You're just big boned! - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

JohnnyJet74 · 10-27-2008, 12:17 AM

So I've been posting off and on for a couple of months now, but I haven't every really told my story. I don't really expect anyone to read the whole post, but there's something a little cleansing about "typing out-loud" if you know what I mean.

Like a lot of folks on TT my weight has been an issue since I was a child. I can vividly remember being 7 years old standing in a dressing room at the mall trying on pants and my mom telling me that if I were to "lose 10Lbs by May, we can go to Disneyland." It was ironic because A)my mom was overweight herself and B)up until about age 5 I was skin and bones to the point that they sometimes put me on supplements to keep my weight up. In any case, I didn't lose the weight, but we still went to see Mickey Mouse.

A couple of years later we moved to Germany and that's where the weight challenges really started. It was a double-whammy; not only did I LOVE German food (still do), much of which tends to be, uh, unhealthy (to say the least!) We we lived in a small town with almost no other kids my age...hence I started eating because I was so bored.

When I was 13 my mother died suddenly leaving me with a dad who I didn't get along with (at the time) and a 15 y.o sister who was going through her "it's all about me" stage. Needless to say food became more of a crutch than ever...especially since I was the only decent cook in the family and thus we ate whatever I wanted.

When I was 14, I spent 7 weeks at a Weight Watchers camp in PA...I lost 16Lbs and gained it back within about 4 weeks of coming home. I was fairly active, playing little league sports, etc.,but I out-ate the calories I was burning and my weight continued to go up. That fall I'd had some stitches on my chest (left breast, actually) from a minor accident. The day after they took the stitches out I woke up to find the wound reopened. We went back to the doctor who told me dad (with me sitting there) that "if he [ I ] wasn't so fat, this wouldn't have happened." After leaving the office my dad asked what I thought about trying liposuction...unfortunately, (or fortunately) I was too young so that idea went nowhere.

Throughout the remainder of high school I yo-yo'ed quite a bit; fortunately, I was helped by the fact that I started growing rapidly (in a vertical sense)...I was 6'1 by my Sophomore year. In my junior year, I decided I wanted to join the Marines and began my first real, hardcore diet. This was around the time Susan Powter(sp?) was professing the need to eat "bulk" so I ate almost nothing but steamed rice for 2 months straight while going to the gym for 2 hours a day, every day. I lost 35Lbs and, while I was still overweight, I looked and felt pretty good. (By the way I came to my senses and decided that the Marines probably wouldn't be a good fit for me since I still couldn't do a single pull-up even after the weight loss, LOL)

For most of my early 20's I hovered around 245. I joined the Navy after college and that kept up the motivation to maintain my weight. Although I was still above the weight standards my "tape test" showed me to be within guidelines (albeit barely). Even though I didn't feel very good about my weight at the time I look back at the pics now and am amazed at how think I look.

When I was 24, I had some medical problems and I left the Navy. Again, I turned to food as a support mechanism and quickly gained about 40Lbs within just a couple months. My weight has continued to follow a roller coaster pattern and here I am today with occasional successes at moderate weight loss quickly followed by regain.

So what's changing now you might be thinking? Why is John suddenly interested in WLS if he's been struggling most of his life? Simply put...I'm concerned for my health. I've always been focused on the "little things" associated with obesity. Not feeling like I was good looking, inability to find clothes that I felt comfortable wearing, etc.

However, in the last couple of years I've started seeing the effects that the weight has on my health:

- Since I passed 300Lbs I've been unable to sleep through the night because of back pain.
- My asthma, which I haven't had since I was 3, has returned
- I have horrible acid reflux 4 to 5 days a week
- I'm getting varicose veins, spider veins on my legs etc.
- Just recently found out I'm pre-diabetic
- Now it appears I've got sleep apnea too (waiting for sleep study follow-up appt...but I was woken in the middle of the study and put on the CPAP...so I'm thinking that's a sign)

I know that there are a lot of TT'ers who have much more serious health issues than anything I list, but it's scary to think that these things are already happening to me. I can only imagine where I'll be in 10 years and/or another 100Lbs if I don't do something now.

Just as importantly I'm realizing that I'm up against some pretty strong odds. As I mentioned earlier my mom was overweight as are most of her siblings (her sis had RNY about 8 years ago). My dad is overweight (400Lbs) my sis is overweight (290Lbs?) and I just don't see myself "winning the battle" on my own longterm. I've also grown cynical watching shows like "The Biggest Loser" where someone loses 200Lbs only to regain it in a year. Essentially, I feel like I cannot do it on my own.

I know that, thus far, this sounds like a sob-story...which I don't really mean it to be. I'm actually a pretty happy, well adjusted guy. However, I've been really taken aback by the emotional roller-coaster the whole WLS process has taken on me. When I met my surgeon at my first appointment I inexplicably began crying while telling "my story" and was horribly depressed for 2 days following that. During my psych eval I did the same thing. Like most of you who are probably reading this I've never liked being overweight, but its just seemed like more of an annoyance than anything else. However, the last 3 months have shown me just how much of an impact my weight is having on me from a mental health perspective...I think I've been burying the emotion and now it's becoming clear how much impact it has on my mental state.

