My Story ... - ThinnerTimes

Baron Patrick · 05-09-2005, 10:18 AM

It’s pretty much like everyone else who’s fought with their weight all their life. I was known as “Fat Pat” in school. I was constantly teased and harassed. Kids can be downright cruel. I can’t count how many times my lunch was stolen, or my lunch pail and thermos smashed during the lunch recess. They would surround me in the rest room and beat up on me. Mom and dad tried in their own way – “Ignore them and they will go away”. Well, I tried and it only made things worse, the kids tried even harder. I didn’t have many friends. To this day I can still hear those kids – “Fat Pat, Fat Pat”. Self esteem, what self esteem? I never got a chance to build any.

Mom and dad did the best they could. They grew up during the depression. This meant you eat everything on your plate. They were both heavy people, and our meals were very big as well. Mom grew up in a big family, so she only knew how to prepare large meals. Dad was a cop, so we did what we could on a cop’s salary in the 60’s. Lot’s of beans and pasta. Mom had health issues, and dad worked all different hours. Being alone, food became my companion. My older brother (7 years) didn’t get the “fat gene”. He never teased me about my weight, but I knew. We rarely did things together. I knew he was embarrassed by my size. How to handle this? Eat.

I became very withdrawn. I built a shell no one could pass to hurt me. I gave up, and let the kids tease me, didn’t know what else to do. I felt so very alone. I won’t go into detail, because of my vulnerability I was molested by a neighbor when I was 11. I buried the pain deep down. I never told my parents. I felt I deserved it, I felt like a bad person. I felt dirty. At age 19 I tried suicide. Couldn’t do that right. They only thing that soothed me was food. It was the only thing that could at least numb the pain I had.

High school was better, at least only the jocks teased me about my weight. As long as I stayed away from those Neanderthals I was okay, but never good. I found a “home” with the choir. At least I was able to get a date to the dances. To this day I’m still turned off by sports. College was even better. At least there I wasn’t teased. Just those familiar “looks” that only fat people can identify. Never could get a date. How did that song go – “Alone again, naturally.”

Through the years my weight would go up and down, up and down. Sharing an apartment with a good friend, I decided to try a new “radical” way to lose weight. After food binging on the weekends, I would top it off with laxatives. The chocolate flavored was the best. If they didn’t work, I’d take more the next time. I didn’t know what Bulimia was. This went on for over a year. I turned into a laxative junkie! Every time I ate, no matter how much or how little, I had to take it before I went to bed. To this day I don’t know how, but I managed to stop. I joined a gym and was working pretty good. I dropped about 50 lbs. found a girlfriend. Life was turning for the better. After about 1 ½ years, we broke up. Found out she was dating and sleeping with four or five other guys. I stopped going to the gym, and went back to the fridge. Once again my weight went back up.

The wall went back up, so I was alone again. I started writing to a young lady in the Philippines – “pen pals”. She said she didn’t care what I looked like, but what is inside the person that counts. It was easy to write to her, easy to express myself. I proposed to her over the phone, and she accepted. I flew to the Philippines and we were married in April 1986. She got her Visa, and came to be with me in August. She’s helped me through the years with my weight. I’d lose, and gain it back. Lose, and gain it again. She bought me a membership to a gym. I went and managed to lose 60 lbs, down to 197. Not bad on my 5’4” frame. Felt great, looked great. Then life happened. My dad passed away, and mom moved in with us. Her health was not good. I was always needed at home, on top of helping to care for our son who was born in1988. We were so excited, so was my mom. That is, until we brought our son home. The competition for attention with my mom was crazy. The gym visits became less and less again, so my weight went up and up.

Fast forward to the present day.

I’m at my heaviest, 275 lbs and a BMI of 46.6. Our son is in high school. Mom is gone now, and the fridge calls me to this day. My wife and I recently celebrated our 19th. anniversary together. She is absolutely wonderful and so very supportive. If not for her and our son, I may not be here today. I’ve been on Prozac for the past five years (it’s about the same time I gained my weight back from the last time I lost), I injured my back 30 years ago and has been getting worse. My back went out two weeks ago and I’m still moving slow. I can’t sleep on my back (I keep waking up gasping for air). I’ve had dizziness (sometimes so bad I have to lie down till it finally passes), and I get migraines. I’ve not had problems, diabetes or cholesterol. My blood pressure is borderline.

Although I’ve made progress with my self-esteem, I’m still self-conscious of my size. Every time we go shopping, my wife asks if there is anything I want (clothes). I always tell her “no, they don’t carry extra fat.” She smiles and tells me to stop, but she knows how hard it is for me to find clothes that fit comfortably. I know people stare at us wondering why an attractive thin woman is with such a fat person.

Well, there you have it. That’s me. It’s funny my driver’s license still shows 200 lbs. I can’t bear a stranger seeing how much I really weigh. My co-workers didn’t think I’m as heavy as I am. They know about my wanting the surgery, and (thankfully) they are supportive. When I shower in the morning, I’m reminded once again how big I am. We have mirrors all over the bathroom (especially the doors to the closet). I refuse look at myself. I don’t want to see the ugly person in that mirror.

