new beginning!

Kymel · 07-07-2009, 10:03 AM

Ok, so I think I'm ready to write this and commit to the changes I need to make...or at least those that I've figured out that I need to. I'm sure I'll discover more in the process.

Since my last update post, I have done little to battle the personal demons I mentioned. In fact, I have done nothing but foster an enviornment to allow them to fester and grow. I didn't wind up having to hit rock bottom, but I'll have some work to do to dig out of the hole I've created within myself.

First off, I'll put out there that the emotional and boredom eating haven't got worse, in fact...even though I've stumbled a few times looking back, I believe I'm improving on those fronts. The times I have stumbled, I seem to catch myself faster and not dwell on the goof quite as bad. Not dwelling on it helps to not continue the cycle that causes it...so that's a really big improvement. Yeah for me!

So, for the rest of it...

How funny is it that the town wild child would be the one to make me see what I'm doing to myself?? Not that he was trying to do so, but the rejection I recently received from him and the reasons for it were a bit of an eye opener. I believe I was well on my way to seeing the light of day, but the occurrence really precipitated the whole process. The last few months I've been going out and drinking...alot. As I mentioned before, I reasoned with myself that it was to be social, to get back out into the world, and be less of a hermit. After some initial soul searching, I think I've found some of the deeper reasons. Really I think the biggest reason of all is acceptance. I moved to the town I'm in nearly 7 years ago. It's a small town (pop 3,000), so I guess when I moved there I expected the whole Mayberry thing...friendly neighbors, women's groups for crafts and cooking, families and friends getting together to play cards or games...barbeques - whatever else comes with that. Now don't laugh, I didn't figure the whole fantasy white picket fences and all, but at least some kind of community bonding. This town is far from that. I've heard the same from others that have been there for awhile too, it's just not a close knit town. You have to have 3-4 generations there to get in. Anyway, we've been there for almost 7 years and in that time I've made maybe 3 or 4 friends. 2 of which have moved away. I've always been friendly with the other parents. I have a good job and I own my home. I am a single mom, which sometimes counts against people in a small town, but I've always done what I can to not have that be an obvious factor...people would have to ask (job, well kept house, active kid...). I've never really felt accepted or welcome there, other than when I'm at home behind my 4 walls. When I started going out, I found people would talk to me. People wanted to talk to me...I was acceptable to them. As time went on, I gained more attention. Attention is something I've never really had - on any level - and I'm now realizing that I didn't know how to handle it. It's felt good having it, I've reveled in it...but looking at where that attention was coming from, it's really not something for me to add to my list of accomplishments. As I said, I've built a good life for myself, and I've worked hard to get there. I've made a ton of sacrifices, but it's been worth it. The people I was receiving this acceptance and attention from are not at the same level as me. I'm not being stuck up or snotty, I have friends of all shapes, sizes and backgrounds...but most of these people barely have jobs, rent crappy houses and virtually have no lives other than hanging around at a bar and tooling around in their drama filled soap opera lives. Most of them would be uncomfortable around my other friends (which I've been severly neglecting). They don't fit in with my lifestyle...so why have I been trying to fit in with theirs? The answer to this question is debateable outside the acceptance thing, but I think if I'm being honest with myself - I'd have to admit that I think it gave me a slight power trip. I knew that I had it better than most of them did, I think I might have felt that it made me a better person and for the first time in my life, I could beat out anyone that competed with me. I think another slim reason might have been some kind of revenge - one of those "look at me now" type things. A year and a half ago, not a single one of them (guys wise) would have paid me a half seconds notice, but now... I know in the back of my mind on several occasions I would spend time with someone - talking or whatever else, just because I could, and I would come away with the attitude of using them for my needs for once instead of the other way around.

So, during the process of all this, I have managed to surround myself with people I wouldn't typically hang around, and not for the better...and put myself in several situations that I never would have dreamed of sinking to. My actions and these people have nothing to offer that benifits my life or improves it in any way. Not to mention that the lifestyle I've been leading has been a major detraction from my family and work life - the two things I've worked so incredibly hard to build, and are the source of every bit of pride I do have. Now I get to start the road to rebuilding. Thankfully I didn't have to hit some kind of rock bottom before waking up. There's work to do, but really, once I break through some of the menial stuff - it shouldn't take long to get back on track. Realizing all of this was the major hurdle. The embarassment and need to have my life back on the right track should help the rebuilding process.