I think I'll close chapter 1 here...if anyone got this far thanks for reading; I hope it wasn't too boring, LOL

scoman187 · 10-27-2008, 12:46 AM

I also have had weight issues since I was young. Sweets werent allowed in our house when I was a kid so every chance I had to get sweets I took advantage of it. Id get em at a friends house or buy them with my allowance and eat em real fast so I wouldnt get caught. I was "getting away with something" and it felt good.
As I grew older these actions became habit and until I was much older I never thought about where these bad habits formed. I just figured it was hereditary or I just Liked sweet stuff.
Now looking back I have it all figured out except a part of me wont let go.
I know the abuse of food is slowly killing me but like any other addict It is so hard to give up.
Im on my way to recovery as I am in recovery for alcohol,nicotine and caffiene too. Im gonna make this happen.Im gonna lose this weight and keep it off no matter what!
Sorry if I got off track but yes I understand about eating habits,rough times and it all starting as a youngster. Sco'

SDeRossett · 10-27-2008, 02:43 AM

I applaud you both for doing your homework. IMO obestiy is not only genitic, but we also have to stop and realize "how" we got to where we are/were. Old habits are hard to break. Once the weight comes off, it will still be a challenge for the rest of our/your life to maintain. This is not a cure-all, it is only a tool, it still takes work, as I'm sure you both realize. Your stories as many others ring so true in my heart. I'm sure most of us can relate in one way or another. I'm a little over 6 years out and still struggle with comfort foods. Chocolate is my big down fall. I'm a stress eatter, I know this and chocolate is something I ocassionally turn to. I don't beat myself up over it, but I just try to be consciencious of it and only do it in moderation. I still stuggle on a daily/weekly basis. I think being aware of the why and what we eat is very mportant to try to understand. And again, I applaud you both for doing you homework. Wishing you both the greatest sucess in your journies.

Sharon

bezobraz · 10-27-2008, 06:55 AM

John, I am so glad you "typed out loud". Thank you for being brave and sharing ayourselves with us. I wish you best of luck on your journey and I hope things will change for better. I wish you lots of self confidence and self love. Because we ALREADY LOVE YOU just the way you are

My first meeting about WLS was with psychologist. I just started crying. I don’t remember when I cried last before that. It was a complete surprise to me. And it showed me how much I hate being me and how badly I resent myself.

Some times we do not realize ourselves how emotional we are about our weight. I know I was ridden with guilt over it. I blamed myself big time. Everyone seems to have control over it and it is just me who don't.

I was never isolated, I always had lots of friends and I was always loved by people. However, when I was looking for a job for example I felt it hit me big time. I am good, I always get to the final round - you know, when it is "between you and another guy/girl". And in 99% cases it would not be me.

Cheers,
Tonya

JohnnyJet74 · 10-27-2008, 08:36 AM

Wow...people read my post! Sorry it was such a long post, it didn't seem like it when I was writing it last night.

Tonya, I think the crying has a lot to do with looking at our weight and talking about it with someone from a analytical standpoint. In other words, I don't talk about my weight with many people and when I do I usually get defensive and/or try to pretend that it's not really an issue. I honestly think that my conversation with my doctor was the first time I've ever really just opened up about my weight and the associated shame, fear, anger, sadness, etc. I knew it internally, but saying it out loud made it very, very real and it was hard to deal with. I am glad to know that I'm not the only one who reacted to the process by shedding some tears.

More to come later!

blisandt · 10-27-2008, 09:11 AM

Indeed, thank you for sharing.

I cry when I have to admit things... and the big step is learning that what you are admitting, while a "truth" of the present (being morbidly obese in my case) is not necessarily MY fault.

I mean: I know I played a role in it, I put the stuff in my mouth. BUT there was a lot of other stuff going on, and my Primary Care Physician is the one who has been trying to make me see that. I swear: he (and my surgeon) are (going to be) like white knights on white horses riding into my world and saving me... for OFFERING me this option... but *I* will take the credit (and responsibility) for taking what was offered.

Thanks again for inspiring and bravely sharing.

Shetaz0028 · 10-27-2008, 09:59 AM

Hi Johnny,

Welcome.

Yes, I did read the entire post and found it very insightful. I love the "write it out loud" thing. I have written my stuff down and go back now, even though it's just a little amount of time, the thoughts of yesterday seem to trivial today.

With each passing day we learn more and become more comfortable with our decisions. Just please make sure you don't just pay attention to the sunshine and rainbows posts. There are very real nightmares out there and you have to be informed.

Have a great day,
Charlie

JohnnyJet74 · 10-27-2008, 10:43 AM

Heya Charlie!
No worries about the "sunshine and rainbow" posts...my parents had an aquantance who never left the hospital following his RNY. I also have a co-worker who is 3 years out and still dumps if she has something with more than a few tablespoons of sugar in it. Another coworker (I have 5 in the building who have had RNY) has only had a net-loss of about 18Lbs after nearly 20 months. So while I'm focused on the positive aspects I'm familiar with a fairly wide range of negative effects.

As the saying goes I am "hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst!"

OsoDelDesierto · 10-27-2008, 11:33 AM

John, I loved the post! I wish I had been in a place (mentally, emotionally, financially, etc.) to have the surgery 10 years ago, when I was the age you are now and at the same health thresholds you're experiencing. Still, I have no regrets - it happened when it was meant to for me...

I look forward to reading more of your story!

JohnnyJet74 · 11-07-2008, 09:34 AM

Just an update; they're going to submit to my insurance today or Monday (depending on how quickly she can get the paperwork together). So to recap my "qualifications" will be:

BMI 38.9

Co-Morbidities:
GERD
Sleep Apnea (Moderate)
Back Pain
Depression

In addition, I'm not sure how much impact it will have, but I appear to be "pre-diabetic"

My birthday is next week and I just keep thinking about what an awesome B-day present it would be to receive surgery approval...