If I could have the surgery tomorrow, I would do it. I feel like almost anything is better than being in this prison of fat the rest of my life. I’m dreading summer. I have to wear a shirt and tie at work, and I feel like I’m suffocating in the summer. During the cold weather, at least I could wear sweaters and vests to hide my “hate” handles.

Thanks all, for allowing me to let this out. This is the first time I’ve found people who honestly understand my obesity and frustration.

LizardQueen · 05-09-2005, 11:43 AM

I understand completely. You must be one heck of guy and you must have one heck of a wife because 19 yrs is a long time and you sound like you are still very much in love. You are on your way to changing your whole life. You will be healthier and happier and back in regular sizes before you know it. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I know that was tough, but I bet you feel a lot better with all that off your chest. Your time is coming so kick back and rejoice in your wife and son. Good Luck!

Amber

eyesthatkissu · 05-09-2005, 11:45 AM

Pat....

I've posted to you maybe three times right? And can I say I instantly liked you. You have an amazing personality, and such a loving heart. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It was a very brave, and helpful thing for you to do. I'd like for you to try and keep one thing in mind. I have said it before and I will say it again. Every single instance in life, be it fabulous or heart breaking, every single one, made you the man you are today. You wouldn't be the man you are today if those horrible little demons hadn't called you "Fat Pat". If you hadn't had your experience with bullemia. If you hadn't met your beautiful wife. All of those things shaped you into this wonderful person you are. And frankly, I kind of like the person you are! Someday soon you will be on the other side. Healthy! I can't wait till we both are!

watergirl · 05-09-2005, 12:23 PM

I've got tears in my eyes and the screen is blurry. I hope I don't have typos. I could relate to so many of your eating issues and how you coped. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

Welcome home brother. God bless you!

twokids · 05-09-2005, 12:28 PM

Pat

Thank you for sharing. Your story is very familiar here. You are on the right road. Keep on pushing forward and you will make it to your destination before you know it!

bridgetgirl · 05-09-2005, 12:34 PM

When people write their stories I usually dont respond, I kind of see it as a diary almost. But I wanted to say that I can see why your wife feel in love with you all those years ago, you have captured our hearts as well and we havent met you either. You are a wonderful man, in a league all your own. I cant wait for this surgery to happen for you, so you can blossom like the rest of us have or are in the process of doing!

All the years of being teased, I can relate I remember one time being tossed into a trash can..... no respect. But I have a personality and a character like no other, just like you! You are going to do amazing things, just dont forget where you came from!

We love you brother, Thanks for sharing!

Jeanie · 05-09-2005, 12:37 PM

WOW what an amazing story. Thanks for sharing it with us. I also was a fat kid, so I got teased a lot. People just need to teach their children that it's not right to tease, but then most parents are guilty of doing it. Your wife sounds like an amazing woman. It has to make life easier just having her on your side. You also sound like an amazing person. Please keep us updated on your progress.

Gladitsme · 05-09-2005, 01:54 PM

Pat,

My heart bled as I read your story. I wasn't fat as a child, but I was socially inept. I reread my diary and I talked about how the other kids would hit me, pull my hair, step on my feet or try to trip me on purpose.

Baron Patrick · 05-14-2005, 09:38 PM

You know, I've been trying for the past few days thinking how to express my gratitude to you all. It feels so good to belong to a community, where I feel "safe" in expressing my opinion, my support, and shoot off a few jokes now and and then.

The "old" feelings come back, such as "you don't deserve this", and feeling alone (without friends) again. Yes, I'm fighting them with everything I've got, because I'm a winner and soon to be a "loser"!

Robin, Kim, Bridget, Jeanie - and everyone, thank you so much for making me feel welcome right away. You are truly wonderful people, and proud to have you as my friends, as well as support group.

By the way - just for the record, I am a "real" Baron.

Bought and paid for at regaltitles.com! It's my stage name for my speaking buisiness. Hey, it was discounted, and made my son a Duke for half price! Besides, it sounds more credible than "Sir", or "Count."

May the Lord Bless You and Keep You Always!

Baron Patrick · 05-24-2005, 07:50 AM

Just like the others, I may as well make this a diary.

May 24 -

My wife spoke to her doctor last week about my having wls surgery. The doc. told her the insurance requires me to be on a medically supervised/documented weight loss program for 1 year. Yes, totally bummed about it. It took me a few days to get over it. Now that I'm back in the right frame of mind, I've decided I won't accept this.

I contacted the LA Bariatric Center who sent me an information packet and other paperwork. They are having an info meeting on June 4th. I'm going to that. They will have insurance specialists and post-op patients I can talk to and ask questions. The surgeon emailed me himself and said he can help.

I certainly hope so. Just the thought of having to try "one more time", drives me nuts.

till next time ...