One good thing that has come of this, is that I've been able to see how much my issues with depression have improved. In the past, going through all of this and receiving the wake up call I did, and how it was delivered - would have sent me into a downspiral, a really long and bad one. Instead, it took me a mere few hours to look at everything and say - know what...I deserve better, and I'm capable of so much more!! I'm not an idiot for making these mistakes, I'm human and I'll deal with it by making the changes I need to make.

For those of you following my dating life - At first I felt like maybe I should just give up and throw in the towel...but in this healthier, better place - I realized I don't have to give up, I just have to strive higher and try something else.

love and hugs to you all

Kymel · 07-09-2009, 04:53 PM

I finally sat my rear down and wrote out some goals. I'm not at a point that I can look at any long term ones, simply because I'm not there yet...and I'm scared to I think. It's too far away and there's far too many changes over the next 5 years for me to try and make some kind of target out of it. I'm not done with my weight loss, and I'm still at the bottom of the hill to rebuilding my life. That and 5 years from now, my daughter will have been out of the house for a full year - and I just simply can't comprehend what my life will be like then...so I'm gonna take a baby step. These goals are part of that baby step. Things for me to do that will not completely fix any one thing, but will contribute to the bigger picture (or just stuff I wanna do). Anyway...before I start rambling again...

BY THE END OF SUMMER:
* Go on 2 hikes (at least 2 miles each)
* Take the bicycles out on at least 1 trail
* Learn to ride a motorcycle
* Break my plateau and finally log a weigh in below 160

BY 1 YEAR FROM NOW:
* Get to a size 8 and maintain
* Have gutters put back on our house
* Go on the next TT cruise
* Design a Tattoo, and get it put on my bod
* Buy a motorcycle

These were all set with the intent that they are things I can accomplish without much interference of outside factors. They may seem easy to reach, but I need some of that right now. Just to see that I'm succeeding. When I said baby steps, I really meant it. I need to build my self esteem and as I reach these, hopefully I'll start seeing more of what I'm capable of and be able to add harder challenges to the list.

I'm aware of my new life, but I haven't got to a point that I love it yet...mostly because I haven't got to a place of loving myself - yet. I realized recently that even though I've shed my main excuse for not living to the fullest extent, I'm still just drifting through. All those years of saying "If I were skinny, I could do this or be that"...well, now I don't have the pains...I'm not invisible...I am capable...and able - and yet for months now I've been doing nothing but wasting time. Not anymore. I'm going to try hard to accomplish the things on my list for this summer, and work toward those for the year. Fall and winter will get their own set when they get here -and hopefully those will be more challenging.

Kymel · 07-16-2009, 03:02 PM

Had a bit of some forced reflection time...trying to deal a little more with the issues that surround my innerself:

I've been trying to figure out why, when I know better, I've been putting myself in some of these situations? (the cause for the rumors) Now the rumors aren't completely true - alot of it is based on what people see and the assumptions they make - as it usually is, but I have to be honest with myself and say that there is enough fact based there that I'm aware I need to make some changes. After I heard about these rumors again, I was angry about them and how they were delivered to me. Maybe I was feeling a little defensive, but I started to form a reply to the person (that relayed the info) explaining why the rumors are there.

During this reflection I realized possibly why for myself -down deep- why I keep doing this. I think the reason may also be related to the addiction transfer deal too. I've mentioned before that the attention (and yes sex) is like a drug to me, it causes a high and I've been addicted to it in the past...and now it's come back again.

Going back to my younger years, I never felt attractive, and didn't really feel like I had any kind of special skills when it realtes to relationships (or anything for that matter). By bad experiences, I learned that one way to keep things together or a way to be attractive is to develop some skills 'in the sack'. I learned that even when someone isn't happy, they will stay a little longer if the sex is good. I worked on and honed those skills until they were useful. In the process though, I lost the meaning in most of the other avenues of my character and what I have to offer as a person. (and don't read into this as 'with lots of partners'...I would say maybe 3, and one was the 4 year long one). I wound up using sex to feel better about myself and feel like I was worthwhile to another human being. For validation.

In comes the first addiction transfer. When the relationships faded and I wasn't able to validate myself, I turned to food as a comfort. With that my weight increased (among other reasons too!). As the weight increase, I was less and less appealing. Those that would give me a little attention only did so because of what could be offered. I felt that in my bones, so when I knew I was less attractive, I believed I had to bump up my efforts. It started a viscious cycle. When I hit the 240 pound mark all attention ceased to exist. The focus became hibernation, hiding and eating. The original issues that started the cycle were never addressed, just tucked away.

When I had my surgery and the weight started coming off, I started regaining some of my attractiveness again, along with a level of confidence I don't think I've ever had.

In comes the 2nd addiction transfer. Without food to turn to, and with my new found ability to turn a few heads - that started feeding the broken self esteem system in my brain. Yes, I'm proud of what I've done and how far I've come and that I'm a decent mom with a good job...and our house and my creative skills and all that. But to turn heads and be attractive after all those years...it started feeding that old addiction to attention. The attention of course led to attraction and went down the same old path as before. That path, if I don't figure out the roadmap - is certain to lead back to the same old cycle again. All it would take is enough let downs, or wrong decisions that make me feel bad about myself - and viola - there's the old friend to turn to again when I turn away from the current one.

So what it was that I realized by forming a response to this person (who is an alcoholic) is that my situation is no different than his really. He has a very rough road in front of him right now, and has for some time - and he uses alcohol to numb himself so that he doesn't have to feel emotions or deal with what's going on in his life. I in turn have done the same thing. He is the one who hurt me months ago. When it happened I went on a little spree to numb the pain. I would feed that addiction with whatever caused me to forget for a little while. When the first distraction would stop showing interest, I would move on to another one. I often found myself thinking that I need a distraction from my distraction. In other words a new one to replace the one thats no longer holding my attention. And so it's gone for a few months now. The internal problem though, is that it's tearing me up. It's breaking my self esteem, and it's gonna chew me up and spit me out if it doesn't stop.

See, who needs a high priced therapist...sit here and type long enough - you'll figure out the same damn things...lol (I'm kidding, kinda)

I think I'm on the right road for now. I didn't go out last week, and these rumors that are circulating are embarassing enough to me to keep my ass in line for awhile. Working on my goals for this summer I think will help start building some of that healthy self esteem I need to be successful - and that will in turn grow and develop more opportunties to learn and expand...or at least in theory.

I know I can do this. I am capable. I just feel like some of my equipment is broken and I don't know how to fix it. (Jenn75, I love what you said in your thread about not being a doctor and learning the hard way how to use the tools for self operation - really hit home hun) But I do know that in the physical world I excell at taking things I know nothing about, learning how to do it, learning how to use the tools - and then pushing myself to be the best at it around. I can do this on my brain too, right???

Be well everyone - and please be kind to yourselves...I'm working on it for me.

Crimson Kittie · 07-16-2009, 06:32 PM

(((((Mel)))))) I just wanted to give you a hug.

I can empathize with your situation darlin. Sounds like you know what you need to do for you ... so what a first step!

jenn75 · 07-16-2009, 07:15 PM

Mel, I will gladly be one of your #1 cheerleaders, as you and I have way too much in common, the good, the bad, and the downright raunchy!

I think that posting here is a great way to keep you "on track", remind you of your realizations and keep digging deeper into the reasons why you're doing some of the things you have been. If you/I can do that without berating ourselves, that will be the best way for sure. Somehow we have to strip ourselves down, let ourselves heal from a lot of shit, and not put ourselves down and distract ourselves with other addictions in the process. I'm glad we're on similar journeys...even if it's not easy!

foxyfuzz · 07-17-2009, 02:18 PM

Mel

I love your post.

I also learned to deal with and keep people around by the "sack skills" if you will. Honestly it makes me quite sad for myself.

I can very much relate to your situation. I am also struggeling with how to find the way to love myself again. So that I can be that better person, make better decisions for myself and yes ultimately be that better wife for my husband.

There is a great book that I did suggest for Jen that I will pass along to you as well.
Choosing ME before We: The everywomen's guide to life and love. by Christine Arylo
"Stop chasing fairy tale princes &
discover your true hero: YOU!
Full of sass, soul and the type of empowering wisdom that no woman should live without, Choosing ME before WE, is like a heart-to-heart with your closest girlfriend. And best of all, you’ll discover that your closest girlfriend is your own truest self, inside of you, always ready to offer wise, loving advice and counsel about what is best for you."

Granted I am not that far into it, but LOVE every word I've read so far. You can read a little more into it at amazon dot com and see if it is something you may like.

Hang in there lady!!! BIG HUGS!

Kymel · 07-17-2009, 02:29 PM

Thanks ladies. I'm finally learning that I do need support through this process, and that it really does help. In the beginning, I didn't really have that much that came up, so I just lurked. When some of the old pain and issues started presenting themselves again, I did my old standard of tucking it away, until the closet door wouldn't shut anymore. I have friends around, but most really don't know what I'm going through because I've clammed up so much lately. It's hard to just jump in and dump all this info on them, and even as good of friends as I know they are - I severely fear judgement. I know deep down it wouldn't be there - they are all very supportive and great people - it's my own personal fear that's been getting in the way of me asking for help or guidance. Fear of judgement, fear of having to admit what I've done, fear of facing my problems, and a whole other slew of things. I'm working on dealing with them one by one. My first step was to start writing about it. Someplace for me to face these things for myself and maybe get some 'annonomous' help before facing those that I know with it. Work through it with baby steps, ya know? And I think it's been working. I feared being judged on here too, but it's not the same as physically facing your friends and seeing them on a daily basis. I can read their faces - I can't see all of yours when you read what I write, so see the reactions. If we were in person, I wouldn't be able to do it. Since I've started writing more, I'm feeling a renewed sense of ability to face the issues in my life and know that I can overcome them. A lot of that renewed strength comes from you guys out there - whether it's a direct comment to me and my situations, or by reading some of your stories and how you've climbed your own personal mountains...so I'd like to again say THANK YOU to everyone out there.

Anyway, I won't count it officially for a couple more pounds (and I know I won't be bouncing back up into it), but I have now almost accomplished one of my summer goals - and I thought it would be one of the last ones! I weighed in at 159.2 this morning. I have broke the 160 mark finally! We'll see what my official weigh in on Monday is (maybe it will be even lower!). Then I can count it for sure. I was extatic when I saw the number pop up on the screen. I've been bouncing around in the 160's since February - 5 stinkin months!!! No small coincidence that it was 2 months after I started drinking, and I didn't have a drop at all last weekend...

I've had this CD for a bit now, but had never really paid attention to this song. I really heard the words the first time this morning on my way in to work, and just had to post them, because right now it totally fits my life and the journey I'm on - in many ways. Weight loss, drinking, dating, family relationships - the works...anyway - it's going to stretch this post a little, and I'm sorry for that - but the words really ring true.

Jason Aldeen
On My Highway

On my highway the yellow lines
Have disappeared from time to time
And I’ve wound up on the wrong side of the road

On my highway I’ve gone too fast
Afraid that I might finish last
I hugged the curb too hard and lost control

Oh I never know which way it’s goin to go

But what a feelin, chasin the sun
Livin my life like it’s shot from a gun
Laughin a little more with every mile
Oh what a freedom, racin the wind
Dying to know what’s around the next bend
And smiling as I watch the years roll by
I’m learning how to take it day by day
On my highway

On my highway I’ve missed some signs
Left a damn good love behind
I see her in my rearview like a ghost

On my highway I’ve broken down
Cried when no one else was around
And prayed that God would save my soul

Yeah, I’ve paid a lot of heavy tolls,

But what a feelin, chasin the sun
Livin my life like it’s shot from a gun
Laughin a little more with every mile
Oh what a freedom, racin the wind
Dying to know what’s around the next bend
And smiling as I watch the years roll by
I’m learning how to take it day by day
On my highway

Yeah, what a feelin out on the run
Drinkin up rain, soakin up the sun
Laughing a little more with every mile
Oh what a freedom like sailing the wind
Not lookin back, not forgettin where I’ve been
And smiling as I watch the years roll by
I’m movin on from my mistakes
And I’m learning how to take it day by day
On my highway

Kymel · 07-17-2009, 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by foxyfuzz

Mel

I love your post.

I also learned to deal with and keep people around by the "sack skills" if you will. Honestly it makes me quite sad for myself.

I can very much relate to your situation. I am also struggeling with how to find the way to love myself again. So that I can be that better person, make better decisions for myself and yes ultimately be that better wife for my husband.

There is a great book that I did suggest for Jen that I will pass along to you as well.
Choosing ME before We: The everywomen's guide to life and love. by Christine Arylo
"Stop chasing fairy tale princes &
discover your true hero: YOU!
Full of sass, soul and the type of empowering wisdom that no woman should live without, Choosing ME before WE, is like a heart-to-heart with your closest girlfriend. And best of all, you’ll discover that your closest girlfriend is your own truest self, inside of you, always ready to offer wise, loving advice and counsel about what is best for you."

Granted I am not that far into it, but LOVE every word I've read so far. You can read a little more into it at amazon dot com and see if it is something you may like.

Hang in there lady!!! BIG HUGS!

Thanks sweets! I did see that post and was going to go check it out, but it slipped my mind. Thanks for the reminder - and for the encouragement.

I'm sitting here and freakin welling up over my own realizations and the wonderful support I've been receiving. I'm to a point that I'm actually feeling a virtual hug - and it's something that I've really needed for months - but have no way to ask for in my 'real' life.

"Thank you" doesn't even remotely cover it, but

THANK YOU!